Time is scary. Through time, memories feel distorted. But is it distortion or rather, clarification? Bitter memories brought rational yet somewhat cynical, but ultimately realistic conclusions. Good times were either forgotten or overshadowed by the bad and a desire to protect oneself. The mind was settled, and the heart free to linger or take flight as it wished. Nothing outwardly has changed. Yet through time, solid conclusions and rationalizations melted. Is it forgiveness? A realization that the sour wasn't actually so bad at all? Or distortion by the return of a yearning for sweeter days that's overriding logic and memories of bitterness? I've made peace with myself in deciding that matters of the mind are to be uncorrelated with matters of the heart. But now the mind is so confused that even the heart feels uneasy.

?

eo~? what's this?

I wonder what we're doing? ㅋㅋㅋ

dat xmas spirit

[11:00:02 PM] Eva: this peppermint bark is my only xmas companion merry christmas me
[11:00:07 PM] Chiisana: LOLL
[11:00:10 PM] Chiisana: I know I was eating it earlier
[11:00:12 PM] Chiisana: and was like
[11:00:19 PM] Chiisana: kurisumaaaaaasuuuuuu QvQ
[11:00:28 PM] Eva: true christmas spirit
[11:00:34 PM] Chiisana: yep
[11:04:50 PM] Eva: wow
[11:04:53 PM] Eva: i actually want to just
[11:04:55 PM] Eva: eat the rest of it
[11:04:55 PM] Eva: now
[11:04:58 PM] Eva: because nothing else to do
[11:05:15 PM] Chiisana: it's okay
[11:05:18 PM] Chiisana: I had been eating one a day
[11:05:19 PM] Chiisana: to be good
[11:05:21 PM] Chiisana: and then today was like
[11:05:22 PM] Chiisana: CHRISTMAS.
[11:05:26 PM] Chiisana: -eats the last two-
[11:05:30 PM] Eva: LOOL
[11:06:58 PM] Chiisana: WHAT TO DO WITH LIFE
[11:08:45 PM] Eva: I DON'T............KNOW
[11:08:59 PM] Chiisana: ................AHHHHHHHHHHH

(I woke up at 1 PM today, got out of bed at 3, and now it's 11 PM and I've been sitting here in my room for the entire day because I had no plans whatsoever and I've just been watching k-dramas merry christmas me)

Tonight

eheheee ;u;
I've been up to 4 AM for most of the past few weeks. If not for finals, homework, working on the company video, or because of being out of the house til late, then it was because of working on this! I'm embarrassed to hell, but ultimately I'm really happy to finally have finished and released this. ;v; It's something I know I've spent a lot of effort on so I guess that's something to be proud of. Sang, rapped, mixed, filmed, and video-edited uhuhuhu



【Cover】 Miryo&Narsha - Tonight (오늘밤)

[Duet readies available!]
Hi, my name is Eva and I'm Embarrassing. And I think it's fun to try to rap.

This poor underrated song doesn't even have a proper MV, so I hope you don't mind that I threw together lipsyncing and some footage from funtimes with my amazing friends (all of whom also sing or do singing-related things on youtube).
Thanks for allowing me to include you in this video, ya noobs!!

For those wanting to give this song a try but are missing a duet partner, please feel free to use these; I'd love to hear you sing/rap with me! ;u;
Singing: https://app.box.com/s/nm2a5yal0plomzo...
Rapping: https://app.box.com/s/u0xmvk4akdu0jzk...

Song: Tonight / 오늘밤
Original Artist: M&N (Miryo&Narsha) from Brown Eyed Girls

The friends featured in this video, by (Alias / Youtube / Twitter), are:

• Diji / DijiDori / DijiDori
• Kazou / soundmutation / KazouKun
• Fome / Fome / at_fome
• Chiisana / ChiisanaChanx3 / chiisanauta
• Kura / Kuraiinu / Kuraiinu
• Chris, Hakiro,  Hakuro, Shiratsuyu..... / ItsHakuro / ItsHakiro
• Karu / karufuruu / karufuruu
• Myst / mystraven / mystraven
• Dibur / diburmakesmusic / Diburpls

Waaaahh I've heard a couple people consider using my duet readies and I'd actually REALLY REALLY LOVE THAT. I can't wait to maybe hear some asldkfjskfl I honestly don't even care how good they are; it'd be really nice to hear people singing/rapping with me. ^^

Also.

Ahahaha. those lipsyncing videos.

If you look at the clock at the beginning, it says 1:52 and it sure as fuck ain't in the afternoon LOL. I was really sleepy when recording those videos and you can tell. xDDDD (Actually I filmed them the night after I got home from ice skating, which was probably a bad idea.......)

