throat ramblings and maybe yet another existential crisis

So I've had a long history of throat troubles.

Temporarily-recovered-then-back-with-a-vengeance acid reflux.

Bad vocal technique. Sometimes on purpose because I don't like the way my voice naturally sounds.

Doctors that didn't offer meaningful solutions...

Regrettably, a lot of pushing it too far where I'd continue forcing my voice out when it's already worn, motivated by deadlines and limited recording time. ;; I'm too self-conscious to record when anyone can hear so I used to take any opportunity if my parents were out or at work—and nowadays only while they're sleeping which is rough and also means I'm bringing all the existing fatigue from that day to the recording session orz

-

And this year, my throat hit an all-time low ;;; The worst it's ever been without being sick... At one point I could hardly speak two sentences without needing a sip of water which really, really sucked for everyday life. For singing I could barely let out a note that didn't sound 80% like physical pain (not my favorite timbre of voice to listen to in a cover unfortunately 😔).

In the summer, I first tried taking vocal rest and went back on reflux meds... which did nothing this time because I'm a FOOL and no one/none of the instructions told me that you can't lie down for 90 minutes after the medicine, which is taken in the morning and 30 mins before eating; so I thought I was being so clever crawling back into bed to look at my phone, but no!!! I probably made everything worse!!! aaa

Anyway at some point I went to get my tinnitus checked out and oops—found out I was both anemic and have extremely swollen sinuses which explains why I often have difficulty breathing—would you figure that! 🤔 Apparently in this year of 2021, my body which previously was blessed with no allergies other than to cats.....has suddenly decided to become allergic to the world. Thanks, body, thanks, late 20's.

After things got even worse, I went to an ENT who confirmed that I don't have nodes, yay!! But there is indeed hella inflammation from laryngopharyngeal reflux and allergies so now I'm on new meds for both. Also started using a steamer, doubled down on reflux diet, and bought a mattress wedge so I sleep at an incline! 🤞

The ENT told me that I haven't suffered permanent throat damage and that I'll be able to sing again, which at the time was such a relief to hear... But now that it's been a few weeks...and while my reflux symptoms have calmed and I can speak without intermittent sips of water...it's definitely gotten better.........yet my throat still feels scratchy all the time; my voice still hoarse and I can barely sing; it's still worse than it ever was before this year. I'm absolutely the type of pessimistic person to always assume the worst—I just can't shake the possibility (and at least now I can say possibility when a month ago I thought it a certainty) that there could be permanent damage after all. The doctor can tell me that I'll get better, but I'm finding it maybe hard to believe, I don't know. ;o;

-

Back in the summer before it even hit the lowest point, when I took my first vocal hiatus, I remember...hearing a certain song and thinking about how I wanted to improve my vocal range and basics and build up better vocal technique. "As soon as my voice recovers I should work hard to become a much stronger singer that won't let other people or myself down!!"

Then seeped in the darker side of my mind: "Are you sure you want to look forward to becoming a better singer, because... what if you never recover?" So I've been trying not to give myself false hope.

That's really sad for a person whose life has practically revolved around singing and rapping and covers and music collaborations for 15 years. It's been my cherished hobby since I was a kid... and now all my friends are singers (all much, much better than me so I'll take all the improvement I can get lol).

I used to be a lot more depressed and I remember many days years ago when my throat was in bad condition and my heavy thoughts were driven by "What if I lose my ability to sing? What would I do if I lost this one thing that I actually can say that I love, when I don't love much else? This precious thing I used to do to lift my spirits is now becoming a stressor. What if I stop enjoying it? What if I have to give up this part of me that's been my life all this time? There will be nothing left." It felt a lot like heartbreak.

Now I'm more jaded, have come to more of an acceptance of such things, (and maybe I have more things that I love now?) but earlier this year I felt a renewal of such depressing fears when I had both throat and eye issues at the same time—what the hell would I do if I lost both my voice and eyesight??? Literally what could I do with my life? 😭 Because of all these issues I've been taking a long break from youtube hobbies, since I can't sing/rap nor stare at a computer long enough to work on mixing, animating, or video editing for fun. Eyes are reserved for my full-time job so that I can eat good food. But I'm on medications for all these things and making a recovery slowly!

-

So that's what goes on in my mind, I'm sorry for the depressing post ... This wasn't meant to be a New Years-related blog, but now that we're here I want to hope that this next year will bring much improved health all around. To anyone who may read this, first of all thank you for sticking around and please take care of your health too! Remember not to push yourself too much; be kind to yourself and know that we all have limits for a reason. Be safe and have a blessed New Years!! ❤️

[Photo Log] Didneyrand ! ! ✨

[Once again the thing happened where I began writing a post in reasonable time after the described events, got busy, and let it collect dust..... Picking this up again after a month!]

Last week (as of November 27th lol) chiisa and I took a little trip to LA to spend time with one of our closest friends that had moved away a few months prior. ;u; My first time traveling since 2019!! It was super fun, though exhausting, especially with all the walking and not sleeping enough, and it was great to have a proper break from work which evidently only traveling can supply.

We decided to spend a day at Disney's California Adventure to check out the new offerings! 🤟 Since Disneyland in LA is separated into two parks (each requiring their own tickets) and one has the new Star Wars-themed area while the other has Marvel, it was a hard choice between the two but I looooove the MCU — so Avengers Campus was the winner!

It was interesting(?) to travel and attend a theme park during a pandemic; it certainly always kept me on my toes. Fortunately, chiisa and I were able to get our vaccine boosters before the trip and I tried to still social distance from non-friends but a few instances made it difficult and the plane was so uncomfortable?! At least it was somewhat of a comfort that Disneyland was very strict about everyone being masked anytime they were indoors—the attendants were vigilant about this rule with constant reminders, though they didn't do anything to encourage social distancing...

It was not intentional that I happened to have red-ish colored hair like my favorite Disney Princess but it worked out for the best 😆 This crop top sweater was a gift from chiisa and I was also wearing seashell earrings and a hairclip with Ariel on it! All the Little Mermaid paraphernalia ehehe

Check out how cute chiisa's Winnie the Pooh headband is 🥺

The rock-like object (unfortunately not Rock-kun) that she's holding is a... raspberry-flavored cream puff being touted as a Guardians of the Galaxy .. space rock?! orb?? It was surprisingly really yummy!

