2018 was a frighteningly shitty year for the world at large, ugh. Nothing directly affected me personally, but it definitely had the effect of heightening my anxiety and making me constantly feel unsafe and paranoid about what bad things could happen. :c Sincerely I hope that it will only be uphill from here. It will be, right??!
It's hard to sum up what 2018 was for me personally—but I think if I were to rate each day numerically, the average would be higher than other years of my young adult life. ;u; I didn't hit any serious low points, but there were plenty of medium-low days that I wish didn't happen. My high days were the best in many years! <3 And that's a wonderful accomplishment!
I really do feel like I've made strides with my mental health and taking care of myself. There's lots to be proud of! On the downside, I also struggled with some insecurities and anxiety that I didn't expect to and I'm working on that.
It was a very eventful year!! I went to Japan and Korea for the first time and made incredible memories. :> My lung collapsed which caused me to be hospitalized for 8 days and have my first major surgery. Friends and I made Youtaite React a real thing and already put out 5 episodes! Anime Expo and KCON were both really fun—and many great memories were made in general.
I think I did pretty well on a good amount of my 100 resolutions for 2018!
Ones in blue I'm especially proud of~
Guilt
Monday, December 17, 2018
4 comments Labels: Food for Thought, rambling but with slightly more thought
Fake it til you steak it
^__^ My last two weekends have been really great! Super fulfilling and I got to hang out with lots of different friends, while also making productive progress. One fun thing that happened was a party with kpop dance friends (and their kpop dance friends that I didn't know) and I was really happy that I was surprisingly outgoing, especially since I wasn't that familiar with everyone! I've been a bit more outgoing at work too I think and in general. Of course, I've been working a lot at trying to become more sociable and fun for a while, but now it feels different because I don't feel drained from it anymore? And I don't feel guilty about trying too hard. It's like I graduated from acting outgoing and have actually become somewhat outgoing. Yaaay! I hope I can continue being that social and open with my humor all the time lolol.
My whole week went pretty well actually! For once, I made it a habit to sleep early and have been balancing productivity and relaxation ;v; In my last post, I was struggling a lot with all my medical bullshit—but now I've taken care of a lot, made tons of successful phone calls, made a trip back to the hospital to make requests, am not scared of the steps I need to take in the next few weeks... I've crossed a few hurdles among what seems like endless hurdles, but I feel like I FUCKING CONQUERED SOMETHING. òдó)ᕗ
Yesterday I had a fun feast day with best friend Chiisana and boyfriend Fome—they cooked up some amaaaazing lemon pepper wings and ribeye steak ^q^ Some pictures that I took:
My whole week went pretty well actually! For once, I made it a habit to sleep early and have been balancing productivity and relaxation ;v; In my last post, I was struggling a lot with all my medical bullshit—but now I've taken care of a lot, made tons of successful phone calls, made a trip back to the hospital to make requests, am not scared of the steps I need to take in the next few weeks... I've crossed a few hurdles among what seems like endless hurdles, but I feel like I FUCKING CONQUERED SOMETHING. òдó)ᕗ
Yesterday I had a fun feast day with best friend Chiisana and boyfriend Fome—they cooked up some amaaaazing lemon pepper wings and ribeye steak ^q^ Some pictures that I took:
More Lung Stuff
Through this whole lung collapse thing I've gained courage, but honestly it's also instilled a lot of fear into me. @__@
Introspection
I really must have grown a lot because I didn't think toooo much about posting my Nekkoya dance cover... Of course, I went through the cycle of uncertainty and thought it through to make sure I was comfortable with this footage going public, but it wasn't like, "HOLY SHIT I'M SO NERVOUS THIS IS MY FIRST REAL DANCE COVER OUT ON THE INTERNET SINCE I QUIT EIGHT YEARS AGO WHAT IF THIS RUINS MY LIFE!!!" and just posted it feeling like it was a normal thing for me to be comfortable with people seeing me dance and for me to be posting dance covers to over 1000 followers.
Wow. So this was my first real dance cover out on the internet since I quit dance covers eight years ago. Cool! I'm proud of me! I've come a long way physically and mentally! ^^
Nekkoya (Dance/Vocal Cover/Mix Breakdown)
Monday, November 12, 2018
2 comments Labels: covers (non-serious/short), dance, mixing, rambling but with slightly more thought
WOW I AM BACK ALREADY!! I posted the thing I mentioned in my last blog that I had worked on and would be putting out soon yay!
This was the dance I filmed at Fome's band's studio back in September ;v; Before my injury/surgery, I kept thinking maybe I'd practice Nekkoya more and find a time to re-film it but now I really don't know when I'll be okay enough to try dancing again... It's honestly becoming frustrating that it seems like I would be almost fully functional, but I'm really not close to being normal ;; I hit my limit last night just trying to reach my phone charger that was on the ground while I was in bed, and today I had to call my parents to ask them to help me carry my laptop bag into the house because my chest hurt too much for me to handle the weight. orzzzz Anyway, when I eventually get better, I'll get back into dancing weekly with dance friends! By then I'll probably move on and work on other dances so I thought it'd be a waste if I never did anything with this recording and with how passionate I was about practicing Nekkoya back then. ;o;
I yolo recorded the vocal cover just four days after I was discharged from the hospital LOL. It's really the biggest shame that I was literally using this song to practice my endurance and live singing (initially it was my ultimate goal to sing it live while dancing), only to have it all erased by my lung collapsing...... Although I probably didn't actually have the time to do it, it's regretful that I didn't record it when I was in full condition. Still, I was honestly surprised that I was even able to sing this much right after a lung surgery LOOOL
Lately I've been thinking a lot about making a mix tutorial/breakdown sort of video, so I wanted to share something that I found interesting while mixing this! It's crazy how big a difference different mixing styles make.
Initially I had intended for the vocal cover to be eextreeeemely low effort—and the recording process was indeed low effort...kind of. More like it took my body effort to physically be able to sing, but then I was like, "eh it sounds decent i guess ok moving on to the next line" and didn't record any harmonies. I thought I could get away with a fairly low effort mix too since this was just a fun thing for twitter/blog. ^^;;
What I ended up doing was tuning, timing, panning my doubles out 10% (one double -3 dB quieter than the other), putting these effects on my vocals bus, making volume adjustments for the most noticeable parts, and doing minimal mastering. (Alright~ it's actually a lot but I consider it to be fairly low effort because I usually manually go through everything to do a pass of clean-up, volumes, and EQ... This time I relied mostly on effects that just worked across all the vocal tracks, and I didn't fine-tune the settings as much as usual.)
So starting with 3 compressors which I made strong bc low effort and hopefully means I don't have to make as many volme adjustments. Multiband compressor to bring down parts that were too mid heavy. EQ to just slightly boost highs and cut lows and mids. C6 Stereo is a multiband compressor by WAVES that I find to be good at making things sound more balanced and polished even with low effort. :'D And then some delay and reverb.
For mastering, I used Izotope Ozone and all I did was use the Maximizer (aka you pull down one handle and the mix magically sounds better!!) and then used gating in the Dynamics module to bring out the bass in the instrumental, basically by doing the opposite of compression.
What I ended up with was this mixdown which I really thought was going to be the final mix. Because low effort!
Fast forward two weeks when I finally slapped this mix on the video and realized that I wanted to redo the mixing LOL... It may be ""low effort"" but demo 1 is mixed (and I think would've been acceptable for another kind of song)—yet when I went with a different approach it sounds drastically different and in my opinion, way more fitting for this particular song.
I find it really interesting that even though I didn't re-sing anything, just because of the way it's mixed, demo 1 sounds way more expressive and energetic than the final! (Truthfully I even think I sound like a better/stronger/more interesting singer here..) Somehow making it sound more robotic and uniform just fit the song much better in the end. The first thing I needed to get rid of was all of my strong breaths at the end of notes—they made me sound constantly short of breath, because well..I really was lol...... That part I had to do manually. =_= High effort but made a huge difference! I also went back and re-tuned a bunch of parts that were off lolol.
The biggest game changer was sort of diluting the vocals and making it sound like there were more of them (thus weakening the focal point) and making them blend more into the instrumental. This I did by adding the WAVES effect Doubler4 Stereo [settings], making the instrumental louder, and using the two multiband compressors to kill a bunch of the mids.
Because twitter video can be ass, you can also listen to my final mix here~ Oops, this ended up really long. If anyone is interested in this kind of stuff and wants to discuss anything, do feel free!
asdfddj i'm rly late at this point celebrating #IZONE1stWin but here's a bit of my attempt to dance Nekkoya from Produce48 from a few months ago along with a quick cover ✨ pic.twitter.com/ggSqreqtMT— Eva @ Gemini (@waterpixieva) November 13, 2018
I yolo recorded the vocal cover just four days after I was discharged from the hospital LOL. It's really the biggest shame that I was literally using this song to practice my endurance and live singing (initially it was my ultimate goal to sing it live while dancing), only to have it all erased by my lung collapsing...... Although I probably didn't actually have the time to do it, it's regretful that I didn't record it when I was in full condition. Still, I was honestly surprised that I was even able to sing this much right after a lung surgery LOOOL
Lately I've been thinking a lot about making a mix tutorial/breakdown sort of video, so I wanted to share something that I found interesting while mixing this! It's crazy how big a difference different mixing styles make.
Initially I had intended for the vocal cover to be eextreeeemely low effort—and the recording process was indeed low effort...kind of. More like it took my body effort to physically be able to sing, but then I was like, "eh it sounds decent i guess ok moving on to the next line" and didn't record any harmonies. I thought I could get away with a fairly low effort mix too since this was just a fun thing for twitter/blog. ^^;;
What I ended up doing was tuning, timing, panning my doubles out 10% (one double -3 dB quieter than the other), putting these effects on my vocals bus, making volume adjustments for the most noticeable parts, and doing minimal mastering. (Alright~ it's actually a lot but I consider it to be fairly low effort because I usually manually go through everything to do a pass of clean-up, volumes, and EQ... This time I relied mostly on effects that just worked across all the vocal tracks, and I didn't fine-tune the settings as much as usual.)
So starting with 3 compressors which I made strong bc low effort and hopefully means I don't have to make as many volme adjustments. Multiband compressor to bring down parts that were too mid heavy. EQ to just slightly boost highs and cut lows and mids. C6 Stereo is a multiband compressor by WAVES that I find to be good at making things sound more balanced and polished even with low effort. :'D And then some delay and reverb.
For mastering, I used Izotope Ozone and all I did was use the Maximizer (aka you pull down one handle and the mix magically sounds better!!) and then used gating in the Dynamics module to bring out the bass in the instrumental, basically by doing the opposite of compression.
What I ended up with was this mixdown which I really thought was going to be the final mix. Because low effort!
Fast forward two weeks when I finally slapped this mix on the video and realized that I wanted to redo the mixing LOL... It may be ""low effort"" but demo 1 is mixed (and I think would've been acceptable for another kind of song)—yet when I went with a different approach it sounds drastically different and in my opinion, way more fitting for this particular song.