My excuse is

IT'S OKAY

MY EYES IN THIS VIDEO KIND OF LOOK LIKE JUNIEL'S

Season of Giving

WOW been so busy lately LOL but finally I'm on vacation because school finished and I get a week off from work!

I've been up to things lately. For example, I've finished a solo cover and I finished making the video for it so that will be uploaded tomorrow!! ..Hopefully. :T Part of me is wondering if I should withhold it because eeeeeeeeeeverrryyonnneeee and their secret santas and their cats and cousins are uploading covers within these few days...

Well last week, I went ice skating with Yanovi, Diji, and Kazou! Ice skating is really hard OTL Thankfully, I didn't fall.. and the boys were such gentlemen and helped me and Yano skate. =v=

This GIF sums up my ice skating experience really well. :'D

I'm scared to upload pictures of the others though, or at least without asking permission for every picture ;^;


Also we had a NYA (Norcal Youtube Alliance) party on friday ;u; Chiisana and another friend Chris came back from college for the holidays so we got to hang out with them toooo.

Everyone gets to be a princess ; 7 ;!

PRESENTSSSS

 Dibur got me chocolate mint patties as my secret santa ;v;

And this! ohoho

Chiisana's a beanie ball too

wow pizza sounds good right now

Flood of words ahoy! So sorry for that ahahaha (The other post is the semi-organized and self-reflecting one, and this is the one in which I whine about irrelevant things in a shameful manner and type whatever the fuck my train of thought says to. Because I don't wanna sleep yet!!)

Dreams and Success

I'm currently an accounting intern of the USA subsidiary of a company based in Taiwan. Last week was our Taiwan headquarter's year-end event for which two coworkers and I made a video, myself being the primary video and audio editor. Additionally, there's a song montage in it made by me composed entirely of video footage I shot with my new camera.

Our general manager (the highest in position within our subsidiary) told me today that when he presented the video in Taiwan, it earned some explosive applause and approval. He added that he expects even fancier next year since now that everyone else has seen this, they're gonna step it up. Apparently there was even an unofficial competition, and we won first place in presentation. :)

He also mentioned the credits sequence at the end -- which was a last-minute addition so I've never seen it -- and how my name comes up..... and this is all just such an amazing accomplishment to me.

Realistically, I'm just a lowly intern that helps process finance/inventory/sales-related things. I wasn't even supposed to have any association with the video since it's marketing's project and they initially didn't seem to want my help. Nobody at HQ likely would even give my existence a thought. And yet something that I had such a big hand in making was shown in front of all the corporate heads and people from other parts of the world, who applauded and I guess enjoyed it!!

And it doesn't end there, because I've been approached by sales & marketing to make a video to be played in the background at their trade shows! I really want to do it *A*!!

Actually, the very fact that I would jump at this newly unfolding opportunity makes me surprised and proud. I'm a coward and often unambitious. Even before the year-end video, I was really frightened to try and didn't think my abilities would be enough for an actual professional project. And now I've come pretty far from the cowardly Eva that used to always lie to my 4th grade teacher about being sick/injured so I could sit out of a kickball game, because I can't stand the pressure and attention of participating, and of people watching and expecting from me. Though that's a bit of a separate issue since my fear of direct attention is still present.

I guess I've been thinking about my ambitions lately. Or, more of my lack of. Diji keeps telling me that it's hard to associate the me that lays in bed and refuses to get out until 5 PM with the me that maintains straight A's and a job.
I have so little ambition. If I have no plans or strict obligations for the day, I don't have the motivation to get out of bed until dinnertime. I don't have dreams of what I want to be in the future and I don't even particularly like the major I'm in. There's nothing I'm actively pursuing or desire. And yet, I'm a somewhat ambitious person in my own right, in that when I try, I always give my all -- no less. I hold particular standards in that I would not want a head start but would rather be a self-constructing underdog story. I require myself to be at least fairly self-sufficient, to not burden people, and not to disappoint others.

Ultimately, this is what I've realized:
I want to be a successful person.

I have no way of, no ambition, no dream, no realistic plan to achieve that.
So with these little successes, I'm really happy. Things like being valedictorian, getting the highest score on exams in my class, earning myself a raise at work, knowing that I try my best, becoming stronger and more independent after emotional turmoil, and now being acknowledged for my media creation & manipulation abilities in a professional environment make me feel accomplished.

