SO YOU WANNA BE A MASTER

You can kind of tell when I have those periods where I'm rarely home or too busy, and then suddenly I have that day I'm at home and all the overdue posts appear HAHAHAHA.



Fome did an awesome cover of the Pokemon 2nd season opening, Pokemon World, for Karu for our NYA (Norcal Youtube Alliance) Secret Santa exchange. I really liked this song ;u; Sooo much nostalgia.
Somehow he dragged me and Chiisana into having a small feature in it LMAOLMAOLMAO. Oh jeez. We were so embarrassed. But it was fun.
(I'M ALSO VERY HONORED LIKE HOLY SHIT fome and chiisana tbh are among the most talented vocalists I know and I'm lucky to have them as close friends and to be able to work with them I am secretly fangirl hshshshs///)

Not exactly a reality check, what I received about two weeks ago. There was no fantasy to begin with, but I guess it's comparable to stepping through the gates into a larger world and suddenly feeling minuscule? I didn't know I was so ignorant and incompetent. I always knew I was small but I guess I never cared to look upwards until now. In the midst of being happy over improvement, I gained confidence that I'm not sure if I deserve. Of course there's always going to be people better out there, of course you can't expect to become professional overnight, of course it doesn't come easily when you're just starting out, of course the journey will and should never end. But there are a lot of really, truly talented people among my peers that I know I would never be able to catch up to because I lack the element that will make them soar: passion. There's passion, inherent talent, resources, the time to practice. It's not impossible, but I realize it would be difficult to substitute these with hard working effort on a late start. I'm not giving up; I'll still give my all. But it's discouraging to know there'll be a limit--a cap--on my ability. I thought I wasn't bad. I still don't think I'm bad, but I'm also not great. Seeing others' ability, I'm not even sure what I can do? My achievements are still achievements but damn do they look insignificant now. And how do you grow as a juvenile when people want to work with the ripened, with the best? It's all about the results and everyone wants the best ones. The industry out there is no different. Is there a place for somebody who is just "not bad" in a world that requires only the best? Can you survive as a jack of all trades but master of none when being the best requires specialty?
CAN I EVEN GET A JOB. WILL ANYONE EVEN TAKE ME FOR AN INTERNSHIP. WHAT CAN I EVEN TELL ANYONE THAT I CAN DO. WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT I CAN EVEN BE PROUD OF. I DON'T WANT TO BE A PATHETIC, DEPENDENT FAILURE. GAAAAH THIS AFFECTS EVERYTHING. runs around in circles

The Modern Fairy Tale

And so the princess's heart was replaced by numbers; shrouded in memories of overdue bills and calculations; with the blackest energies of impatience and lethargy in lieu of a soul.
The only antidote in all the land was a magical, but rare ritual that could only be performed by the princess if she were able to return to her chamber--and it was called 20 bother-free hours of sleep.

ლ(१д१ლ)

Kei (left) & Soojung (right) of Lovelyz covering IU's "Friday"

Aaaaaah I'm so glad I found this little gem of a video.

The girlcrush is undeniably strong with this one! ლ(१д१ლ)
I knew I was right to choose Soojung/Sujeong as my bias LOLOL.. Okay, it was initially because she reminds me of Morning Musume's Kudou Haruka and I find them both to be the most adorable, gorgeous things /// but then she comes out of the left field as a really fucking good singer?! with a singing style I will eat up. (Not to mention a grounded, earnest personality..)

Kei almost flawlessly plays the role of main vocal, of course; bless her entire being. Baby Soul and Jin, whose vocals were advertised prior, are predictably leads. But Soojung is the surprise! Especially when she's one of the youngest members. She sometimes gets pitchy on certain notes when performing Lovelyz songs (tbh all of them get somewhat pitchy so I look forward to seeing them not as nervous rookies on stage) but seems a lot more in her own skin here. :> I'm so glad they let her debut and give her opportunities to shine. THIS MAKES ME HAPPY.

SHINE ON ME

LET IT SHINE ON ME, YEAH!
(insert Red Velvet's Happiness)

After dabbling in film and photography stuff, you really realize what a big difference lighting makes. Brightness, color temperature, softness/harshness, positioning—they're all surprisingly important. With my interest in videography growing (or at least intent to try my hand and improve at it), I figured I need lights and hopefully some kind of flexibility with them.

For now, my first purpose requires soft, diffused, even, flat, skin tone-flattering, bright, [and cheap...........] light. Think soft, prettily lit K-pop idol MV. That's what I want to attempt.

So today, Fome and I did some shopping at the dollar store, Home Depot, and Staples
...then built softbox lights! ;u;
It works out because his band Phoenix Ash is looking to upload more videos in the future, which is why he's interested in building lights too. They're actually gonna upload a new cover soon (OF AN AWESOME SONG) so look out for that~

Materials are:
white foam board, aluminum foil, vellum paper, lamps, light bulbs, and a shit ton of duct tape.
(we ended up being SO happy with the white duct tape because it would've looked much uglier otherwise heheheh)

First version, we wanted to see what it'd look like just as a white foam box without foil and felt like there was wasted bounced light escaping from the sides? So we added foil after the box was assembled and that was comparatively messier than doing the second box.

I decided I wanted to be extra meticulous huehuehue and so the second version is slightly prettier.

HEH. can you tell which was the guinea pig and which is not? HEHHH. (he's jealous because I'm technically the owner of the second one)

Yehhhhh !!

(Bonus: Without the vellum paper as a diffuser, having the box open actually works to make the light more spotted because it's all concentrated in one direction without spilling on the sides. It's harsh and not what I want, but for certain purposes, it works!)

We tried duct tape as the lamp mount on one of the softboxes, but mmmmh we're still trying to figure out an alternative that would be sturdier and hopefully with less potential to melt off. For mine, it'll be extra tricky because I require the softbox to be collapsible so that I can more easily store it disassembled when at home.

(Upper) No softbox light! Light source is the fluorescent lights on the ceiling, which give off a bit of a green tone.

(Lower) One softbox light from above! We made the mistake of leaving the fluorescents still on, but oh well..

Definitely a huge difference, which is emphasized by the original green'ish tone of the room. But the effect of the light is noticeably less harsh, a bit more flattering on the skin, cleaner, clearer?

We put a lot of thought into choosing the color temperature of our bulbs (which btw are amazing in brightness output, especially for the wattage and price of 4 for $10) and yet I wonder if we settled too low. In particular, I was looking for color temperature ranging between 3500 and 4100 Kelvin because that's the spectrum of slightly warm to neutral white to slightly cool. Yellow disgusting ass household bulbs of 2700 Kelvin are out of the question. 5000 Kelvin looks too blue and inhuman.

But we couldn't find anything at Home Depot between 3000 and 5000 K, and so we got the 3000 K bulbs which didn't look too bad in the display.

It's a huge improvement compared to the yellowness of household bulbs, but still a tad too warm for my taste. I don't want to replace the bulbs because I am a frugal cheap ass who already thinks this shit was too expensive for a homemade project (those foam boards are fucking rip-offs I tell you ok) so I'm thinking about trying some kind of blue filter or fabric on top of the paper to counteract the yellow? Or just rectify it in post production color correction lololololol.

Well, we both had a lot of fun! We learned lots! And here's a song of the day which we found to be hella rockin'.

FTISLAND - Hold My Hand

go-go get.

Wassup?


I'M FINALLY DONE WITH THE SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!!!
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HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

It was an enlightening, valuable, and fruitful semester indeed.

