Food for Thought: The Growth of Creation and Creating to Grow

I've been thinking lately that man.. with my insecurities, moderate skill levels, and lack of inclination towards pursuing a specialty, I'm really glad that I was born into the generation that I was—to have been part of the pioneers of the developing era of internet-based hobbies. Specifically in the area of creating covers and the audio/video production involved in it!

People argue that those starting out now have it easier due to the accessibility of resources and tutorials that didn't exist when we were first learning everything on our own—but let's be real, it's really rough to be a newbie posting any sort of content online in a landscape that's already fairly developed and where people are trained to look at numbers..... It takes thick skin that I don't know if I would have but I respect others for having. x__x

It was such a drastically different time when I was first posting covers back in middle school and high school... Admittedly I never look at analytics because 🤢 but I just peeked at the view history for one of my covers from 2010—and it had 8k views in its first year and 6k in its second year!! That's a LOT considering it's not a good cover by any means LOL. It's very telling of how much I benefited back then purely from the novelty of not many covers existing at the time (and especially those that were somewhat mixed; I did earn myself that advantage at least!).

So much has changed.. Back then, online "fandom" hubs were much smaller and also younger in average, standards were low because this stuff hadn't been done for very long yet, and DIY production wasn't nearly as accessible or an object of most people's interest. Nowadays the entire internet is pushing the unhealthy stigma that if you're not a content creator yourself, you're falling behind 💀

It makes sense that with so many things being created and available, everyone's expectations raised exponentially. Song covers, I think, were particularly hit hard by the loss of novelty—and I'm sure all youtaite will attest to this TT... It was a hot topic for a while and it led to many people sharing threads and playlists of covers they liked, which was awesome! Personally I especially enjoyed this playlist by AKA which is full of underrated gems 😭 I don't understand how so many of these talented, charming singers haven't gotten the attention they definitely deserve...

I often hear and even catch myself thinking, "I miss the times when we could quickly throw together covers and upload often and just enjoy the simplicity of it all!"

The counter: "Well you can just stop caring about others' opinions/views/engagement and just do it anyway!"

And I'd say that for others but ahh.... The problem for me then becomes that my own justification isn't about validation and more that it's hard for me to let go of my self-inflicted expectations of what I want to create 😔 Especially since I've been doing this for so long, I'm less forgiving on myself than towards those less experienced and I would hate for anyone or for myself to think, "After all this time this is the best you can do?" ;; (I know it was a compliment but I was a little embarrassed when someone said that I deserved more subs for someone who's been at it for this many years..) And for me in particular, I was able to skirt by without being necessarily a good singer when standards were lower—though it was always the case that I made up for it by doing a lot of other things like rapping, mixing, animating, filming/editing videos—but now I don't know if I can go back to just singing and uploading it because it wouldn't be anything interesting ksdjfkfdsj Whenever I upload, I keep thinking that I want to show something near the best that my abilities have to offer and I do lament that it takes me so long to finish anything, especially big projects that I really want to put my all into and end up intimidating myself with. There are some ambitious [scary] things I still want to do... This mindset of chasing novelty and personal perfection is admittedly unhealthy hh.

Still I'm in a position where even if I'm not polished at any of them, at least I've learned the elementary basics of many skills—though I actually do want to venture into more dancing and try drawing again!—and have built a great network/community that would probably support me. 😭

I imagine that for those just starting out in singing/mixing/animating/etc it can be easily discouraging, especially when comparing themselves to those who are more experienced, and especially especially if they're young and impressionable and only know the current competitive climate of content creation (the CCC of CC!! goodbye)—they may likely end up dropping their pursuits before even getting a chance to grow which takes time.

The internet is full of more than a decades' worth of my scrappy, cringy, developing, budding attempts at doing Stuff and I think without them I wouldn't have made it to where I am on my path now! :>

Yet I wonder what would've happened if I were my younger self in the present timeline just learning things and if I would've been discouraged by own utter mediocrity..? I guess if I do go forward with trying to learn digital art as a complete newbie, we'll find out what happens there (I am very intimidated by this lolol and don't look forward to finding out how shitty I am at it and reconfirming what I already know about how I have no aptitude for artistry or aesthetics and how much effort it'll take for me to improve and whether I can expend that effort ☠️) ..