This is my first time ever figuring something like this out. I keep rambling in post after post about my lack of dreams, and thought about it even more with a new perspective after Lee left a comment saying how a dream doesn't just have to be about your career path.
My dream is to feel successful, through my independent efforts. Even if it may not seem successful in the eyes of others, and even if it's just knowing that I'm happy or entirely profession-unrelated. It's a vague dream but the closest I've come so far to having one.

I had a conversation with Nelson once about if I would continue working if I had kids. And honestly, I really want kids in the future. But although he made a good argument about wanting someone to always be there for the kids, some part of me can't accept sitting at home because I feel like it'd be a waste for me. It's a personal mindset, but I reject the notion that a husband needs to be THE breadwinner in terms of money. I want to contribute to the bank account, I want to have a career, I want to show and push my potentials, I want to commit to and work hard even in matters unrelated to the house and family, and I want to feel like I'm earning my keep and not just being fed or taken care of. I thought it might have been an issue of pride and not wanting to be belittled just 'cause I'm a girl. Not that being a housewife isn't perfectly respectable; it's just not my forte and now I guess I know that it's not what I want because it probably won't be what'll make me personally feel successful. But then you never know what'll happen.

Merry Halloween: A Series of Eva Being Rejected by Children

Hello Winter!

While driving home from work today, "Goodbye Summer" by f(x) and EXO's D.O came on, and instead of crying and yearning, I was wondering why I now felt so comfortable hearing the song. I wrote this just a few weeks ago about the song and my feelings related to it, and back then I was not so okay.

I think some people are really done with my obsession with Disney's new princess flick, Frozen LOL. It's k. I've kind of overdone it, and in a very outward way. I REALLY LIKE IT OKAY SOB...

But Frozen holds a really special place in my heart. ;u; Not just because I love Disney and I love princesses, water/ice, the color blue, the songs, the characters, the characters' voices and their singing.

I wrote in my post Meltworthy.. that it's not exactly that I can relate with the movie or its characters, yet somehow it reaches out to me and sticks with me in a positive way.
Some things really resonate with me and push the right emotional buttons, whether it be bringing a huge grin across my face or forcing me to confront certain unpleasant emotions and then growing stronger from it.

The song "Let It Go" by Idina Menzel, in particular, has been making a huge impact on me. (The instrumental for better appreciation of the ramble I'm about to embark on.)

I love the way the song is structured, in that it starts out sounding hopeless with simply some piano in a disheartening-sounding minor, then with every single transition into a new part of the song, there's an refreshing element that makes you feel elevated. There are parts where you pull back and then all those magnificent build-ups, and it's led really well with the enchanting sound of the piano and later on, majestic strings. IT'S SO MAGICAL AND UPLIFTING. And then the way the lyrics go from dejection to acceptance. I love listening to this song as it makes me feel stronger and prouder. It's also terribly fun to sing even if the chorus and my vocal range look at each other and go, "nope."

In a way, it kind of threw me in the cold and forced me to deal with it and acknowledge that it's no longer summer and figure out that THE COLD DOESN'T BOTHER ME ANYWAY and that I'm now ready to "let it go" and embrace the new season! Let the winter rage on because I can fucking keep myself warm just fine and I'm free to feel however I want, thank you very damn much!!

As Anna and Hans sing in "Love is an Open Door": Say goodbye to the pain of the past!

Lonely

(is the name of the SPICA song and not what I'm actually feeling right now. I'm completely fine!)

I don't actually know who visits this blog. Oftentimes I belatedly find out that a friend secretly sometimes lurks here, and I have no way of knowing if they still do or what. Then there are people that I know are very aware of this blog, but I wouldn't know if they ever drop by. At this point, it doesn't really matter so much to me who my audience is––or if there's any audience at all––because I'm just going to write what's on my mind or show what I'd like to.

For the most part, I leave myself extremely transparent on this site. To some, it might be questionable or a shameful act. It embarrasses me a little when I look back on my posts, but I don't think putting your feelings on your sleeve is necessarily a bad thing. But it does worry me if I speak frankly that my words may be misunderstood as blaming somebody of any sort; I don't mean to blame or offend anybody at all. Sorry if anything has become misconceived in such a way––I promise that even if I say potentially negative things, there aren't any hard feelings and even if maybe I feel hurt, I'm not holding anyone at fault.



Now back to the title of the post. xD

It seems like finals season always means spontaneous recording sessions hehehehe. I sang a short bit of SPICA's "Lonely" for my lovely friend Iro, to whom I had promised to sing this song...last year. Better late than never, and better a short cover than none!!
I kinda just gave up at the chorus though, and that's a one shot. High notes are not my forte at alllll :c
But still, my throat felt a lot better than usual! (You can hear there's a bit less straining in my voice here other than to hit the higher notes, and I think I sound more comfortable in general.) And I feel like I've been having more control over my voice. Also apparently got a little better with my lower register too because last year, I struggled with the low note.
Improvement yaaaaaaayy ;v;

https://app.box.com/s/ifnqhbpfp6n554wxusrr

A Princess Party!