Actually, I'm a little sad to see it go. Mostly because I had just started making many friends of whom I've no guarantee I'll see again, just starting to become involved, just starting to feel like a proper student with some passion towards the schoolwork beyond my obsession with achieving top grades.
But ultimately, this semester left me in a great place, with many bounds leapt and much room to grow: many opportunities looking forward, experience under the belt, and mistakes on which to reflect. I'm a happy student. I'm not entirely competent and not entirely confident. I really wish that I were better. I wish that I were the type that's just inherently talented--effortlessly achieving instead of having to work hard and long to maybe get to the same place. I'm scared that I let anyone down, and sorry that I lack so much. But I'm happy with how far I came in this semester, as well as how much resolve I now boast to improve as much as I can.

Dude. Compared to before, I'm frighteningly social now.... I actually made a lot of friends and acquaintances! Connections! Being a bit more fun and open! People know who I am! I'm being proactive! Volunteering! Speaking loudly! Not so afraid to stand in front of a mass of people! More willing to be an object of attention! Performing! In front of people! Sometimes being praised for it!
Who am I even?

Also I can't wait to catch up on some well overdue sleep, man. In the past month, there've only been a handful of nights when I was able to sleep earlier than 4 AM. orzzzzzzzzz All 3 of my final projects (which I edited) were due on Monday.......... And it's not like I procrastinated at all because every night, I've been up til past 4.. sometimes up til 7 doing productive things. But this last weekend was tough LOL. In the span of 55 hours, I slept for 3 hours.

Speaking of last weekend, I went on the film shoot that I spoke of in my last post. To be honest, I can't help but feel disappointed, because this was a golden opportunity that ended up in another basket. When I got there, they had filled in the 2 spots on the audio team (I'm sure they probably did a good job, but they also didn't have previous experience with the equipment) and I guess they needed more extras........ It was a different, interesting experience. Luckily I enjoy playing dress-up LOL so I was fascinated with the process of having a costume team pick out my outfit and then having a make-up artist do my face.

What I did not like was uselessly sitting on my ass in the make-up room, just waiting to be called onto the set. I wanted to help.. gain experience.. be hands-on.. learn something.. then have another line for my resume.. sigh....
I could have used the time to--OH I DON'T KNOW--sleep or work on projects.

But here's the outfit I wore on camera! WOOHOOOO grossly vandalized school bathroom mirrors. The theme's supposed to be 60's and I'm not so sure if it's accurate LOL. They decided to make me the go-go girl/mod girl. The camera doesn't capture it, but I'm wearing fishnet stockings. BASICALLY ACTUAL FISHNET; that was some stiff stuff. And I was 6 feet tall in these boots, lord help me.... how embarrassing... But I did it! In front of the entire crew! And on camera!

Now I'm feeling super hyped because I intend to have a productive winter break! I'll be increasing my work hours, but I'll try to find the time nevertheless. There's a lot I want to do! And I'm going to try chasing after some opportunities! I'm gonna have some fun while at it. I'll do my best. I want to become a more impressive version of myself. I can do it. :)

asdflkjw

heh.... I'm not good at handling stress...
No final exams for me this semester but hella final projects due in... 2 days. This past week has been my finals crunch stress time. Going to bed at 4 AM is considered "early" and "lucky" :'D And work and some other things and dumb people. stress.

But um orz I bumped into a professor a few days ago who's in charge of one of the department's big productions--which will actually be on 35mm film! Somehow he persuaded me into coming in to the set tomorrow morning because he wants me to be the sound recordist.. QAQ I couldn't say no because despite how fucked I am, it's a pretty good opportunity?? Especially considering I'm being purposely seeked out for this role by a professor. I've only ever been on one big film shoot doing audio. And I thought I wouldn't be able to do any more shoots due to lack of opportunity and time..

I will add some color to this post with a selfie from some weeks ago, before I started looking like a zombie and having countless people tell me I look very tired or asking me what's wrong with my skin/face LOL. This is a happy selfie because I'd just caught up on sleep beforehand~ I look forward to looking this bright in a handful of days I hope~~

(I forgot to publish the post.. Now it's 5 AM. :'D I need to be on that film set in 4 hours. Fuck. :'D)

monochrome

Some of the girliest I've felt in a while 8D
Yesterday had a good time at NYA's Thanksgiving potluck~ 7:35 AM now and I made slower progress than I'd hoped on the film audio edit hyuuu... Film shoot today at 4. I will sleep til 1. good nightt

Lovelyz

Oh help, I'm starting to fall very deeply into Woollim's new girl group Lovelyz, LOL. I haven't been this invested in k-pop in a while. I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. THIS IS MY INTERVENTION.

The horrible group name itself makes them a guilty pleasure. Their music so far as a group is pretty basic and nothing to write home about. They're what lots of people would consider "bland" and overly cutesy. BUT I HAVE THE EXACT ACQUIRED TASTE THAT FINDS THEM AND THEIR MUSIC SO CHARMING AND DELICIOUS. SOBS. Actually their very image and the sound of their bubblegum pop has a very J-pop and slightly old-school feel to it. And I like that a lot....


Candy Jelly Love

This won me over almost instantaneously because I have hella bias for cute candies. I LOVE the style of the MV with the bright boldness of the jellybeans contrasting and complimenting the light pastel colors and flowy whites with soft flares. YES. YESS.
First and second listens: "This is ok. I can probably dig."
Now: "THIS IS MY JAAAAAM."


Good Night Like Yesterday

First listen: "Who are they this is boring and I can't even watch this all the way."
Now: "SO....... CATCHY...... NEED TO LISTEN ON REPEAT."
Objectively not the best ballad, but ... my acquired taste loves it. Also it helps now knowing who the girls are because I can put the singing in some kind of context and thus appreciate it better.



Initially, most of them look like the same person, their voices sound dry and the same, and they kind of give off the impression of not being musically driven. qqqqq now I find them super cute in their unique ways and you know what: THEY ACTUALLY CAN SING SURPRISINGLY PRETTY WELL.

So, 3 of them have had solo debuts before.
One being Yoo Jiae, who honestly is one of the weakest vocalists of the group. Despite being the well-known frontrunner face, I'm glad that Woollim seems to acknowledge her weaknesses instead of trying to shove her down our throats. xD In Candy Jelly Love, her only lines are.. the titular "candy jelly love"s at the choruses HAHA. She has an important iconic part--suitable for her role--but befittingly small. And I'm very okay with that; it works! Giving her solo Delight a second listen (okay I ended up listening to it a lot more after), it's not as unimpressive as I remember? It's forced. Technique is lacking. But she tries!!! In latter parts of the song, she belts a bit and she even has a baby vibrato. I can respect that. :D

Baby Soul is fucking awesome. I defs dig all her pre-official-debut work.
See: Stranger (ft. Wheesung)
I feel like this girl really works against her odds. She's now debuting at 22 years old, which is considered a bit old for k-pop idols. She has a high and light tone, but still shows that she can sound strong. You'd have the expectation for the Lovelyz concept so no surprises there, but things like Stranger (power ballad song and the cool way she's presented) are unexpected especially given her 'type' and the industry.

Jin I feel like mostly got attention because her solo Gone had a QQQQ feels-inducing MV starring goddess child actress Kim Yoojung and EXO's Xiumin. Unfortunately, the MV does overshadow the song, which took me a while to get into. But she pulls off ballads so well that I'm kind of left wondering why she's in this cutesy pop girlgroup where her lines are enough quantitatively but don't seem to stand out or scream, "hey guys this is Jin singing here!" (She sings the first chorus to Candy Jelly Love and STILL I tend to overlook it because of distracting other things.)

