2024

On most years, I follow my annual blog traditions: a birthday post wearing the same green shirt I've taken a mirror selfie in for over half of my life, review at the end of the year, 100 resolutions for the next one... Every cool project, every milestone, the thoughts that I feel are important to my journey, usually I capture all of that here.

Soooooo hi — oops — I disappeared from this blog for a year and a half. I guess we're catching up on everything at once!

Starting with my annual birthday mirror selfie: I turned 31 all the way back in May!

I think it's very funny how freaked out I was last year upon turning 30.

Once you make it over the hump, it's not nearly such a huge ordeal anymore. Many of my worries that I'd start to feel oppressed and guilted over my self expression, personality, tastes, wardrobe, certain lacking of ability — I don't even have time to worry about these days. I just express myself however the fuck I feel like, with however much cringe I want and the people around me reciprocate :-D

There's definitely fortunate timing involved though that I'm benefitting from! Have you noticed recently there seems to be a universal shift in what's considered young or old, and what the expectations are for each age group? So many people feel empowered to rediscover themselves in their 30's that they're no longer always expected to have everything figured out. Meanwhile the 20's are given more space to make mistakes, and the teens are finally recognized for how young and vulnerable they are.

Still... I try not to mention that I'm 31 years old if I can help it..... but hey, I'm proud that it's no longer a complete skeleton in the closet.

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Over the past year I've thought a lot about my blog disappearance; it's a somewhat telling reflection on what kind of year I've had, I think. So many times I wondered what I'd say when I write here again and I never fully molded that answer until now...

In short: I think this year I've been overly busy in a negative way. I had been pushing myself too hard and am now facing the consequences. Really it feels like I can recall February earlier this year... then I blinked and suddenly it was December and I was still holding my breath; now finally I can breathe but need to relearn how. Health was awful this year starting with my first COVID experience in February (avoided it for four years though!), a lingering cough til June that was so intense it sprained my ribs, two trips to Urgent Care, heart issues relapsing, and overall having lower energy than ever before — but I've been making some healthier progress over the past couple weeks!

A major change this year is that responsibility increased in multiple aspects of my life and work. I'm constantly feeling like I carry a lot on my shoulders, the fates of others laying in my hands, and it's made even the simple things harder to handle... Sometimes it's a little paralyzing. ;; There's a lot I can't talk about publicly so another reason I haven't been blogging as much.

From this year of retrospection I realized I'd been actually afraid to write a blog again and be forced to confront why I stopped updating, because this is a place where I come to bare myself in all honesty. But I'd been running so hard I've been scared to ask myself things like... How am I doing? What can I say regarding how my life has been? Am I happy?

This question has been on my mind for weeks now because I told myself I was locking in on writing a year-end blog post. 😆

So I think this is my answer: Many days I did find myself feeling unhappy or having unhappy experiences, or struggling to do everything I needed to do. However there are many beautiful things in my life and countless things I'm happy I did that I can be more grateful about, I've been blessed with (or earned) extraordinary opportunities as well as recognition and love from those around me, the few people who don't deserve my time will no longer be granted it, and if things come crashing down I should be more confident that it can be figured out and moved on from. And ultimately I am mostly happy with the person I currently am — and that alone is a win!

Up next... resolutions and wishes for 2025. ✨

Written February 2nd, 2024.

Written February 2nd, 2024. I decided not to publish it because it's too dark.
Published December 30th, 2024.

A string of some honest, fleeting thoughts I suddenly wanted to jot down before I drift off for the night. In bed feeling rather drowsy with my first time catching COVID. Thankfully it hasn't been so bad, nothing to worry about here. <3

Will I stay awake long enough to finish typing and publishing this...? We shall see. It's really been a long time since I was active on this blog so I wanted to take advantage of the sudden urge to write down these thoughts.

TW // talking about death, ideation, and some sad things

On turning 30

To continue my yearly tradition (ongoing for 16 years!) of taking a mirror selfie wearing this shirt:

The twintails are a statement. 😈

Ya girl turned 30 years old last month!!!! Wao.

I hate it. Two months ago I genuinely considered never letting this number leave my lips or fingertips, barely mentioning my birthday and letting my age become vague this year... But I also hate that I thought of doing that. In the end, this is a page of my book so I'd like to archive it and talk about my aging worries honestly in a world where a lot of people prefer not to (almost including me lol).

I've been determined not to change anything, unless it comes naturally or responsibilities leave no choice. I won't become a different person just to fit the mold of society's expectations for a 30 year old adult woman. In fact, I'm gonna try to lean in harder to become comfortable with all those aspects of Me that may not be a model 30 year old!

But even if I try to stay unshakable, I hate that people's expectations and connotations will change nevertheless... The judgmental things I hear will only get worse. The nagging will only gain more ammo. My excuses for my incompetences will be gone. 😞

It kills me that I'm always expected to be a presentable working professional despite my awkward social and verbal skills; it's embarrassing how little common sense I have in many basic areas and lack of life experience, no interest in cooking, all my cowardice and little confidence in most things I do — it was always my youth I'd shield myself with as an excuse... so now I'll just feel like a deadass loser at times I guess!

I've got childish tastes; I just have to accept that. Thinking that there might one day be a version of myself that outgrows Water Pixie makes me sad... Let me be cringe. Who the fuck actually cares!