On Sunday, I had the honor of attending a young Belle's 4th birthday party!

Of course, I was Ariel myself.

This is the kind of party I've always wanted to have!!! I LOVE DISNEY PRINCESSES.

reading old posts at 4 am

No longer bf but this conversation is strangely relevant to me, esp. given the whole Frozen thing lately.

Snowflake Kingdom

Inanimate Objects Dreaming

A series of things in my bedroom that look like they want to be somewhere else.

Inspired by this picture I took yesterday, which I named "Anna is dreaming" after the character from Frozen. ;u;

It's almost 3 AM and I'm too tired to do anything but have too much adrenaline pumping to do nothing, so I've been running around my room trying out the new camera despite the gross yellow lighting. (I've touched nothing; I just happened to find these objects sitting around looking like they just want something more.) Woooo, attempted photography!

"Maybe... beyond these walls I could sprout some wings."

"All I want is to not be inanimate so I can eat yummy things."

"Sometimes I think I'm the Queen of Dogland."

"Excuse me - are you waiting for somebody, miss?"

"I'd love to be one of the fish in the sea!"

"-smiles fondly while thinking of dream-"

"Those waves out there are calling for me..."

"Somebody help."

"I'm not asking for much.. Just somebody to fill this empty coldness inside me."

"I'm so damn done with you dimwitted fools."

"If I were in New York, things would be different..."

"I would be more Elated and Enthusiastic if only I had some friends to hang around with."

"Perhaps if I were a real bear, they wouldn't leave me at the top of a closet."

"No, it's okay guys; you don't have to invite me to your lotion parties or anything. I'll just jump off a shelf for all you care."

BONUS: Things that look like they wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
(I really just found them like this.)

"It just had to be the eye..."

Soup and Bitch Faces

Two random mini non-vlog pretty-much-accidental videos using my new camera heheheheee. Idk why I upload these things but .. I was entertained. and thought. why not. why not just share. R-RIGHT?


This one I recorded as a test to see if putting the camera on a mini-tripod on my desk would suffice in framing for vlogs. And I ended up laughing when watching it because I'M JUST SO, SO, SO DONE WITH MYSELF AT THE END LOOL.



"Hi! Is this a... decent, y'know, position to take vlogs in...?
Let me know!*
..............................
-judges self for stupid actions-"

*I'm talking as though I'm one of those vloggers that go LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW even though I only ever intended for myself to be the only viewer of this video
esp 'cause i'm in pajamas and my hurr's a mess oops

This.... is just kind of a meaningless conversation I had with a coworker, not knowing that my camera had been recording. It goes nowhere and I still don't know what the hell he meant. (I've been going around the office and warehouse recording footage for the company video that I'm helping to make!)

I AM OKAY!

^^
On another note, my new Samsung NX1100 camera arrived a few days ago! So exciting!! I love it a lot~
I got it on Black Friday sale for $289, which is way out of my budget but still so much better than its original price of $500-600. Considering it comes with the 20-50mm lens and a detachable flash, it's a really good deal.

I have no experience with photography, but I'm excited that I can start playing with depth of field and aperture! Can't wait to make vlogs with this either :>



There's nothing quite interesting in my room but here are a few pictures. (Every picture in this post is unedited, with the exception of my mom's blurred out face.)

The jet that watches over and protects Eva Blvd

My high school valedictorian medal ;D Can't forget that.

Yonghwa on my You're Beautiful poster

And so I ran around the house looking for things to take pictures of!

I found these two charms/dolls that I thought were adorable and fit the characters of Frozen perfectly. ;u;

Anna is dreaming.

Elsa is queening in ice-olation.

Full bloom

When Eva really looked like a boy.

Lastly, this unintentional picture that I ended up liking a lot.

My dad came in my room randomly one night and was like, "DO YOU KNOW HOW PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE HOLD THEIR CAMERAS?" and I was like, "I DON'T FREAKIN CARE" and then he proceeded to tell me that I should hold my camera like that^ to look more professional.

So I tried it and turned to the mirror to see what it looks like and to take a test picture, not even bothering to notice that the brightness setting was too high.

But I like the fantasy-esque effect that came out, as well as the emphasis on my two favorite colors: white and blue. ^^

For the First Time in Forever

I recorded a short cover of "For the First Time in Forever" originally sung by Kristen Bell (and Idina Menzel) for Disney's Frozen OST!