Shabondama 🧼🎸

A few weeks ago this collab with a bunch of friends came out!! It's of "Shabondama" by Morning Musume and I go way, way, way back with both this song and most of the others in the singing cast! Cinna (WHAT A TALENTED PERSON) I met recently in the group chat for this collaboration but Aerin, k, chiisana, and Samu I've known for years and years—we spent our youths covering Hello!Project songs!

"Shabondama" is an iconic track that I participated in covers of way back when I was a wee middle schooler and to this day often comes up in karaoke sessions when there are H!P fans present. Such a fun, angry, sassy, energetic song. And then Cinna did a rock arrange remix of it and cranked it up to 11 🔥🔥🔥 The instrumental and mix are incredible!

The video is so, so cool. The stylization of both the illustrations and the motion graphics work perfectly — and it's vibrant and badass and artful. Bless Jerry and Hibi's talents, and also Aerin for bringing together such a strong team :>

Personally I gotta confess I'm not happy with my singing in this, but that how it be... I just kinda zone out every time my solos come around haha..... I recorded it at a time when I was struggling with my recording circumstances and barely squeezed it in. At that point we were also working with a placeholder instrumental so I feel like I didn't bring enough aggression and drama to match Cinna's amazing remix and the others' powerful vocals T__T There's no point in regretting too much though, since I've been on vocal rest/recovery and wouldn't have been able to rerecord anyway. At least there's plenty of other aspects to enjoy 💕

(Edit: For some reason the embed is broken... youtube pls- it is linked below!)

【6人合唱】 モーニング娘。(Morning Musume ) - シャボン玉 (Shabondama) 【Rock Cover】

Cover Credits~ ⬇️

Post 1 of 6 (jk... unless?)

My blog count for this year was absolutely abysmal, oh man... 😆

Time to put up 6 posts in the next two days so I can at least surpass 2017, right?

red~

as once said by iz*one in their song La Vie en Rose...

"red~"

~

Oops I meant to post this like 2 weeks ago :D;; It's actually not this red anymore since these were snapped right after the session and there was still residual dye that hadn't been fully washed off. After a few shampoos, it's become a nice reddish brown which was what I wanted!

Haven't dyed my hair since 2018; it felt like the right time for a fun change! About the end of October I finished up another one of those STEM youth events where our whole team works super long hours for a whole week—plus I think I worked 10 days in a row...—and on my first day off I needed 1) a refreshening, and 2) something to distract myself with that did not involve looking at digital screens. So I stood in the bathroom for like two hours and tried to use a red box dye that made ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE LOL.

You must understand though why I was tempted to buy this box dye a couple years back—it's so cute yet so disappointingly ineffective (as are many things). Afterwards I asked a friend who works at a salon to help dye it for real and practically made her choke in anger with the story about my box dye attempt oops lolololol...

Back to the screens thing, my eye health has taken a significant hit from the pandemic lifestyle and working from home. My desk is set up in front of a wall so while I'm working all day, my eyes don't get much of a change of pace—whereas when I was in the office I would often look up at coworkers, look out the window. Simply too much time is spent staring at monitors and I rely on them to get my work done and also communicate/spend time with friends, so in the end what had to get sacrificed was working on hobby projects (and blogging). 😭 Shame that so much of my life is done on devices. Eye strain is a struggle.

Since then I had a few eye exams and scans done, got new glasses at higher prescription, trying out having a second pair dedicated to computer use, and started medicated eye drops and a compress treatment for my dry eyes! Hoping that all this helps 🤞🤞

New glasses, new look, feels very different, hate how much they shrink my eyes ?!?!

The Reunion

I began writing this on August 22nd, the day after the described events, and very slowly continued it from October 5th!

When I found this draft, I so regretted that I didn't finish the post right away because I'm sure that what I'm able to convey now months later is drastically distanced from the feelings I had at that time. Sad to say I actually didn't even remember writing most of that draft—it took a while to jog my memory and put myself back in those shoes...... I wonder what else I would have written then.. 😭


---

August 22nd, 2021:

Hi! It feels like it's been a long time since I wrote a truly personal post like this... To be frank, I don't look forward to writing it 😅 but what just passed is such a huge milestone and frequent occupant of my thoughts for the past two months—I think future me will thank myself for leaving this entry in the diary.

I........
I went to my high school 10 year reunion!!! Wild, I know!!

(fun fact: i got clip-on bangs—ye that's not my real hair—just for this bc of a bad haircut lol)

How was I comfortable going to an event during a pandemic, you ask? The venue is huge and not many RSVP'ed. Vaccination is almost universally supported locally and there is a mask mandate for public indoor places, of which the organizer sent a reminder beforehand—you're supposed to wear a mask except when eating or drinking. I went trusting that people were responsible and now I wonder if I'm too naive...? It began with everyone masked 'til eventually just me. Disappointing and scary. ><

(Edit: Though I tried to be safe, out of paranoia I also took a COVID test a couple days afterwards... and I was pretty mad about it so those peeps are damn lucky I tested negative. 😤)

o/

It's been so long since I updated... 😭 I saw a few relics that reminded me of things that—at some point or another in time—were all that I could think about. They defined a mini era in my life! And I so wish I sat down and wrote words about them.

I think I tend to feel pressured to make sure those posts are comprehensive and covers everything on the topic with perfect, thoughtful expression..... In retrospect, I would have preferred having jotted something messy than nothing at all. Weirdly haven't been in the mood for writing anything long-form or serious lately ;o;

For the past 2+ months I've been living much more carefree and not spending much time on my productive hobbies or thinking too hard about anything I suppose haha. My work-life balance is much improved and I'm recovered from burnout! Having much more free time felt glorious and I fully enjoyed using it to play more games, make memories with friends, and spend my time in a more relaxed way that's not always motivated by deadlines. It's been a nice summer!

However I do hope I get bitten by the blogging bug sometime - I also enjoy having posts to look back on... So many thoughts and feelings I wish I could have the power of revisiting 🥲

B-Bring the Sand Out! ⏳🌹

Something that I can't help but feel is rather sad is that some singing collaborations I'm in are no longer up on YouTube; I just found out today that this happened to a few with a group I'm very fond and grateful to have been part of—and it prompted me to go download a bunch of collab videos for my own safe keeping SDFKSDKJ YouTube is not a trustworthy archive.. 😭 (Though I understand that for certain people it's a matter of safety and identity protection to remove those videos from the public eye..)