And I really don't want to hear: "Aren't you too old to be wearing that?" Fashion is hard. Self expression is hard. It's not fair that we're somewhat expected only in our teens and twenties to wear fun styles, be vibrant, be a little unordinary, unpolished, be cute and expressive... In our teens and twenties, we may not have the financial freedom or confidence to find our style ;; In my self consciousness, I literally purposely dressed plainly in my teens to avoid standing out — so I'm in that period now where I want to take joy in exploring different styles! Dress cutely sometimes, dress cool sometimes, embrace my inner Wednesday Addams sometimes! Only last year did I just start getting interested in pastel colors! I want to become okay with sticking out like a sore thumb sometimes!

All of us should be free to live at our own pace. As a lifelong late-bloomer, there's a lot I haven't experienced yet and that's alright! Never have I had real dreams, nor the optimism for longterm goals and I wish that were okay too. Any timeline for life milestones is fake and I hate all this unnecessary pressure over such an inconsequential construct. Every day is just a block of time in which we experience each day's emotions and celebrate our little accomplishments, try to secure our happiness and survival for the next day, for the next week. I don't know why this suddenly went existential and idk if it's related anymore. 😆

Anyway if you ever look at me and try to tell yourself, "Whoa that's a 30 year old adult woman" — WRONG!!! I'm just an Eva out here doing her best to not implode under a splatter of pressures.

Milestone years! 15 ⇒ 20 ⇒ 25 ⇒ 30

Quick thoughts... (+ bass !?)

 ...because these days I feel like that's all I have the energy for. TT

Lately I feel more than ever like I can only handle things in bite sizes. So many things I want to do or need to finish that feel overwhelming... Things that have been on the backburner that are difficult to bring myself to work on—when will those ever be done? It's going to take so much time. And as they're "bigger" projects I feel more pressure to make them up to...some kind of standard.

I wonder why this is significantly more of a struggle for me now than before.

Perhaps an unhealthy need for instant gratification I've developed? Reduced attention span and ability to focus for long periods required to make a satisfying amount of progress? My creativity running dry fast and in bursts and not wanting to waste that inspiration? Too many interests, thoughts, and ideas I want to move on quickly to?

Always feeling like I have to deliver to a high standard? Not that I really deliver but I definitely feel the burden and paranoia of those expectations... Even for small things, I'm still expending a lot of time overthinking, reviewing, redoing, feeling pressure, feeling guilt... I can't just do things once or halfheartedly and call them done—but it's more handleable in bite size!

Definitely could also be having less time to spend to work on hobbies as well as having multiple interests... There are sometimes periods where I have little free time, but that's not true right now. But even with my time, I think that now more than ever there's more things to spend it on? Dividing my time between a lot of different desires or needs, and especially now with prioritizing exercise for my health.

Actually, it's ironic because I certainly feel frustrated at how many singing projects I'm in that are still stuck in the pipeline unreleased (though to be clear: this post isn't just about singing projects) and part of it probably is wanting to experience that dopamine of finishing things or putting them out for the world to see—releasing small projects has been super fun! The irony is that I myself in my state of overwhelm am taking forever to finish my part on certain big singing projects... One that I'm mixing, one that I'm animating... Giving those up and commissioning someone else I've contemplated yet I don't want to let go ;; Although I may have bitten off more than I can chew, they're both things I greedily want to get better at and should practice! (Both of those projects are still missing other components so I'm not the only bottleneck but it absolutely weighs heavily on me nevertheless...........)

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Oops so much for quick thoughts LOL this turned into a much longer post than expected! Irony.

Recently with me considering if I need to find a hobby that doesn't contribute to my eye strain (which I always have thanks to my job) one idea was learning to play bass guitar which I'd wanted to do back in high school? Absolutely inspired by K-On! and the most iconic anime bassist Akiyama Mio. 👑 Then this idea was enforced from watching Bocchi the Rock! last season and encouragement from Fome and other friends who either also play instruments or just started learning themselves.

So as part of the noodling process I went to look at basses at a store, learned about the different models, held one for the first time, tried out what it would feel like to hold down and pluck the strings.........

of course picked out the one most similar to Mio's hehe

I'm not sure! I think a dealbreaker for me is finding an instrument that I'll want to spend time with—that suits my specific visual preferences and physically feels comfy. But also don't want to spend too much money and I like the idea of owning secondhand (more eco friendly as well!) which would even further limit my choices lol.

And of course, I just don't think I'll be very good at it, being musically and rhythmically more challenged than you'd expect for someone who enjoys singing. Struggling is not fun. 🫠 Who's to say whether I'll end up finding instrument practice to be a cause of stress or a relaxing pastime as intended?

But the part that's relevant to this post is that...I don't know if I can justify starting a whole new hobby when I feel like I still have so much to finish or should do to get closer to my goals. ;; I'm going to keep thinking, well, if I have time to practice the bass then I probably have time to do any of the 8451854 things demanding my attention!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

So stupid but even for posting this inconsequential rambling I was like, "Screw it I'm just going to publish without proofreading!!" but still couldn't resist temptation and went back and rewrote a few things because I used too many em-dashes and it was bothering me. lol perfectionist insanity

Vent

Rambling thoughts

...Rambling thoughts about eating, our relationship with eating as affected by the pandemic, bloating, weight/body type, body image, health, etc. I know that it may be overly personal, potentially insensitive, and not something that people would want to read about—please do not feel obligated to! It's very much #firstworldproblems.