And then the rest of the members who didn't have solo exposure before Lovelyz:
There's Kei, who reminds me of Girl's Day's Minah in terms of the way she's styled (the bangs and clean cute image, I suppose) and because she's the main vocalist ahaha. I'm surprised she was never in the media before. Her voice is pretty similar to many of the other girls' voices, but there's a smoothness and control to it that I can pick out. ;u; I do like that she doesn't actively try to sound cuter despite softening up for Candy Jelly Love. (In contrast, Jin obviously tries to use a cuter side to her voice in the song.)
For anyone questioning her main vocal abilities, see 1:43 of: Acapella performance of Word Up

My bias in the group so far is Soojung, who sings the first solo of Candy Jelly Love. She's uuuuugh so cute/pretty and reminds me of Morning Musume's Kudou Haruka who I also find to be an angel. I love that she's one of the youngest (born in 1997 lord help me) but is the one with a deeper, slightly husky voice AND is one of the vocal carries, with really good lines. (She does choruses in both Good Night Like Yesterday and Candy Jelly Love!)

Speaking of young, then there's maknae Yein who's born in 1998 jfc.. She has a certain awkward cuteness to her that's very appropriate for her 16 year oldness LOL. Something about her's very endearing. I don't know the range of her vocal prowess but so far to me she seems like she can sing well enough? There's a certain rawness and husky undertone to her voice that makes her one of the easiest to pick out. (Her parts are the 1st solo of the 2nd verse of Candy Jelly Love and the 1st singer in the bridge of Good Night Like Yesterday.) (I like that the two members with slightly lower voices in the group are the youngest ones LOL I can see this group having hella maknae power..)

And who can forget Mijoo? What the hell. She's so fucking pretty. Maybe it's because she has a gorgeously bright smile showing all her straight teeth, but she reminds me of Sooyoung from SNSD. And it's also because they're both so-so singers that do try! Soft tones and they both do the little squeak that even I do because I don't have the technique/control to end notes in a more complete way. It's charming from them though! I hope she'll be able to prove my impression of her as a passable-but-not-spectacular vocalist wrong. ;u; I think she has potential?

Ah... and lastly Jisoo, who's immersed in scandal to the point that she couldn't join the girls for their debut. It kind of works out since she had THE TINIEST TINY part in "Candy Jelly Love," thus it doesn't feel like much is missing. She does the engrish speaking part before the bridge that goes, "You're the best ever come in my life. You're the best of my life," and I think that's it ahah. So my assumption is that she's not a strong singer, though I guess I can't judge from this. AND THEN she's given the entire 2nd verse of Good Night Like Yesterday and doesn't sound impressive but also is passable enough?! So good for her! She probably has hidden potential too!

I love that despite their image of being cutesy (which is linked to being weak tbh), that's not all and they do sing. Especially after hearing their acapella bits, I think they have the potential to really bring it.... And I do appreciate that their weaker vocalists or members considered the "visuals" do make efforts to sing. They're actually more than passable and I like their voices enough. ;u; A Pink and SNSD are some of my favorite groups but to use them as an example: Na Eun and Yoona in purely vocal performances. Objectively, they struggle to be passable in terms of singing ability. (But still they've got plenty of other strong points and they're some of my favorites tbh. I just don't look to them for vocals.)

Sound's speeding!

hyu hyu, this is basically a narcissistic post of, "Hey look at these pictures that I'm in that kind of show what I've been up to!"

Yeeeeee, I had hella fun on this film shoot even if it meant long days and very little sleep. The shoot was supposed to end last Saturday, but they added one more day next Saturday for pick-up shots. But man, as soon as last Saturday was over, I basically went into a faux coma LOLLL. Got out of bed at 5 PM on Sunday..... Got out of bed at 3 PM on Monday because my only non-cancelled class was my 7 PM one........ Still pretty productive though throughout the nights. :> I'm a little sad that the last day of the shoot is coming since I'm not sure if I'll get the chance/have time to do any more shoots, but I learned a lot since it was my first time on a big'ish film shoot... I always used to say I don't have interest in film production (and only wanted to do post-production) but this changed that. ^^

(Also can I just say that I am super proud of myself for not only being able to stand in front of a room of people but also for being able to speak loudly and confidently in front of everyone without stuttering alksdfjlksdf)

pc: Edy

On stand-by.
My friend Edy told me to make the face at him and now I wish I were smiling LOL qq.. (These are taken with a film camera with rich-looking, expired film; pretty cool.)

pc: Edy

OOPS HAHAHAHAHA....

A snap of me at the end of a lunch break. Real fuckin' flattering.

And now shots in which I'm pretty insignificant but at least I'm still kinda there--and still doing what I consider to be cool things!

pc: Colin

First day on the shoot and nobody told me how wrongly I was doing my boom op job Q________Q I should be much, much closer, and the pole should be horizontal aaaa embarrassed. Oh well. Actually I'm pretty sure I must've gained some muscles from this film LOL.

pc: Meghann

Second to last day (excl. upcoming pick-up day) and I was the only person on the sound team to show up.... so I got, er, "promoted" to production audio mixer. :'DDDDDD Which is actually a lot less of a crucial job than boom operator imo but oh well. Stole my grip&lighting friend to help boom op for me in this scene heee..

pc: Colin

Somewhere on the side, but. At least I can say I worked alongside this heeeeella legitimate $$$ equipment. :D (the cam, and this doesn't even include the zoom lens and the dolly....) (hell, the microphone I was holding was like $4000..)

Momentum in the Moment

Aah, feels so good to be proactive. ^^ Film shoots have been unexpectedly so fun! Long hours and late nights but I'm learning a lot, enjoying the experience, making friends pretty easily, feeling good and confident. I've been one of the two boom mic operators, but also trying to help out lighting & grip when they're shorthanded by the end of the night. Today after work, I had dinner with my coworker and met her friends, which was fun. I'm socializing! The past few days, I've only been at my computer from 11 PM/1 AM til 4 AM. I need to stay up this late to do homework and take a breather and get things done, but I am productive. Tonight, I looked over the footage of a project I'm editing, and then I put together my resume and cover letter to apply for a really exciting internship I'm hoping to be able to do next semester. Despite working for 3.5 years, this is my first time properly applying to a job/internship and this one would be simply amazing to get!!

Chains

on the freedom of expression are the heaviest.

I really, mrgh.. have been feeling unmotivated lately. Like my spirit's been sucked out of me. Because life is busy and stressful, but not in any kind of fulfilling way. The drive I used to have to really pour all of my effort and heart into anything I engage in has taken a back seat--because what I'm being forced to do doesn't feel worth it, doesn't feel beneficial or rewarding, and I don't have a choice. I already have little to no free time, so it just feels sucky that the things I must commit my time to feel like a waste. Like going to class, where I feel like I'm hardly learning anything recently but attendance is required. And there's been a lot of disrespect and a lot of belittling of us students. How are we the inexperienced going to ever break out of this trap if only the experienced elite are allowed to do anything? Work is good, but just too busy, too overwhelming, and my newly bestowed tasks allow 0 innovative freedom which kind of makes me feel dead inside. Homework is a waste of time. Having assignments to spend the night on when you get home late everyday is a fucking bummer. But I will do all my homework because I have an obsession with grades that's arguably unhealthy. And this month, there will be lots of film shoots for projects I'm not even given room to care about because I'm just an inexperienced lackey and free student labor, and suddenly I matter when they want me to give up more of my time and my weekends... Go to work, film shoot until probably past 1 AM, go to work/class the next day, somehow fit homework in there, rinse and repeat. Obligation and no 'me time.' Gross. Lethargy. And frustrating ass people aren't really helping either.