It made me extra glad that I update my blog with all my uploads and collabs, so that I'll always have my own proof that each of these steps of my journey happened and that mark in the sand will never go away. I like that I can leave my feelings here about all the stuff I helped create and/or watched being created, and the lovely people that I've worked with, and I can feel assured that those memories are somewhat preserved.

Anyway, yeyeyey I was in a couple of new collabs that came out recently! ⭐️

---

This one is so, so special. I think it's the first of its kind in the youtaite community and I can't get over how cool of an idea it is.

pKotetsu/Justin brought together all of the CB groups he's been in by inviting a representative from each—and I had the honor of representing DREAM✦SCAPE (our group from ACB2) which he animated for along with Shippa! It's truly a celebration of the friendships and amazing works created throughout the years. 🥺 Justin has been behind so many legendary groups in CB history; the nostalgia really just hits you in the face!!!

In my opinion this might just be the greatest homage that the ytt community has seen thus far. It's filled to the brim with detailed and thoughtful references to all of these beloved projects—Justin seriously outdid himself in carefully crafting this video with love and it's visually gorgeous too. ;u; The animation is perfect... Justin is so damn talented flawlessly executing all these different styles and making the entire video flow.

For me, the DREAM✦SCAPE references during my solo hit particularly hard. The birds and feathers are a clear callback to our What video, as not only the motif that came up during the scenes when I sang........but also they were significant in the part that I actually animated myself!! The rap part from 2:23 to 2:35 was put into motion by me using the assets, aesthetics, and scene set-up that Justin and Shippa already made so I can't take credit for too much but HONESTLY.....I'M REALLY REALLY PROUD OF IT TO THIS DAY.......

Additionally there are callbacks to The Sky Falls, in which my character is portrayed standing in front of a wall with moving images projected on it. :D :D :D It's also this exact CB entry that inspired me to utilize a projector for the uh....rock band music video that I directed....heheheh 💦

Personally I'm not a fan of how I sound on this song tbh but it's a privilege to have been drawn by Chisacha, mixed by Vuvu, and tuned by azuma! I've looked up to all of their work for years and had never been under their care like this before. /o/ And the instrumental by immanuelbear is impeccable—I always forget that it's not official! Also I helped with timing the vocals :D Enjoy!

【pKollaboration】Sands of Time (BACK-ON)【Cover】

        Movie & Director: pKotetsu

        ⏳   VOCALS 

        azuma (https://www.youtube.com/azumatou) @azuma_tou

        datenkou (https://www.youtube.com/user/datenko) @datenkou

        Eva (https://www.youtube.com/user/waterpixieva) @waterpixieva

        Mera (https://www.youtube.com/user/merakichii) @merakichii

        minty+ (@furisou)

        NOKIE (https://www.youtube.com/user/TBNOKiE) @TBNOKiE

        pKotetsu (https://www.youtube.com/user/pKotetsu) @pKotetsu

        Vulkain (https://www.youtube.com/user/pyrovulcain) @PyroVulkain

        ⏳   AUDIO

        Vulkain (Mastering & Vocal Mix)

        azuma (Vocal Tuning)

        Eva (Vocal Timing)

        ⏳   ART 

        Chisacha (chisacha.deviantart.com) @chisasasacha 

        ⏳    MISC

        Instrumental: bear (https://www.youtube.com/user/groovebearr) @immanuelbear

        Original: BACK-ON

---

This collab came out last month and I hadn't gotten to sit down to write a blog oops 💦

My friend David Guthrie did a smashing rock remix of SNSD's The Boys and invited this ~dream team~ cast of absolute queens to sing on it! At the time I got this invitation I had been turning down every collab due to feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities and my backlog, but the temptation was too strong here... 😫 I admire everyone in this cast and would've kicked myself for letting go of the opportunity to play among the stars.

It was so much fun that we all recorded facecams while trying to adhere to a similar color scheme! I loved seeing the others rock out and enjoy themselves, which can't really be expressed in the same way with the typical animated PV. ;u;

Fun fact: chiisa and I actually covered this song in English before many many years ago as part of Gemini ............with parody lyrics that we wrote...... It's called "The Trolls" since our member Jeffrey (who was a SONE) was always associated with trolls and pranks loooool. Both chiisa and I only retained the lyrics from that rendition and were like, "Oh that's what the actual English lyrics are?!" while recording for this collab. I can tell you're looking at me, why're you such a creep? Any closer and you'll be dead meat~

The Boys (Girls' Generation) ENGLISH ROCK Vocal/Guitar Cover

        Re-arranged, produced, performed on guitar, mixed, and mastered by David Guthrie:
        https://www.youtube.com/DavidGuthrie

        Angela: https://www.youtube.com/user/kamisamaangela

        chiisana: https://www.youtube.com/user/chiisanachanx3

        Eva: https://www.youtube.com/user/waterpixieva

        Un3h: https://www.youtube.com/user/Un3hcorn

        Ying: https://www.youtube.com/user/Lyrratic

It takes two to tango~

Um, life has been exploding so there’s tons to catch up on, but for now here's a baby step of an update........!

After my Ganyu and Hu Tao fandubs, the next Genshin Impact character I was interested in trying to voice act as was Eula! There's plenty about her for me to like—from her design, to being an ice element knight, her solemnly satirical personality, her regality yet rejection of it, her tallness and subsequent cosplayability lol—however the thing that immediately drew me to her was that she’s voiced by Asian-American VA Suzie Yeung who also plays Yuffie in FF7R!!!

It may be because I’m not too familiar with the VA scene but I only know of a couple of Asian-American voice actresses… And within Genshin’s large sprawling English cast, I believe there’s only one actress who's of South Asian ethnicity—and then Suzie Yeung makes the first East Asian actress in the lineup! Honestly pretty disappointing considering Genshin relies heavily on Chinese and Japanese culture, but yay Suzie!!

She does such an amazing job too; I love love love her voice and what she breathes into Eula at a delicate balance of the character's different facets. It’s such an inspiration to me, as an East Asian-American who’s only recently starting to learn that my speaking can be valid too. The very moment I learned of Suzie’s casting, before any teasers had been released, I decided that I must attempt a fandub of something hahaha.

Initially tried part of her tavern scene but it was much too hard to pull off the right feeling and tone.. Of course there’s going to be a gigantic skill gap between me and a professional, but still loads of respect for all that Suzie can do that I struggle with m(_ _)m

The change of plans turned out to be a blessing because I landed on doing the scene that features Amber and was able to pull in chiisana to be my partner 💕💕 Blessed by the cutie goddess!!! I knew she’d be perfect because she’s always done fandubs as Tohru from Fruits Basket and the new Tohru seiyuu in the reboot also voices Amber, so it all comes full circle hehehe.