Even most of my close friends have never heard me open up about this topic and I've debated for months whether to write this post..... but for a long time it's been a frequent occupant of my thoughts, so consider this an honest diary of my various experiences in life that I may look back upon in the future. ;v;

(By the way I'm writing this on the plane to Chicago!!

...and now continuing it heading home from Austin LOL busy times; I've worked on this post over a total of 4 flights now!!! ....Make it 5 flights. 🥲 Hopefully finalizing as I land in DC~ This has been in progress for over a month and written almost entirely from 30,000 feet in the air hahaha.) 

XXIX

Continuing into my 15th year !!! doing my personal "birthday" tradition of taking a mirror selfie with this shirt—and also as per tradition, it's late, seeing how my birthday was last month.

Gosh I really do not want to think about the fact that I'm 29 now LOL... It's too close to thirty, I can't do this. Not to propagate the ugly myth that one's life ends after your twenties but there are certain societal expectations that kick in; and I just personally don't check off the boxes in many departments such as life skills, aesthetics, independence, interests... There's so many things I can't do for myself and also don't necessarily care about nor have the energy for. I'm currently not interested in moving forward to any other "stage" in life. In general, my taste particularly leans more childish and less sophisticated, and I'm a late bloomer who only recently started to express things more so I wish to keep exploring that without probable judgment. Still don't feel like I'm even completely out of my shell or have shedded my social awkwardness yet. And I keep making more friends in their early-to-mid twenties and just do not want my age to ever be perceived again... 😣 I genuinely hate that I always feel so embarrassed of who I am (and pity my parents) for a stupid reason like not fitting societal norms even though I'm overall a hardworking, fairly responsible person and doing little harm. I could simply not care.

Funnily enough, I just revisited my post Twenty-eight from last year and not only did I use the exact same vocabulary, but also made a 180 degree swerve in mentality lmao. I'm weak now. It was easier to say all that at 28 than...y'know, that age that I am now. But those words do give me a bit more courage!

How quickly do things turn from "I don't need to check off requirements in order to feel worthy of my stage in life" to "I hate that I loathe myself because others will perceive me as unworthy."

I'm also not ready to watch my family grow old, or for things I've always known as sturdy to erode. I'm not ready to become the strong one, or to be fully confident in myself and everything I represent. I don't desire anything in my situation to change. Aging is terrifying and there's so little of adulthood that I want anything to do with...

Somehow this post went in an extremely grim direction, I'm so sorry LOL.

Like I said last year, right? In the end most of this stuff doesn't signify much. I'm really glad that I wrote that. ;u; Let's just do our best and be whoever we want to be in the precious time that we have.

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New in my style this year!!!

• I've committed to training my bangs to fall downwards so it's front bangs all the time now ✨
  
  
• Bought rings and started wearing 'em! My new favorite low-effort-high-visual-upgrade hack.
  
  
• Now almost exclusively wearing high-waisted pants and skirts 👌 (+ getting more into crop tops!)
  
  
• I won a Fitbit in the staff raffle from volunteering for Fanime :D!! I'd never owned one or a smartwatch before, so this was legitimately lifechanging and motivates me to try to exercise nearly every day. It is now a permanent attachment to this human body.

GI, pt. 1

Hello.... I'm just here to rant for a quick second. 😭

It's that time again where I be cryin' in my car after a doctor's appointment hahaha....... I need to go pick up meds and get home to continue my workday, but I wanna process my feelings first. Not bad news, just frustration!

So leading up to this I've been seeing an ENT about my throat issues since it really escalated last year, was diagnosed with laryngopharyngeal reflux (basically acid reflux affecting your vocal cords) and have been on medication and diet and lifestyle changes for 6 months. Typically with this treatment it should be resolved in about 3 months but even after 6 although it's improved tremendously, I don't think I'm quite "normal" yet?

The ENT referred me to a GI to get my stomach checked for any underlying/more serious causes to my reflux beyond the typical factors like food and certain lifestyle habits—but the nearest appointment I could get had a 3 month wait (at least ENT had the highest recommendation for this doctor) and today was finally, finally, fINALLY !! that day that I was hoping would give me progress and answers.

2021 New Year's Resolutions Review

For those who don't know, starting all the way back in 2009 I've tried to write 100 goals for myself almost every year! It's one of my personal traditions and I'll often reflect on how I did before coming up with another set for the next year.

This was quite a year lmao I'm scared to see how badly I did. (That said, there was every excuse for doing badly, I'm forgiven, I don't care!!!)

The reason I'm bent on reviewing 2021 though is because I don't plan to do 2022 resolutions for now. ;v; It would just be, like, 70% health-related resolutions which is boring as heck.

There's too much uncertainty about whether/when my throat will recover and the other health things preventing me from working on projects or my skills much—I've been set back so much that I don't want to think too hard about distant goals. This year I really just need to take care of myself by staying disciplined and extremely careful about my lifestyle, appreciate the small things in life, and keep my pessimism in check believe that everything will get better soon!

- - -

— Highlights of my 2021:

[link to MV if embed breaks]

• After an extremely long editing and color grading process, I finished the Ph03n1x 4sh music video that I had the huge opportunity of directing back in 2020—and it premiered at Virtual Anime Expo!!! The biggest accomplishment of my life. 😭
  
  
• Vaccination! I'm very fortunate that most of my loved ones and I have steered clear of COVID. Just one friend that I see sometimes caught it right before New Years ;;
  
  
• Neither a high nor low but...... I... went to my high school 10 year reunion, omg.........
  