And in the midst of this, I'm trying to find an outlet somehow somewhere. Two things that give me a recharge: singing and writing.

Sometime last week, I decided to procrastinate on an assignment (guess who's dealing with that now heh) and instead write and record a rap because I impulsively really felt like doing it, and this is one of the best things I've done in the past couple weeks in terms of personal fulfillment. It makes me so happy even if I'm not great at lyric writing or rapping. But... no time to mix it...... I wonder when it will be able to see the light of day, heh. :'D Plus I don't know if anyone will like or appreciate it.

And recently, I've had this inexplicable desire to write a screenplay. I didn't even have any story ideas; I just liked the very process of writing a screenplay.
So I spent my gap between classes yesterday trying to brainstorm story ideas, since I couldn't go home and do more urgently productive things. I realized that what gets me so stuck when it comes to screenwriting is the restriction of my imagination to merely reality, what's "easy to film," what's relatable to college students, etc. For us Radio-TV-Film students, it's so hammered into our heads that what's important is film production. When I write screenplay, I'm told to think about what might be filmable. When you try to make small talk with others in the major, they ask about if you're doing any film shoots. You just kind of forget that there's "Radio-TV" also attached to our lol degree title lol and that live action, accessible films aren't the only films there are.

I'm sorry, but truth be told, reality gets boring for me.
When I saw Book of Life (which btw is an AMAAAAAAAZING gem of a movie that I want to see again and highly recommend), I had this realization like, "This narrative and dialogue are all so well done..... The writing is great.. Ah........ wait, scripts can apply to animation as well... Maybe I can write a screenplay for animation, and it's okay even if my imagination soars?! Whoa!"

And animation is like a whole other world to me since nobody even mentions it in our department. You kind of forget that in animation, there are also people writing and editing and designing audio.....? The entire team isn't just made up of artists...? :'D (I actually am very interested in maybe trying to work on sound for animation or video games in the future heheh. But we learned nothing of the sort in classes, so good luck me.)

It's scary how much quicker a story comes to me when I have freedom of imagining life beyond humans. I came up with a simple premise as my short gap between classes would allow. I went to class all newly pumped up--not for the actual class at all--but to be able to bounce my thoughts and bombard my animation major classmate with questions.

I had a lot of apprehension I wanted to ask him about. Perhaps I'm thinking too practical and being the very thing entrapping myself. But what I wanted to know was: is there a point in me writing for animation when I'm not an animation major? This is the effect of film people practically ramming the belief that there's no point in writing screenplays unless it's filmable down my throat. Are there different rules between writing for film and for animation? I know animation majors focus a lot on coming up with characters, so since they already have the ideas, do they just develop those into stories? And meanwhile, there's no need for a pure writer or filmmaker to write a story that will be actually produced by other people? No need to 'outsource' for ideas?

"You should write whatever you feel like writing," this classmate told me. Oh, so much relief. That's what I need to hear.

Still, the answers to the questions were as I somewhat expected. They start with art designs and go into storyboarding. The outline and script are fluid, and there's no blueprint that dictates how the entire animation will go. In other words, it seems like there's no room for me. And the unfortunate lack of focus on narrative in the film major is just as apparent in the animation major. We have no classes about how to properly develop a story; what we learn is mostly technical or aesthetically driven.

This classmate didn't say or do anything wrong and I really appreciate him showing interest and discussing all this with me. But I just couldn't help but feel shut down. "What were you thinking for character design?" I don't know. I didn't think that far. That's not even one of the first things I think of. "You would want to keep to certain shapes for this kind of character. And how about conflicts?" So the one thing I felt a spark from, the one way I thought I might express myself with, I feel like I'm not qualified to do and like there's no point in me doing it. Not that there's time, heh.

And then I get sad because this all reflects a lot of work I see, whether done by students, or online, or professionally. Substance and cohesive narrative are no longer key despite how important they are, and how much they do make or break the quality of a piece. What's concentrated on is superficial--though I do acknowledge there's importance in appearance and presentation. How should we light this shot? What does the character look like? Custom art and animation are not only required, but make up a large portion of your score! And very little thought into conducting a story that makes sense and is fascinating/meaningful, or the actual singing in what's advertised as a 'singing' competition. Yes, that was an extremely pointed comment.

Catchin' catchin' up

Some more pictures from the past 2 weeks!

Classmates and I had a film shoot for our short film entitled "Cheater." The first night of shooting went til 4 AM, and the second night ended at 6 AM and I got home at 8 AM. hyuuuuuu. lord.

I was in charge of audio so I got to work a $299 Tascam audio recorder that we rented, and was also boom mic operator. The second night, we were short of hands so I also did some lighting/grip work and running extension cables and shit. Got a lot more physical than I expected, but... you know. Group projects teach you that you can't trust everyone to help or show up just because they say they will.

Happy boom op. (photo credit: Edy)

 Filming with Black Magic.

By the end of it at 6 AM. Rainy, cold, exhaustion.
A happy farewell to my shotgun mic bae of those 2 days, to which I was very attached to. with a cable. on my belt. Literally attached. We were married.



Right, and Halloween was 2 days ago.
:'D
..
Yano was like, "Hey Eva, want a Halloween costume?" and I said sure.
So I was a maid for Halloween.

but I'm not sure what this little tool is for~ g o s h u j i n s a m a ☆

[PHLOG] Mexico Cruise

[Blog, vlog, PHOTO LOG...]
Yo, yo!! Aaaa first time in a long time having a day just at home *^* Lots of things I wanted to blog about are no longer current, but looking back, I really did have a blast on my company cruise to Mexico so I'll dedicate a post to that~ I'm really lucky because I've been working there long enough to have the company cover all of my cruise expenses. I had to miss a whole day of class and I missed the opportunity to pitch my short screenplay The Anti-Cupid to the class as a potential to be made into a film, buuuuuut this might be a once in a lifetime chance that I'm glad I didn't miss!

It was such an adventure!! My first time on a cruise! And we went to Ensenada in Baja California, Mexico! And I felt like I got closer with my coworkers, who were great company!

photo credit: Jun

Come aboard?

Ba ba banished

[12:14:24 AM] Eva: but i'm not good at writing rap
[12:14:27 AM] Chiisana: OOOH
[12:14:31 AM] Chiisana: that's so cool
[12:14:43 AM] Chiisana: let me help!!
[12:14:45 AM] Chiisana: i am like
[12:14:49 AM] Chiisana: most gangsta
[12:14:51 AM] Eva: ........ BANISH YOU
[12:15:10 AM] Chiisana: IS THAT YOUR VERSE
[12:15:13 AM] Chiisana: IS IT A RAP ABOUT YU GI OH
[12:15:16 AM] Chiisana: I BA BA BANISH U
[12:15:19 AM] Chiisana: TO DA SHADOW REALM
[12:15:21 AM] Chiisana: realm
[12:15:25 AM] Chiisana: realm..
[12:15:37 AM] Chiisana: ...realm..
[12:16:17 AM] Eva: [Attention! This is a PSA] We can no longer be friends. Sayonara.

Things I learned from the film shoot

(We finished! Thursday's shoot went til 4 AM and Friday's til 7 AM hyuuuu)

• Patience is an immeasurably treasurable virtue.
• The importance of being perceptive of your environment, details, and those around you.
• Efficiency and safety are important and overlooked. You can't just do things well; you have to be smart about it.
• Ya gotta be assertive, assertive, assertive.
• Speaking up when you notice something wrong is good.
• Ability doesn't mean much if you can't be a respectful and respected person.
• Appreciation, positive feedback, politeness, and sensitivity go a looooong way. Even if you're the one person still trying to encourage others, look out for them, and show gratitude when it's 5 AM and you're just as tired as--if not more tired than--everyone else, it's still more than worth it to be that person. And be proud of it.
• Never expect anybody to do anything for you for free, even if all you can do in return is show humility and gratitude. But preferably if they're doing a favor without much to gain, you should do more.
• I thought manners were common sense but I'm disappointed.
• Hard workers and smart thinkers win.