There's one more thing that I feel like I unfortunately have an advantage in, which is having grown up without caring about views or subs/followers—before the internet started preying this hard on creators who now can't help but measure their success in numbers. Especially when I look over into the vtubing sphere, I think it's amazing that a whole new hobby grew up out of the ground and is blooming and now this whole new generation gets to grow and learn with it! They get to be surrounded by everyone else who is also scuffing which is a natural thing! But oh man I do be concerned seeing how much the numbers game is affecting a lot of people and how much they take it personally TT I hope they can see that there's more to it than numbers imply.

The bottom line I guess is just that everyone regardless of experience could use more encouragement + patience and the reminder that growth takes time. Recently people's kind words gave me the courage to look back at some of my covers and it made me think: you know what, even if I don't bring the greatest skill or quality, I'm really really glad that I've made everything that I've made and that I try all the things that I try 💙

Guilt

Food for Thought: Social Producing

Here goes for the first time using dictation to blog on my smartphone. Trying to bypass slow and typo-laden mobile typing hehehe. 8D I'm sleepy so this is kinda rambly and nonstructural. Does this even count as food for thought idk

I had the realization today that learning more about being a producer (specifically for video shoots) has been a particularly big factor in shaping my social conduct. This comes in both observing my coworkers who are great producers--and even greater people--and in preparation/anticipation since my coworkers want me to eventually do producing too. It sounded scary at first because it's a social role, but now that I'm able to be more sociable and outgoing(?), the ideal traits of a producer have become something more of a goal.

A producer is someone that manages people. A responsible person that makes sure everyone has the information they need and has answers to questions, but is also firm as to assure things get done. Respectful to others and mindful of the balance between not being insulting and being honest. An accommodating person that cares that everyone is comfortable and not left out. Introductions are imperative--whether it's having the courtesy to always introduce yourself, or being sure that those around you have been introduced to each other rather than awkward confusion. Get to know your collaborators and don't be shy! It requires being a little fake tbh. Even if you're tired or frustrated, you have to learn to put that aside temporarily. Encourage others!

And it's important for a producer to express gratitude. :> Nothing should go unappreciated~

I think for a while already this was the kind of person that I wanted to be. But it was maybe hard to put into words or to sum up into one thing until now haha. I noticed it's really affected my attitude recently especially in working with people for singing collabs (ok more like being angry at disrespect and i just wanna scream at them TO ACT AS IF THEY HAD THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF A PRODUCER DAMMIT), but it also goes beyond work and I think should apply to social interaction in general.

So I think, even though I'm not particularly aiming to become a video producer, I want to be a producer-type of person? Ayyyy I've figured out my first real social model !!!

Let's see how I can learn to live by it uvu;; So strange that I'm mostly okay with talking to people now~

Food for Thought: To Be Special Without Specialty

Osuu~ ;u; The other day I was reading some old blog posts from 2-3 years ago, and it impelled in me some desire to blog but I'm not sure yet what I'm writing hmm THIS COULD BE A MESS. I think I've been realizing some things lately after spending more time in the scary "adult world" that I kind of wish I knew back then?

In October, we had a "creative meeting" at my video production job and one of my coworkers shared an excerpt from a book in which someone's giving a keynote about her success in her real estate work. The person talked about how she once wasn't doing very well even though she always followed the rules, treated business formally, and basically followed the script she was taught for what to say to clients. She was going to give up and decided to yolo her last job—was a lot more informal, more herself, got along well with her client, and didn't follow any script, and then she made an unexpected sale on the house. Her lesson was that anybody can follow a script or do a passable job. But to be a good salesperson, what you need to "sell" is yourself. What you bring to the table to any job is you—your character—what's unique about you and your experiences. No matter the job or product, people will want to work with you for you.

In October, I'm not sure if I believed it then.
I think now I do?