  
• Spent a good amount of time with friends to make up for 2020's lost time ❤️
  
  
• Before cases surged again (cries), I got to travel a bit again! Went to LA and Seattle and made lovely memories!
  
  

— Lows of my 2021:

• In the spring, workload was insanely overwhelming and I lost control of work-life balance and dealt with the worst burnout I've ever experienced.. Like, bursting into tears trying to write an email asking for time off because I felt so deeply uncomfortable and guilty about it sort of bad. What has this bloody pandemic done to our psyche?? Anyway I can't relate anymore; my work-life balance is great now! 💁🏻‍♀️
  
  
• Health sux I can't sing I see many doctor I sometimes feel not great blah blah blah blah

throat ramblings and maybe yet another existential crisis

So I've had a long history of throat troubles.

Temporarily-recovered-then-back-with-a-vengeance acid reflux.

Bad vocal technique. Sometimes on purpose because I don't like the way my voice naturally sounds.

Doctors that didn't offer meaningful solutions...

Regrettably, a lot of pushing it too far where I'd continue forcing my voice out when it's already worn, motivated by deadlines and limited recording time. ;; I'm too self-conscious to record when anyone can hear so I used to take any opportunity if my parents were out or at work—and nowadays only while they're sleeping which is rough and also means I'm bringing all the existing fatigue from that day to the recording session orz

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And this year, my throat hit an all-time low ;;; The worst it's ever been without being sick... At one point I could hardly speak two sentences without needing a sip of water which really, really sucked for everyday life. For singing I could barely let out a note that didn't sound 80% like physical pain (not my favorite timbre of voice to listen to in a cover unfortunately 😔).

In the summer, I first tried taking vocal rest and went back on reflux meds... which did nothing this time because I'm a FOOL and no one/none of the instructions told me that you can't lie down for 90 minutes after the medicine, which is taken in the morning and 30 mins before eating; so I thought I was being so clever crawling back into bed to look at my phone, but no!!! I probably made everything worse!!! aaa

Anyway at some point I went to get my tinnitus checked out and oops—found out I was both anemic and have extremely swollen sinuses which explains why I often have difficulty breathing—would you figure that! 🤔 Apparently in this year of 2021, my body which previously was blessed with no allergies other than to cats.....has suddenly decided to become allergic to the world. Thanks, body, thanks, late 20's.

After things got even worse, I went to an ENT who confirmed that I don't have nodes, yay!! But there is indeed hella inflammation from laryngopharyngeal reflux and allergies so now I'm on new meds for both. Also started using a steamer, doubled down on reflux diet, and bought a mattress wedge so I sleep at an incline! 🤞

The ENT told me that I haven't suffered permanent throat damage and that I'll be able to sing again, which at the time was such a relief to hear... But now that it's been a few weeks...and while my reflux symptoms have calmed and I can speak without intermittent sips of water...it's definitely gotten better.........yet my throat still feels scratchy all the time; my voice still hoarse and I can barely sing; it's still worse than it ever was before this year. I'm absolutely the type of pessimistic person to always assume the worst—I just can't shake the possibility (and at least now I can say possibility when a month ago I thought it a certainty) that there could be permanent damage after all. The doctor can tell me that I'll get better, but I'm finding it maybe hard to believe, I don't know. ;o;

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Back in the summer before it even hit the lowest point, when I took my first vocal hiatus, I remember...hearing a certain song and thinking about how I wanted to improve my vocal range and basics and build up better vocal technique. "As soon as my voice recovers I should work hard to become a much stronger singer that won't let other people or myself down!!"

Then seeped in the darker side of my mind: "Are you sure you want to look forward to becoming a better singer, because... what if you never recover?" So I've been trying not to give myself false hope.

That's really sad for a person whose life has practically revolved around singing and rapping and covers and music collaborations for 15 years. It's been my cherished hobby since I was a kid... and now all my friends are singers (all much, much better than me so I'll take all the improvement I can get lol).

I used to be a lot more depressed and I remember many days years ago when my throat was in bad condition and my heavy thoughts were driven by "What if I lose my ability to sing? What would I do if I lost this one thing that I actually can say that I love, when I don't love much else? This precious thing I used to do to lift my spirits is now becoming a stressor. What if I stop enjoying it? What if I have to give up this part of me that's been my life all this time? There will be nothing left." It felt a lot like heartbreak.

Now I'm more jaded, have come to more of an acceptance of such things, (and maybe I have more things that I love now?) but earlier this year I felt a renewal of such depressing fears when I had both throat and eye issues at the same time—what the hell would I do if I lost both my voice and eyesight??? Literally what could I do with my life? 😭 Because of all these issues I've been taking a long break from youtube hobbies, since I can't sing/rap nor stare at a computer long enough to work on mixing, animating, or video editing for fun. Eyes are reserved for my full-time job so that I can eat good food. But I'm on medications for all these things and making a recovery slowly!