Let It Go (Korean Rap Cover Ver w/ B.I.'s Lyrics)

Aaaah, soundcloud slammed this down for copyright, so box it is.. ;A; Really disappointed haha.

(Box link)

Korean rap lyrics by: B.I. (showcased in Mix & Match ep 6)
Translation by: iKon Global Subs

"Wall that people built to keep me locked up
Always pretending to be okay because of people's overwhelming attention
I learned while falling,
The way to walk alone
Have you ever had a feeling like
Everyday you're walking on thin ice
Uh, I want to get away from all the things that annoy me
Uh, let it go, let me be me
Become alive and breathe in this freedom"

I'm really sorry for simultaneously ruining what has become a classic Disney song, lyrics by the talented B.I., and the Korean language HAHAHA.......

"Let It Go" k-hiphop arrangement had so much hot mess potential, and many would argue that it really is a mess, but I like it. I enjoy the contrast and the challenge they took. Initially, I thought the idea was cheesy, but then I fell for the raps and restructuring of the song. :'D

Actually, what happened was that I only got about 7 minutes into this episode because this performance was at the beginning and I was smacked in the face with sudden inspiration to record *^*)9 so I grasped onto it!

Huehuehue I know I still have lots of other things (namely studying) to do, but I opened up the project to work on while eating dinner right after the long to-do post, and found that I'd already timed all my vocals last night at 3 AM. BLESS ME from yesterday... So I just finished it up and bam~ First time I recorded purely for fun since ;A;.. August?

To-Do & Reminders 10/20/14

Yoo I'm at home to have dinner before my 7 - 10 class! Every so often, I jot down a private post draft of things I need to do, and I always forget about it or get only the urgent things done and leave the rest to rot. But this week and around mid-November, I've really got to be on top of everything and with my tight scheduling and organization and aahhh >_<

QAQ So airing out my dirty laundry will hopefully force me to commit better LOL..

Today 20th:

• Submit my application for graduation (yea!!!)
• Ask bosses if I can work full day Tuesday and half day Friday
• [due Tues 21st] Cinematography midterm - Type up study guide, notes, send to 2 classmates
• Mix down tracks for Chiisa's project and send back to her
• [maybe] Shit mix - "Let It Go" rap I impulsively recorded last night
• [due Wed 29th] Research paper - Lock down topic?
• Check Seattle plane prices
• Check weather and add "bring umbrella" where appropriate lolol

Tuesday 21st:

• Work - Do weekly check run Tuesday instead of Thurs
• [due Tues 21st] Cinematography midterm - STUDY
• [due Mon 27th] Performance review - Watch movie(s), research, write it?
• Check Seattle plane prices

Wednesday 22nd:

• CINEMATOGRAPHY MIDTERM
• Ask dad if can borrow smartphone on Thursday/Friday
• [due Wed 27th] Research paper draft - Write intro paragraph and outline
• "Cheater" Film Shoot - Pack to bring the next 2 days:
• Equipment: Headphones, extension cords
• Props: Stuffed animals, white chest, girly decorations
• Script (on non-white paper) with notes for audio
• Notepad and pencil for noting actors' details for continuity
• Envelope for expenses receipts
• Check Seattle plane prices
• Don't sleep too late. (AW FFF too busy and it's already 1:29 AM so I don't have a choice but to push the research paper draft to next mon/tues qq)

Thursday 23rd:

• "Cheater" Film Shoot
• Wear neutral/earthy colors!!!
• Head to Edy's house for film shoot after work
• Film shoot til ~1 AM? hyuuuu it went til 4 AM
• Bring:
• sweats and comfy clothes jic
• snacks
• Sleep as fucking soon as you get home.

Friday 24th:

• Work - Try to work half day only
• "Cheater" Film Shoot
• Wear neutral/earthy colors!!!
• Head to campus for film shoot after work
• Film shoot until....... sunrise.................... :/ hyuuuuu it went til 7 AM
• Bring:
• sweats and comfy clothes
• toothbrush, deodorant, hand sanitizer
• water bottles, snacks
• dad's smartphone

Saturday 25th:

• Refuse to wake up until at least 4 PM. HAHAHA guess who woke up at 7 PM
• Sleepover party with NYA friends~
• Bring an umbrella! I forgot to check the list first oops

Sunday 26th:

• Sleepover party with NYA friends~
• [due Mon 27th] Performance review - Final check

Monday 27th/Tuesday 28th:

• [probably] "Cheater" Film - Audio edit first draft
• Check Seattle plane prices
• [due Wed 27th] Research paper draft - Write intro paragraph and outline

Wednesday 29th:

• Research paper draft - Print out, bring to class

Less Defined Goals:

• [by Sat, Nov 1st] Go to Staples and return headphones
• "Cheater" Film Shoot - Make excel doc for expenses
• Blog and/or Facebook - Pictures from cruise..
• [maybe] Vlog(s) - Surprise party.. Cruise..
• Mix - Duet with Chiisana
• Mix - Gemini project
• Update car music
• Cosplay - Add pictures to price list
• I want to say exercise but it probably won't happen.
• Troubleshoot DaVinci Resolve on my comp for Color Correction class
• orz.... I want to write a screenplay for fun.

Reminders for November:

• Figure out scheduling because I have 2 potential party weekends and also ~3 film shoots
• Finish editing Kelly (short film) as final project for Color Correction class and finally upload to youtube...

Late night rambling #11

Sometimes you kind of wonder at what point you started giving too much of a shit about image, how people perceive you, how you present yourself, acceptance, and the weight of vanity and insecurity as driving forces in your approach as a social being.
Like.
I accidentally went down 2 years.. 4 years.. into my facebook posts. Specifically the posts I wrote. First of all, I'm shocked that I used to write any posts at all considering how utterly reserved and fearful I am now towards facebook? I was much more open, was willing to be stupid, wasn't as afraid to put myself and my words out there on a platform frequented by those who physically surrounded me but didn't know me. Then I remember that back then, I was in high school or had just graduated, and I was still a kid and didn't need to care that much. I guess? I wonder if I'm regressing, being less bold and confident, clinging back to my shell? Or is this a part of growing up and me wanting not only to be more adult-like in nature, but to be acknowledged as more mature and levelheaded. I'M ACTUally really... like what happened to me?! I used to post things on facebook?! I can't do that anymore!! Why not? Why can't I just not give a shit? Why can't I let it go and just embrace me and not care if others don't understand or accept 'me?' It's strange that I find it unfortunate that people don't know much about me yet I'm too ashamed of who I am to show myself beyond a few pictures once in a while. I don't know why I'm so embarrassed of myself and my interests. How do others do it and not care if people might think they're weird? Image should not actually be this important.

I'm incoherently brain fried yaaaay I'm also getting pretty sleep-deprived as of late and holy shit busy busy :'D
Also I went on my company cruise last weekend! I want to post some pictures but that requires actually being at home and sitting in front of my computer for more than half an hour not doing homework or with my brains fried out or rebelling against productivity because of overload/overtime at work or too exhausted to do much.

