Gifted

QuQ.... I had a very positive performance review at work yesterday, and I'm really proud!!! It makes me so happy that my coworkers/bosses seem to love and appreciate me (and don't hesitate to let me know) and think that I add a lot of value to the company. ;u; One thing in particular that struck me though.... was when they said, "A lot of people can edit videos, but only a few are great at storytelling, and that's a gift that you have. You're a very gifted storyteller, while understanding exactly what kind of messaging and tone the client is looking for."

............ I've.... never in my life ever been called "gifted" before, I think.
That's a word that I genuinely believe I've never heard being used to describe me in my entire life, and it's something I always feared that I lacked. I've always had a ton of insecurity, being surrounded by my university classmates who were all much more passionate and knowledgeable about filmmaking than I was. Insecurity being surrounded by all of these talented youtaite who easily exceed me in technical skill and aesthetic, just making videos online as a hobby. In terms of technical skill especially, I know nearly nothing. All through college, I thought there was nothing special about me because there was nothing I particularly excelled at or was passionate about—I spent so many nights crying in worry that I wouldn't get an internship, wouldn't be hired, was far away from being able to imagine a career for myself, would always be a "pathetic, dependent failure."

Earlier this year, I was able to realize that it wasn't true that I have nothing special to bring to the table—that you're special just by being yourself (see Food for Thought: To Be Special Without Specialty). ;u; But now.... to be call gifted? The opposite side of the special spectrum?! ..I.. I'm gifted!?

Me..!?

Um, yes. I'd like to thank myself because I couldn't have achieved this crazy wonderful gift of a praise without myself and how I was myself for all these years by myself. Thanks.

Fruit of my labor

YO.
I just turned in MY VERY LAST EVER SCHOOL ASSIGNMENT, in the form of final essays that I epicly procrastinated on.. which I try never to do for schoolwork but HOLY SHIT the senioritis got real. I'm attending my graduation ceremony this Friday.

[11:54:37 PM] Eva: i'm so excited man
[11:54:46 PM] Eva: i've got 0 plans and 0 obligations or responsibilities tomorrow
[11:54:54 PM] Eva: ........and then i remember that i'm supposed to cosplay but.
[11:55:09 PM] Eva: .........shrivels into a craisin
[11:55:19 PM] Eva: i'm a craisin i have no responsibilities.

GUYS.

WHY THE ANONYMOUS COMMENTS

(JK JK LOL I was actually looking to put a GIF with more of a joking, silly, or faux sad tone... and then I found this GIF that I didn't even know I had. And I had to use it because it's Kim Sohyun, who's one of my girlcrushes. And it actually works out because THIS IS ME vs THE THREE ANONYMOUS COMMENTERS on my other post. D8)

Someone stop me

Sob. I have this really gross crush on Siwan from the group ZE:A. (I feel like it's been a while since I showed my fangirl side ahahahaha I used to spazz over Henry Lau all the time on my old blog)

HI HEO YEOM HOW ARE YOU

Basically he was part of the childhood cast in the Korean fusion historical drama The Moon that Embraces the Sun. Btw it's a very good drama if you turn a blind eye towards the fact that the plot goes nowhere and nobody ever grows up. Maybe it's because I went into it already knowing and expecting how lacking it was that I wasn't disappointed with the drama LOL. I'm enjoying it.
I'm pretty sure most of this crush is on his character, Heo Yeom though. :c

I was wondering why I liked Heo Yeom/Siwan so much and sudden throwback to this post and how I said that good moral character is attractive. FUCK IT'S TRUE Q______Q Heo Yeom is the older brother to the drama's heroine, the teacher of the hero, and is basically the perfect pretty boy scholar that you can't not like. He's intelligent, wise, morally upright, studious, formal, mannerful, and he exudes warmth and righteousness, DEAR LORDY HELP ME. I honestly didn't notice how cute he was (or notice him at all) until these traits were established.

STOP IT

But real Siwan is still crushworthy too saldkfjlskdf. I thought he had a really generic face at first but now that it's grown on me, I think he's quite a looker. I knew of him before Moon/Sun as just "the face of ZE:A," so I'm really glad to discover that there's more to him than just visuals. ;^; HIS ACTING WAS SO IMPRESSIVELY GOOD... I didn't think they'd cast an inexperienced idol for that kind of role but he executed it perfectly SOBBBB.

AND. APPARENTLY he's a model student and is known for being good at studying? And never dated before because focused so much on studying. AAAAAAHHH. I'm going to be a dumb fangirl and believe in this just because he said it with his own mouth on an episode of Strong Heart. In any case, I have much respect for people that put a lot of effort into their education. Idec that he doesn't seem very manly or strong because he's brainy.