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So that's what goes on in my mind, I'm sorry for the depressing post ... This wasn't meant to be a New Years-related blog, but now that we're here I want to hope that this next year will bring much improved health all around. To anyone who may read this, first of all thank you for sticking around and please take care of your health too! Remember not to push yourself too much; be kind to yourself and know that we all have limits for a reason. Be safe and have a blessed New Years!! ❤️

The Reunion

I began writing this on August 22nd, the day after the described events, and very slowly continued it from October 5th!

When I found this draft, I so regretted that I didn't finish the post right away because I'm sure that what I'm able to convey now months later is drastically distanced from the feelings I had at that time. Sad to say I actually didn't even remember writing most of that draft—it took a while to jog my memory and put myself back in those shoes...... I wonder what else I would have written then.. 😭


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August 22nd, 2021:

Hi! It feels like it's been a long time since I wrote a truly personal post like this... To be frank, I don't look forward to writing it 😅 but what just passed is such a huge milestone and frequent occupant of my thoughts for the past two months—I think future me will thank myself for leaving this entry in the diary.

I........
I went to my high school 10 year reunion!!! Wild, I know!!

(fun fact: i got clip-on bangs—ye that's not my real hair—just for this bc of a bad haircut lol)

How was I comfortable going to an event during a pandemic, you ask? The venue is huge and not many RSVP'ed. Vaccination is almost universally supported locally and there is a mask mandate for public indoor places, of which the organizer sent a reminder beforehand—you're supposed to wear a mask except when eating or drinking. I went trusting that people were responsible and now I wonder if I'm too naive...? It began with everyone masked 'til eventually just me. Disappointing and scary. ><

(Edit: Though I tried to be safe, out of paranoia I also took a COVID test a couple days afterwards... and I was pretty mad about it so those peeps are damn lucky I tested negative. 😤)

Twenty-eight

Posting a little late because I've been busy but I'm here with my yearly birthday post!! I turned 28 on May 2nd ^^ It certainly feels strange to have hit this age where you can now say I'm nearing 30 years old, but I think I've been mentally preparing myself for it and also able to embrace that............it doesn't mean anything. LOL

I've been "an adult" for long enough now that I'm okay with the responsibilities that come with that status—but also now I know that there are a lot of "requirements" that I don't need to check off in order to feel worthy of my stage in life. I'm always growing but I'm still perfectly incompetent at a lot of life skills and still have little interest in things larger than me! In the end it doesn't signify much. We're just all here on this planet to do what we can, and I just want to take care of myself and others.

Something that was significant to me about being 27 over the past year was that it was when I finally felt somewhat comfortable/more confident with presenting myself in varying styles, the biggest challenge being cute ones—and I'm really proud about this! It was liberating to be able to tell myself, "No you're not too old or too awkward to wear twintails; that's a dumb prejudice you've been having all this time. As long as you like wearing them then you're allowed to wear them until whatever age you want without judgment! It's okay to want to dress in a cute style! It's okay for people to perceive you as different things at different times!" ⭐️

This is something I've been wanting to break through since I was a teenager—when I already liked cute and feminine things but didn't feel that it was right for me to be that, because I was so tall and awkward and such a wallflower. And my parents would even often relate femininity with weakness; they'd tell me that I should dress more boyishly or plainly, act 'tough,' but don't stand out, so that nobody would want to target me when walking home from school by myself.. Sure, it's kind of a legitimate safety concern (freaking sad) but.... man it took more than a decade til I started being able to unlearn it.

Oh and one other thing that was special about 27!! Last summer I read Persuasion (1817) by my favorite author Jane Austen and the protagonist Anne is also 27 years old!! It was sooo refreshing to have a female young adult character on the older end—past the age that is typically romanticized for youth but before the mature beauty of the 30's. I loved how Anne is incredibly sweet and competent and takes wonderful care of others—it's why people can trust her but also end up taking advantage of her—and the story is about how she sheds her wallflower-ness to bloom again at the age of 27. And a second chance between her and her almost-fiancé-turned-stranger from years before! It's really a lovely story.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to finding out what will be special about 28. :3

I'M REALLY REALLY PROUD I ACTUALLY TOOK MY YEARLY "Birthday Girl" SHIRT PHOTO EARLY THIS TIME...??? Compared to past years when I didn't get it done til July.... November... A few days ago I did my hair, makeup, and nails to shoot a lipsync video for a collab so I took the chance to do this too!

It was my first time ever doing this little curl thing on my hair like this and I'm a fan of it. ✨ With a lot more practice, this may end up becoming my signature this year hahaha. I also ordered some midi/maxi skirts that are on the way, since I've been wanting to try wearing long skirts more; my fingers are crossed for them to be pretty and comfy!

Aa,,, this is the 14th year in a row that I've taken this mirror photo and... this is also the first time I felt brave enough to compile all of them into a collage. 💀 Or well, I had enough courage to do it and I'm happy that I've grown but still dying of embarrassment LOLOLOL byeeee--

Baby Birbs

Hi!! I haven't updated much at all recently so I don't expect there to be visitors, but if anyone has made it out here and is reading this then I wanna say 🙇🏻‍♀️ I'm thankful for you that you've gone out of your way to check up on the trivialities of my life and your care really means a lot to me. Hope you're staying safe and healthy and that all is well—please take care TAT)/ 

[ trigger warning in this post // death ]

I want to talk a bit about my household's um... journey with raising pet birds for the first time recently. I hope not to dwell on it too much because it's already been something that's drained me this entire month but I want to leave a few words here about it. ;v;

Rosy

A few weeks ago I saw a post that gave advice along these lines: that one should stop multitasking—and focus on making each task more meaningful. I haven't actually actively done anything with these words yet lolol but thought it was interesting to hear the opposite perspective of what I've typically done in the past whenever I'm stressed, which is to increase multitasking so that I won't have to feel at the end of the day like I've been too busy to do anything for myself. I think it is true it must have contributed to some anxiety and restlessness though, when I sometimes feel like doing just one thing "isn't enough." Been doing better though. Still kinda busy but not overwhelmed and that constant anxiety I kept referencing over the past couple months went away! Maybe hearing that advice did have a subconscious impact lololol.