"it takes two to tango" 💃💃

Eula ⬩ @waterpixieva
Amber ⬩ @chiisanauta

another little #GenshinImpact fandub :D pic.twitter.com/ULel2SDiyA

— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) June 26, 2021

 (YT mirror)

😫 Isn’t chiisa just the cutest…!! Doesn’t she make you want to sweep her off her feet..?! Nothing against the way Amber's ENG VA portrays her, but I think chiisa does an amazing take on Amber that's reminiscent of Manaka Iwami's preciousness.

Personally I don't think I'm able to represent the different facets to Eula well yet—I played her rather straightforwardly but wasn't happy with any of my redo attempts to introduce her hint of sarcasm/irony....... Still, I think this is my fandub I've been proudest of so far. :) I genuinely really enjoy it and the dynamic between me and chiisa in this! It's satisfying how I don't sound anything like my normal way of speaking and feels as if I was able to transform into someone else while shedding a lot of my accent. The progress that I've made is showing ^^

Also. . . . bloopers.

real quick post before i head to bed I'M SCREAMING

today has been a DAY.

the music video finally comes out this sunday :') premiering at their virtual performance at AX!!

finally everyone can hear how much of a bop this song is!!!! it's so good!!

i have been stewing in anxiety for weeks months the past year and a half. i am anxiety itself i'm so nervous for people to watch my work because i know expectations are high hhhhh

Our newest single "RAIN" is almost here! Don't miss the music video premiere and our virtual performance on @AnimeExpo Lite this Sunday, July 4! pic.twitter.com/L5ydQvnZ8O

— Phoenix Ash Official (@phoenixashmusic) June 29, 2021

 

Edit: It's outttttt https://youtu.be/MH0a9bcPcMw

I'll probably make a youtube video where I talk more about it. ;v;

let's sing a song!!

This began as an edit of my last post but I decided to give it its own post so that I can embed the video and gush a little more than just a tiny paragraph!!

Bestest girl Chiisana also posted her own singing video for #WailingWednesday, I love!!! Again, the prompt for this week is "What is a song that inspired you to sing, either when you started singing, or when you were in a slump?" and we're meant to post singing that isn't edited/mixed.

A bit late but... 🎵Let's sing a song~!🎵

my first ever YT video was a fandub of Mitsuki singing New Future acapella in ep 1 of Full Moon wo Sagashite QvQ this song is still very near and dear to my heart and started my youtube singing journey..!#WailingWednesday pic.twitter.com/3kf0bl5Jnk

— chiisana (@chiisanauta) June 10, 2021

Chiisa sang "New Future" from Full Moon wo Sagashite and aaaaaaa her singing is so gorgeous, as it's always been. 🥺 This is a song that I also grew up with and enjoy singing—and it makes sense considering that it was around this time when the two of us crossed the stars and met....watching each other's youtube videos...because we had the exact same taste in anime and music. 😭😭 I still clearly remember her Full Moon covers from back then and how she would switch from singing/speaking in Mitsuki's soft voice to Full Moon's more mature, rich, beautiful, heavenly voice—she would do both so perfectly and I was smitten. Throughout the years I've looked up to all of chiisa's singing (like endlessly lol) but I definitely vividly remember being stunned by her Full Moon covers in particular early on. ;u; It's so gratifying to get to hear her sing this song again in her even more leveled-up goddess form! She was always a huge inspiration for me and still is 💕💕

If you couldn't surmise already, it's been incredibly heartwarming to revisit all of these nostalgic memories/songs/meaningful stories and now I have to go apologize to chiisa for writing something that will probably heeeeellla embarrass her, sorry not sorry-----

PS: aaaa this makes me want to sing something from Full Moon again too ;u; There were so many good songs from that show that I still listen to!!

For Fruits Basket ~2021~

mini cover for #WailingWednesday~

the first time i uploaded my singing on youtube was "For Fruits Basket" back in middle school 💙

🎨 by https://t.co/sEm0VkgaCo
(skeb bday present from Velvet!!!) pic.twitter.com/wadJvqbNxB

— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) June 10, 2021

(mp3 if embed breaks) 

I sang a quick thing!!!! Of "For Fruits Basket" which was the first cover I ever posted to youtube back in 2006—and I've covered it a few times since then but not in many years. :')

This came about for these reasons...

1.) Dear friendo Velvet gifted me this super beautiful art by opp_grr for my birthday and I've been looking for a good excuse to post or use it somehow 😭 Feels weird to post it as a standalone tweet since I'm not the artist, idk? I'm really glad it can finally be seen by people!!! So pretty; I'm not worthy!!!!

2.) #WailingWednesday is a new trend that just started last week! It's fun to hear more of others' singing and also learn about them through their choices and read their stories—for example, this week's prompt is "What is a song that inspired you to sing, either when you started singing, or when you were in a slump?" and I've discovered a few people who sang Mermaid Melody!!

The goal for #WailingWednesday is for everyone to show their singing without mixing/editing—that's why it doesn't sound as polished as a proper cover—a lot of people did one shots but I had to do two separate takes for the first half and second half of the song because breathing is HARD.... 😭

3.) I love me my throwback songs and had also considered Mermaid Melody, Cardcaptor Sakura, Tsubasa Chronicle....... But decided on this in the end because the currently airing Fruits Basket reboot anime owns my soul.. q__q All my feels every week 💞💘💕💓

(me too ;u;)

It's crazy how in middle school I'd watch the Furuba anime and fangirl over it and sing this song.......... and now 15 years later WHAT'S CHANGED??

HAS ANYTHING CHANGED????????

NO! I'M IN A TIME LOOP OF FURUBA.