Sometimes I slay myself

Things you accidentally find when looking for something in old convos:

[3/14/2014 11:56:49 PM] Eva: today i found out
[3/14/2014 11:56:54 PM] Eva: that breadmaker in French is
[3/14/2014 11:56:57 PM] Eva: Machine a Pain
[3/14/2014 11:57:05 PM] Eva: yes.... i'd like me a machine o' pain
[3/14/2014 11:58:36 PM] Eva: the only function being "Infliction upon others"
[3/14/2014 11:58:39 PM] Eva: maximum setting


HAHAHHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... slaps knees and breaks into hysterics at the horizon I'm so dumb

Blue

*u* The pretty box from the Chocolatier Blue (gym badge-looking) chocolates that Fome gifted me on my birthday has just been sitting around, so I decided to put it to use as my new necklace case! It works perfectly and now they won't be tangled and it's so cute alksdfjsdk

Also, I've been more interested in photography lately. Not necessarily practicing it more or improving at it (yet!), but it's something I'd like to dabble with more going forward.

Mm, especially with the things I'm interested in or will be doing, it worries me that I have a poor sense of aesthetic LOL. Pretty shitty with color coordination, inexperienced at framing images, and I tend to upload pictures entirely unfiltered because I don't care. Also with the color correction and cinematography classes I've been taking this semester, I started paying more attention to the look of things. And improving at photography is a good start to improving at film-making! (Not to mention I wouldn't mind trying more cosplay photoshoots whether in front of or behind the camera..)

So today I just tried editing a couple photos for the first time with somewhat more stylistic intent? Not my first time using photo editors at all, but I think things like editing out stuff you don't want people to see or photoshopping yourself on a Love Live card (trololol) are different from trying to .. aesthetically improve the entire look of a photo? Purposely retouching things to draw focus to other things or changing the overall feel.

Shiny things~ Before and after:

heheheh staying up til 4:39 AM watching a show and browsing kpop articles.... this is my one act of "doing something out of feeling and impulsive gut desire instead of obligation" since..how long ago? until how long? :'D

Anti-Cupid

Ahah I get so excited whenever I write narrative because I don't get to often due to disinterest (I wish I had more interest!), a drought of ideas, and disliking conflict.

But here's a short screenplay I wrote for a class! I want to produce more because I enjoy the process of writing, but nope, no ideas.. Anyway, I intend to pitch this to potentially be made into an actual short film. We'll see what happens. ^^

{The Anti-Cupid}

Side note: damn life is so busy QAQ I don't know if I know how to relax anymore

Self-Reliance

The trouble with being primarily self-reliant:

at the times when you really need someone to lean on,

nobody is trustworthy enough

and there's no one there

Wistfully Yours

An expanded and re-purposed version of a fluff that I wrote before, previously entitled Gong Xiang Hua (which I had supposed to mean something like "Shared Flower").

My classmates couldn't understand the story... and tbh I'm not sure if that means flawed writing on my part or that they were just the wrong audience. =A=;;;

I ended up keeping the working title, Wistfully Yours, and am totally aware that it sounds like it should be about some shitty romance à la lingering feelings for an old flame. Oh the delicious irony when I'm just like HAHAHAHA nope you get an ancient Asian-inspired fantasy teenage friendship thing HAHA oh and with giant flying creatures umm have fun.

to all of them

How we get so much flaky bluffing bullcrap, paper promises, and ventures conceived only to quickly fizzle out to disinterest--because here we see conformists insecure about being left behind, grappling blindly onto every glorified fad with lack of any substantial motivation to actually pull through or produce anything heartfelt.

Love Live! Cosplay @ JX2014

Helloo 
I keep having things I want to blog about, and then I don't have time and the moment passes by with a trace of regret. So I'll go right into it while everything's still fresh!! even though it's 3 AM and I'm fucking exhausted as fuckturded fuck aaaa.

Lately I've been really busy (friends, work, mixing, still editing the dumb video, exercise) which is maybe a good thing?? I start school again next Monday and we're ending summer vacation with a bang!

Today, my NYA friends and I attended a small anime/Japanese cultural convention here in NorCal. Our very own Karu did a dance/singing performance actually and was fantastic. ;v; It wasn't exactly an eventful con, but what really made the day for me was probably the fact that Y and I did 'casual' cosplays of Love Live. A bunch of friends and I have been planning to do a Love Live cosplay group (aiming for AX2015 and we already have fabric picked out ohoho), but Y and I are the only ones who have our wigs so decided to put them to use. xD

Following suit to how I grew an attachment to cosplaying Kagepro, we were able to meet a lot of friendly and cute fellow Love Live cosplayers and got to take pictures with them, which makes the entire experience all the more enjoyable and cosplaying worth it. We even got to do a somewhat informal but still fun photoshoot! *A* First time working with a cosplay photographer!

Sonoda Umi - "Love Bind"

Since I already had similar clothes, I decided to cosplay one of Umi's SR cards from the rhythm game mobile app School Idol Festival (which btw gets a bit addicting but it's sooo goood ffff). Except I still fail with circle lenses so as usual, I had to tip between Glasses ver. and BlindAsHell ver. cosplays.

Y made a really lovely and suiting Nozomi! *^* And she did my makeup!!! Bless her for saving my incompetent, lazy soul. (Pinned up bangs here because driving heheh)

dumb things

Perfection it is not, but I'm not sure how much more I could ask for from my friend group. I'm really, very blessed. It's already surreal to have been able to form a group of friends who met over the internet through common hobbies and musical interests, live in the same area, are all extremely talented (seriously tho-- vocals, mixing, animation, and art are all A+), are all attractive and charming in their own ways, enjoy the same tropes and dumb jokes, and click well together.

Most importantly, they're all not only genuinely good people, but good friends. The amount of support and warmth and well intentions and acceptance makes me feel so lucky to be here. Not to mention the amount of affection (shown in varying degrees and ways) and how clear everyone makes it that they love and appreciate the company of each other.

I was reminded of and revisited what I wrote in March after NYA's San Francisco adventure:

I'm also really proud of my friends. I don't think this day would've been as much fun as it was if they didn't all make such great strides in coming out of their shells. Some of us have a lot of shyness, anxiety, awkwardness, inability to express or click easily with others, fear of being loud, fear of being noticed or of garnering attention, fear to be ourselves, fear of being assertive, nervousness when in crowds, distance from others, a dislike for socializing. Sometimes it feels like there's a divide among NYA between those that are outgoing and those that aren't as outgoing, and I saw every single person that usually isn't as outgoing or has any of those traits I listed above take a step forward. By the end of the day, everyone got along greatly and didn't seem afraid. I'm so proud. :)

Since then, even greater strides have been made and more shells shattered. Of course, we're all growing and learning from experiences outside of our interactions with each other, but I really do feel as though everybody in NYA has this magnetism for bringing out the best in others. It's not even limited to us NYA members because we've seen that we've influenced those that have spent time with us, in a good way. It's really nice to see and makes me proud to be friends with such caring and cool people.

I do feel like a lot of us in the group spent most of our lives feeling as though we should suppress our true feelings and behaviors. To be honest, all of us are pretty weird in our own ways and maybe that's why we can all understand and accept each other as we are. Moreover, we see what each other has been missing from our lives and try to provide it or give a nudge towards it, and in that way, we're healing each other and building meaningful confidence. This summer especially, I've been seeing everyone mature or unlock a side to them that may have feared shameful or unworthy. In any case, I'm really happy for all of my NYA friends and happy for myself for having them. I appreciate those dumbbutts.