- - -

Tonight, I'm devastated by the sudden news of the death of Chadw*ck B*seman. (Please excuse the disrespectful censors ;; I'm just hoping not to accidentally clog up any internet searches with my site.)

I don't want to do the thing of belittling him to a fictional character, but he really was a King in real life—with all of his advocacy; his thoughtfulness; his big, giving heart; the beliefs that he strongly stood for; the change and confidence that he helped champion for the young Black people, for the future of film, and for the world. I love all of his speeches ;; He is such a role model through and through.

For me personally... I associate him with really flowery memories. The two years that I spent hyper-obsessed with the MCU is a time that I often think back on with the warmest fondness and blurry envy. It was so much fun diving into all of the breakdown and analysis content—it felt like there was something always waiting for me that I could enjoy and I found it intriguing the way everything was connected. No franchise has engaged me as deeply since! Rewatching the movies was joyful (and heartbreaking in the best way)—especially Infinity War which I considered one of my favorite films ever. The anticipation and all of the theories leading up to Endgame was unbelievably fun. Watching behind-the-scenes, interviews, and promotions, I also fell in love with how funny and thoughtful the cast was. ;u; And of course, all of the excitement and love around the Black Panther release was unforgettably hype—what a great time that was for the world!!

And so, I'm happy that Chadw*ck (again please excuse the censor) was a part of this time in my life that I consider so rosy and blooming. I feel humbled and thankful that I was able to admire such a great person on- and off-screen, and to have experienced his impact. He left a lot of things worthy of celebration.

Also another thought while the importance of media representation is being widely discussed tonight... It hasn't been lost on me that although I work in small media, I still kindaaa work in media nonetheless. I still have the ability to impact a few people's lives with my work. And especially with the science fair vids that I edit—they are being watched by young students who get inspired by them to apply to these competitions someday or pursue their own projects that work towards making the world a better place. And I know that I have the responsibility to give minority kids as much representation as I can, not to fabricate anything but show them the excellence that already exists.—Nothing has changed but I certainly feel my drive for this renewed. 💪 Earlier tonight I just wrapped up a new video that I'm looking forward to the client posting because it includes two Black girl scientists who are absolute superstars and I have high hopes that they'll inspire a lot of kids 💫

Mermaid + quarantine diary page 4

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:D :D :D This week I uploaded a surprise yolo solo cover!

The past month has honestly been a pretty rough time, both physically and mentally. My chest pain/rib discomfort went on for three weeks and completely disrupted my life and debilitated my body... It worried me whether that plus my prolonged sore throat could possibly be COVID related—I even took a test and at one point was really frustrated at the ridiculously delayed (3+ weeks) results. It's truly a shame considering all the praise I had for how easy the drive-in was and how the entire process was contactless and quick. Was surprised that they trusted me to do my own stabbing of nostrils! But no, this country is fucked if this is how our testing is going and it's fortunate that I had nothing lifethreatening. 😔
(Side note: I now believe the sore throat was likely a return of acid reflux due to switching to sleeping on one pillow months ago after years of using two; the turning point happened when I reverted back to two! Who coulda thunk!! A pillow!)

Within that time, at work we were supporting a huge virtual event that led to me putting in 10+ hour days for over a week with only 1 day off, and at certain times I was under a lot of stress. On the final day, I worked 14 hours. ☠️ This compounded with the stress of falling behind on projects and owing lines that I couldn't record due to other project priorities and then my health issues.. And whenever I could record I felt like I did nothing but struggle and fail to deliver—I just.. felt so down on myself about literally everything I did. All of my work made me cringe and I felt embarrassed to be me. orz

My mental health hit a pretty bad point when it was like... y'know I was in pain, still didn't have any answers, this country sucks, was exhausted from working, constantly felt anxious, couldn't sleep enough, my free time was all spent on deepening my insecurities and pervasive negative thoughts, some other personal issues, and it felt like I wasn't allowed to enjoy anything.

When I was finally free from the crazy work schedule and I had my lines in for my most urgent project, I felt.....so....liberated!!! To finally not be stressed or in pain, I felt like a whole new different person. That day I watched the finale of Good Girl—a show featuring a bunch of powerful Korean female singers and rappers which I quite enjoyed—and felt inspired all over again by Jang Yeeun's performance of "Mermaid" and how she's always played this role as a fierce rapper, and finally got to break out of that "bubble" to show that she could be a singer too and confidently challenged different genres. Her growth was so touching! I loved the song already but this time...I felt........maybe I could try to sing it?? My sore throat had at last recovered, the timely pressures were no longer so pressing, I realized the song wasn't too high, and this sparkling burst of inspiration was much too precious to pass up. 💖

Immediately pulled my mic out and to my pleasant surprise it only took 1.5 hours to finish recording (albeit TV size) compared to my typical struggling for days or weeks...?! In hindsight there are reasonable explanations for this—the lack of belting or uncomfortably held out notes, not recording harmonies, the verse requiring more emotion than singing skill, the chorus requiring neither lol... But in any case, it was SO REFRESHING ! ! And then I did half of the mix that night! And was actually happy with my work?!?!