I find it really interesting that even though I didn't re-sing anything, just because of the way it's mixed, demo 1 sounds way more expressive and energetic than the final! (Truthfully I even think I sound like a better/stronger/more interesting singer here..) Somehow making it sound more robotic and uniform just fit the song much better in the end. The first thing I needed to get rid of was all of my strong breaths at the end of notes—they made me sound constantly short of breath, because well..I really was lol...... That part I had to do manually. =_= High effort but made a huge difference! I also went back and re-tuned a bunch of parts that were off lolol.
The biggest game changer was sort of diluting the vocals and making it sound like there were more of them (thus weakening the focal point) and making them blend more into the instrumental. This I did by adding the WAVES effect Doubler4 Stereo [settings], making the instrumental louder, and using the two multiband compressors to kill a bunch of the mids.
Because twitter video can be ass, you can also listen to my final mix here~ Oops, this ended up really long. If anyone is interested in this kind of stuff and wants to discuss anything, do feel free!
Here for the Lung Haul
Friday, November 9, 2018
0 comments Labels: covers (non-serious/short), fan account, rambling, videos
Somehow after gaining much more free time, I ended up blogging less? LOL Here is a big update post~
After my hospital discharge, I stayed home for a week just recovering which was a bit rough at first. I couldn't sleep the first few nights because of the discomfort in my chest, and also because I would mis-estimate how long my legs are or where my pillow was while trying to settle myself down without breaking my body... and once I was down, I could not move without pain and my arms weren't strong enough to adjust myself with lmao. I was just stuck with however I landed, even if it meant my feet dangling off the bed. What a funny problem to have honestly!!
Thank goodness I was mostly functional by last weekend because it was a crazy (and also very rewarding) (and painful) one! But more on that later.
On Monday, I had my follow-up appointment with my very cool surgeon and received some great news along with his nonchalantly optimistic life advice! My breathing has improved a lot and he says that because I'm young, I'm recovering ahead of schedule!! However it's also because I'm young and my nerves are sensitive that I feel more discomfort and pain than most of his patients... Then he took me off my painkillers because I was apparently taking them too much ("it's not candy") so I've been continuing to feel mild discomfort but at least it's not pain anymore and my surgical wounds are finally healing. I try to take it easy now so I'm doing alright.
I've been doing work from home since last week and on Wednesday I went into the office for the first time! It's already been...a lot. It's an overwhelmingly busy time for my company right now and some things stacked up while I was gone... Lots of projects are due next week... I'm already really tired...
But I'm happy to report that I recovered from my burnout!! I hated feeling flat and inspiration-less, not having the energy to do anything and having nothing sound fun to me. I'm feeling pretty inspired and less exhausted now and I'm able to fantasize and plan for future projects—and that makes me glad because it means I actually desire something, look forward to something.
You know, this recovery period was my first time getting to experience being a NEET in 7 years? I haven't taken a good break since I started working part time the summer before starting college—and I don't count travel vacations since traveling is exhausting. I'm pleased that I was able to fill up all that free time without feeling empty or stressed. ;v; I finally got into another k-drama (it's been a long time) called 100 Days My Prince, a historical rom-com with some tense royal drama, and I really like it! I'm also watching the anime Zombieland Saga and everything IZ*ONE related! Plus I worked on a little something that I'll probably put out in the next couple days. ^^
And now...I've also started to play LoL again.......because K/DA is smashin' awesome and made me want to try playing Kai'Sa :D She doesn't even have solos in this song but she definitely appeals to me the most because 1) Her design is the most my style—it's cool and chic without being over the top. 2) Her official profile seems to imply that she's Chinese or has strong Chinese influences!! "Kai'Sa won Hong Kong’s Can You Dance in 2018" and won my heart in the process. 3) She's an AD carry, which I main! And her abilities have long ranges which is an A+ for my cowardly ass. 4) I kind of like her lore—she's a human who was consumed by the void and is now seen as a monster. 5) Somehow I've accidentally started only cosplaying purple-haired girls, so it would...be perfect... But I definitely wanted to try playing her before deciding to commit to trying to make this cosplay........... I am researching the required purchases and thinking about it..!
After I finish up my current solo (I touched up the mix last week but gonna do some redos once I have the lung capacity~), I'm probably also likely going to record a full solo cover of POP/STARS because I like it a lot!!! I love Soyeon T___T The others sound great too and it's an extremely catchy, badass tune that I've had on replay!
Meanwhile I quickly learned Soyeon's rap and did a yolo live cover a few days ago, but hopefully when I get around to recording it for real, I won't flub on the words this much. It's a fun song and this kind of rap is very much my shit bahaha.
Other things I've worked on that I never got around to posting:
My local youtaite friends performed at a coffee shop in September, I shot all of the moving shots, and edited this little highlights video for them. /o/ They'll be performing here again in March I think!
After my hospital discharge, I stayed home for a week just recovering which was a bit rough at first. I couldn't sleep the first few nights because of the discomfort in my chest, and also because I would mis-estimate how long my legs are or where my pillow was while trying to settle myself down without breaking my body... and once I was down, I could not move without pain and my arms weren't strong enough to adjust myself with lmao. I was just stuck with however I landed, even if it meant my feet dangling off the bed. What a funny problem to have honestly!!
Thank goodness I was mostly functional by last weekend because it was a crazy (and also very rewarding) (and painful) one! But more on that later.
On Monday, I had my follow-up appointment with my very cool surgeon and received some great news along with his nonchalantly optimistic life advice! My breathing has improved a lot and he says that because I'm young, I'm recovering ahead of schedule!! However it's also because I'm young and my nerves are sensitive that I feel more discomfort and pain than most of his patients... Then he took me off my painkillers because I was apparently taking them too much ("it's not candy") so I've been continuing to feel mild discomfort but at least it's not pain anymore and my surgical wounds are finally healing. I try to take it easy now so I'm doing alright.
I've been doing work from home since last week and on Wednesday I went into the office for the first time! It's already been...a lot. It's an overwhelmingly busy time for my company right now and some things stacked up while I was gone... Lots of projects are due next week... I'm already really tired...
But I'm happy to report that I recovered from my burnout!! I hated feeling flat and inspiration-less, not having the energy to do anything and having nothing sound fun to me. I'm feeling pretty inspired and less exhausted now and I'm able to fantasize and plan for future projects—and that makes me glad because it means I actually desire something, look forward to something.
You know, this recovery period was my first time getting to experience being a NEET in 7 years? I haven't taken a good break since I started working part time the summer before starting college—and I don't count travel vacations since traveling is exhausting. I'm pleased that I was able to fill up all that free time without feeling empty or stressed. ;v; I finally got into another k-drama (it's been a long time) called 100 Days My Prince, a historical rom-com with some tense royal drama, and I really like it! I'm also watching the anime Zombieland Saga and everything IZ*ONE related! Plus I worked on a little something that I'll probably put out in the next couple days. ^^
And now...I've also started to play LoL again.......because K/DA is smashin' awesome and made me want to try playing Kai'Sa :D She doesn't even have solos in this song but she definitely appeals to me the most because 1) Her design is the most my style—it's cool and chic without being over the top. 2) Her official profile seems to imply that she's Chinese or has strong Chinese influences!! "Kai'Sa won Hong Kong’s Can You Dance in 2018" and won my heart in the process. 3) She's an AD carry, which I main! And her abilities have long ranges which is an A+ for my cowardly ass. 4) I kind of like her lore—she's a human who was consumed by the void and is now seen as a monster. 5) Somehow I've accidentally started only cosplaying purple-haired girls, so it would...be perfect... But I definitely wanted to try playing her before deciding to commit to trying to make this cosplay........... I am researching the required purchases and thinking about it..!
After I finish up my current solo (I touched up the mix last week but gonna do some redos once I have the lung capacity~), I'm probably also likely going to record a full solo cover of POP/STARS because I like it a lot!!! I love Soyeon T___T The others sound great too and it's an extremely catchy, badass tune that I've had on replay!
Meanwhile I quickly learned Soyeon's rap and did a yolo live cover a few days ago, but hopefully when I get around to recording it for real, I won't flub on the words this much. It's a fun song and this kind of rap is very much my shit bahaha.
Other things I've worked on that I never got around to posting:
【Highlights】 Norcal Youtaite Alliance Performs @ Slap Face
My local youtaite friends performed at a coffee shop in September, I shot all of the moving shots, and edited this little highlights video for them. /o/ They'll be performing here again in March I think!
BAR Con Matsuri: TOKYO LIVE Promo Video
I also put together two promo videos for a local three-day event that happened last weekend! BAR stands for "booze - anime - rock" and Fome is one of its organizers so I volunteer once a month as his audio engineer assistant. If you're ever in the Bay Area on the first Thursday of the month [Edit: IN 2019, IT'S THE FIRST FRIDAY!], it's definitely a fun thing to check out! This month was the big extravaganza—the first of its kind—with three days of events, some guests from Japan, eurobeat, and Phoenix Ash's (Fome's band) single release. It sucks that I had to be injured for it because I would've put in so much more if I could. ;n;
After overexerting my body on the first day, I resolved to spend the second day sitting still at the soundboard and I promised that I would only touch cables... But we ran into so many issues (plus this was a very loaded show with 6 acts across 6 hours) and had such a lack of stage hands that I ended up exerting myself like ten times the amount I intended to... Twas rough but I'm alive and I ended up with lots and lots of wonderful memories! The girls from Japan were soooooo fucking sweet, respectful, and humble that I can't stop gushing over them. T____T I really did not expect for them to talk to me as much as they did and one of them even called me cute AAAAAA I love them and will support them for the rest of my life... Definitely some of my favorite artists that I've ever worked with—although I'm thankful to report that everyone on this lineup was nice to work with! But like! a cute girl!!! called me cute!!!! I'm ded. I was in a lot of pain on the third day tbh. But all of the performances were a blast, there was a lot of good music and sweet people, and the events were successes, so it remains in my mind as a good memory.
The Lung Road to Recovery
An update on my lung collapse/hospital situation which you can read more about on my last post~
TL;DR version: They found more blisters in my lungs so I had a minor surgical procedure done on Monday to prevent them from inevitably popping later—it's been a painful recovery process, but now I've been discharged and will be finishing recovering at home!
The "nobody asked for it to be this long" version:
A quick warning that compared to my last post, I'll be documenting a lot more detail and negative experiences in this one so no need to read if you're not comfortable!!! It's all in the past so no worries. ^^
TL;DR version: They found more blisters in my lungs so I had a minor surgical procedure done on Monday to prevent them from inevitably popping later—it's been a painful recovery process, but now I've been discharged and will be finishing recovering at home!
The "nobody asked for it to be this long" version:
A quick warning that compared to my last post, I'll be documenting a lot more detail and negative experiences in this one so no need to read if you're not comfortable!!! It's all in the past so no worries. ^^
Busting a lung but without the laughter
Holy shit, I thought things were wild before... My expectations have been grandly upstaged!