I've a stressful complex over the fact that I don't think I have any special skills. ;n; I don't regret choosing to be a Radio-TV-Film major but I don't feel like I learned all that much from school that TONS of hobbyists learn on their own or can learn online? I guess I studied video and audio production and I do it for a job, but I don't think I'm nearly as good as the kids that just do it for fun online. It's easy to see especially in this online singing community where I'm surrounded by people who make beautiful awesome videos or whose mixes sound like professionals' and I'm just like, omg I have nothing to show?? My aesthetic sense is crap??? My audio work is ok but not great?? Dude I've had way too many breakdowns over this LOLLL.
"Is there a place for somebody who is just "not bad" in a world that requires only the best? Can you survive as a jack of all trades but master of none when being the best requires specialty?
CAN I EVEN GET A JOB. WILL ANYONE EVEN TAKE ME FOR AN INTERNSHIP."

Mmmh not too much has changed and I still don't think I have special skills, but I think I'm learning that that doesn't mean I'm not special?

Last year I got the first and only internship that I interviewed for, which—YAY I worried for nothing—and I remember another intern was gossiping to me about our classmate who had also interviewed but wasn't accepted. Apparently our supervisor told her that she didn't choose that classmate not necessarily because of his skills, but because he didn't have the personal qualities she was looking for. The internship was for a community media center/cable TV studio and interns would be working with community members and/or sometimes filming outside events. She was looking for interns that seemed like warm, welcoming, smart people that could interact well with the community, since they'd be the frontrunners of the community center.

Back then I didn't think much of it more than "HAH SUX 4 HIM" but now this is totally relevant to my recent revelations!!!

My coworker at my video production job told me the other day about a client who came to us asking for a video but had a small budget and tight deadline, so we had to say no. Later on, the same client came back to us all, "Ayyy I was able to get more money and more time PLS LETS MAKE VIDEO~~" (in more professional terms) so apparently some people will even come up with a bigger budget just to be able to work with our company OAO! Which I think makes sense because really my coworkers are incredibly wonderful, fun, yet professional people! They got so much good feedback from the last business trip we went on and well deserved ;U; We're being invited back next year to do more stuff, and the team that one coworker was leading was like, "We'll come back as long as we're working with ___ again! He's pleasant but he gets things done," which is awwwasdfllksfd ;u; It's pretty inspirational working alongside them. 

This will sound rly weird and conceited but I'm just gonna be totally honest LOL but my bosses really like me?! and I never understood why and couldn't fully believe in it either because tbh I do quite a variety of things for them—production assistant on shoots and trips, audio recording on shoots, video editing, audio editing, admin work like managing our contractor database, office work like filing papers, and even accounting in Quickbooks—but I'm not particularly good at any of these things except maybe the basic bitch admin/officey things. I feel like sometimes I mess up. I have regrets and lots of moments I still feel embarrassed about. I don't think I'm truly qualified to do audio on shoots because I'm always so clueless and I feel terrible towards everyone else on set. Compared to professionals, I'm slow at editing and my eye for aesthetics is just... fuck life o<-< I'm lacking a ton ugh and it too often stresses me out. Honestly sometimes I feel useless and I'm scared I'm letting people down. But a kind person always tells me, "So what if some people are more skilled than you? They can't do exactly what you do as well as you can. There's more to the job than just what they can do, and you're a professional in a professional environment." I don't always listen LOL! I suck. Now I'm trying to see from that perspective. I'm not that talented and yet I still got a job (well, 2 jobs) and they like me enough to want me to increase my hours? ;U;

So I'm realizing that, yeah. More things matter than just pure skills.

Things like being willing to step up to any challenge. Being able to adapt. Communicating well with others. Being open to learning new things. Trying and not giving up unless that's the smarter option. Attention to detail and being organized. Following directions when needed. Being able to make a good impression when you'll be representing the company. Being observant and having a good sense of others' needs. Being supportive and a team player. Recognizing good things and appreciating others. Being able to prioritize. Being positive! But also firm and responsible. Your unique skills and experiences, like for me having accounting/office experience somehow has helped lol. Even being good-humored and good-natured because most people don't want to work in an environment where you don't have any fun! :> Healthy mindsets are always welcomed.