I also want to note too that I typically only record while my parents are asleep but because I was in such motivated spirits and wasn't struggling with the song, I pushed through and recorded while they were around AND through a neighbor's visit which I thought was really brave ;v;;

There are still more projects that I'm behind on, but I'm so. glad. that I treated myself by taking out a few days to dedicate to this. This was the self care I needed; it was the best thing I could've done for my soul. ✨ All things considered, it was incredibly satisfying to have a spontaneous desire to sing something... and then actually sing it. Stress free, without needing to try too hard, no restrictions, and for once I felt like I suited the song! Honestly have been feeling down about my mixing as well so it was validating that I actually felt proud of something I did so quickly and I had fun playing with all the reverb and delay. The video was such a blessing to do!! First time filming myself with a projector (an artifact from my mom's past job) and now I'm tempted to go this route with all future videos because HELLO THERE instant, moderately low effort, but extremely good aesthetics!!! Very exciting. 

Also got to show off some cute The Little Mermaid paraphernalia which were gifts from chiisana 💗 Small side story, but I actually remember it was either the morning before I watched the Good Girl finale or the day prior, when I used that hairbrush and for some reason left it on my bed instead of putting it away... Later I noticed it and was like, "Huh it'd be cute if I could make a video with that kind of aesthetic sometime! Not that I have any ideas or will probably be making anything soon." IT WAS A PREMONITION... or maybe it was the cause? Idk.

Filmed on my bed!

Test model~ it wasn't very visible during the day so glad I waited til sundown

And finally, I quite enjoy doing basic things in After Effects so I had fun making the text effects—but especially being able to include rainbowesque bubbles felt like a mini dream come true. ^^ Thanks to Irozuku Sekai no Ashita Kara, I'm forever whipped for the colorful, glowing, bubbly bokeh look and you can count on seeing that again in hopefully improved forms! 🌈

This gratifying little project really reminded me what it is that I love to do best and why I continue to create things with all my heart.

【Cover】 Jang Yeeun - 목소리 (Mermaid) 【Eva】

Shoutout to Sonny for being the one to introduce me to this amazing song and the inspiring multitalent that is CLC's Jang Yeeun 💕

quarantine diary page 3

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?!?! THE LAST TIME I WROTE ONE OF THESE WAS APRIL?! EXCUSE ME, WHAAAAT?? And it's already mid July?!! Why is time suddenly going at superspeed?! Highly alarming; I literally need a moment to just pause and absorb this information. Wow.

Mermaid

Jang Yeeun (장예은) "Mermaid (목소리) (ft. Rohann)"

Sonny linked this song to me the other day and I've been listening to it a lot; I really like it. 😭 The "mermaid" theme and the way the instrumental so ethereally brings that to life, the fact that Yeeun is actually a rapper in her group (CLC) but can sing this well, the lyrics, it's all somewhat comforting.

For some reason my mental health took a huge dive in the past two days, although I'm doing better today! It felt rather sudden, but I guess the "build-up" was how I've been more on edge with anxiety lately and feeling burnt out after spending the holiday weekend hardcore working on projects and likely some hormonal changes. It's good timing that jobwork slowed down a bit for me this week so I've thankfully been able to take a breather and take a look at my values again. For a while I was questioning all over again what makes me happy, what makes me feel fulfilled. There were so many things that I suddenly forgot.

I enjoy making content and I feel gratified when people feel touched or inspired by the things I pour my heart into (although I don't want to be dependent on feedback—when it happens it's a nice bonus). I don't want to measure my value by my productivity or how many things I put out or how quickly they get done. I think I need to accept that I'm the kind of person who needs a lot of time to work on anything healthily and that if I'm upset at my level of skill, I can/should take the time to improve my skills. And to not be disappointed at myself for being slow, for not being as good at something as I'd like, or for not matching up to other people.

And to not be disappointed in myself for already doing my best. It's hard on days when that voice of anxiety keeps barking at you to do more, to do better, and it's just never satisfied, it's never enough, the entire day is wasted, nothing is enjoyable or meaningful. But yeah, the break from work is just what I needed to ease into trying to relax a bit and to try to convince myself that living a day without "accomplishment" is still living. I've been listening to meditation before sleeping and also occasionally taking breaks to rest my eyes while listening to a Jane Austen audiobook. Last week I said that I was saving the ACNH Summer update and Pokemon Café Mix for when I finished my two current high priority projects—and to be frank I stopped looking forward to it for some reason—but I'm going to try to log off now and play a bit. Hopefully it's fun ;v;

Also this country is still on fire. I'm still upset about that. What the hell.

💖💖💖 Hoping to get back into casual blogging habits, even if I have nothing significant to say!! I spent waaay too much time last month writing my decade letter to myself, rereading a ton of old posts to get a more accurate sense of my growth, proofreading, rewriting til it felt right, trimming down when it got too long, checking it over and over to make sure the formatting was okay and I was comfortable with publicly posting all of that....... I'm a little burnt out from all the serious bzns blogging looool so I'm going to take my time with reviewing my resolutions and coming up with my 100 for this year!

