Fun fact: since I was born in the year '93, three is actually my favorite number! I've always liked how it's an odd number yet it makes everything complete: the best things come in trios.
So with certain logic, 33 is either twice or eleven times as good of a number, right? 🙂↕️✨
Each year since I turned 15, I've taken a mirror selfie with this 'Birthday Girl' shirt as an annual tradition chronicling my growth and visual changes.
Except.... last year....... I missed a year for the first time. I'm really disappointed in myself. >_< For this occasion I wanted to make sure this blog was ready in advance for my actual birthday and not late like most recent years.
Having skipped my thoughts on turning 32, let's talk about 33... Once again I'm glad that I live in the generation that I do — I really feel it personally and see all around me that "30's is the new 20's." It's almost like society has been changing to meet me in the middle, yippee!
I realized that I practically had a do-over of my personality in my twenties, and I'm still trying to "grow into my skin" of the person that I want to be. Lots of improvements to still be made, like learning to be less socially awkward and figuring out how to comfortably convey my playful sides rather than retreating into the quiet sardonicism that many are used to, yet while not being too obnoxious. Personality is hard!
Being so empowered to do all sorts of cool things makes me feel lucky. I love that I'm part of hobby communities wherein age doesn't make a difference and people from all sorts of walks can get along — both the youtaite/singing community and the Grand Archive card game community.
It's a pretty cool life I live, being able to stay active in various hobbies; and creative ones at that, where I work with a lot of my favorite people and can keep learning new endeavors. This year I've accomplished a good amount of things I'm proud of! It's not lost on me that compared to many my age who are birthing kids, raising kids, spearheading families, I've the privilege of much more freedom. And yet I still don't feel there's enough time in the world to properly engage and improve in my hobbies and skillsets as much as I'd like... I wonder if I'll ever be able to give that up. 😅
One thing that's been tough is watching the older people around me become even older and more frail. Dynamics are shifting from me being the relier to the one being relied upon, and I need to prepare more for this soon-to-be crushing reality.
As for my goals this year! I'm currently in a self-assigned "Rehab Mode."
Over the past year my health took a big shit on my life, then combined with running around busy nonstop, feeling a lot of pressure, suffering from my own ambition as well, work burnout, emotional burnout, anger & despair over world events on the daily, the inability to relax, worrying every day that my mortal shell might give in or that I might not wake up when I go to sleep, blah blah blah blah...... I found myself at a turning point last month.
Over the past year my health took a big shit on my life, then combined with running around busy nonstop, feeling a lot of pressure, suffering from my own ambition as well, work burnout, emotional burnout, anger & despair over world events on the daily, the inability to relax, worrying every day that my mortal shell might give in or that I might not wake up when I go to sleep, blah blah blah blah...... I found myself at a turning point last month.
I can't live like that anymore... Some days I felt like I was sleepwalking. But at the very least as I was faced with my own thoughts on death, I felt I would prefer to be alive and continue doing the things I'm doing so that's a positive thing!
Previously I blogged about my chronic headache situation and here is the update to that:
The neurologist I saw diagnosed me with trigeminal neuralgia — essentially said that I had inflammation in the nerves on the left side of my head. But they weren't 100% certain and recommended getting a second opinion from an established neurosurgery clinic about an hour's drive away, and see if there's any possibility they think I need surgery.
😅 Then the second opinion insisted I'd been misdiagnosed; the MRI machine used seems old and didn't focus on the right areas; and I need more testing done. Honestly when I had looked up that disorder, I did feel that it didn't accurately describe my condition so I'm not surprised? So I'm still in the process of getting an updated diagnosis.
But!! But!! The amazing news is the medication prescribed to me still worked! My symptoms waned over the course of two months and as of April feels mostly under control.
Which makes it the perfect time to get back on my feet! During all that time I had painful headaches, I spent more and more time in bed or sitting down. Concentrating on anything was difficult. It's a vicious cycle of your body becoming weaker, making it hard to be active, which then causes you to become even weaker and and even less active.
So my heart issues relapsed; even while just sitting still editing a TalkGA episode that needed to be uploaded the next day because we were on a spoiler schedule, I suddenly got intense heart palpitations. Sometimes palpitation frights happen while driving. And I hear stories about people whose hearts suddenly fail on them; it's just all scary especially for someone who tends to imagine the worst.
Purely complaining now — I get so frustrated that I can't eat/drink things that I enjoy lol. As we're seeing horrible things happening every day, sometimes the best thing I can do to cope and motivate myself is to dangle something delicious at the end of the stick... So many yummy things I can't consume due to acid reflux because I need my voice to heal. Pretty much can't have caffeine anymore due to my heart. But my matcha :(((((( Oh my silly first world problems.
Anyway I'm now on a quest to trick my body into experiencing "happiness" more often and living longer!
February and March were super stressful and busy so it's already helped that things have calmed down and I'm spending more time in leisure, working on singing covers, being more physically active. Things ramp back up in May though so what I need now is discipline.
So here's my self-assigned Rehabilitation Plan which lol I suppose is in lieu of my New Year's Resolutions this year; but I hope for these to be realistic!
We'll see what happens after I try all of these things, and if I still feel I'm in a mental funk then I'll look into chatting with a therapist. Honestly for a long time I've suspected I was born with broken serotonin receptors, or I learned the wrong mentalities as a child, or something...... There's a lot that I definitely know I can work on so it feels inefficient if I speak to a professional before I've put in efforts to improve my mindsets and body first.
- MUST EXERCISE EVERY DAY.
The walking pad I recently bought has been lifechanging!! Wish I'd gotten one sooner haha. - Sleep earlier — 1 AM at the latest.
Or... I read that placebo effects are helpful even when it comes to sleep! If you simply tell yourself you slept well, you'll feel more prepared to face the day ☀️ - Compartmentalize — Try not to think about my workload or hobby!workload when unnecessary.
- Less procrastinating and dreading. Eventually I have to do the thing anyway, so just do it. Especially when it comes to getting out of bed. If tempted to doomscroll, at least open Genshin instead.
- Eat more meals.
- Regularly read paper books, no electronic distractions in sight. Currently reading Dune!
- More quiet yet fruitful leisure — for example stretching or dry eye treatments while listening to audiobooks. And don't feel guilty for it.
- Unlearn "efficiency" habits — less multitasking, less stimulation. And oftentimes in the time I spend thinking about how to do things most efficiently I could have just done it lmao.
- Romanticize as much as possible. Be grateful for both my mundane and exciting experiences, and actively try to find beauty in what's around me. When looking at the sky, find something cool about the clouds. When looking at flowers, find something pretty about the colors or shapes.
- Self loathing is unproductive. I tend to heavily focus on all of the things I suck at, but at the end of the day do those things even matter...? Even if someone says something about it, does that even fucking matter...?
- Get more sunshine (optional) — tbh don't think I can accomplish this one but at least I started taking Vitamin D supplements, heh.
- Remember that I deserve joy and peace and nice things!! I can have these while bearing responsibilities and without being ignorant of the world. It all can coexist!
"Zettai Idol Yamenaide / Never Stop Being an Idol" by =LOVE
This is the song I've had on repeat all week.
I'm not an idol, I've never been an idol, and yet I never want to stop being an idol! 💖
For those who are here, thank you for reading the dark & childish thoughts of this freshly aged 33-year-old and please take care of yourself!!
P.S. Did you know today also happens to be National Matcha Day? Happy matcha day! 🍵
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