and don't let go 'cause you're my star~

WOW HEY, LOOK WHO HAS FREE TIME TODAY!! TO BLOG!!!! The bright side of some things not working out is that I get a bit of chill time, instead of being constantly burnt out while AX looms dangerously closer. I've also been working hard on 3 really, incredibly big videos at work (as in, they're going to be shown to 140,000 people.....) and I'm finally almost done! So close! Fingers crossed that there are no more/minimal last minute changes, so that on Monday morning I can simply export final versions and be free of deadline stress ^^;;

(skip to 0:40)

I'd say the only kind of significant thing that really happened between my last post and now is that I fell down the Produce48 hole, but it's a fluffy nice hole and I'm not going to get out. Somehow after watching episode 2—which the girls spent learning to sing and dance Nekkoya (Pick Me), their theme song—I felt this burst of inspiration to try to learn the dance... And this is coming off of feeling disheartened about my dancing, losing all of my confidence in it, becoming scared again about doing it around people, thinking that I'd probably never get to a presentable level no matter how I try because I have no idea how to fix the fact that my movements are fucking awkward and uncontrolled and blahhhh. Anyway, I still got off my ass and tried to dance that night, and I'm glad that even though I looked like absolute shit—really like a giant long piece of shit dangling from a wire during a typhoon, the worst—I did enjoy doing it.

It's been a few days of slowly kind of trying to practice the chorus arm movements, and...I almost kind of want to say that I'd like to keep trying to work at this dance? I was thinking to aim for being able to comfortably dance it by the end of Produce48's run. But idk. It could end up being a goal I drop just like other goals I've dropped. (coughs at practicing the Bad Boy dance)

I did realize today though that there were two big things that I cowardly ragequit simply because I was bad at them: animating and dancing. I used to make all the videos for Gemini until I couldn't keep up at all with animations and aesthetic, and decided it was better for me to not do it anymore. I've also uploaded a couple of bad dance covers back in the dark ages, which I took down. I definitely told myself, "I'm never going to do a dance cover again." But.....ya girl is back to badly animating and reaallyyy terribly attempting to move her body in a way that vaguely resembles dance, so IF IT ALL CANCELS OUT I'M NOT A COWARDLY QUITTER AFTER ALL I THINK???


Ever since it was announced, I had my doubts about Produce48—especially coming off of watching Produce 101 China, which was also girls except it's an incredibly frustrating show... But there's something magical about Produce48 for me. I forgot how much I liked AKB48. My interest in Japanese idols waned a ton; but at one point, idols like Hello!Project and AKB were my life... When I was in middle school, I thought I would try to audition for a H!P global audition if they ever held one. Even as I was starting to become interested in k-pop, my dumb fantasy then was to get into SM Ent and be part of a Japan-centric group. (Interestingly, they never did come out with one since they've dedicated themselves to tackling China, so I guess I don't have to regret not trying that path lolol.)

We were all grimacing in expectation of the AKB girls being one-sidedly humiliated on this show where they were up against Korean trainees who're part of this extremely cutthroat, systematic bootcamp where you're either the best or not good enough. It's easy to compare the foundations of their skills and see the imbalance. But what I'm loving is that people are discovering what makes the AKB girls so well-loved despite that, and that there's something the Korean trainees can learn from them too to make their performances more compelling. A lot of the AKB girls just sparkle when they perform—they're so full of charm and energy that you can't help but enjoy seeing them enjoy themselves and do their best. I'm finding that I'd personally rather watch a lot of them than the girls whose moves are more accurate. Perhaps that's some of the appeal of the "girl next door" concept, but this kind of thing gave me hope in middle school when I had no skills but didn't close the door on myself anyway.

Maybe it's giving me that same hope again? Obviously not to pursue an idol career or any kind of performance career, heeeelllll no, but I spent the past few days trying to sort of dance and I'm also memorizing both the Korean and Japanese lyrics (I never actively try to memorize lyrics lol) and now I think, "Maybe I will try to do a dance cover again."


Under the cut, I'mma briefly talk about my faves on the show LOL.

Hi Phil and Paul

I can't believe you guys are still reading this dead blog.

Reverse Impostor Syndrome

I almost began writing what would have been a string of tweets, when I realized that I missed how years ago I used to blog about my feelings just simply...to share them in the moment—not just with the lessons learned and how I overcame them or a message of some sort.

This past week I've been going through what I'm calling reverse impostor syndrome, which in a nutshell means that I thought I was doing okay but actually, it turns out I suck.

In January, friends and I started going to a beginner's k-pop dance class with an instructor who was just starting her program at this dance studio. She's moving, so last Sunday I attended her last class. :( But! I'll probably be trying to do some sessions with some friends I met in the class so it may not be the end of my attempt at k-pop dance idk ;o;

So after the last class, I went on our instructor's instagram for the first time and saw her recordings from the past few classes. Somehow I feel like it was a wake-up slap in the face. I've always felt self conscious about my body and the way that it moves—it's super awkward and is especially evident when I try to do intentional movements, like exercising or dancing. This fear + stage fright almost stopped me from attending that first class in January. And when I saw those recordings..... I looked exactly as awkward as I used to fear that I was. Over the course of these months, because I started becoming more and more confident about dancing, because I'd made a little progress in overcoming my stage fright, because I'd heard a few kind words from others, I somehow thought.. it must have been proof that I'd gotten better at dancing and physical movement? There's no way I would become so confident if I looked silly, right? Given my self-consciousness, I couldn't be as bad as I thought, right? :/ I honestly kind of wish I never saw those videos, that I could just keep dancing badly but blissfully ignorant about how bad I am.

I also got to see just how shitty my posture makes me look... Admittedly I purposely have bad posture in order to not appear confident, so that people won't have high expectations for me. ;;;;; That realization makes me sad because it's almost like I fear being confident..?

This week, I recorded for an original song that had a really short non-negotiable timeline, which I agreed to because I thought I would be able to do it! I made the decision to retire my snowball mic which is honestly overdue, but I didn't have the motivation to do it until it gave me overwhelming EQ troubles for the first time the past few months. ;n; Fome is long-term lending me a fancyshmancy microphone, and Chiisana let me borrow her audio interface since I wouldn't be able to receive one in time for this deadline. T__T It was super nice of them and I honestly felt they were setting me up for success!! Sometimes I try to practice singing in the car and I started feeling like I was doing better, until I hear myself recorded and realize I can't fucking sing.... Many many times I'd do a take and think, "Yesss finally! I think that's the one! That one felt good!" but play it back and it's horrible, which is nothing but disheartening.. Aaaah I was foolish to overestimate myself. It was a regrettable struggle, only being able to record at night after work, exhausting my voice quickly without getting any decent takes, but only having a couple of days to finish so I didn't have a choice but to record until 4 AM, all the while frustrated and stressed ;;; I was fortunately able to finish but idk if I'll share the completed song as I currently don't like how I sound on it at all.

Anyway, there's no moral or anything. That's it, that's the post.