I keep lying.... I don't even remember how long it's been since I started asserting, "My next solo cover venture will definitely be K/DA!!!" but yeah.. The last time I cut the queue was because of Fruits Basket which was reminiscent of the first cover I ever posted on youtube; and this time it's because Frozen is the one movie that I seem to resonate the most with and I'm also loving Frozen 2 and all the themes of isolation and embracing one's true self and letting down your fortress walls hit hard 😭 I was hoping that Frozen 2 wouldn't have any songs that I'd want to sing, but honestly I knew it from the moment I heard Elsa's new climactic song Show Yourself....

It's been a long time since I've done a multi-language cover so I wanted to try bringing that back!! I started recording it last week—after I came home one day at midnight because I was so embarrassed by my shaky performance at karaoke with friends that night, I wanted to record a revenge cover lololol. I keep fluctuating between being proud of my singing in this to wishing I were a stronger singer, idk... I miss when I used to be able to quickly record and finish covers!! Nowadays it takes way too long and I keep being dissatisfied with my takes! Also really painfully aware of how bad my pronunciation is in, like, every language aaaa. I either haven't had the time or haven't felt like singing for the past few days so I just keep feeling like, damn, I'm never gonna finish this cover.. Was hoping it'd be a quick one because I have a lot of other things to focus on this month. 😭

Like the music video! Been spending the past few [long] nights working on the storyboard and I'm pretty proud of it! Glad to have made progress there at least ;v;

Corgi-kun pt. 2 💞

Helloooo! It's 2 AM on a work-night but I really needed to write this post. For the past three weeks, a delightful doggo whom I call Corgi-kun has been staying at my family's house and today he returned to his owners................. and somehow I cried for hours and hours and hours? I'm definitely more attached than I'd intended to be, but I didn't expect to be nearly that affected. I don't know what's come over me but my heart was broken, my soul feels restless, and I think this post will help soothe a lot of it. Generally I'm doing well though! 💓

Thankfully I'll still see him around!! He belongs to my mom's neighborhood friend—and my mom actually goes over to help walk him every afternoon—so on the days when I'm home (which is honestly....not super often) I'll likely see him! So missing him is not necessarily why I was so broken today @@...

I briefly touched on it in my last post but he brought along a disruptive lifestyle change that was strange for sure at first but not entirely unwelcome? My parents and I all live fairly isolated lives—really this whole experience just emphasized to me how isolated I've always been. When I'm home, I'm not used to interacting with anyone, or spending time with anyone, or emotionally connecting with anyone, or accommodating anyone in the things that I do. ;; I realized a couple years ago that the unconditional love, companionship, and responsibility of a pet probably would've helped me a lot as I was growing up..

So I made it a point to try to not get used to this new lifestyle, not let me or Corgi-kun become too attached to each other—and I was able to maintain some distance for the first maybe 5 days and then it all started wildly unraveling..... Parents initially didn't want him in my room, but I started letting him in. It started becoming a bit of a routine that I would come home from work [recently very late orz], be happily greeted at the door, feel increasingly more guilty for being gone all day so I'd give him a good petting session, he'd follow me to my room and try to steal my attention, oftentimes I'd give in to those puppy dog eyes, and then he'd fall asleep on his side in my room in the little remaining time I had to do my own things. 🥺 I started buying him toys and he'd always beg to play... It was comforting that he'd always look for me and that I had the power to bring joy to another creature. 💗 I'd sing to him and eventually started saying stupid shit like, "Don't go home! I lub you!!! Be my dog!!"

I'm a fool...... When I came home today, no one greeted me or had been looking forward to my presence. The house had gone back to its empty, quiet, dark state that it had always been in. He really brought a lot of openness, affection, comfort, and smiles to my and my parents' lives that I haven't seen before. It was nice to have something to bond with my parents over; we all became super fucking enamored with this dog. It was cute to see how my parents would light up around him ;u; even if it meant they smile and talk 100x more with him than they do with me--- dsjkajsdsd I hope we can continue fostering a bit of this open, positive energy rather than shrinking back into our shells.

Also worried about how Corgi-kun is doing.. My mom and I both agree that we gave him quite the carefree, happy life here compared to how his owners treat him unfortunately. ;;; They're unreasonably strict and mean and manipulative to him... They don't really pet him much or actively play with him—and I know he gets social withdrawal since he tends to be clingier and sometimes even grumpy on the days after my friends come play with him. I hope he's doing okay and not too sad T___T Poor baby deserves better. It's nice that I worked from home this week/had Christmas off so I was able to spend a lot of time with him in the end, yet I feel bad that he probably became overly used to the attention and affection too...

On the bright side, it'll be nice to get a bit of personal time and independence back! Recording was something I had to largely forego while he was here. ^^;; And honestly I had a bit of a hard time coping with the whole "your pet may be a small part of your life but you are their entire life" thing—luckily I was only 1/3rd of his life, but still. Poor baby must have thought that his owners had abandoned him, so I felt terrible to be gone for most of the day and I always felt pressured to act cheerful and as attentive as possible for him even when I was exhausted. Conflicted feelings... It was a fun time.

I kept meaning to update my previous post but never did, so here's another giant spillage of corgi photos and videos. :'D