Part of me wishes I could tell these things to the me that didn't think I was worth anything, who thought there'd be no way I'd be accepted by any employers or colleagues, thought I'd be a failure for sure. But honestly even if I heard it back then I know I wouldn't believe it XDD What is the point of this post? I don't know.

IF ANYONE'S READING THIS! Be confident in yourself 8D Stay cool, work hard, and you got this. Nobody can bring exactly what you can bring!

Food for Thought: Uncertainty & Failure

Hi~ I just wanted to jot down some thoughts right now before the words escape me. ;u; I've been thinking about these things constantly lately not only because of my imminent college graduation, but also because a ton of people around me have recently been expressing anxieties, fears, and discouragement over the uncertain future.

If anyone's reading this and also shares these kinds of concerns, I hope you won't feel like you're experiencing this alone because you're definitely not. ;u;)/ It sucks that we're going through this, but I hope I can be at least a glimmer of encouragement for my friends.. No one should feel like it's an inherent problem within themselves or like there's something wrong with them. ;;

Because really, uncertainty's plague is inevitable and unperishable on every person—and it's an issue that people have either found some way to deal with, or have yet to. This all might be a gloomy way of looking at things, but interpret it how you will. And working through this is also for myself~

❥Misconceptions:
I'm still afraid of the future because I don't have some kind of surefire plan or direction to carry me through it. I think that I'm firmly on the path to failure and doom because I don't think I'm talented/capable/passionate/special/prepared enough to survive, and that I'm sure to lose to those people who know what they're doing.
I have the misconception that there are "winners" in this world (of whom I don't associate myself with), who will always undoubtedly succeed.
I have the misconception that most people and adults have their paths locked in place without a hitch. Therefore, I'm in the minority and not ready to be an adult.

And thankfully, I've been gaining perspective lately that have been helping me realize that these misconceptions are just exactly that. I mean, there could be some people out there who somehow miraculously embody these misconceptions???? Regardless, most people are more similar to us.

❥A Surface Is Just a Surface:
There's a coworker I've been talking to a lot lately who I believe has got 16 years on me. I work with mostly adults. And these adults never explicitly discuss their uncertainties in the realm of careers, either in the present or future. I've always gotten the impression that they're "locked in" without any room for any kind of apprehension. But this coworker was the first full fledged grown-up who's ever expressed in my company that...how smooth surfaces appear may not be how they actually are. You have to keep up certain impressions even if things aren't as in control as you'd assume. And failure is always a possibility, but it's not really a big deal. And that you can have non-career-related interests and pursuits that are also important and a large part of who you are. Careers are neither definite, nor define you. And he handles it all so coolly without worry, like it's just the natural order of life. Because you know, I think it is.

❥Not Everyone's an Expert:
It's helped that I've been exposed to working adults and professional workplaces a lot in the past few months. All these people that from a glance I would have assumed have everything all together, who are probably out of my league because they're competent enough to be hired for these jobs that I'm scared would reject me—they're not really too different... At the place I'm interning at, there are employees who don't actually know everything about what I'd expect them to know. And they're still respected, functioning employees who are adaptively learning.

❥Searching, Not Lost:
By first impression, I looked up to one of the volunteer coordinators at the film festival I volunteered at earlier this year, thinking she must be really something to be in this position. But in the afternoon I spent as her assistant sitting by her side, I learned that she's also still looking for a path and keeping options open. She wants to try this and that, go here and there. She cheerily asked colleagues to recommend her to non-profits she could possibly work with, but never seemed pessimistic, dismal, or unconfident at the lack of guarantee.

❥The Mother Who Went Back to School:
There's a charming woman whom I've seen several times collaborating with film students on projects. She's cool, competent, optimistic, unceasingly smiling and willing to help with anything. I always assumed she was 1) a teacher or staff member, 2) a professional, or 3) a friend helping out because of side interests in the arts.
But I really got to know her on the film shoot I worked on last month—it turns out that she's a student who once had a high-paying corporate job! She went touring with her theatre major daughter who was considering universities, and she wished that she could work and be in a theatre environment too. Her daughter's answer turned her life around: "That's easy, Mom. Just quit your job and go back to school."