"I really don't care this time"

"I just want to get it done," I mumble through metaphorical sobs as has happened every time, as I render this video for the billionth time with the billionth change after the billionth time of hating it after working on it every single day for a week, at 3 AM with work in 6 hours fuck me I'm sooooooo bitter about this video but I want to get it up but I just don't like the quality of it fuck my coffee-filled veins tomorrow

It will never end.

Guess who uploaded her short film to youtube only to watch it and hate it (again) and decide to go over all of the editing (again) and is super bitter & whiny about it :D

When being detail-oriented is a curse

Maybe airing my dirty laundry out to the internet was what it took because I'm finally working on editing Kelly again so I can finally, finally upload this.... 2 and a half months after filming...............

[6:19:40 PM] Chiisana: t..there was more to work on..?!
[6:19:47 PM] Eva: i.. i was really unhappy with the result LOL
[6:19:52 PM] Eva: mostly the camera
[6:19:56 PM] Eva: because it wasn't good at getting shallow focus
[6:20:04 PM] Eva: like i wanted was for one thing to be really in focus
[6:20:09 PM] Eva: while everything else is blurry?
[6:20:22 PM] Eva: but even on the best settings, the camcorder didn't make things that blurry
[6:20:24 PM] Eva: so now i'm literally
[6:20:37 PM] Eva: going through every scene, making a copy, masking it, and adding a blur ._.

Masking out areas to be blurred: in this case, the background and the animals nearest to the camera.

And then there's keyframing because when the actress moves, I don't want her to be in the area that's blurred. (The diamonds along the bottom timeline indicate that a change was made to the masking at that point.) Thus it's a bit of 'animation' too.

I don't wanna do this kind of meticulous and tedious shit, maaaaan :(

Where's my editing team?! Where's my coffee?!! Personal masseur?!
I'm going to be a haughty filmmaker now. I demand benefits!!!!

another day passes by

and the things that I've been meaning to do are still put off:
unpacking cosplay luggage from AX.......
re-editing and uploading my short film Kelly..........
it's so hard i don't wanna do it  

Kuchibiru Kara Romantica

This is what summer's about! Just dropped a short cover that I spontaneously decided to do this evening after singing it a few times this afternoon. xD Nostalgia abound for me as this was part of Gemini's round 4 entry in DUBattle Royale, and I still like the song. I'm not even that into jazz, but this song and Scissorhands just hit the right spot?
It's so fun to sing! And I can't use this kind of stylizing/tone for most songs! AND very importantly: the notes are actually not that high!! So I can sing it! BANZAI.



[Box ver]

AAA - Kuchibiru Kara Romantica
(The Romance of Your Lips)

Happiness

NEVER. Never would I have ever expected to like exercising. What the hell?!

There was doing ab workouts for the sake of cosplay, and then everything got kicked up a notch in the past few weeks. Some friends and I have started to do sort of a "challenge" where we set ourselves a weekly goal of hours to exercise and then document our daily exercise times. At the end of the week, if you fail to reach your goal, you gotta pay up whatever amount you set for yourself. (For me, I put $1 per every half hour I'm under the goal.) And this money goes towards our hotel funds for next year's AX!

It's super effective because I have actually been exercising everyday :D! And trying new things~ I'm doing harder workouts, did a mile on a track for the first time in 5 years, have a weekly(?) 2-mile walk around a lake with friends, took a walk around and explored my neighborhood for the first time after I ate dinner yesterday. This is all a huuuuuuge feat to me considering that 1) I used to think the kitchen was too far, 2) I haven't really properly exercised since PE five years ago, 3) I used to be afraid of going outside, and 4) I still kind of dislike being seen in public.

But the right source of motivation is a strong factor. NYA is going to the beach in a week and a half. And I do like my body currently looking more fit than it used to. ^^



In other news, my jam right now is Red Velvet's "Happiness," just freshly debuted from SM. The song didn't capture me on first.. or second.. or third listen, but fuuuu I had to go buy the single off iTunes as soon as it came out LOL. The song's about how we can be happy if we stopped caring about the things that have corrupted adults: money and power; so they've already won brownie points with me for the message. I didn't really pay attention to SMROOKIES so I'm only getting to know these 4 lovely ladies now, but WOW ARE THEY TALENTED AND GORGEOUS AND ADORABLE and and and. help I really like Red Velvet.

This performance really helped to win me over ;A; They're singing live (!! f'reals, proof in the MR removed vids) and sound GOOD. WHILE DANCING WELL. AND LOOKING ENERGETIC AND GENUINELY HAPPY. AND BEING EXTRAORDINARILY PRETTY. And judging from interviews and whatever glimpses into their characters, they seem passionate about the stage and being performers. How many idols these days are like that?



From the promo material, they all look like the same person, but after seeing them perform and actively putting in effort to differentiate them, they're pretty distinct to me? ;v;

Irene (pink hair) is the leader, born in 1991 which surprises me since most debuts in k-pop now are of fetuses. She looks a bit like Na Eun and is really pretty with a feminine, classy charm. *A* I still haven't heard her properly sing. She sings and raps in Happiness and while none of it is impressive, none of it is weak? I like her.

Seulgi (orange hair) seems overflowing with talent as she's a main vocal and arguably the strongest dancer. She has so much power in her voice and her moves, and ferocity in her stare. *A* I like her too.

Wendy (blue hair) is the one with the belty SHIIINE ON MEEE high notes. She definitely can sing well and her predebut covers are rather interesting. She's from Canada! *A* I also like her.

Joy (green hair) is the youngest and looks a lot like child actress Kim Yoojung who I'm also a big fan of. //// She's just a bundle of sunshine and performs with such enthusiasm and a smile that makes me ... want to be her LOL. I look forward to getting to hear her properly sing or rap, but I do enjoy how cute her voice is. SHE'S ADORABLE. For some reason, she's the member I'm currently most drawn to. ;^;)/

Reaching for Clouds when Stars Don't Shine

Just wanted to jot down a bit about something that's been on my mind often. :D I had a pretty lengthy and interesting conversation with Yano and Kazou today about this, and I'm glad I did because it's reassuring that there are others that think the exact same way I do.

Maybe it's because I started becoming surrounded by people who desire great things: become a rock star, be a successful freelance composer, work for a big famous company, pick up and relocate, travel the world, and of course everyone I remember who aims to be a surgeon, gynecologist, a glorious lawyer for justice. There's nothing wrong with that! They do what they want!! But with exposure to that, constant external pressure to become something and decide on my path, and recently seeing into how almost everyone in my major has been actively working on films or radio to pursue their very special goal, I started wondering if there's something wrong with me. Because I have no dreams for the future.

Or so I really thought for years. But I think it's okay if your dream is to be happy and making a decently humble living. It's okay if your dream is to work a small-title job that you don't dread and that feeds you, while enriching other aspects of your life. It's okay to not have a big dream, to not want to be anything extraordinary, to take things step by step, to be content with your life! I'm actually very happy with my life right now and that's a great thing.

But in such a competitive environment where all that most family, coworkers, classmates, and acquaintances care about is when you're going to graduate and what your career plan is for the future, it's hard to not feel anxious or incompetent. University starts again later this month and that frightens me beyond the usual anxiety about attending school and being around other university students. I dipped my foot into the world of film last semester (and somehow won the sound design award for my first film, holy shit?!) and I see how serious and passionate the filmmaker-aspiring students are about their craft. And if not that, then they're managing the school's radio station or doing internships related to media.

