Rambling thoughts

...Rambling thoughts about eating, our relationship with eating as affected by the pandemic, bloating, weight/body type, body image, health, etc. I know that it may be overly personal, potentially insensitive, and not something that people would want to read about—please do not feel obligated to! It's very much #firstworldproblems.

Even most of my close friends have never heard me open up about this topic and I've debated for months whether to write this post..... but for a long time it's been a frequent occupant of my thoughts, so consider this an honest diary of my various experiences in life that I may look back upon in the future. ;v;

(By the way I'm writing this on the plane to Chicago!!

...and now continuing it heading home from Austin LOL busy times; I've worked on this post over a total of 4 flights now!!! ....Make it 5 flights. 🥲 Hopefully finalizing as I land in DC~ This has been in progress for over a month and written almost entirely from 30,000 feet in the air hahaha.) 

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So I guess let's start with eating.

The pandemic has done nasty things to many people's relationship with eating... Eating had become our copium in the times of doom and gloom and isolation. As we watched our society crumble, many days it felt like there was no certainty of anything in our lives other than the little joys sparked from eating tasty food. It was the "fun activity" we could do when we weren't allowed to do fun activities. It was a comfort—one of the few we had access to. And stress eating is so normalized now that no one blinks an eye at people doing it all the time.

Starting from the early pandemic days, I remember basically the only times I left the house were to the grocery store, namely to stock up on ice cream... Then as things reopened, the copium that got me through long and tedious days of working from home were socially distanced outings to get boba with a friend. ;u; And in times of stress we'd often deliver, or have delivered, treats to each other's houses!

(Side note: The person I saw the most, chiisa, moved away earlier this year so that probably increased my need for copium hahaha miss her~)

From there I really grasped onto boba for a while—it started psychologically equating to guaranteed instant happiness... An easy reward for surviving through dark times, and doses of motivation in edible form?

I think it may be something of a dopamine addiction, that my brain has rewired itself to believe that I need something sugary/delicious in order for my day to have meaning, or to have strength to conquer tedious or dreadful things, or to counteract any feelings of emptiness. Lots of my WFH friends are going through something similar where they're heavily relying on treats via food delivery services to get through their days. During the workweek, what other dangling carrots can I look forward to...?

And for me there's another layer of psychology to it where acid reflux means no eating after 9 PM, which of course activates desire for the prohibited and then late night hunger is so upsetting lmao. That's when I tell myself to be strong with the promise of eating well the next day and it's a cycle of dissatisfaction.

To this very moment I constantly have these insatiable cravings for sweets... Fome has even mentioned how I didn't used to have such strong food cravings like this, but now there's only food on my brain. Frankly I wonder if my body has developed a sugar dependency because during the short period I tried my best to keep off sugar I felt soooo grumpy and self destructive—like having withdrawal.

In general I keep thinking, "I know it's bad for me but I don't want to stop eating! Eating is so fun! It triggers the happy chemicals!!" I have very little self control now lol.

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At the same time... I don't like talking about my weight or mentioning weight much in general, but it's something on my mind a lot these days.

It's weird to say after all this talk about food addiction but I'm actually fairly underweight for my tall height and can't even qualify for life insurance because of it. orz;; It's a little concerning having dropped to around the weight I fell to after my lung hospitalization arc... I genuinely get freaked out looking at my arms, especially hands and fingers, because they appear way too skeletal and frail. It's alarming seeing rings become looser and slipping off my fingers. Lowkey I have to wonder if there's some underlying health reason for this.

There's also the typical Asian relative criticisms—if it's not about gaining weight then it's "You're too thin and you'd be better-looking if you gained weight! You look like sticks about to snap! You'd be prettier if you weren't so bony!"

SCREAMS...............

I hate hate hate that it constantly feels like our bodies are being evaluated by others; truly there's no winning.

Even with Skinny Privilege—definitely I must acknowledge that I've lived my life without anything close to the worst of societal weight-related prejudices and have had it easy in comparison....—even still I can't escape from hearing that harmful judgment and having it ingrained in me to worry about body image and appearances.