I look at these adults like peering into an obscured mirror, because it's the closest thing to looking at the future—which really doesn't exist. It arrives as the present and becomes a memory. But despite being nonexistent, it's the most frightening.

❥Failure and Perfectionism:
I can't believe I actually attained life lessons from school LOL. My professors this semester have discussed some things I now think everyone should know.
One of my professors ALWAYS feeds us the anecdote about the person who invented cell phones. To us, cell phones are important, brilliant, and a no-brainer in our lives. But most people don't know that it took the inventor of the mobile phone fucking 30 years of persistence before his vision was accepted. Of course, it's the ultimate success that overshadows the failure and tribulations. But they're there. It's reassuring to know, in a somewhat sick way.

One of the major factors in my writing this post is my screenwriting professor's talk in class today. He strongly recommended a book titled Art & Fear for those who have anxieties about being an artist. I'll probably check it out. So I started thinking: why is it that artists in particular seem to be the most shaken and insecure? There's gotta be more than just the fact that it's a risky career choice since many jobs in the arts don't guarantee financial stability, and the risk of success relying on subjective appreciation. It doesn't entirely explain all the insecurity.
So I realized, I think it's because art is such a personal thing—it's often deeply rooted in the self and grows from the artist's expression—that if it becomes what is perceived as "failure," it just hurts that much more. Like a pointed offense towards the artist.

But as my professor says: "Your art is not you. If something stinks, it doesn't mean you're a failure. You just take what you've learned and move on to your next piece. The only way to get better at art is to make a lot of art.
And the only thing stopping you from making a lot of art is being afraid that your art isn't good enough. Perfection is the enemy of developing as an artist."

This is a conversation I had with Fome last week when I was feeling like there's nothing about myself that I can feel confident about. :/

[4/6/2015 1:38:55 AM] Fome: i mean this without any presumption, and do not at all intend to sound patronizing. but i just think that, when you maybe get closer to your 30s, you will look back on things with a different perspective. possibly
[4/6/2015 1:39:22 AM] Eva: no, it's true and i agree
[4/6/2015 1:40:51 AM] Eva: when i can get an actual taste of industry and become numb from falling on my ass and i stop feeling like the people around me impose high expectations of success and breadwinning on me that i don't think i can fulfill
[4/6/2015 1:40:57 AM] Eva: i'll definitely have a different perspective
[4/6/2015 1:41:02 AM] Eva: but for now there's still the looming
[4/6/2015 1:41:06 AM] Eva: fuck i'm gonna fail
[4/6/2015 1:41:11 AM] Eva: and fuck my parents are not gonna take it well
[4/6/2015 1:41:45 AM] Eva: eventually it'll feel like "there's nothing to lose"
[4/6/2015 1:42:11 AM] Eva: but right now i haven't put a foot forward yet and so haven't suffered a loss so i have much to lose

After today's class, I kind of feel like... yes I still have much to lose. If I ever live up to the expectations imposed on me, it will most likely take a while. But I'm suited up more now with some padding to break the first inevitable fall on my ass. It happens. Everyone fails, and then you just live on and continue to give your best efforts. ^^;;

Of course, realizing these things doesn't mean an immediate change in mentality and emotion—it takes time, or some eruptive, reset-button-pushing trigger. So I'm probably still gonna freak out. A lot. Fuck. I'm still not ready for graduation or the future or anything.

❥But at least I've realized these things:
That you have travelers who walk into uncharted territory with a blank map, and travelers who stand still blaming life for handing them a blank map of uncharted territory.
There are risk-takers and those who are paralyzed.
One should plan and prepare themselves, but ultimately, no amount of planning equals absolute certainty.
And falling on asses is normal as long as you don't spend the rest of your life crying on the pavement.