A summary of how I'd been doing lately: honestly not too great but been trying to hang in there. Even on the couple days I reserved for myself to just relax, I still had a load of anxiety and continued to feel overwhelmingly stressed. Actually I had a very gratifying annual review at work this week and was given a raise that puts me at double (!) what I earned when I started here 3.5 years ago, and that's HUGE—yet I simply didn't have it in me to feel happy about it. And it's been busy wrapping everything up so that I could leave for my week-long intense business trip to DC...
This morning, I was supposed to board a plane to Washington DC. I...I'm in the hospital.
Yesterday was my day off that I planned to spend doing nothing but chilling and packing. I stayed in bed til the afternoon just watching Marvel and DC analysis videos, and when I finally hopped out of bed, I suddenly had a bit of trouble breathing? I just went on with my day of lounging around (and rewatched Civil War SUCH A GOOD MOVIE) and hoped that the discomfort would go away like other discomforts that I just leave alone. Because I'd also been belching nonstop, Chiisa looked up my symptoms and found that my acid reflux could have caused shortness of breath if stomach acid leaked into my lungs, so I took the maximum allowed dose of acid reducer and hoped that would do it.... But when it became 10 PM and I was only feeling worse, I realized that this might not go away in the morning. @_@ How would my body react to being on a plane if I was struggling just to breathe at ground level..? How disgusting would I have been if I belched constantly on a plane? What would I have done if I got worse on this trip, the majority of which was to be spent alone editing in my hotel room?
My dad was hesitant at first but I persuaded him to take me to the emergency room to get checked out just in case. I was thinking maybe they could prescribe me something better for my acid reflux or something. And worst case scenario, I could try to delay my flight by a day or two since I could have tried to play catch-up and start editing after a couple days of footage for the video to be shown on the final day of the week.
After taking an x-ray, it turned out...that my right lung had collapsed....... I must've sounded so stupid, not entirely registering the situation and being like, "So... I'm not getting on that plane tomorrow, huh? Oh, I shouldn't go on this trip at all?" o<-< I've never really had a surgery or been hospitalized before, so this was all new and unexpected to me... They told me that I absolutely should not have gotten on a plane in this state so I'm feeling fortunate. Within an hour or two, I was in surgery, which I was impressed by haha. They installed a tube that drains excess air so that my lung can re-expand and boy do I look awful LOL! Thankfully I can breathe fairly normally now, but there's pain and everything is difficult to do haha. I'm here for a few days until they determine it's fine to remove all this stuff—including what I've been personally referring to as my arc reactor—from my body.
As for the cause, apparently it isn't uncommon for tall and slender folks to have a spontaneous lung collapse for no good reason because of the way our body types are built. So it probably happened because of the way I hopped out of bed?
It was also babbie's first time being sedated and bruh that was trippy as hell. I kept wishing that I had been knocked out further because I'm pretty sure I was still hearing a lot of what was happening and those words would morph into part of a twisted, nonsensical song that my mind concocted while being convinced that I was on some sort of violent spinning ride. I came to consciousness before the procedure was over and while I couldn't feel any pain or fully open my eyes, I hated that I knew what was going on and kept worrying that it wasn't going well. ;n;
But now I'm doing fine!!! I had quite a bit of anxiety and high blood pressure before this but I've been able to completely chill out and I'm not really worried. ;v; I also had a lot of guilt over having to pull out literally hours before the flight and putting tons of pressure on my boss to find another editor who'd agree to this crazy week-long task last minute and re-figure out details with them. Luckily they got a good replacement and everyone from work has been wonderfully supportive—they even sent me balloons QAQ! It feels like life finally grabbed itself out of my hands and gave me a loud and clear sign to put a good halt to my stressed, anxious workaholic state. I'm holding up great!
A summary of how I'd been doing lately: honestly not too great but been trying to hang in there. Even on the couple days I reserved for myself to just relax, I still had a load of anxiety and continued to feel overwhelmingly stressed. Actually I had a very gratifying annual review at work this week and was given a raise that puts me at double (!) what I earned when I started here 3.5 years ago, and that's HUGE—yet I simply didn't have it in me to feel happy about it. And it's been busy wrapping everything up so that I could leave for my week-long intense business trip to DC...
This morning, I was supposed to board a plane to Washington DC. I...I'm in the hospital.
Yesterday was my day off that I planned to spend doing nothing but chilling and packing. I stayed in bed til the afternoon just watching Marvel and DC analysis videos, and when I finally hopped out of bed, I suddenly had a bit of trouble breathing? I just went on with my day of lounging around (and rewatched Civil War SUCH A GOOD MOVIE) and hoped that the discomfort would go away like other discomforts that I just leave alone. Because I'd also been belching nonstop, Chiisa looked up my symptoms and found that my acid reflux could have caused shortness of breath if stomach acid leaked into my lungs, so I took the maximum allowed dose of acid reducer and hoped that would do it.... But when it became 10 PM and I was only feeling worse, I realized that this might not go away in the morning. @_@ How would my body react to being on a plane if I was struggling just to breathe at ground level..? How disgusting would I have been if I belched constantly on a plane? What would I have done if I got worse on this trip, the majority of which was to be spent alone editing in my hotel room?
My dad was hesitant at first but I persuaded him to take me to the emergency room to get checked out just in case. I was thinking maybe they could prescribe me something better for my acid reflux or something. And worst case scenario, I could try to delay my flight by a day or two since I could have tried to play catch-up and start editing after a couple days of footage for the video to be shown on the final day of the week.
After taking an x-ray, it turned out...that my right lung had collapsed....... I must've sounded so stupid, not entirely registering the situation and being like, "So... I'm not getting on that plane tomorrow, huh? Oh, I shouldn't go on this trip at all?" o<-< I've never really had a surgery or been hospitalized before, so this was all new and unexpected to me... They told me that I absolutely should not have gotten on a plane in this state so I'm feeling fortunate. Within an hour or two, I was in surgery, which I was impressed by haha. They installed a tube that drains excess air so that my lung can re-expand and boy do I look awful LOL! Thankfully I can breathe fairly normally now, but there's pain and everything is difficult to do haha. I'm here for a few days until they determine it's fine to remove all this stuff—including what I've been personally referring to as my arc reactor—from my body.
As for the cause, apparently it isn't uncommon for tall and slender folks to have a spontaneous lung collapse for no good reason because of the way our body types are built. So it probably happened because of the way I hopped out of bed?
It was also babbie's first time being sedated and bruh that was trippy as hell. I kept wishing that I had been knocked out further because I'm pretty sure I was still hearing a lot of what was happening and those words would morph into part of a twisted, nonsensical song that my mind concocted while being convinced that I was on some sort of violent spinning ride. I came to consciousness before the procedure was over and while I couldn't feel any pain or fully open my eyes, I hated that I knew what was going on and kept worrying that it wasn't going well. ;n;
But now I'm doing fine!!! I had quite a bit of anxiety and high blood pressure before this but I've been able to completely chill out and I'm not really worried. ;v; I also had a lot of guilt over having to pull out literally hours before the flight and putting tons of pressure on my boss to find another editor who'd agree to this crazy week-long task last minute and re-figure out details with them. Luckily they got a good replacement and everyone from work has been wonderfully supportive—they even sent me balloons QAQ! It feels like life finally grabbed itself out of my hands and gave me a loud and clear sign to put a good halt to my stressed, anxious workaholic state. I'm holding up great!
Starlit
Helloo, here I am, trying to make good on that goal to blog at least once a week...
The newest of the new is that I just finished watching the anime Revue Starlight, like, 15 minutes ago. WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS ANIME....WHAT.. It's got a uniquely cool concept, was pretty entertaining, definitely kept me guessing, amazing visuals, but...... major storytelling issues. I'd recommend checking out at least an episode or two for the surprises if you're unfamiliar with the show, but not sure I'd endorse the whole series tbh.
One motif that this show slams in your face repeatedly is "losing your shine" and somehow it's something I relate to right now? In the show's context, it's about musical theatre girls losing sight of why they perform, no longer able to enjoy it, no longer able to mount the stage with admirable, passionate brilliance. The more they discussed it, the more I was reminded of my burnout right now ;;.... After my last post, I took it easy a lot more—I got deep into watching Marvel analysis videos and rewatching the movies now equipped with more knowledge of what's going on THE MCU IS SO MAGNIFICENTLY RICH—and then I started getting very busy. I thought I was recovering from the burnout, but I was wrong. I'm tired and it's only going to get busier for me soon, what with an upcoming 10 PM shoot (it's a volunteer project so I still have work that day orz) and one of those crazy edit-all-day-all-night business trips. It tires me out just thinking about what the next two weeks will be like ;;; I'm all doom and gloom and no shine.
I am very fortunate that I was able to forge a career path out of the few interests that I had. There's nothing that I regret about turning my hobby into my job and I definitely don't want to take that for granted! But the flip side of that coin is that when I overdo it with the hobbies, they don't feel like hobbies anymore.... There's definitely lots that I love about video production, but right now I temporarily don't have the energy to feel that spark. ;n; One of my favorite things that I've done is when I yolo drove to the beach an hour away after class one day in 2015, filmed myself lipsyncing Lovelyz' "For You" for my cover, and filmed some bottles in the sand against the sunset. I can pick out lots of issues now with the camerawork and editing—but that is such a beautifully cherished memory and project. I LOVE that I actually did that! ;u; And that's not to say that I don't love the projects I've been working on, but it's rather that having to spend hours upon hours upon hours in Adobe Premiere makes me not really look forward to spending more hours in it. Which I have to for my job, at which I've been really low energy and I'm just doing my best to keep up good work despite that. Currently I can't fantasize about doing cool projects in the future. I wouldn't have that same drive to execute a passion project the way I did for "For You." It's actually pretty cool the projects that I've been able to work on and there are lots of great opportunities and causes; I just need a little time to recuperate so that I can leave this cycle of spending my days tired out from my nights and my nights tired out from my days.
The newest of the new is that I just finished watching the anime Revue Starlight, like, 15 minutes ago. WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS ANIME....WHAT.. It's got a uniquely cool concept, was pretty entertaining, definitely kept me guessing, amazing visuals, but...... major storytelling issues. I'd recommend checking out at least an episode or two for the surprises if you're unfamiliar with the show, but not sure I'd endorse the whole series tbh.
One motif that this show slams in your face repeatedly is "losing your shine" and somehow it's something I relate to right now? In the show's context, it's about musical theatre girls losing sight of why they perform, no longer able to enjoy it, no longer able to mount the stage with admirable, passionate brilliance. The more they discussed it, the more I was reminded of my burnout right now ;;.... After my last post, I took it easy a lot more—I got deep into watching Marvel analysis videos and rewatching the movies now equipped with more knowledge of what's going on THE MCU IS SO MAGNIFICENTLY RICH—and then I started getting very busy. I thought I was recovering from the burnout, but I was wrong. I'm tired and it's only going to get busier for me soon, what with an upcoming 10 PM shoot (it's a volunteer project so I still have work that day orz) and one of those crazy edit-all-day-all-night business trips. It tires me out just thinking about what the next two weeks will be like ;;; I'm all doom and gloom and no shine.