I love this anime so much and am grateful that it's been airing every spring/summer for the past 3 years~ (happy sigh ;u;) Kind of sad that there's only three episodes left and then no more new Fruits Basket again forever. This show has given us so much sweetness, pain, tears, laughs, comedic excellence, soft moments, fucked up shit, more pain, so much pain... it broke our hearts... it warmed our hearts...... I love that even though the original anime is so iconic, they still gave it the time and thoughtful attention in telling the full story of the manga through 3 new seasons—and I will probably hold both shows close to my chest always. :')

This last one is maybe spoilers from the latest episode but I'M 😭 DEAD !!!

i love kyo........ i love kyo and tohru together

Replay 💗

Oops I once again fell into that mentality of "I already have Twitter for light posts so I need something more substantial to write blogs;" "If I update my blog, I ought to address those heavier topics that have been on my mind;" which ends up uh..... gatekeeping myself from my own blog? lololol Something the other day reminded me that I still greatly cherish my blog—that I'd like to continue keeping it for a long time and that it can absolutely be my comfy space to post random, unimportant, lighthearted shit and rambles and whatever :D

Years ago I used to often post about my celebrity crushes so I've come here to say!!!!

Help, I fell in love with two people this week. o<-<

First is the person that inspired this post! Voice actor & singer Irino Miyu is someone I've admired ever since Syaoran from Tsubasa Chronicle became my favorite anime character when I was in middle school—and I highly regret not closely following his career all these years.....

During Anime Expo in 2017, I got to attend his panel and had glowing things to say about him ;;;U;;; Though a confession: somehow I completely forgot I went and thought I imagined it lmao.... I just find it hard to believe that I was able to get into the panel—how long did I line up for?! I actually saw Irino Miyu himself in person!? And did I really go by myself ? ! ? Chiisa figured out the reason for this was because she was in Japan that year and not at AX which explains soooo much--- (also I hella laughed at this)

In catching up with Irino Miyu I discovered a few things that made my heart very happy . . .

First of all is that he still updates his blog..!! T__T 💕💕💕 The one that he's had since 2009!! I really admire when people stick to things for a long time, even if slowly but steadily. This alone has revitalized me and sealed this man into my good favor.

Secondly is that he's still been releasing music!! He's so damn talented—I did the math and it blows my minddddd that he was only 17 years old when he voiced Syaoran and not only was he an incredible seiyuu but also already a great singer even back then 😭💚 In 2020, he put out a full-length album titled "Life is..." that he says he poured his entire heart into and even wrote lyrics for a few songs! I love love love that he's still passionate about creating his art and music and everything he does feels so personal.

Crossfade for 「Life is...」

(the entire album can be listened to here!)

My favorite tracks in this album are probably "SKY" and "Alive" which are midtempo songs that touch your heart and tell you that you're not alone—and also "確かにそうだ" which is the energetic feel-good title track!

I think though my personal favorite of his music so far might be his "DARE TO DREAM" 2016 full-length album which is almost entirely upbeat with a lot of pop-rock and super enjoyable to listen to! This review describes its perfection perfectly. ✨

For a heartwrenching ballad, there's "誰からも愛されるあなたのように" from 2019 mini-album "Live Your Dream." It's sung beautifully and the bittersweet meaning stirs my heart. T__T Miyu's falsetto and vibrato are so pretty here....

🎵🎶

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The other person I fell for this past week was the goddess Miyeon from girl group (G)I-DLE. 🥺💗 Her appearance in BTOB's amazing (& hilarious) performance of "Blue Moon" on Kingdom was gorgeous and I was curious about her chemistry with SF9's Hwiyoung in their web-drama REPLAY so started casually watching it.... and it was a cute and enjoyable little show! Short, sweet, and fun without dragging out the frustrating aspects ;u; Expectations were low because web-dramas do tend to be low budget and campy but it certainly exceeded them—I was pretty impressed by the cast's chemistry and acting, especially considering most of them are newbies.

Since I love K/DA and casually like (G)I-dle, I was always aware that Miyeon was pretty and had a nice voice but now after spending a series with her . . . . . see, it almost always feels rather unrealistic in dramas when all the characters act like a certain character is the center of the universe and they're just so outstandingly stunning and irresistibly charming that they're fought over and everyone in class/on the street stops to look at them and flowers appear when they smile 🌸. . . . . . . .

But with Miyeon, I believe it. What a face. What a nose.

Seriously, I've never seen anything like her nose before and apparently it can't even be achieved through plastic surgery T__T This girl was born to be a celebrity. All of her features are so pretty and I adore her dimples too.

But .. but no, she doesn't stop at just being visually astounding and having a great personality and sense of humor... She took on a new challenge of acting and is doing a wonderful job at it..... AND SHE'S THE MAIN VOCAL OF HER GROUP AAAAAA. SUCH GOALS.

Her OST "Dreaming About You" for the web-drama is so pretty TT I love how sweet & angelic her voice is here... Her timbre has such a nice texture and she emotes with her voice flawlessly. It's perfect.

And to flex on her versatility, there's her appearance on King of Masked Singer where she sings with a much darker and richer tone which is soooo cool... How is she real ??? And of course she's the perfect Ahri in K/DA!! Goals. Goals goals goals goals

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SPEAKING OF K/DA, I've still been practicing the dance for "The Baddest" since last summer and I'm currently working on becoming more fit (I fell so out of shape and health orz) and would like to try filming some short dance covers soon !!

Actually as of this week I'm currently debating whether I want to attempt doing the dance while singing & rapping the song live too 😳 or just purely focus on getting the dance right since it's not like that's a strong point of mine. The former will take a lot more practice and time probably... But the fact that I can consider it is kind of amazing?! When I first began learning the song, my initial intention was to practice singing while dancing but because it was such a struggle I dropped the singing—and now I tried it and I think I can hold up better than before; I was pleasantly shocked...... idk!!!

poopy birbs

this happened the other day 🦜🦜 pic.twitter.com/JOJ61AFtPb

— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) May 20, 2021

[youtube]

To add more to the story, this actually happened on the day of Chiisana's birthday 😂..... It's why she mentions a "bird doodoo fiasco" in her tweet!

The birds appeared in my room while the mochi cake was baking and my mom (who helped me make it ^^) had to take it out of the oven and pack it up for me because I was like AAAA I HAVE TO WATCH TO TAKE NOTE OF ALL THE PLACES THEY MIGHT POOP AT. And yes I'm still cleaning it....

Twenty-eight

Posting a little late because I've been busy but I'm here with my yearly birthday post!! I turned 28 on May 2nd ^^ It certainly feels strange to have hit this age where you can now say I'm nearing 30 years old, but I think I've been mentally preparing myself for it and also able to embrace that............it doesn't mean anything. LOL

I've been "an adult" for long enough now that I'm okay with the responsibilities that come with that status—but also now I know that there are a lot of "requirements" that I don't need to check off in order to feel worthy of my stage in life. I'm always growing but I'm still perfectly incompetent at a lot of life skills and still have little interest in things larger than me! In the end it doesn't signify much. We're just all here on this planet to do what we can, and I just want to take care of myself and others.