Food for Thought: Face of Fancy

A week or two ago, Yanovi, Kazou, and I had an interesting conversation that latched itself onto my mind.

We were discussing how family members can resemble each other, but overall look different due to having different interests. Of course, there's having a different sense of style—dressing differently, hair, makeup, or having a different aura because of how you behave or interact with others.
But taking it a step further, we started wondering: can your actual facial features change according to your interests?

To illustrate this better, we thought about how Yano looks compared to her sister. Yano's more into Asian fashion and is just really cute and girly, whereas her sister looks more cool, mature, and casual. In this case, it was more about how they presented themselves and I haven't gotten a good enough look at Yano's sister to be able to compare much else.

But then we thought about Karu, for example, who frankly doesn't look like any other person we know of Mexican ethnicity. We are kind of generalizing ethnic looks, but it is true that some traits are more commonly signature of a certain ethnicity. Karu's really into Japanese culture and she's the most moe thing in the world (without treading into obnoxious moe type). Maybe it's also because of the way she acts and does her makeup, but to us, she could almost pass off as a Japanese girl if you slightly look past her Caucasian-looking traits. None of us had ever met anyone else of Mexican heritage who looks so much like an anime character—with her gigantic, bubbly eyes and adorable princess aura.

And there's also Chiisana who often also looks straight up out of an anime, or if she wanted, a cute idol group. She also pretty much has the personality of your fumbly, adorable, quirky anime protagonist with a fluffy little voice to boot, so that helps. But her very features, like her huge doe-like eyes, soft cheeks, and delicate smile—in my opinion—aren't characteristic of her family but very well align with her interests in anime and k-pop/j-pop. (Also, her k-pop inspiration is Seohyun who also has big, pure eyes and soft cheeks.)

So we wondered if maybe through imitation of figures within our interests, muscle memory helps to shape our facial features? Maybe our face would change because we use certain muscles more and certain ones less. In the case of Karu and Chiisana, we'd hypothesize that they'd want and try to have bigger, doe-like eyes because it's a trait desired in anime characters and the cute-styled idols.

Eventually, I started thinking about myself too and I wonder if it's true.

"Pursue what you love."

What unexpectedly double-edged words.

Food for Thought: Thought for Food

Oh boy, I foresee a messy post.
Unlike my first post labelled Food for Thought, I didn't assign myself a topic to explore, but rather several events recently triggered some thinking about things along the same theme--and I didn't string together a realization until like, fifteen minutes ago when I was in the shower.

So I was showering. And I take pretty long showers. So I was thinking about how some people shower really quickly--and I don't know how they do it, though they seem to share the same disbelief I carry but in the opposite direction. I remember someone once being like, "How can you be there for so long? It only takes a few minutes! You just put blah blah on, scrub, rinse, blah blah, and get out!" And I wish I could go back to that moment so I could interject with, "You missed the part where you just stand there for half an hour and think about your life principles!"

AND THEN LIGHT BULBS WENT OFF IN MY HEAD and I noticed a pattern in that those that I know to shower really quickly tend to not register as some of the more thoughtful people I know. (There are exceptions; please don't be offended!) And they're the type of people that don't slow down, don't dig deeply into matters, and whose minds are very preoccupied with the outside world. They're not the type to lie awake and reflect on things, and they tend to drive overly focused on the road and some still rush into reckless mistakes.

So I do kind of think that there's a correlation between slowing down and contemplating/reflecting a lot, and being more of a thoughtful and insightful person.

I really enjoy that I'm able to operate on autopilot once I'm in the routine of things. Most of my meaningful thinking, in my opinion, happens when I'm driving home from work/university or when I'm unleashing my inner prune taking forevershowers. ;u; It's great because half of my mind is still alert about the environment and functioning accordingly while the other half embraces its complete freedom.