I am very fortunate that I was able to forge a career path out of the few interests that I had. There's nothing that I regret about turning my hobby into my job and I definitely don't want to take that for granted! But the flip side of that coin is that when I overdo it with the hobbies, they don't feel like hobbies anymore.... There's definitely lots that I love about video production, but right now I temporarily don't have the energy to feel that spark. ;n; One of my favorite things that I've done is when I yolo drove to the beach an hour away after class one day in 2015, filmed myself lipsyncing Lovelyz' "For You" for my cover, and filmed some bottles in the sand against the sunset. I can pick out lots of issues now with the camerawork and editing—but that is such a beautifully cherished memory and project. I LOVE that I actually did that! ;u; And that's not to say that I don't love the projects I've been working on, but it's rather that having to spend hours upon hours upon hours in Adobe Premiere makes me not really look forward to spending more hours in it. Which I have to for my job, at which I've been really low energy and I'm just doing my best to keep up good work despite that. Currently I can't fantasize about doing cool projects in the future. I wouldn't have that same drive to execute a passion project the way I did for "For You." It's actually pretty cool the projects that I've been able to work on and there are lots of great opportunities and causes; I just need a little time to recuperate so that I can leave this cycle of spending my days tired out from my nights and my nights tired out from my days.
A glint in the eye
Now listening to:
GFRIEND - "Memoria" (Japan 1st Single)
Man, last week, my thoughts hit me like a truck. I've always said that I'm not good at having fun, but I suddenly tripped and fell down a deep well of sadness when I finally put into words that I'm perhaps a workaholic and haven't lived many experiences despite being at my prime. Which escalated into, "What do I even do for fun...? Recently, nothing??? How often do I even relax..? What do I even enjoy....?" and I realized that this ties a lot into the emotional fragility and stress I've been living lately that I didn't know how to shed until now. It's sure tough to try to be an independent and collected gal when you no longer have things to spend your own time doing that you enjoy. ^^;; I personally don't think I'd be able to live without productive hobbies—there's still a lot more desire and fulfillment to explore in creating content and doing singing projects...but..I have to admit I guess it burned me out to spend tiring hours at my job working on videos, then coming home and working on more videos for hours. And I haven't had many outlets to break up the tension. ;; The "unproductive" hobby I've held onto is watching youtube videos and variety shows, but at times it even felt like a chore to look for something to watch because there's nothing I've been invested in since Produce48 ended. I don't play any games right now, and I'm honestly discouraged by my lack at skill in games and the time commitment. And I hadn't necessarily felt a shortage of socializing with friends because there had been lots of events for the end of summer, and I took advantage of my extra time at home to get things done—but it's also sadly true that I hadn't..done anything spontaneous with any friends or anything chill or just for fun or just to be in each other's company outside of events for a while.
So now I am on a journey to find more things to enjoy and to do more things for me~ For starters, I finally started Of Fire and Stars, which was the book I mentioned before was "hard to make time" for, and I'm loving that I'm able to spend time reading again. ^^ This book is about magic and two princesses that fall in love so I enjoy that, and up next I'll probably read To All The Boys I've Loved Before since the movie was delightful. After a long time of thinking it could be nice to put up fairy lights in my room, I finally last minute threw some into my Amazon cart and THEY'RE AMAZING. Since I was a kid I always wanted to feel like I had sort of a fort or my own space made for fantasizing and escaping from the world. *^* Now that I have a suuper comfortable mattress (I got a Purple half a year ago and it's the best ever!!) and some adorable lights to accompany my Lovelyz wall, it feels like I have a nice space to just relax and feel safe. Be under the blankets and read a book. Listen to ASMR. Just sit and be calmed by the certainty and rhythm of how the lights slowly glow brighter...and slowly dim.
I think it'll also be very helpful that I'm blogging more often again! Honestly, I've been meaning to write this post for a couple days and was looking forward to spending the time to do it. (Something came up so workaholicism came back and rendered no time to blog..... I just want to get this one more thing done soon and then I'll take a good break from video editing outside of work to recuperate for a bit. ^^;;) Anddd when Maplestory 2 launches in a couple weeks, I'm gonna plan on trying it to see if I can play casually. I should get back to finishing my Gundam too. I'm getting quite into AKB48 and its sister groups (mostly HKT but NMB is catching my eye now) so that might become a great endless source of entertainment! :D Also going to combat my "make no detours on the way home so I can get back and work on stuff/because I'm tired" mentality by giving in to more cravings and little indulgences. Shake things up with little nudges at the very least.
What else I can do as relaxing/fun hobbies is still in the process of being figured out, but from this past week I already feel so much lighter, so much more free and more secure, much less susceptible to feeling lonely or empty, because I'm trying to focus more on myself and appreciate the small things that I do enjoy.
Behind the Editing of "AX YOUTAITE REACT to CB Winners"
Sunday, September 16, 2018
2 comments Labels: #highlight, animation, convention, film, meet-up, videos
YASS!!!!! IT'S DONE!!! It'S FINALLY OUT IN THE WORLD!! And it's gotten such an explosive response so far omggg thank youuuu QAQ
It's been a wild ride executing the Youtaite React AX (Anime Expo) special, from filming outside for 3 hours in 108 F / 42 C weather, to the crazy complicated edit that it became and how many things kept popping up that needed to be done before it was ready to go. It really took me over 50 hours of working on this after the shoot to get it done and ready for upload..... Under the cut, I'mma discuss the post-production process in more detail!
For this episode, we put up a clipboard during the youtaite meetup for anyone to sign up, with only the info that they'd be doing a challenge and not to spoil the answers. We then had participants watch entries from a selection of the chorus battles with the most participating entries/were the most iconic for their time, and they racked up points by guessing the song, group, and CB.
We got some hilarious struggling as well as folks expressing their love for entries/groups/their friends—so I think it's pretty entertaining and full of heart. ^^ Everyone did great! I'm also in it kind of as a host.... I swear I tried to cut my intro out but it didn't make enough sense without someone spelling out the setting and what was happening... I don't even know how I let Fome talk me into that ending. That's not me.
Anyway! I also asked them questions after the challenge and got lots of wholesome answers, so that's what the next episode is going to be composed of. Someday. When I....make time....to edit it.
So enjoy this one!! For a while!!! Please!
It's been a wild ride executing the Youtaite React AX (Anime Expo) special, from filming outside for 3 hours in 108 F / 42 C weather, to the crazy complicated edit that it became and how many things kept popping up that needed to be done before it was ready to go. It really took me over 50 hours of working on this after the shoot to get it done and ready for upload..... Under the cut, I'mma discuss the post-production process in more detail!
For this episode, we put up a clipboard during the youtaite meetup for anyone to sign up, with only the info that they'd be doing a challenge and not to spoil the answers. We then had participants watch entries from a selection of the chorus battles with the most participating entries/were the most iconic for their time, and they racked up points by guessing the song, group, and CB.
We got some hilarious struggling as well as folks expressing their love for entries/groups/their friends—so I think it's pretty entertaining and full of heart. ^^ Everyone did great! I'm also in it kind of as a host.... I swear I tried to cut my intro out but it didn't make enough sense without someone spelling out the setting and what was happening... I don't even know how I let Fome talk me into that ending. That's not me.
Anyway! I also asked them questions after the challenge and got lots of wholesome answers, so that's what the next episode is going to be composed of. Someday. When I....make time....to edit it.
So enjoy this one!! For a while!!! Please!
AX YOUTAITE REACT to Chorus Battle Winners 【ep. 4】
Productivity Guilt? I don't know her
me: feels good about myself
also me:
It's been a fluctuating thing but today I'm actually kind of on a high! Just from today, I feel like I've made steps forward and was productive in rewarding ways, yay. Fome was kind enough to let me use his band's studio to record a dance video—and I honestly sucked ass, but I'm really proud that I went and did it? Rather than thinking, "Oh I'll never be good enough to record a video so I should never do it," I just thought I'd give it a try now while I'm slowly but surely feeling a bit more comfortable with how my body and movements look! Plus there were several times I thought I was too tired/sweaty/sniffly to keep filming and should call it quits, watched my previous take, and willed myself to keep going ;v;)9!! No idea if those videos will actually become anything but I still feel like I overcame something today.
And then when my plans afterwards got called off, I took the chance to run errands which I'm horrendously bad at doing for some reason. Finally got a few things I'd run out of, some hairspray (PLEASE improve my bangs situation ! ! ), and some medical tape. Last week I shadowed an audio person during a shoot for the first time—something I'd been wanting to do for a while bc my location audio skills have plateaued—and learned that he uses this medical tape to attach lavalier mics on people. I struggle a lot with positioning lav mics and avoiding scratchy sounds from people's clothes so I really hope this improves my work >A<
Also. Hairspray test! I think I've referred to myself as a catfish every single time I post pics of my bangs down because I SWEAR it only looks this way for a few minutes and then goes to shit. Already my bangs don't look at all like this photo, but so far it's not....as shitty as usual..I think.
Then while driving home, I practiced singing!! I think I actually improved at a certain song that I practice once in a while and I was really happy about that! (Until I remember the last time I thought I'd improved at singing and fell short really fucking hard when I tried to record orz..) I even thought that....maybe....maybe I can try to sing this at karaoke.....idk. I feel like I've never once successfully sung anything well at karaoke before. Stage fright is another obstacle too.
I think Produce48 truly woke up a dormant beast within me that I'd been somewhat denying for years and I'm thankful for that. I still love idols and it makes me happy to sort of.. pretend to be one in a way? It was one of the biggest reasons I was brave enough to change my bangs (and embrace a cuter style) for the first time in almost a decade. Learning girl group dances with some new friends every weekend and sometimes practicing on my own has helped me grow a lot, feel healthier, and love myself more!! It makes me wonder if I can overcome my stage fright. It makes me want to become better at singing! And it brought new energy to my drive to create content and share things with the world. There are so many things I want to do.
Then there are times like last night when I felt like I was progressing too slowly and tiring out too quickly. I was frustrated that even with my limited time and energy to work on things, I seemed to take forever to get anything done. Namely last night I was working on a thumbnail for the upcoming YTReact upload (I KEEP SAYING IT'S SO CLOSE....IT'S SO CLOSE) which took a whopping fucking 3 hours to get to a presentable state because I'm that helpless when it comes to graphic design or visual creativity. Cries. I really want this video done and out there for everyone to enjoy but it feels like the finish line keeps moving further away. >< A few weeks ago I was strongly considering organizing/mixing a new exciting kpop collab but with how slowly my current projects were progressing, I decided that I probably wouldn't be able to handle it after all. But perhaps that's just for the greater good, right? Step by step, Eva, before your greed spins out of control. I did good today~!
(And then I posted a blog wow so productive!!!! And now I'm going to go back to working on the final YTReact touches until bedtime.)
also me:
It's been a fluctuating thing but today I'm actually kind of on a high! Just from today, I feel like I've made steps forward and was productive in rewarding ways, yay. Fome was kind enough to let me use his band's studio to record a dance video—and I honestly sucked ass, but I'm really proud that I went and did it? Rather than thinking, "Oh I'll never be good enough to record a video so I should never do it," I just thought I'd give it a try now while I'm slowly but surely feeling a bit more comfortable with how my body and movements look! Plus there were several times I thought I was too tired/sweaty/sniffly to keep filming and should call it quits, watched my previous take, and willed myself to keep going ;v;)9!! No idea if those videos will actually become anything but I still feel like I overcame something today.