Something that was significant to me about being 27 over the past year was that it was when I finally felt somewhat comfortable/more confident with presenting myself in varying styles, the biggest challenge being cute ones—and I'm really proud about this! It was liberating to be able to tell myself, "No you're not too old or too awkward to wear twintails; that's a dumb prejudice you've been having all this time. As long as you like wearing them then you're allowed to wear them until whatever age you want without judgment! It's okay to want to dress in a cute style! It's okay for people to perceive you as different things at different times!" ⭐️

This is something I've been wanting to break through since I was a teenager—when I already liked cute and feminine things but didn't feel that it was right for me to be that, because I was so tall and awkward and such a wallflower. And my parents would even often relate femininity with weakness; they'd tell me that I should dress more boyishly or plainly, act 'tough,' but don't stand out, so that nobody would want to target me when walking home from school by myself.. Sure, it's kind of a legitimate safety concern (freaking sad) but.... man it took more than a decade til I started being able to unlearn it.

Oh and one other thing that was special about 27!! Last summer I read Persuasion (1817) by my favorite author Jane Austen and the protagonist Anne is also 27 years old!! It was sooo refreshing to have a female young adult character on the older end—past the age that is typically romanticized for youth but before the mature beauty of the 30's. I loved how Anne is incredibly sweet and competent and takes wonderful care of others—it's why people can trust her but also end up taking advantage of her—and the story is about how she sheds her wallflower-ness to bloom again at the age of 27. And a second chance between her and her almost-fiancé-turned-stranger from years before! It's really a lovely story.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to finding out what will be special about 28. :3

I'M REALLY REALLY PROUD I ACTUALLY TOOK MY YEARLY "Birthday Girl" SHIRT PHOTO EARLY THIS TIME...??? Compared to past years when I didn't get it done til July.... November... A few days ago I did my hair, makeup, and nails to shoot a lipsync video for a collab so I took the chance to do this too!

It was my first time ever doing this little curl thing on my hair like this and I'm a fan of it. ✨ With a lot more practice, this may end up becoming my signature this year hahaha. I also ordered some midi/maxi skirts that are on the way, since I've been wanting to try wearing long skirts more; my fingers are crossed for them to be pretty and comfy!

Aa,,, this is the 14th year in a row that I've taken this mirror photo and... this is also the first time I felt brave enough to compile all of them into a collage. 💀 Or well, I had enough courage to do it and I'm happy that I've grown but still dying of embarrassment LOLOLOL byeeee--

Adventure Day! 🌱🍽 Photo Blog

Hello!! I went on an adventure today ☀️☀️ and want to re-live the full nostalgic experience of an adventure by blogging about it aaa

I'd like to write more about it later but basically for the past month I've been doing what I can to pull myself out of the lowest point of burnout I'd ever been through, and this week I finally, finally cleared my urgent work projects and felt comfortable taking time off from my job! It's my first time taking a proper break since September 2019 when I took a trip to Vancouver.....because even over the holidays I was always busy with big projects......and we're about to start another huge project in May.....so yeah...... I really fucking needed this.

My heart is so full. I wanted to go on an adventure for once—and not be holed up in my room anymore, spend time with a friend(s), be free from the shackles of computer monitors & eye strain headaches, emulate the excitement of travel without safety risks, and have so much fun that there was no room for me to worry about work or feel guilty about productivity—so badly... and we pretty much fulfilled all of that in one day and more. 💗 (tho i'll confess i did read and replied to one email which my boss chided me for lolololol ah i have a long way to go)

The day was spent with my friend Myst who—like myself—has had basically no risk of COVID exposure in over a week and we both live with our parents who are already vaccinated (+ we have a bit of immunity from our first doses), so we felt comfortable carpooling together and not socially distancing between us which was greatly refreshing. ;v;

For our adventure day we considered, let's see.... hiking (both of us: "nah"), a beachside city, or San Francisco... Both of the latter are about an hour's drive away and places we don't frequent but ultimately SF came out on top for the sole reason that it would have better food HAHAHAHAHA. And we happily continued with our philosophy of following our stomachs for the entire day! Literally my purpose in life to be honest!!!!!

And as we were driving home, we realized just how shocking it was the amount of experiences we had for a day with little plans... We had a lot of fun. :> I'd like to make myself remember that I was able to have a day full of so much enjoyment, tasty food, and good fortune and encounters—even as we're in a pandemic and after such a long period of. I don't even know how to describe it. Stress? Drought? Isolation? Bad vibes? Feeling unfulfilled? All of the above.

quarantine diary page 6

<< page 5

[ written from my phone so I have no idea what the formatting will be like oops! ]

Aaa I can now update this with really spectacular news—I was able to receive the first dose of a vaccine today!!

Here's me with the ice cream I treated myself to afterwards ehehe it's "spiced butterbeer" (a vague descriptor for cinnamon butterscotch) on a mochi egg puff waffle 🍦 T'was tasty but lord I forget how large the portions are; it's practically the size of my head lolol.

I really feel extremely privileged to be able to start my vaccination process so early. The rollout in many parts of the US has been strikingly impressive but the inequity that most other countries are facing in being unable to obtain vaccines is terrible—it's shocking to compare TT What I have right here is straight up privilege...

Originally we were hearing that vaccines would be available for everyone 16+ in California starting in May, which already came as jolting news to me... Then it was announced April 15th which is insane! My expectation was that I'd be unable to book anything until after the first mad rush was over, but suddenly (and quietly) my county opened their eligibility starting the 13th and a coworker luckily sent us links to a ton of open appointments so that's how I was able to get in much, much earlier than I expected..!!

And if that's not lucky enough, there's apparently an auditorium I've never heard of before that's only a couple miles down the road from where I live, that became a vaccination site?! I arrived expecting to wait in line for an hour like my coworker did a few days ago but there was no line..... It took a few minutes to fill out paperwork and then I waited another few minutes before a station was ready for me, then the deed was done and I was sent to a large room full of socially distanced chairs to be "observed" for 15 minutes lest I have an allergic reaction. Then I yeeted to get ice cream. So easy!!!!