It was a lot of fun aaaaahhhh I love Frozen. ;u;<3


https://app.box.com/s/95rzell25ik0pk12pkai

The window is open, so’s that door 
I didn’t know they did that anymore 
Who knew we owned a thousand salad plates? 
For years I’ve roamed these empty halls 
Why have a ballroom with no balls? 
Finally they’re opening up the gates 

There’ll be actual real live people 
It’ll be totally strange 
Wow, am I so ready for this change 

'Cuz for the first time in forever 
There’ll be music, there’ll be light 
For the first time in forever 
I’ll be dancing through the night 

Don’t know if I’m elated or gassy 
But I’m somewhere in the zone 
'Cuz for the first time in forever 
I won’t be alone 

Meltworthy

I got to see Frozen yesterday, and I love it. I love it I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!
I LOVE DISNEY PRINCESSES.
I love water/ice as a motif.
I love the color blue which was heavily splashed throughout the cinematography.
I love that Elsa and Anna aren't what you'd expect of a princess (though one's a queen).
I love that Elsa's feisty, proud, faces inner turmoil filled with guilt and fear, and has become cold due to her circumstances and withdrawing into her shell.
I love that Anna's unpoetic, ungraceful, witty, and awkward. I like that her youth and lack of eloquence is reflected in her songs' lyrics.
I love the songs, I ADORE Kristen Bell's voice, and admire Idina Menzel's belting and cold, non-stereotypical-Disney voice.

For some reason, I really feel like... ergh. it's not quite that I can relate to the movie, but more that it really strikes the right places in me.

I'm not a very warm person (physically and metaphorically), I'm known to be unapproachable, and my personality isn't very sweet or nice. I've been called an ice princess, "coldhearted," and have been told things like "my hands are as cold as my heart."
To me personally, ice has been a motif in my life for a while.

I reference these two posts a lot (mostly to myself to grasp my own changing mentalities) because they well explain my former perspective on romantic affection and relationships, which only changed as I entered my first relationship.
The first being this, which is really just my insecurity.

And there's this, in which I rambled about my paranoia and how I'd "become incapable of romantic affection so I don't ever feel like.. I like anybody in that way, or would like someone enough to feel like it's okay to enter a relationship."

And a line that I think back to a lot:
"I used to sometimes question whether or not I had a heart, and now I know I do, but it's just encased in ice so I guess I'm waiting for somebody with a grade-A flamethrower."

There's a track in Frozen's OST called "Some People Are Worth Melting For" and I'm just left thinking, like, ...really? I melted in the face of a self-proclaimed grade-S flamethrower and I became a mess and now I'm wondering if it was worth it. Was it worth it? This song breaks my heart.

Well, romantic affection is just one part of what I associate with my icy shield. I completely forgot that I wrote this post until I searched through my rambly posts just now.

I'm scared. I'm scared because while I started keeping ice around my heart as a defense from being hurt or affected, it also makes me a very dislikable, unaffectionate, distanced, hateful, distrustful, and withdrawn Eva. Right now I can feel the ice coming back, and I'm just kind of letting it because I don't know what to do or how to become truly stronger at this moment. I'm so, so bitter. On the bright side, I'm no longer the dependent and clingy, pathetic Eva shown in that post from October 25th, though I still find myself emotionally broken at times. Hopefully, maybe someday I can figure out a way to let my walls down and let the ice melt and still be strong enough to stand on my own and trust others.


Now Playing:

Idina Menzel's "Let It Go" from the Frozen OST

Guh, these lyrics also hit a sensitive spot in my heart but I can't stop listening.

ootd

(from .. days ago welp)
I started wearing skirts and dresses more lately /o/

I'm really excited that I'll be receiving a new camera in a few days!
This is the first time I'm ever buying something so expensive that's not .. paying for car payments/bills/university tuition. ;^; I never buy games, make-up, bags, expensive clothes, and don't even have a smartphone.. OTL The only reason I'm not using a $30 logitech mic from middle school(?) is because I received my snowball as a bday present from the lovely Yanovi. alskdfjsf I'm a little too cheap/frugal for my own good.. Actually I'm rather concerned because I'm REALLY broke after this camera and monthly payments aaaaah QQ
BUT YEAH I..'ve been wanting a nicer camera for a while. And it was a really good Black Friday deal. And I also have a legitimate reason to need a better camera because I'm going to be helping with my company's video to be shown at our HQ's new years kick-off, and it'd be better if I can collect footage without borrowing someone else's camera. ^^