And then when my plans afterwards got called off, I took the chance to run errands which I'm horrendously bad at doing for some reason. Finally got a few things I'd run out of, some hairspray (PLEASE improve my bangs situation ! ! ), and some medical tape. Last week I shadowed an audio person during a shoot for the first time—something I'd been wanting to do for a while bc my location audio skills have plateaued—and learned that he uses this medical tape to attach lavalier mics on people. I struggle a lot with positioning lav mics and avoiding scratchy sounds from people's clothes so I really hope this improves my work >A<
Also. Hairspray test! I think I've referred to myself as a catfish every single time I post pics of my bangs down because I SWEAR it only looks this way for a few minutes and then goes to shit. Already my bangs don't look at all like this photo, but so far it's not....as shitty as usual..I think.
Then while driving home, I practiced singing!! I think I actually improved at a certain song that I practice once in a while and I was really happy about that! (Until I remember the last time I thought I'd improved at singing and fell short really fucking hard when I tried to record orz..) I even thought that....maybe....maybe I can try to sing this at karaoke.....idk. I feel like I've never once successfully sung anything well at karaoke before. Stage fright is another obstacle too.
I think Produce48 truly woke up a dormant beast within me that I'd been somewhat denying for years and I'm thankful for that. I still love idols and it makes me happy to sort of.. pretend to be one in a way? It was one of the biggest reasons I was brave enough to change my bangs (and embrace a cuter style) for the first time in almost a decade. Learning girl group dances with some new friends every weekend and sometimes practicing on my own has helped me grow a lot, feel healthier, and love myself more!! It makes me wonder if I can overcome my stage fright. It makes me want to become better at singing! And it brought new energy to my drive to create content and share things with the world. There are so many things I want to do.
Then there are times like last night when I felt like I was progressing too slowly and tiring out too quickly. I was frustrated that even with my limited time and energy to work on things, I seemed to take forever to get anything done. Namely last night I was working on a thumbnail for the upcoming YTReact upload (I KEEP SAYING IT'S SO CLOSE....IT'S SO CLOSE) which took a whopping fucking 3 hours to get to a presentable state because I'm that helpless when it comes to graphic design or visual creativity. Cries. I really want this video done and out there for everyone to enjoy but it feels like the finish line keeps moving further away. >< A few weeks ago I was strongly considering organizing/mixing a new exciting kpop collab but with how slowly my current projects were progressing, I decided that I probably wouldn't be able to handle it after all. But perhaps that's just for the greater good, right? Step by step, Eva, before your greed spins out of control. I did good today~!
(And then I posted a blog wow so productive!!!! And now I'm going to go back to working on the final YTReact touches until bedtime.)
As We Dream
Since the Produce48 finale on Friday, my life has been consumed by Produce48 and its debut girl group IZ*ONE. @@ I've decided that for IZ*ONE's two year run, I'm going to try to dedicate myself as much as I can to them, which I've failed to do for most groups born from the many idol competition shows I've loved. The results didn't entirely go the way I think they should have, but I've come to accept and embrace it all. I really do love the lineup and I think they'll be an amazing group! If the music from the show (which has been on endless repeat for me) or AKB songs are any indication of their upcoming sound, then I look forward to their music 'cause I'll probably genuinely love it to bits! These girls have worked way too hard to face failure just because people are salty about their faves or angry about systematic things unrelated to these girls' skills and charms, so I'm going to support the fuck out of them. I'm so ready for this adorable Japanese-Korean idol group of my dreams!!!
During the finale, the top 20 girls performed a song called "As We Dream" together—a lovely, sentimental final sendoff for the show's end about dreams and friendship AND IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL IT GAVE ME GOOSEBUMPS. T__T After Nekkoya, there were no other mixed language songs so it delighted me that for the finale, they finally sang another song in both Korean and Japanese.
The Japanese version of the song has made me cry twice now. ;___________;
It honestly probably has a little to do with the fact that the Korean girls sound much less uncomfortable singing in Japanese, while the Japanese girls have a bigger challenge pronouncing Korean, so I'm able to immerse myself in the emotions a bit more with this version.
But mostly, I love the meaning of the Japanese lyrics and feel them much deeper. Compared to the Korean version, these lyrics are more about "I found myself," "I'm alive" rather than "I follow you," "It's because of you." Somehow it also feels more melancholic to me too. ;; It's truly a bittersweet song.
Probably my favorite thing though is Shiroma Miru's line at 1:08 where she sings, "Let's make every second meaningful," because in the Korean version, she literally just sings "lalalalala~" to the same melody. But here, she actually does make her part meaningful! (I'm very confused by why they didn't write Korean lyrics there but oh well.)
During the finale, the top 20 girls performed a song called "As We Dream" together—a lovely, sentimental final sendoff for the show's end about dreams and friendship AND IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL IT GAVE ME GOOSEBUMPS. T__T After Nekkoya, there were no other mixed language songs so it delighted me that for the finale, they finally sang another song in both Korean and Japanese.
The Japanese version of the song has made me cry twice now. ;___________;
It honestly probably has a little to do with the fact that the Korean girls sound much less uncomfortable singing in Japanese, while the Japanese girls have a bigger challenge pronouncing Korean, so I'm able to immerse myself in the emotions a bit more with this version.
But mostly, I love the meaning of the Japanese lyrics and feel them much deeper. Compared to the Korean version, these lyrics are more about "I found myself," "I'm alive" rather than "I follow you," "It's because of you." Somehow it also feels more melancholic to me too. ;; It's truly a bittersweet song.
Probably my favorite thing though is Shiroma Miru's line at 1:08 where she sings, "Let's make every second meaningful," because in the Korean version, she literally just sings "lalalalala~" to the same melody. But here, she actually does make her part meaningful! (I'm very confused by why they didn't write Korean lyrics there but oh well.)
The following translation by @sunshineyena:
Now Loading... Words
Hello hello! Let me start by declaring that it will now be a goal for me to write a post here at least once a week!!!! Do I think I'll be able to keep up with it? No, I'm entirely pessimistic! BUT LET'S TRY, EH?
The short explanation for this new goal of mine is this: my life skills are nonfunctional and I really need to fucking fix them.
I've gone through a bit of humiliation recently because of my failing ability to coherently communicate with other human beings. And in a work setting, that's kind of a big deal. Whenever people talk to me, I blank out and can't come up with an answer, which makes me really fucking painful to interact with. Even as I'm racking my brain through the awkward silence I've caused, I can barely come up with words or comprehensive sentences. I've taken many pauses—even checked google to see if I was using a phrase correctly AND looked to thesaurus.com to replace a word I was overusing—just writing this simple paragraph. It's so sad.
My solution has been to start talking to myself while I'm driving haha. I'll start rambling about my day in full sentences, with the hope that I'll get used to just throwing words out of my mouth without thinking too hard about it. It's really good practice since I don't interact with people out loud very much on a daily basis, which is likely the reason my communication skills have deteriorated this dramatically.... Sadly I always forget to do this and it hurts my throat, so it's not my favorite solution. >< Another thing I'd benefit a lot from is reading! Since losing interest in the current k-dramasphere and no longer reading recaps, I basically....never....read...... Recently I bought Audrey Coulthurst's Of Fire and Stars but with the 92153468468464 things I need to do and lack of attention span, it's hard to make time for it. ;;
So today (after having a mini breakdown from being overwhelmed by how much of myself I desperately need to improve lol) I remembered how I used to blog every. single. day. Which I really can't imagine doing anymore??? I'd come home from middle/high school everyday and write a long post full of trivial things about all of my classes. The potential consequences of revealing too much about work make it difficult to do this again, but I think it'll be a helpful exercise for me to write often again. Force myself to come up with words and phrases that I don't commonly use. Challenge myself to think and create, not just sitting idly and consuming all the time.
AND since I'd been hoping to blog more often again for years now, I won't get Productivity Guilt from making time to blog, right? Plus it's always nice to have chronicles to look back on, to give perspective and also because I'm forgetful as fuck. It's a win-win-win-win-win. ^^ ONWARDS TO BECOMING A SLIGHTLY MORE FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING.....
Also an update re: my mental health, I'm doing better lately I believe! I get super frustrated and overwhelmed, but I'm not irrationally miserable or stagnant. I'm proud of my recent achievements and I want to put in effort to improve. I don't want to stay what I am. Recently I've been thinking healthy thoughts like, "I would love to do this one day!" "This inspires me and I care about it!" "What can I do to become better/happier?"
The short explanation for this new goal of mine is this: my life skills are nonfunctional and I really need to fucking fix them.
I've gone through a bit of humiliation recently because of my failing ability to coherently communicate with other human beings. And in a work setting, that's kind of a big deal. Whenever people talk to me, I blank out and can't come up with an answer, which makes me really fucking painful to interact with. Even as I'm racking my brain through the awkward silence I've caused, I can barely come up with words or comprehensive sentences. I've taken many pauses—even checked google to see if I was using a phrase correctly AND looked to thesaurus.com to replace a word I was overusing—just writing this simple paragraph. It's so sad.
My solution has been to start talking to myself while I'm driving haha. I'll start rambling about my day in full sentences, with the hope that I'll get used to just throwing words out of my mouth without thinking too hard about it. It's really good practice since I don't interact with people out loud very much on a daily basis, which is likely the reason my communication skills have deteriorated this dramatically.... Sadly I always forget to do this and it hurts my throat, so it's not my favorite solution. >< Another thing I'd benefit a lot from is reading! Since losing interest in the current k-dramasphere and no longer reading recaps, I basically....never....read...... Recently I bought Audrey Coulthurst's Of Fire and Stars but with the 92153468468464 things I need to do and lack of attention span, it's hard to make time for it. ;;
So today (after having a mini breakdown from being overwhelmed by how much of myself I desperately need to improve lol) I remembered how I used to blog every. single. day. Which I really can't imagine doing anymore??? I'd come home from middle/high school everyday and write a long post full of trivial things about all of my classes. The potential consequences of revealing too much about work make it difficult to do this again, but I think it'll be a helpful exercise for me to write often again. Force myself to come up with words and phrases that I don't commonly use. Challenge myself to think and create, not just sitting idly and consuming all the time.
AND since I'd been hoping to blog more often again for years now, I won't get Productivity Guilt from making time to blog, right? Plus it's always nice to have chronicles to look back on, to give perspective and also because I'm forgetful as fuck. It's a win-win-win-win-win. ^^ ONWARDS TO BECOMING A SLIGHTLY MORE FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING.....
Also an update re: my mental health, I'm doing better lately I believe! I get super frustrated and overwhelmed, but I'm not irrationally miserable or stagnant. I'm proud of my recent achievements and I want to put in effort to improve. I don't want to stay what I am. Recently I've been thinking healthy thoughts like, "I would love to do this one day!" "This inspires me and I care about it!" "What can I do to become better/happier?"
it's time to live right now we're going strong~
Friday, August 24, 2018
0 comments Labels: covers (collab/chorus/groupdub), covers (non-serious/short), covers (solos/duets), videos
Once again I'm terrible at keeping this blog updated with all the projects I've been taking part in, so here's stuff from March til now!!