Something I didn't expect to so greatly appreciate there was the energy—it was BANGIN'. The place was well-staffed and those near the entrance/exit would clap and cheer as if we were all heroes on an epic journey XD Everyone's spirit was high and since my appointment was near the end of their opening hours I often heard staff members asking each other how they were doing, offering support, and being like, "We got 3000 signed up for tomorrow, let's do this!!" Environment 10/10. Overall a great experience!

Admittedly my health hasn't been great recently (I've been trying to force myself to walk and exercise more to get back to better condition!) so I've honestly been nervous about how much the side effects will very likely wreak havoc on my rather already weak body. So far I'd say my arm is killing me but my left arm/shoulder have been killing me for months already so I'm expertly ignoring it. 😎 Also felt the sensation of menstrual cramps which is apparently a symptom that's little talked of.

Tomorrow is where the symptoms really unleash themselves so I have every expectation of idling away in bed with an irritating fever; hopefully it'll be somewhat painless but we'll see!!! 🤞 Take care!!

april fools ✨

thank you for 1.6k followers! :)

as promised, here's the first sneak peek at my #VTuber model 👀✨ pic.twitter.com/KCQ4z8XOGp

— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) April 2, 2021

Tag Me (@Me) #SingingMarch

【CHAOS x DREAM】 Tag Me (@Me) by Weeekly

WHAT A DREAM COLLABBBBB 👏 

Razzy organized this as a birthday chorus for Ryan—who is my longtime friend and fellow member of Gemini—and it includes the vocalists of DREAM✦SCAPE (aka the three girls of Gemini plus Aerin!) and vocalists from 「CHAOS」 which is an awesome, powerful group that I look up to. They were the winning group of FCCB back in 2015!

The result is just...pure.....girlgroup vocal supremacy.... It sounds so good.... D✦S and CHAOS girls have a TON of vocal chemistry in our own groups respectively—and when you put us together it's this amazing balance of sweet, powerful, sassy, and energetic voices. 💖🔥 And made all the better by THIS FABULOUS MIX..!!! So impressed with Naya's work! I want to know all the secrets behind being able to produce a pop cover that sounds this polished and professional.

And how fun is the video...!! It's such a ride and I'll never get over how clever it is to emulate the line distribution videos that Ryan enjoys watching. Oh and we did a secret, last-minute premiere to watch it with Ryan for the first time and that wAS WILD. I had to be the one to be like, "hey are you online rn!! oh tHANK GOD.. can you help me with something? i need you to help check this link for me" ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️ while sweating bullets hahahaha;;; We had a lot of the singers gathered already and the premiere had to be set for a specific time so....if Ryan was not available at that exact time, we would've had to reschedule it but also couldn't reveal it to him too far in advance. Anyway it all worked out perfectly for a delightful surprise. :>

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A fun trend happening this month is #SingingMarch which is a set of daily prompts created by @KerriSama. Lots of my friends have been participating! Including my good friend KT who, for day 6's "Duet" theme, took the opportunity to add to the recording of "Koi wa Nandarou" that I did last year YEEESSSSSSSSSS. Both of us were in the Mermaid Melody cover scene back in 2007 but somehow never overlapped until years later after that culture submerged—ha, get it.

Impromtu duettttt 🥺 KT's lovely singing puts mine to shame (cringing) but I'm sooo happy for both the existence of this and to see any resurgence of Mermaid Melody hehehe

day 6 of #singingmarch - duet!!!

eva sent me this gem a few days ago so i shamelessly sang over it (:
(she sounds like a real idol tho go sing with her too)

koi wa nandarou from mermaid melody!! https://t.co/pYxRXbzlO4 pic.twitter.com/zZBLmFojef

— KT (@katieheehee) March 7, 2021

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As for me, I've only participated in #SingingMarch once so far—it was maybe 2 or 3 AM one night when I'd already been irresponsibly staying up late and decided to indulge in my spontaneous idea of recording a certain song for the "From before the 2000's" prompt, furthering my irresponsibility. (So irresponsible.)

The song choice I don't believe anyone on this planet could have predicted hehehe it's "Desperado" by The Eagles (1973) with the arrangement that Pristin's Sungyeon sang on the show Girl Spirit and dedicated to her grandmother! I loveeee her rendition to bits and always sing along to it in the car by myself. Typically I don't care much for oldies or country so this is an exceptional sort of outlier. I really enjoyed all the emotions I was able to pour into it!

🎤 [ TWEET / GDRIVE ] 🎤

waterpixieVA (but not actually)

NO I DON't dare smear the name of actual VA's by claiming to be one--- dksjkfj

Fun fact: when my first youtube account 'waterpixie' was suspended and I came back as 'waterpixieva,' there was a bit of confusion about whether it was meant to indicate that I was going into voice acting but nope it's just my name. 😅

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I've been having a lot of fun doing a couple of spontaneous small projects in between my larger ones now that I have a break from urgent matters... like, a lot of fun. I always struggle with motivation so I think I really am the happiest when I have these little rare moments filled with sparks of inspiration ✨—and it's so gratifying to get to jump right in and see that passion through. Plus they're less pressure and actually get done quickly so I can move on before it has the opportunity to burn me out LOLOL

In January, I did a Genshin fandub clip with myself as Ganyu and my wonderful, precious friends Mimi as Paimon and Chiisana as Lumine—and I wrote a bit about what influenced me to gather the courage to record it, how unconfident I was about the whole thing, how I almost scrapped it...

To be frank I've always hated my speaking and while I like making vlogs I can never bear to rewatch them with sound on hahaha. I especially loathe my accent and my muddled, slurred way of enunciation. Admittedly it's been on my mind more lately as I watch my friends dive into the world of streaming which I dare not touch. But I've been finding that when I "voice act" ... it's like I can turn on a switch and make my timbre more bearable and hone in on improving my enunciation—and also redo it over and over and edit as I see fit. Then I don't hate my speaking as much! And recently after seeing how Khoi Dao has embraced his accent, it's made me feel like maybe it's not such an evil!!

Posting that clip, talking with my friends, and receiving an unexpectedly insane amount of compliments??????????? @___@ really gave me a huge confident boost.... Might I even say it was life-changing HAHAHA. Now I have a new little hobby that I enjoy doing and am working at improving in ;u; And you know what: I didn't realize until this very moment that it makes sense given that my favorite thing about singing is expressing emotions so this isn't too far off!

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A week ago after clearing some obligations, I treated myself to trying out part of Ganyu's character teaser which I've really liked since it came out 🥰 Interestingly, all of Ganyu's four VA's in different languages had varying approaches to the joke at the end but I was especially stirred by the Japanese version with Ueda Reina—I just adore how she goes from pensive [bait] to playful while being soft and sweet and a little awkward!