And then today, Jeffrey asked me to read some intro paragraphs for two stories, then choose which was better. This was my response:

[7:24:18 PM] Eva: i have to say that i prefer the second one because it's more about internal exploration than external
[7:24:28 PM] Eva: i'd rather someone be lost in their thoughts and feelings than in a foreign location

AND THEN MORE LIGHT BULBS because I realized that this explains so many of my philosophies. In fact, years ago I actually wrote one of my personal statements (the essays you write for university applications lolol) about how others' greatest dream is to become a doctor so they can help others, but my ambition is to improve myself and become a better person. Like, I'm not a fun person at all but I think my moral code is strong? (That sounds so terrible.) I think it's important to reflection upon yourself and your beliefs and actions, sort things out, and know why you did certain things; it helps your self-discipline in the future. And if you understand yourself, you can more easily understand others--as long as you yourself aren't the only one you care to understand. It's like the whole "how can you love others if you can't even love yourself" thing but not. It sounds really selfish, but I think striving for self improvement and understanding makes you a less selfish person, which in turn benefits those around you. For example, you know you don't like being treated in a certain way, so why would you treat others in the same manner?

Then yesterday when I was walking to class (there's one long, but straight pathway to my classroom so the only thing that's getting lost is my train of thought), I was thinking and came to a conclusion about how being self-conscious can be a good thing as long as you're self-aware and not self-absorbed. Right? Right. RIIIGHT? I THINK SO! -nods-

I know there's a strong association, but I don't think being self-conscious necessarily equates to being insecure. Except it kinda sucks because I'm the most terrible combination of self-conscious (watchful of own actions and appearance), insecure ("ohmygod I suck"), shy ("I'm too scared!"), socially challenged ("I don't know what to do or say.."), socially anxious ("people are scary and they all hate me!"), and antisocial ("I hate all you people too.").

And that's probably why I don't go out and don't do things and don't see many people, and like to just sit around by myself and think and then ramble onto a blogger post. :'D

Food for Thought: The Value of Fulfillment

I find that a great majority of these non-ranty rambling posts took seed in my terribly unnecessary contemplation moments in my car. But I mean, what else are you supposed to do when driving? Well. Other than, y'know, watch the road, but I mean.. I swear I do that too. This conversation is what sparked today's food for thought:

[4:08:39 PM]: you seem like you're doing well this semester ^^
[4:08:45 PM]: proudddd~
[4:12:44 PM]: Meh. I dont really have anything fucking me over so i dont see why i wouldnt do well.
[4:20:36 PM]: jeez just let me praise you okay LOL
[4:21:22 PM: meh. I dont need praise for doing what i should be haha
[4:22:16 PM]: positive reinforcement's always good o^o
[4:22:32 PM]: a lot of people don't do what they're supposed to be doing

I see the logic in "I'm doing what I'm supposed to do so it's not something outstanding." I understand it. But because I understand it, I started thinking about why my philosophy seems to differ from this.

Is it praiseworthy for a person to fulfill their obligation, or to do the right thing? By the end of my drive, I concluded that yeah--I think so. Of course, this is no exception in that all theories have exceptions. Like fuck if you want me to give you a holler for successfully taking a breath.

But think about grades, which is what was being discussed in the first place. If everyone did all of their work, and if everyone understood and was able to apply all of the information that they were instructed to, theoretically EVERYONE would have A's. Unfortunately, not everyone has A's--and I'm not trying to blame those that don't or pin them as lazy bums that don't do their work; everyone has their circumstances. But the point is that we do celebrate the people who do have A's BECAUSE they achieved them. And we see people with good grades as remarkable even though they just "did what they were supposed to do." Hm... where am I even going with this LOL... I'm rambling and not making sense. I think what I'm trying to say is that if those with A's were reduced to merely average people who just did what they should have done, only super overachievers--those that innovatively go above and beyond their calling and expectation--would be worthy of any kind of positive attitude towards.

And as I mentioned, a lot of people don't do what they're supposed to do. Slacking, flaking, betraying, etc. are so common now that I think it's respectful of a person to uphold promises and obligations.