First of all, two more episodes of Youtaite React came out! I'm not in them, but I produced and edited again. :> For these two episodes, our youtaite friends are cringing over their first covers.
Episode 2 (Myst, Caspy, Hakuro/Chris, Lucy, Marco)
Episode 3 (Mochi, Kumo, Kurono, Kyle/Kairu, Rajah the doggo)
This one I haven't really shared but it's a cool thing I got to be a part of ;o;!! Pash, who was one of Gemini's artists during ACB, asked me to sing for her Songwriting for Film final project—a sweet song befitting for a romcom!
Listen here to "Spring Buds" if the tweet embed breaks ;v;
I'm frankly not super sure I'm proud of my vocals in this but please enjoy—Pash is a wonderfully talented budding songwriter~
For Sophie/kuroko's birthday, I got to sing in a chorus of Orangestar's "Your Night Sky Patrol" with a bunch of cool people ;v;)b Huge props to Kusa and Para for making this happen!
ᴠᴏᴄᴀʟs 小さな / Chiisana https://www.youtube.com/user/Chiisana... Eva https://www.youtube.com/user/waterpix... Fome https://www.youtube.com/user/Fome ひのえ / Hinoe https://www.youtube.com/user/AqueousSky Kusa http://youtube.com/c/haipeww Luna☽ http://youtube.com/user/AmatistaMoon minty⁺ http://youtube.com/user/furisou saint * ル季 https://www.youtube.com/user/xKouchan ᴍɪx Kusa ɪʟʟᴜsᴛ Para https://twitter.com/para092 ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ Kusa
~
"Yeah, just like a fool, I hope that you’ll find your way to me once again
This heart needs fixing, needs some loving, needs for you to mend
This calls for stitches, got some glitches, and I cannot forget
Pick up the phone and call me before we both end up in regret"
~
In this time, I also uploaded a vlog from my trip to Japan and Korea! ^^ I need to get around to posting some of the photos we took...
What's in the pipeline now?
I'm working on two things that should theoretically be coming in the near future! One being a solo cover—my first one since Whistle in 2016 aaaa—which I've been working on since March. I mixed, animated, and also drew some doodley things, so it's going to be my very first attempt at the Holy Trifecta, heh..... The other project being the special edition of Youtaite React that we shot during the official youtaite meetup at Anime Expo~ That was...probably the craziest fucking shoot I've ever done LOL. More details here in my AX post. It's very, very close to being done! So close!
First of all, two more episodes of Youtaite React came out! I'm not in them, but I produced and edited again. :> For these two episodes, our youtaite friends are cringing over their first covers.
Episode 2 (Myst, Caspy, Hakuro/Chris, Lucy, Marco)
Episode 3 (Mochi, Kumo, Kurono, Kyle/Kairu, Rajah the doggo)
~
This one I haven't really shared but it's a cool thing I got to be a part of ;o;!! Pash, who was one of Gemini's artists during ACB, asked me to sing for her Songwriting for Film final project—a sweet song befitting for a romcom!
This was my final in a songwriting for film class! We had to write and produce an original song to use as a "feature" for this early 2000s romcom film. Special thanks to @Diburrito for providing me with bass/guitar and @waterpixieva for singing the vocals! pic.twitter.com/DPm7tdWR6H— ash ⭐️ pash (@ashedpotatoess) July 11, 2018
Listen here to "Spring Buds" if the tweet embed breaks ;v;
~
【HBD Sophie ❤】 キミノヨゾラ哨戒班 / Your Night Sky Patrol 【8人合唱】
ᴠᴏᴄᴀʟs 小さな / Chiisana https://www.youtube.com/user/Chiisana... Eva https://www.youtube.com/user/waterpix... Fome https://www.youtube.com/user/Fome ひのえ / Hinoe https://www.youtube.com/user/AqueousSky Kusa http://youtube.com/c/haipeww Luna☽ http://youtube.com/user/AmatistaMoon minty⁺ http://youtube.com/user/furisou saint * ル季 https://www.youtube.com/user/xKouchan ᴍɪx Kusa ɪʟʟᴜsᴛ Para https://twitter.com/para092 ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ Kusa
~
Having the privilege of seeing Davichi perform their legendary song "8282" at KCON inspired me to record a short cover of it the night I got back from LA ahaha. They were simply breathtaking *___*
Chiisa and I were actually going to record ourselves singing this song for an online singing show audition in 2010, so I wrote these rap lyrics back then...... shudders
"Yeah, just like a fool, I hope that you’ll find your way to me once again
This heart needs fixing, needs some loving, needs for you to mend
This calls for stitches, got some glitches, and I cannot forget
Pick up the phone and call me before we both end up in regret"
~
In this time, I also uploaded a vlog from my trip to Japan and Korea! ^^ I need to get around to posting some of the photos we took...
What's in the pipeline now?
I'm working on two things that should theoretically be coming in the near future! One being a solo cover—my first one since Whistle in 2016 aaaa—which I've been working on since March. I mixed, animated, and also drew some doodley things, so it's going to be my very first attempt at the Holy Trifecta, heh..... The other project being the special edition of Youtaite React that we shot during the official youtaite meetup at Anime Expo~ That was...probably the craziest fucking shoot I've ever done LOL. More details here in my AX post. It's very, very close to being done! So close!
gurl quit frontin'
It's been a long [trivial] journey of being tempted to get front bangs, then determining that I would definitely not suit it or be able to maintain them, then lowkey considering it again, pondering over it a lot and being certain that it's too high maintenance for my lifestyle and people would think it's weird on me—and what did it all amount to? Me at 1 AM last Wednesday looking in the mirror before brushing my teeth, thinking about how aged my skin is and how my face will probably be soon to follow OH GOD I'M GONNA LOOK SO OLD SOON what if I become really old-looking without ever having a chance to try front bangs because I keep being scared that I look too old and too out-of-character for them and I'll regret the rest of my life-- ABORT THE TEETH BRUSHING EVA GRAB YOUR SCISSORS WE'RE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW WHILE WE'RE STILL FEELING IT OKAY YOLO snip snip snip OH MY GOD IT LOOKS AS SHITTY AS I KNEW IT WOULD what have i done!!!!
is exactly how it happened.
God.....god.......... This was a mistake. I have no idea how to style or maintain hair. It looks so bad in real life. Every little movement, every time I walk, with every small breeze, my bangs get fucked up in unpredictable, uncontrollable ways. They have a mind of their own, those forehead tentacles.
These days, I usually wash my hair in the morning after waking up late, then I'm too lazy to blow dry so I'll saunter into work late with wet hair and let it dry throughout the day. Luckily, my hair dries straight so I usually don't do any sort of styling. Now I can't do this anymore :c.... Pretty much every morning I have to spend time curling my bangs... Which means I gotta put on heat protection... And I can't even style them until my moisturizer absorbs into my forehead or it gets super greasy/sticky... But then my bangs have been greasy everyday anyway (like today, even tho I just washed them last night I DON'T GET IT AAAA) so I'll probably have to put on dry shampoo every night... It's a commitment......... And my brows get so itchy... And I am so constantly self conscious... W h y.
Blegh they look different all the time so here are a bunch of selfies before I call it quits on the bangs. =.= I've already decided that on most days, I'm just going to clip up my hair and not bother, and save the suffering for select special days.
is exactly how it happened.
God.....god.......... This was a mistake. I have no idea how to style or maintain hair. It looks so bad in real life. Every little movement, every time I walk, with every small breeze, my bangs get fucked up in unpredictable, uncontrollable ways. They have a mind of their own, those forehead tentacles.
These days, I usually wash my hair in the morning after waking up late, then I'm too lazy to blow dry so I'll saunter into work late with wet hair and let it dry throughout the day. Luckily, my hair dries straight so I usually don't do any sort of styling. Now I can't do this anymore :c.... Pretty much every morning I have to spend time curling my bangs... Which means I gotta put on heat protection... And I can't even style them until my moisturizer absorbs into my forehead or it gets super greasy/sticky... But then my bangs have been greasy everyday anyway (like today, even tho I just washed them last night I DON'T GET IT AAAA) so I'll probably have to put on dry shampoo every night... It's a commitment......... And my brows get so itchy... And I am so constantly self conscious... W h y.
Blegh they look different all the time so here are a bunch of selfies before I call it quits on the bangs. =.= I've already decided that on most days, I'm just going to clip up my hair and not bother, and save the suffering for select special days.
(3rd pic has fake app makeup i cant do that shit)
EDIT:
My bangs... They peaked and I'll likely never achieve this again.
"Poetic Justice"
Monday, July 23, 2018
0 comments Labels: art/crafts, I bought stuff, photosets, pictures, poetry attempts
Baby's first Gundam;
The gallant Justice Real Grade!
Fome made me do it.
The first foot forward
Always trembles, uncertain.
Did I make this right???
I (?) it, I'm 25
It's July and I've just remembered to do my annual Birthday Girl shirt selfie LOLOL... I turned 25 in May! I kind of just pretend to be a functioning adult—largely a lie as my lack of Life Skills™ strikes fear in me every so often.
Here is IU's masterpiece of a song called Palette, which is about being 25 except I can only hope to one day reach IU's level of self comfort.
Here is IU's masterpiece of a song called Palette, which is about being 25 except I can only hope to one day reach IU's level of self comfort.
Anime Expo '18
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
0 comments Labels: #highlight, concerts, convention, Gemini, meet-up, pictures
It's been years since I've written a post like this, but I'm gonna give it a shot! As my memory gets worse and worse, I feel like write-ups will be really helpful and yet also terribly difficult to compose since I've already forgotten what I did on this trip...... And I got back...3 hours ago.
Overall, this was a good AX that went fairly smoothly! Yay it wasn't a mess!!!
Admittedly I'm extremely spoiled/a bit numb because I'm privileged enough to be surrounded by my youtaite friends in my everyday life and it was also my 7th time (WTF IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT) going to AX so I don't necessarily get super excited about everything or get post-con depression anymore..... I'm truly happy for how this event has impacted others—people's tweets are so, sooo cute ;;;—but is it weird to say that I feel almost left out because I don't feel as emotional about it as others do anymore?? Regardless, AX is still one of the most special things to me each year! It's strange but I simultaneously feel like I was more social than ever this year, yet also didn't socialize as much as I feel I should have—but I'll elaborate later. ;o;
This time, my hotel arrangement ended up being 10 people split between two rooms that we were luckily able to get next to each other. My room was with Chiisana, Hinoe, Sophie/Kuroko, and Diji; and the other room was Fome, Myst, Chris/Hakuro, Toast, and Lisa. They're all friends that I've already hung out with a lot (everyone was NorCal other than Hinoe) and was pretty comfortable with, so that went super well!
Overall, this was a good AX that went fairly smoothly! Yay it wasn't a mess!!!