(I also attempted the Paimon line—which btw is supposed to be "no way!"—though I can't quite yet produce a suitable Paimon timbre heheh)

i love Ganyu's character teaser so another quick VA attempt ❄🌙

(may or may not have improvised paimon's line heh)

would u,,,, accompany me/// pic.twitter.com/Wk7z4uSGMN

— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) February 21, 2021

[YT mirror]

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And then two days ago Genshin released the official first look at Hu Tao and IMMEDIATELY I WAS TAKEN IN BY HER ENGLISH VOICE.... Her voices in all languages are delightful !! and tHE CHEEKY DARK HUMOR......... Homegurl is the director of a funeral parlor joking about the death rate of adventurers and offering us discounts 💀

I thought I'd just try it out because there's a lot of room to play with inflections and then before I knew it, I was seriously working at it and having a lot of fun..! It was much, much harder than the Ganyu clips ahah. Also my past two attempts left a lot of regrets over my pronunciation which I've been trying to work on so I'm much more pleased with how I did here. Kinda proud! I do think I'm missing something in the timbre to suit Hu Tao but overall surprised myself by exceeding my own expectations!!! ⭐️⭐️

apparently i'm a genshin fandub acct now- 👻

i tried out hu tao's lines!! i love her voice in every language so far omg she's so fun pic.twitter.com/fIbl2V6c7m

— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) February 27, 2021

[YT mirror]

(the gremlin snickering isn't part of the original script; it just kinda came out... hurhurhrurhur)

yeah, I'm a Born Hater

Epik High's new album inspired me to dig up my rendition of "Born Hater" that i never posted.

i wrote and rapped this in 2014 when i was a film student angst'ing against pressure to change majors. anyway i work in video production now & it's going gr8 😊

warning cuss words !!

(yes it's just the same text copy and pasted from my tweet—just b/c I always feel like the embed is on the verge of breaking or in case my twt account ever goes down LOL)

Epik High's new album inspired me to dig up my rendition of "Born Hater" that i never posted.

i wrote and rapped this in 2014 when i was a film student angst'ing against pressure to change majors. anyway i work in video production now & it's going gr8 😊

warning cuss words !! pic.twitter.com/6wHYyr2mTW

— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) January 21, 2021

[YT link]

Honestly surprised at myself for never posting this all these years... If I'm remembering correctly I think I wrote this before Epik High announced their Born Hater cover contest—and then aaalllll the cool rappers started posting their versions and I got intimidated HAHA. It's a bit cringy but I'm embracing it as part of my story. :3 Still would likely consider it better writing than what I can do now!

Lyrics:

Gemini [gals] Impact

SCREAMS this wasn't on the agenda aT ALL but ..... instead of sleeping at a responsible time last night I was spontaneously inspired to try voice acting. As Ganyu, the new ice archer chara that just came out in Genshin Impact! Lolol leading up to her release, I somehow had very little interest in her but the more I got to know her.... who am I kidding, she's an ice archer—I was never meant to stand a chance. 🥺 She's also kind and hardworking and wise and beautiful...

After playing her story quest, I fell in love with her Japanese seiyuu's soft, sweet voice so I thought it could be fun to try my own take of Ganyu in English ;v;.. It's surprising how different her Eng VA's approach is to her personality—it's more rigid, cold, and unapproachable. AND THEN AAA two of my closest friends mimi and chiisana agreed to record on a whim too! Honestly I have absolutely no aptitude for voice acting and almost scrapped this entirely before even asking them but mimi and chiisa are way, way too perfect for their parts so this feels extremely precious; I'm happy we did this. 😭 Thus the first yolo Gemini girls' fandub was born: 

quick little #GenshinImpact dub!
🧚🏻‍♀️⚜️❄️

paimon: @mimi_moiselle
lumine: @chiisanauta
ganyu: @waterpixieva pic.twitter.com/HRe6ZZXsce

— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) January 15, 2021

[YT link]

Also would like to give credit to Albedo's Eng voice actor Khoi Dao for being the inspiration that gave me the courage to try this ;; English is his third language and now he speaks it so well...!! Here a link to him talking about his journey with trying to fix and then learning to accept his accent. So awe-inspiring. I wish him every success and also he's super funny; I am a fan of this dude now.

PS: Wowow I get to make a "voice acting" label!! Also tagging "mixing" because this surprisingly took a lot of complex audio mix work 😳 A whole lot of EQ, multiband compression, and even frequency spectrogram work.. but I'm really pleased with how the mix came out considering it was my first time! I learned so much about VA even from this very short clip ehe

2021 New Year's Resolutions

At the start of 2020, for some possibly prophetic reason I didn't do my usual 100 resolutions because I didn't feel ready to set new goals for myself; though I wrote out 40 as "mid-year resolutions" in July!

It feels all too soon to have a whole new, long list of [silly to serious] ambitions but I'm determined to do this right now. 💦

I'm sure we've all already heard all the reasons last year was rough for everyone, but I think on top of everything there's been this unspoken layer of restraint when it comes to speaking honestly about or processing our mental health and personal progress outside of productivity? There certainly have been times when I was experiencing darkness but didn't feel that I ought to talk about it especially publicly, or burden others when they had plenty of 2020 darkness to deal with already, or even write it out it in my private diary as an outlet—and I try to be fairly expressive about these topics so I can't even imagine the extent that others have suppressed themselves. ;; "People are drawn to shiny, nice things that help them forget about their troubles so they won't like me if I talk about negative subjects" is a thought that I imagine has probably crossed many people's minds. I've seen so many people act as strong as they can while silently burning themselves out emotionally.

And I'll also confess this from my perspective as a youtaite while watching the vtuber migration through the year—seeing so many of my peers being celebrated for being a character has made me both worry about their fatigue while having to suppress the flawed sides to their humanity, and also wonder if I ought to do the same. But I've kinda realized that that's not me. I've publicly documented all my shortcomings since I was a child hahaha.

So with this list I hope to be a bit more open than I was in 2020 and signify that I'm gonna do my best to take better care of myself, be introspective, and try to healthily progress towards improving my wellbeing and whatever little goals I have! ;^;)9 More than anything, I want to focus on breaking some stubborn mental habits and reprogram my outlook to be less grim & more forgiving towards myself!