But the part that's been highly frustrating me is how unfortunate the distribution of bloat/fat in my body is, because while I can't gain anything on my limbs.....it just all goes straight to my pooch belly............ And this year it's been exponentially more of a struggle to manage than ever. 😔 Likely a combination of all of these theories I've collected:

• Metabolism changing as I'm in my late twenties
• My weak digestive system orz
• Being less physically active through pandemic
• Stress from the pandemic, work, and world issues (cortisol causes the body to store more fat)
• Bad posture = weakening core muscles
• Too much sugar messing with my leptin resistance (brain has trouble sensing when I'm full and should stop eating)
• Hormone imbalance...? Haven't been diagnosed, but that could explain some other health and mental health things as well...

And of course, one of the key points for improving hormone imbalance and leptin resistance is cutting down on processed sugars. It's the reason I tried to do that while dieting before AX and had withdrawal 🤡 and my brain is constantly thinking about sweets and also !! everyday working-from-home solitary life is so stale !!!! without some treats as motivation !!! a lil tastebud dopamine !!

Admittedly I've been having a harder time feeling happy in my body due to this stubborn pooch combined with my skeletal frame... I get so self-conscious and feel disappointed either in my own "self-sabotage" or my efforts not being rewarded with results. That said, I truly hope no one mistakes any of this post for fat-shaming because I definitely think bodies of all sizes, shapes, thickness, and BMIs deserve to be seen as beautiful and respectable!! My personal ideals/goals for physical appearance have only to do with balance—and I'm unhappy with mine. ;; Just constantly self-conscious that people will look at my stick figure with uncharacteristically protruding stomach and judge my body and think about how imbalanced my proportions look...... Do people even know that skinny women without flat stomachs exist? 😭

It's sadly hard to get such gross thoughts out of my mind. Ever since my growth spurt in middle school I've always received comments of, "You're so tall you should be a model!!" and it's created this pressure that's stuck with me. Makes me feel like something that others have always valued about my appearance I've failed to upkeep—a fucked up way of thinking that I'd never wish upon anyone else; this is how people and especially idols end up with severe eating disorders.... I can't imagine being in their shoes having their jobs involve being looked at and shallowly evaluated by literally everyone commenting if their weight changes even slightly. Some days I catch myself thinking maybe I should see what happens if I starve myself but luckily I can't function when hungry and rely on eating to generate happy chemicals so no disorder for me yet!!! I think.

In conclusion... it's been a weird battling thing of feeling guilty when I eat because of my tummy (also acid reflux and cholesterol sighhh) AND feeling bad when I diet because underweight and have an emotional dependency on eating?

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But here are things I've been doing to try to improve my health and body!!

Movement!

• Exercising more often. Doing workouts at home and I try to jog at times! Even small things like doing squats while teeth brushing.
• Walking and being outside a lot more. Going to parks and once I treated myself to ice cream but had to "earn" it by parking a mile away and making the walk HAHA
• (!!) Taking a walk after every meal if possible! I've been enjoying taking post-dinner strolls around the neighborhood while listening to an audiobook. If not I'll pace around the house a few times, or at the very least not sit.
• Stretching more - might both help with digestion and reducing stress/tension

Eating!

• Trying to be more aware of overeating, less eating "for fun" when I know I'm full, not always accepting when offered food, being okay with wasting food
• I started limiting how much processed sugars I can have... Endeavoring to go some days without any at all 💪
• Eating more veggies and fiber
• Just started taking probiotic supplements, hoping it helps with digestion! And getting green smoothies as a treat

Other habits!

• Being more aware of my posture
• Swapped my chair for a kneeling chair, though I tend to mostly stand
• At the beginning of 2022 I started a private health diary in order to track my reflux and throat recovery progress—but it's been super useful in general in helping me figure out what's going on and next steps! I record everything I eat, various symptoms, exercise, lengths of my jogs, mental health, menstrual health, sleep, if I missed any medicine or supplements, etc.
• Sleep schedule has gotten better!

Fairly certain that my energy levels have improved and I find that my mental health has less low points so that's a win. 😊

As for my tummy, we shall see if my theories and new solutions will make some progress. ;o; It's a lot harder to stay disciplined when I'm traveling—and there's been a lot of that... and indulgences during the stressful times... But gonna try my best to stay diligent and become an overall healthier person!! 

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Thanks for reading my long silly post if you did. 💗

Still debates until the bitter end whether or not to publish this with all of my vulnerabilities and obnoxious insecurities despite being rather privileged and just way more information than anyone needs to know and whining. . . . . But I suppose maybe I could just take it down someday if it becomes uncomfortable ahah. Here goes nothing~