Admittedly I'm extremely spoiled/a bit numb because I'm privileged enough to be surrounded by my youtaite friends in my everyday life and it was also my 7th time (WTF IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT) going to AX so I don't necessarily get super excited about everything or get post-con depression anymore..... I'm truly happy for how this event has impacted others—people's tweets are so, sooo cute ;;;—but is it weird to say that I feel almost left out because I don't feel as emotional about it as others do anymore?? Regardless, AX is still one of the most special things to me each year! It's strange but I simultaneously feel like I was more social than ever this year, yet also didn't socialize as much as I feel I should have—but I'll elaborate later. ;o;
This time, my hotel arrangement ended up being 10 people split between two rooms that we were luckily able to get next to each other. My room was with Chiisana, Hinoe, Sophie/Kuroko, and Diji; and the other room was Fome, Myst, Chris/Hakuro, Toast, and Lisa. They're all friends that I've already hung out with a lot (everyone was NorCal other than Hinoe) and was pretty comfortable with, so that went super well!
and don't let go 'cause you're my star~
WOW HEY, LOOK WHO HAS FREE TIME TODAY!! TO BLOG!!!! The bright side of some things not working out is that I get a bit of chill time, instead of being constantly burnt out while AX looms dangerously closer. I've also been working hard on 3 really, incredibly big videos at work (as in, they're going to be shown to 140,000 people.....) and I'm finally almost done! So close! Fingers crossed that there are no more/minimal last minute changes, so that on Monday morning I can simply export final versions and be free of deadline stress ^^;;
I'd say the only kind of significant thing that really happened between my last post and now is that I fell down the Produce48 hole, but it's a fluffy nice hole and I'm not going to get out. Somehow after watching episode 2—which the girls spent learning to sing and dance Nekkoya (Pick Me), their theme song—I felt this burst of inspiration to try to learn the dance... And this is coming off of feeling disheartened about my dancing, losing all of my confidence in it, becoming scared again about doing it around people, thinking that I'd probably never get to a presentable level no matter how I try because I have no idea how to fix the fact that my movements are fucking awkward and uncontrolled and blahhhh. Anyway, I still got off my ass and tried to dance that night, and I'm glad that even though I looked like absolute shit—really like a giant long piece of shit dangling from a wire during a typhoon, the worst—I did enjoy doing it.
It's been a few days of slowly kind of trying to practice the chorus arm movements, and...I almost kind of want to say that I'd like to keep trying to work at this dance? I was thinking to aim for being able to comfortably dance it by the end of Produce48's run. But idk. It could end up being a goal I drop just like other goals I've dropped. (coughs at practicing the Bad Boy dance)
I did realize today though that there were two big things that I cowardly ragequit simply because I was bad at them: animating and dancing. I used to make all the videos for Gemini until I couldn't keep up at all with animations and aesthetic, and decided it was better for me to not do it anymore. I've also uploaded a couple of bad dance covers back in the dark ages, which I took down. I definitely told myself, "I'm never going to do a dance cover again." But.....ya girl is back to badly animating and reaallyyy terribly attempting to move her body in a way that vaguely resembles dance, so IF IT ALL CANCELS OUT I'M NOT A COWARDLY QUITTER AFTER ALL I THINK???
Ever since it was announced, I had my doubts about Produce48—especially coming off of watching Produce 101 China, which was also girls except it's an incredibly frustrating show... But there's something magical about Produce48 for me. I forgot how much I liked AKB48. My interest in Japanese idols waned a ton; but at one point, idols like Hello!Project and AKB were my life... When I was in middle school, I thought I would try to audition for a H!P global audition if they ever held one. Even as I was starting to become interested in k-pop, my dumb fantasy then was to get into SM Ent and be part of a Japan-centric group. (Interestingly, they never did come out with one since they've dedicated themselves to tackling China, so I guess I don't have to regret not trying that path lolol.)
We were all grimacing in expectation of the AKB girls being one-sidedly humiliated on this show where they were up against Korean trainees who're part of this extremely cutthroat, systematic bootcamp where you're either the best or not good enough. It's easy to compare the foundations of their skills and see the imbalance. But what I'm loving is that people are discovering what makes the AKB girls so well-loved despite that, and that there's something the Korean trainees can learn from them too to make their performances more compelling. A lot of the AKB girls just sparkle when they perform—they're so full of charm and energy that you can't help but enjoy seeing them enjoy themselves and do their best. I'm finding that I'd personally rather watch a lot of them than the girls whose moves are more accurate. Perhaps that's some of the appeal of the "girl next door" concept, but this kind of thing gave me hope in middle school when I had no skills but didn't close the door on myself anyway.
Maybe it's giving me that same hope again? Obviously not to pursue an idol career or any kind of performance career, heeeelllll no, but I spent the past few days trying to sort of dance and I'm also memorizing both the Korean and Japanese lyrics (I never actively try to memorize lyrics lol) and now I think, "Maybe I will try to do a dance cover again."
Under the cut, I'mma briefly talk about my faves on the show LOL.
(skip to 0:40)
I'd say the only kind of significant thing that really happened between my last post and now is that I fell down the Produce48 hole, but it's a fluffy nice hole and I'm not going to get out. Somehow after watching episode 2—which the girls spent learning to sing and dance Nekkoya (Pick Me), their theme song—I felt this burst of inspiration to try to learn the dance... And this is coming off of feeling disheartened about my dancing, losing all of my confidence in it, becoming scared again about doing it around people, thinking that I'd probably never get to a presentable level no matter how I try because I have no idea how to fix the fact that my movements are fucking awkward and uncontrolled and blahhhh. Anyway, I still got off my ass and tried to dance that night, and I'm glad that even though I looked like absolute shit—really like a giant long piece of shit dangling from a wire during a typhoon, the worst—I did enjoy doing it.
It's been a few days of slowly kind of trying to practice the chorus arm movements, and...I almost kind of want to say that I'd like to keep trying to work at this dance? I was thinking to aim for being able to comfortably dance it by the end of Produce48's run. But idk. It could end up being a goal I drop just like other goals I've dropped. (coughs at practicing the Bad Boy dance)
I did realize today though that there were two big things that I cowardly ragequit simply because I was bad at them: animating and dancing. I used to make all the videos for Gemini until I couldn't keep up at all with animations and aesthetic, and decided it was better for me to not do it anymore. I've also uploaded a couple of bad dance covers back in the dark ages, which I took down. I definitely told myself, "I'm never going to do a dance cover again." But.....ya girl is back to badly animating and reaallyyy terribly attempting to move her body in a way that vaguely resembles dance, so IF IT ALL CANCELS OUT I'M NOT A COWARDLY QUITTER AFTER ALL I THINK???
Ever since it was announced, I had my doubts about Produce48—especially coming off of watching Produce 101 China, which was also girls except it's an incredibly frustrating show... But there's something magical about Produce48 for me. I forgot how much I liked AKB48. My interest in Japanese idols waned a ton; but at one point, idols like Hello!Project and AKB were my life... When I was in middle school, I thought I would try to audition for a H!P global audition if they ever held one. Even as I was starting to become interested in k-pop, my dumb fantasy then was to get into SM Ent and be part of a Japan-centric group. (Interestingly, they never did come out with one since they've dedicated themselves to tackling China, so I guess I don't have to regret not trying that path lolol.)
We were all grimacing in expectation of the AKB girls being one-sidedly humiliated on this show where they were up against Korean trainees who're part of this extremely cutthroat, systematic bootcamp where you're either the best or not good enough. It's easy to compare the foundations of their skills and see the imbalance. But what I'm loving is that people are discovering what makes the AKB girls so well-loved despite that, and that there's something the Korean trainees can learn from them too to make their performances more compelling. A lot of the AKB girls just sparkle when they perform—they're so full of charm and energy that you can't help but enjoy seeing them enjoy themselves and do their best. I'm finding that I'd personally rather watch a lot of them than the girls whose moves are more accurate. Perhaps that's some of the appeal of the "girl next door" concept, but this kind of thing gave me hope in middle school when I had no skills but didn't close the door on myself anyway.
Maybe it's giving me that same hope again? Obviously not to pursue an idol career or any kind of performance career, heeeelllll no, but I spent the past few days trying to sort of dance and I'm also memorizing both the Korean and Japanese lyrics (I never actively try to memorize lyrics lol) and now I think, "Maybe I will try to do a dance cover again."
Under the cut, I'mma briefly talk about my faves on the show LOL.
Reverse Impostor Syndrome
I almost began writing what would have been a string of tweets, when I realized that I missed how years ago I used to blog about my feelings just simply...to share them in the moment—not just with the lessons learned and how I overcame them or a message of some sort.
This past week I've been going through what I'm calling reverse impostor syndrome, which in a nutshell means that I thought I was doing okay but actually, it turns out I suck.
In January, friends and I started going to a beginner's k-pop dance class with an instructor who was just starting her program at this dance studio. She's moving, so last Sunday I attended her last class. :( But! I'll probably be trying to do some sessions with some friends I met in the class so it may not be the end of my attempt at k-pop dance idk ;o;
So after the last class, I went on our instructor's instagram for the first time and saw her recordings from the past few classes. Somehow I feel like it was a wake-up slap in the face. I've always felt self conscious about my body and the way that it moves—it's super awkward and is especially evident when I try to do intentional movements, like exercising or dancing. This fear + stage fright almost stopped me from attending that first class in January. And when I saw those recordings..... I looked exactly as awkward as I used to fear that I was. Over the course of these months, because I started becoming more and more confident about dancing, because I'd made a little progress in overcoming my stage fright, because I'd heard a few kind words from others, I somehow thought.. it must have been proof that I'd gotten better at dancing and physical movement? There's no way I would become so confident if I looked silly, right? Given my self-consciousness, I couldn't be as bad as I thought, right? :/ I honestly kind of wish I never saw those videos, that I could just keep dancing badly but blissfully ignorant about how bad I am.
I also got to see just how shitty my posture makes me look... Admittedly I purposely have bad posture in order to not appear confident, so that people won't have high expectations for me. ;;;;; That realization makes me sad because it's almost like I fear being confident..?
This week, I recorded for an original song that had a really short non-negotiable timeline, which I agreed to because I thought I would be able to do it! I made the decision to retire my snowball mic which is honestly overdue, but I didn't have the motivation to do it until it gave me overwhelming EQ troubles for the first time the past few months. ;n; Fome is long-term lending me a fancyshmancy microphone, and Chiisana let me borrow her audio interface since I wouldn't be able to receive one in time for this deadline. T__T It was super nice of them and I honestly felt they were setting me up for success!! Sometimes I try to practice singing in the car and I started feeling like I was doing better, until I hear myself recorded and realize I can't fucking sing.... Many many times I'd do a take and think, "Yesss finally! I think that's the one! That one felt good!" but play it back and it's horrible, which is nothing but disheartening.. Aaaah I was foolish to overestimate myself. It was a regrettable struggle, only being able to record at night after work, exhausting my voice quickly without getting any decent takes, but only having a couple of days to finish so I didn't have a choice but to record until 4 AM, all the while frustrated and stressed ;;; I was fortunately able to finish but idk if I'll share the completed song as I currently don't like how I sound on it at all.