When I go back, what can I say I've done this summer?
I worked dedicatedly hard on a cosplay, felt totally accomplished on its completion, was praised for its execution while proudly wearing it at a con. Took a break to catch up on sleep and indulge in relaxing things I like. Spent time recording and mixing for upcoming projects. Made money by working 20-25 hours a week and gained confidence in being capable in a field I've never been interested in. Started to exercise daily and am improving on my endurance and physical strength, and am actually enjoying/wanting to move despite 21 years of hating physical movement. Started working on next year's cosplay which we're excited to do a group for. Spent a lot of quality time with friends and felt like I'm building close and meaningful friendships. Been true to myself. Felt like I'm growing as a person and breaking more out of my shell. Was very happy with life in general.

Instead of that, what would people hear? Oh, Eva worked on no films or productions and has furthered herself in no way in the pursuit of a career. It's okay that that's important to them. But to me, all of the things I've done or plan to do this summer are just as important.

One of the things we discussed was how people say that you should aim high so that if you fall, you'll still be able to land yourself a formidable height. I can understand that, but it's not for me because my values and desires are different? We were talking about how if you're aiming so much for that shiny goal, oftentimes you miss out on or don't appreciate the steps in between. (I see it happening around me when people are dissatisfied that they're not successful yet, even though I think it's still possible to feel satisfied with the little achievements while journeying.) Or if you focus so much on reaching that one thing, you miss this path and that path and oh, that other path over there.

In that last case, we were referring more to having a specific, concrete goal.. but then again, most big dreamers I think wouldn't settle for an ambiguous one. After all, it's with specialization--a small surface area--that one can apply more of a push. And yet, I personally can't agree with wanting to sprint my entire life through a tube at the end of which is a narrow, little slit. To me, that's what it sounds like. Realistically, we can't control what opportunities we'll have in the future as much as we want to try. I'm sure those with real passion for what they're running towards could be able to put in the extra effort to earn themselves the job they want, but that kind of sacrifice might not be something I'm willing to expend. Realistically, a lot of people end up getting jobs or building careers in fields completely unrelated to the degrees they have. What matters is that you have a diploma, that you're competent in what you're applying for, and hardworking enough to keep the job.

So maybe I don't know what I want to do yet. So maybe I'm okay with learning everything that I can about a variety of things for now, and going after whatever opportunities later. So maybe I don't desire for much, don't want to be anyone famous, am completely happy in Norcal and in the house I'm living in (I already pay rent but willing to pay more later), happy with the job I have even if it's unrelated to my major, and want to "waste" time bonding with friends that feel like the icing on top.
If only I liked icing.

Fuwa Fuwa Time

Pre-AX and post-AX life is so different IT'S HILARIOUS AND WONDERFUL WAHAHAHA. Other than the days I have work, I literally just get out of bed between 2 to 5 PM and laze around, watch dramas, chat with friends, laze around some more with friends, play mobile games on my iPad that I'm getting a little addicted to (oops), and sing because I want to!

Though I'm finding myself in a weird slump in which I have the time to record and I have the desire to sing AND will to put effort into a cover.... but there's nothing I want to sing?! Nothing's calling out to me. There's that spark of inspiration that's missing, and it's this spark that most don't necessarily need these days because chorus battles dictate your activity whether you're passionate about it or not, but it's this spark that I find magical and organic. I think it's why I've become pretty picky about what goes up on my youtube channel (because really, I could upload anything or even nonserious short covers) because when I look through my recent videos, there are things like Tonight and Answer that make me go: Wow! This is something I actually really wanted and was motivated to do and put lots of effort into!

I do actually wanna upload a cover this summer so I'm on the quest for a song that'll motivate me. xD Maybe something new will be released in K-pop with an instrumental that I'll love and want to sing or rap?! Hopefully?!

Anyway, I started tiding over my craving for singing by revisiting old anime songs because those are fun unless they're just really out of my range... I'm enjoying it though since I only recently got back into the groove for watching anime after AX ahahah. (Except moe still annoys me and overly nonsensical things still annoy me, even more so than kdrama angsty makjang bullshit.)

I ended up uploading my one shot of Fuwa Fuwa Time (from K-On!) because using this kind of voice is super fun. =3= It's hard to find the right song for me ehehh.

Throwback because back in 2009, Chiisana and I did 2 duet versions of this song, with me supporting her Yui with my Mio, and her supporting my Mio with her Yui. :'D

But yeah, I think I just need to recharge for a bit more and then I'm .. actually.. a little too okay with starting on next year's cosplays soon already..... It's a little frightening.... LOL Deep down, a workaholic in the making. orz I'm totally enjoying this chill downtime, but I don't think I can stand personally feeling obsolete for too long? Idk, just me!

AX2014

Hi, blog! It's really been a while since I've sat down to post here without it having been... that one hour I waited in the salon for my haircut LOOOOL.

Unfortunately, I broke tradition and didn't vlog this year's AX trip D: but I don't regret it. This year was so busy and hectic and other times uneventful or frustrating. As a bonus, I was one of the hotel room holders so I took it upon myself to try to make sure I was on top of everything and could take responsibility for everything so at all times, I had something or another on my mind ;; AND there was cosplay... If I had decided to vlog, I would've been too overwhelmed and it would've been forced, holding out a camera and talking to it. I can't say that the entire trip was a pleasant time. To be entirely honest, I feel guilty that there were times I could no longer hold it in so there was once I had a mini breakdown and a few times I just withdrew into a little sulky, irritable ball in a corner. So in some senses, I feel like I failed as the leader figure pillar I was trying to be and I'm sorry to my hotelmates for that. But all that aside!! Regardless of whether things were positive or negative, it was all an interesting experience we learned from.

Ultimately, I did have a great time and I'm so glad that I go to AX every year. It's not really about the con, but about the people and experience. Sharing a hotel room with ~10 people (we had 2 rooms and 16 people total, but the distribution every night turned out a bit uneven so my room was often jam packed haha) and making new friends and becoming a family is an incredible adventure. There's so much warmth and mirth. <3 Anywhere you go, you have friends who're like family who really care about you and readily give hugs and support. That's really how I'll always remember our hotel room family this year. ^^

I don't have that many pictures because of being busy or otherwise just hanging out with friends casually (which doesn't make for an exciting photo or vlog subject).
The result of my Puzzle & Dragons Water Courier Ruka cosplay you can find in this post here! Summary and other pics from AX2014 under the cut! :>

Water Courier Ruka Cosplay @ Anime Expo 2014

Next time I decide on a cosplay, please remind me to imagine myself wearing the character's outfit because I clearly didn't think it through when I committed myself to Water Courier Ruka from the game Puzzle & Dragons LOL. I'm embarrassed to say the least about wearing this costume, buuuuuut...... since I worked my ass off on it, I should post the results at least here, right? (Facebook and twitter don't need to know-- Esp facebook PLEASE don't let this ever get onto there. orz)

This is actually my first time ever making a cosplay. ;_; All of the Kido stuff Yano, Myst, and Chiisana made for me because we were rushing the last weekend before AX and I didn't know how to use a sewing machine. So doing this Ruka cosplay was my first time using a sewing machine, first time using craft foam, spray paint, acrylic paint....... Sadly I couldn't get my green circle lenses in my eyes, but there's always next year! I still have tons of things to fix now that I know better. :>

I started in January, worked like a snail during the school semester, and then basically worked on this day and night once school let out haha. And in between, I'd been obsessively doing ab workouts, though to very little fruition. Anyway, this is how the cosplay turned out!

Some of us had been talking about having a Puzzle & Dragons cosplay group since AX last year, and then coincidentally they announced not too long ago that they'd be having a booth this year! So we actually received some goodies from the staff and got to take a lot of pictures in front of the booth haha.

Me as Water Courier Ruka
Myst as Princess Valkyrie
Chiisana as Tamadra