Furthermore, it's not always easy to do the right thing--even when you know it's right. (I mean this both in fulfillment and morality, but I'm just focusing on the former right now due to the context of this post.) Just because something is expected of you, and just because you have the capability to do it, doesn't mean it won't come with potential struggles or hesitation. I think it's hard to get out of bed. I think it's hard to put behind the comfort of solitude, and go back out into reality where you have to deal with things and see people and deal with people and with life and responsibilities. Sometimes when I don't have work, school, or plans, I just don't get out of bed until dinnertime--not because I'm lazy but because it's hard and I can't face reality even if I know I have to. And getting out of bed is something I have to do. A duty regarded as beyond easy, in fact; it's just an everyday occurrence anyway. And do I want to tell myself, "Good job! You did it! You got yourself out of bed!" regardless when I succeed? Hell yeah.

I worked overtime today; it's been almost excruciatingly busy because it's the end of the year's 3rd quarter. At the end of the day, my boss told me that I worked hard.
I can't really say that I was moved by those words, but rather I was deeply impacted. I think I always work hard. But the recognition for it is rare. For a short moment, I thought to myself, "I worked hard for so long just for this moment of acknowledgement!!" Upon further contemplation, I don't think that that's my intention; but still, it was really nice and surprising being praised. But IF that were my intention... taking a step back, does anyone even have any kind of obligation to say something nice if I work hard--since that's what I'm supposed to do, that's what I'm expected to do, that's what I intend to do, and that's what I'm paid to do? I WANT TO SAY NO BUT I ALSO WANT TO SAY YES. And we're right back full cycle to where we started. I have conflicting mentalities and I question them and write long-ass posts that probably don't make much sense to anyone but me.

Food for Thought: Morality

So my self-assigned topic for today to mentally debate, apprehend, and untangle was morality.

I remembered this morning that in a B1A4 interview a couple months ago, the members were asked what they looked for in a girl. One answer stood out to me: Jinyoung's "Morality and courtesy," and from that moment, Jinyoung skyrocketed in respect from my eyes.

It makes me wonder. Morality and courtesy are such important yet overlooked things. I've tweeted this before but I think that being earnest and having good moral character is attractive. Why do people seem to not value morality?

Moreover, it sometimes feels like investing in moral achievement or expressing defense for certain ideas is frowned upon. There are a lot of times when I feel like I'm being annoying because I'm being a "moral fag" for standing up against injustices that I don't believe in. My opinion may be different from some others' but it's what I've deduced from considering all sides of the situation and trying to eliminate bias, and it's just an opinion among opinions but it doesn't feel welcome. Why is it a bad thing? I feel like it's an "uncool" thing to do, for example, when I post stuff like this. Why do I have to feel scared to say all that or feel bad afterwards? There's no intent to hurt, so is it so wrong and so much of a nuisance?

Also, something occurred to me while I was driving home from work. I was thinking about a statement that I saw on my TL.. So full of arrogance, pretense, and tryhard chivalry. And me being cynical, sadistic, little me, I laughed to myself. And made fun of this person. They were ridiculous--like a person who home-crafted a pedestal using stolen materials, and even when planted proudly atop it, tried to convince others that it was meant for somebody else. Proclaiming so direly to be built of modesty, when the ugly truth sticks out like Santa Claus in a snowstorm.

I want to be moral.. but being cynical or doubtful towards others and their seemingly "good intentions" seems like something that would go against morals. So why was it acceptable in my eyes to do this? Why doesn't my conscience find any sort of problem in this behavior? Because yes, these are the kinds of things I think about when I'm spacing out, and I like exploring these sorts of subjects with answers you find from within yourself.

Ah, then it occurred to me: there is a deep-running difference between being moral and being nice.

I guess you can also distinguish between being a good person and being a nice person. The latter is more compliant, but warm and selfless. The former questions and values sincerity and honestly.

Or at least, that's just what I think. :'D

Man, watching the drama Moon that Embraces the Sun makes me kind of wish I lived in Korea's Joseon Dynasty. I may not be well-versed or have the attention span to do much reading now, but back then, I think I would have enjoyed being a scholar. Well, I would have had to be male in order for my mental practices to be socially accepted, but debating about these kinds of things, combating corruption, and cranking out formalities of wit and metaphor would've be fuuuuu~n.