Anyway, there's no moral or anything. That's it, that's the post.
This past week I've been going through what I'm calling reverse impostor syndrome, which in a nutshell means that I thought I was doing okay but actually, it turns out I suck.
In January, friends and I started going to a beginner's k-pop dance class with an instructor who was just starting her program at this dance studio. She's moving, so last Sunday I attended her last class. :( But! I'll probably be trying to do some sessions with some friends I met in the class so it may not be the end of my attempt at k-pop dance idk ;o;
So after the last class, I went on our instructor's instagram for the first time and saw her recordings from the past few classes. Somehow I feel like it was a wake-up slap in the face. I've always felt self conscious about my body and the way that it moves—it's super awkward and is especially evident when I try to do intentional movements, like exercising or dancing. This fear + stage fright almost stopped me from attending that first class in January. And when I saw those recordings..... I looked exactly as awkward as I used to fear that I was. Over the course of these months, because I started becoming more and more confident about dancing, because I'd made a little progress in overcoming my stage fright, because I'd heard a few kind words from others, I somehow thought.. it must have been proof that I'd gotten better at dancing and physical movement? There's no way I would become so confident if I looked silly, right? Given my self-consciousness, I couldn't be as bad as I thought, right? :/ I honestly kind of wish I never saw those videos, that I could just keep dancing badly but blissfully ignorant about how bad I am.
I also got to see just how shitty my posture makes me look... Admittedly I purposely have bad posture in order to not appear confident, so that people won't have high expectations for me. ;;;;; That realization makes me sad because it's almost like I fear being confident..?
This week, I recorded for an original song that had a really short non-negotiable timeline, which I agreed to because I thought I would be able to do it! I made the decision to retire my snowball mic which is honestly overdue, but I didn't have the motivation to do it until it gave me overwhelming EQ troubles for the first time the past few months. ;n; Fome is long-term lending me a fancyshmancy microphone, and Chiisana let me borrow her audio interface since I wouldn't be able to receive one in time for this deadline. T__T It was super nice of them and I honestly felt they were setting me up for success!! Sometimes I try to practice singing in the car and I started feeling like I was doing better, until I hear myself recorded and realize I can't fucking sing.... Many many times I'd do a take and think, "Yesss finally! I think that's the one! That one felt good!" but play it back and it's horrible, which is nothing but disheartening.. Aaaah I was foolish to overestimate myself. It was a regrettable struggle, only being able to record at night after work, exhausting my voice quickly without getting any decent takes, but only having a couple of days to finish so I didn't have a choice but to record until 4 AM, all the while frustrated and stressed ;;; I was fortunately able to finish but idk if I'll share the completed song as I currently don't like how I sound on it at all.
Anyway, there's no moral or anything. That's it, that's the post.
🌸 Eva's Skincare Masterpost 🌸
[Updated Jul 30, 2023]
Hi there!! I put this together for me to remember not to repeat mistakes, but decided to publish in case anybody's looking for [mostly Korean] skincare recommendations. This is yeaaars upon years of trying stuff haha. My skin goes through a lot of product, so I'll try to keep this post updated! I'd love recommendations so please feel free to share via commenting or tweet/DM or whatnot, and also if you'd like more details on anything in particular. :D
About my skin:
TL;DR: Products that work for me are likely extremely hydrating and gentle. I can't speak for acne.
Long version lolol: I have chronic dry skin, premature wrinkles, sensitive irritable skin, eczema (mostly subsided), and occasional red patchiness—although I've never had acne as my face doesn't seem to produce oil. If I fall asleep without more than a layer of cream, I will wake up looking like the floor of a crackly dry desert. My skin is still problematic, but skincare basically keeps me afloat~ My smile lines have been reduced a lot and admittedly I now have baby ass soft cheeks LOLOL
How I judge effectiveness depends on 1) if I can wake up without a dry face—even better if it's supple, smooth, glowing, 2) if it can reduce the frequency at which I must re-moisturize during the day—typically every few hours CRIES, and 3) if it stings or causes irritation.
Organized in chronological skin routine order......
[generally: cleanser - toner - essence - serum/ampoule - cream - eye cream - sleeping pack / sunscreen]
Bold = fixed part of my daily routine that I repurchase
* = I've only tried it once or in sample size
Hi there!! I put this together for me to remember not to repeat mistakes, but decided to publish in case anybody's looking for [mostly Korean] skincare recommendations. This is yeaaars upon years of trying stuff haha. My skin goes through a lot of product, so I'll try to keep this post updated! I'd love recommendations so please feel free to share via commenting or tweet/DM or whatnot, and also if you'd like more details on anything in particular. :D
About my skin:
TL;DR: Products that work for me are likely extremely hydrating and gentle. I can't speak for acne.
Long version lolol: I have chronic dry skin, premature wrinkles, sensitive irritable skin, eczema (mostly subsided), and occasional red patchiness—although I've never had acne as my face doesn't seem to produce oil. If I fall asleep without more than a layer of cream, I will wake up looking like the floor of a crackly dry desert. My skin is still problematic, but skincare basically keeps me afloat~ My smile lines have been reduced a lot and admittedly I now have baby ass soft cheeks LOLOL
How I judge effectiveness depends on 1) if I can wake up without a dry face—even better if it's supple, smooth, glowing, 2) if it can reduce the frequency at which I must re-moisturize during the day—typically every few hours CRIES, and 3) if it stings or causes irritation.
Organized in chronological skin routine order......
[generally: cleanser - toner - essence - serum/ampoule - cream - eye cream - sleeping pack / sunscreen]
Bold = fixed part of my daily routine that I repurchase
* = I've only tried it once or in sample size
Camera stuff! Vlogs! Flowers! Bah!
0
comments
Labels:
I bought stuff,
phlog,
photosets,
pictures,
vlog
Why do I never find the time to update this blog :(
Here's a hopefully quick one as I'm wrapping things up and prepping to fly out to Japan and Korea in 2 days!!
It's been busy... In March, I had a business trip to DC for one of the more intense projects that I handle. I get to honor some genius and hardworking students in STEM, so it's very fulfilling and worth the long days spent editing in my hotel room!
Aside from that, there's been lots of fun outings with NorCal youtaite and I'm working on Youtaite React episode 2. Also have a solo cover in the works!!! Hopefully will have it out not long after I'm back from the trip. ;o;
I plan to vlog in Japan and Korea, but I'm only bringing my DSLR so I may have some good biceps by the end of it all LOL. Unfortunately, it was reallyyy hard to find a lens that would be ideal for vlogging (good in low light, compact, AFFORDABLE...) so here's what I've got now!
A pancake lens! It's 24 mm with a max aperture of F2.8, so it's...not that wide (this camera has a crop sensor) and fine in low light but not the best. It was $150, which is really good since lenses go into the thousands lol..
I apologize that I REALLY CAN'T REMEMBER whether or not I moved in between taking these two pics, and I don't have any other examples I can pull up quickly right now.. But here's kind of maybe a reference of comparison ;; I can't imagine I would've moved too much since there was a rail.
Anyway, I did have one free day in DC during that business trip last month, so I finally did some touristy things and checked out the botanic garden and a museum :'D I took the chance to try to familiarize myself with vlogging again so I put together a mini vlog! Featuring Sohly who's a youtaite that writes killer raps.
[Mini Vlog] A Day in DC!
I said I would make it quick but I realized I haven't gotten a chance to post up all of the pictures I took at the botanic garden of pretty flowers, so here is a photo dump /o/
YOUTAITE REACT Ep. 1
If you haven't seen this yet, SURPRISEEEEE LOL. Youtaite reaction videos have been a joke for a while, but this time we took the joke far, further, farthest... until it came into existence and now it's a Real Thing.
We kept this one small and top secret since it was a pilot and we weren't sure how it would work/if it would work out... It definitely took more effort and time than I expected it to, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out and super delighted by the awesome response we got. xD Later this month, we'll be filming episode 2 with a bunch of other youtaite (who're really pumped about it!) so I expect that one to be more fun than this one haha. Please look forward to it and thanks for watching!!
Closed captions are available~ ▶ FEATURED YOUTAITE: Fome http://www.youtube.com/fome http://www.twitter.com/at_fome Myst http://www.youtube.com/mystraven http://www.twitter.com/mystraven Kyle/Kairu http://www.youtube.com/NabaroKairu http://www.twitter.com/NabaroKairu Eva http://www.youtube.com/waterpixieva http://www.twitter.com/waterpixieva ▶ FEATURED CHORUSES/COLLABS: 【Zessei Bijin feat Fome】 IA IA Night of Desire 「HBD Ariah'!」 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2ivq... 『Magnet』 アンバのお誕生日の為に 【十人合唱】 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYCoU... 【So★CB-R1】月光潤色ガール【Re:_10UP】 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOtoo... Fighting Pose wa Date ja nai! Group Dub (only exists in .wmv lol) ▶ BACKGROUND MUSIC: マトリョシカ/Matryoshka (composed by Hachi) Magnet (composed by minato) SET-UP & EDIT: Eva DIRECTOR & MOTION GRAPHICS: Myst
I cannot believe how much it came full circle that making youtube videos led me to choose to pursue a career in video production, which gave me the experience and resources in order to make youtube videos about my youtube videos.
We kept this one small and top secret since it was a pilot and we weren't sure how it would work/if it would work out... It definitely took more effort and time than I expected it to, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out and super delighted by the awesome response we got. xD Later this month, we'll be filming episode 2 with a bunch of other youtaite (who're really pumped about it!) so I expect that one to be more fun than this one haha. Please look forward to it and thanks for watching!!
YOUTAITE REACT to their First Choruses
Closed captions are available~ ▶ FEATURED YOUTAITE: Fome http://www.youtube.com/fome http://www.twitter.com/at_fome Myst http://www.youtube.com/mystraven http://www.twitter.com/mystraven Kyle/Kairu http://www.youtube.com/NabaroKairu http://www.twitter.com/NabaroKairu Eva http://www.youtube.com/waterpixieva http://www.twitter.com/waterpixieva ▶ FEATURED CHORUSES/COLLABS: 【Zessei Bijin feat Fome】 IA IA Night of Desire 「HBD Ariah'!」 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2ivq... 『Magnet』 アンバのお誕生日の為に 【十人合唱】 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYCoU... 【So★CB-R1】月光潤色ガール【Re:_10UP】 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOtoo... Fighting Pose wa Date ja nai! Group Dub (only exists in .wmv lol) ▶ BACKGROUND MUSIC: マトリョシカ/Matryoshka (composed by Hachi) Magnet (composed by minato) SET-UP & EDIT: Eva DIRECTOR & MOTION GRAPHICS: Myst
YOUTAITE REACT Ep. 1: Behind-the-Scenes & Extras!
I cannot believe how much it came full circle that making youtube videos led me to choose to pursue a career in video production, which gave me the experience and resources in order to make youtube videos about my youtube videos.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
![[settings]](http://puu.sh/C11iW/a1f266afbf.jpg){kind=link}