I'm feeling better now, but both my mental and physical health took a huge dip last month. 😞 It was really disappointing considering I'd been doing fairly well before then; I was surprised by how much I could suddenly regress and it made everything feel all the worse...
Hasn't been confirmed but I'm convinced that different cases of medications were involved in causing both issues and have been diligently taking steps to combat them! My mental is thankfully feeling normal now <3 and physically I'm still always somewhat tired but not as lifeless as before and much more tolerable.
There was one particular day I just felt so........especially empty. I absolutely didn't want to do anything and felt I was too lethargic for anything to be worth trying to do, though it's not like I didn't have things that could be done.
I started contemplating my own version of the chicken or the egg — whether it's when I'm in good spirits that I'm able to let go and find joy in whatever it is that I engage in (or alternatively not be disappointed if time goes by "meaninglessly"), or if it's when I have things I feel somewhat passionate about doing that puts me in better spirits.
My self esteem had been worsening through this period and that voice in my head that says terribly mean things about me was unfortunately winning, I'm not proud to say... Things kept happening that made that voice more and more and more convincing. ;; In hindsight, it's ridiculous that I'd succumb to such horrible thoughts but that's how vulnerable you are when your mental guard is down I suppose. I hope that the true Me in a healthy state would never listen to such things.
On that day, I was reminded of the song "Good Parts" by LE SSERAFIM and how in the past, I used to often sing as my emotional outlet — and express my feelings in songs or writing lyrics. This was something I completely stopped doing after my throat/vocal issues got bad, but I thought... maybe I can try to revive that? 😭 Something that used to feel fulfilling but I was forced to let go of, something that I might enjoy doing on a joyless day, and a productive use of my negative emotions. Very glad I pulled through! Looking back, I'm so happy I kicked myself off the ground and did a spontaneous cover again. ;u;
felt like singing a bit of le sserafim's "good parts" 🎶 pic.twitter.com/l9akMfkomo
— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) April 25, 2023