WHY DO I KEEP FALLING FOR THE VIOLINISTS

Too bad Siwan's not that great of singing LOL or otherwise, he'd be perfect. I thought he was slightly tonedeaf when he sang and tried to play guitar, but surprisingly his violin-playing isn't bad and is better than mine! *A* AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, HE'S NOT A DOUCHEBAG. I've totally fallen for that precious gentleman image. Dammit.

The song that I've been addicted to lately is ZE:A5's "The Day We Broke Up." The cute/bright/upbeat tone of the song and MV doesn't seem to match the lyrics at all LOL but I kind of like this less-than-depressing take on break-ups. It's kind of fun and uplifting. ZE:A5's a subunit of ZE:A consisting of members Siwan, Hyungsik, Kevin, Dongjun, and Minwoo. I like the line-up! They're all pretty good singers (rapper for Minwoo's case) other than Siwan. OTL But I'm biased, so.. OTL Also it doesn't help that I have an attachment to Hyungsik and Kevin after seeing them both on The Romantic & Idol. Ugh this fangirl heart of mine. Ugh.



[11:25:54 PM] Eva: oh man The Day We Broke Up makes me really happy
[11:25:56 PM] Eva: that sounds really weird.
[11:25:57 PM] Eva: ........
[11:26:06 PM] Eva: i sound like a relationship masochist.

in which I am overwhelmingly self-absorbed

I think I just come here to ramble and let my mind loose when I don't feel like doing things I should be doing (i.e. studying for tomorrow's midterm WOOPS but I'm actually doing it dw) and don't want to tweet.

Kind of random but just something I was thinking about. Probably triggered by Sonny's recent blog move haha.

It is pretty silly that I took my move from my wordpress to here so seriously, with my sappy goodbyes and too obvious attachment to inanimate .. cyber.. sites of binary code or some shit. Looking back, I magnified the transition into some huge ordeal as if it were life-changing for me. All so unnecessary LOL. EVERYBODY PROBABLY SIDE-EYED ME. I WOULD TOO TBH.

But after some thinking, I can somewhat understand why I felt the way I did--because I was letting go of past expectations for me and the image with which a lot of people that knew me online perceived me. Kind of like I burned the old Eva and unleashed the inner-lying beast instead hahaha. I did grow/change and my online presence couldn't keep up with me.

It makes me really glad that I can still be in touch with some of those with whom I grew up online--although many I fell out of touch with. I won't specify names, but I used to belong to a circle of online friends that were really important to me at one point of my life.

Maybe it was because we focused on dubbing Hello! Project and a lot of us dreamed of becoming idols one day ourselves, and those that took notice of us on the internet started expecting us to act idol-like. There was this pressing feeling to be a sweet, cute, easygoing, feminine, kindhearted, but cheery type of girl all day, all the time?

And a lot of my friends really were idol-like! ;v; Seriously, they're some of the nicest people I've known and they are so gorgeous and talented and naturally adorable. I see some of them now and they've grown up beautifully; I still find them to be admirably kindhearted, amiable, and sweet. One now is even chasing her dreams of becoming a schoolteacher, which I think she will be perfect for~<3

But I was the only one that didn't turn out that way at all.
And I feel embarrassed about it. Because I know some of them can still see me now and they all came out to be so pure and bubbly, and I ..... ._. heh.
I really don't want them to see me now. =_= Not to say that I'm a total bitch but uh. okay yeah I'm kind of 80% bitch at least. with a sarcastic li'l cherry on top. dollop of sadism on the side and little sprinkles of dumbemofeels, whininess, pessimism, and hatred towards the world.

The main point, I guess, is that I actually feel really bad because I'm not a sweet person. Is that weird? (Yes, yes it is, idiot.) Like I know there were those kinds of expectations and I flipped them off and ran my own direction instead.

Although I know it's right that I ultimately resolved to stay true to myself (the only option really unless you're as fake as the fucking Loch Ness Monster), I feel really guilty. It is kind of a scary feeling though to know that there are eyes on you. ^^;; I just wonder if people from my past can accept this kind of Eva.

I'm reminded of this though omg  THESE ARE ACTUALLY SO CUTE HAHAHA but that is not me.



I don't have fun things or pictures to share (andneedtogostudynow) D: so have a snarky GIF LOL

xoxoxo why does anyone even visit this blog like ide srsly u cray

Appropriate Sungmin GIF is appropriate

Wow, I'm actually kind of angry right now.
For a little over a week, I've been working on my 2013 New Year's Resolutions post, adding on a bit whenever I found time. I'd compiled a bit over 50 of them (out of the goal of 100) and now the post is completely gone...........?

Blogger, is this your doing? ._.
Are you fucking with me? I already preferred wordpress over you. I already had little motivation to make that post but was doing it anyway for sake of my yearly traditions, but now I'm so close to dropping it. =_= Sorry, it's just a serious pet peeve of mine when time/effort ends up being in vain. Especially when there's no explanation.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't delete the post but COME ON GOOGLE. YOU CAN DO ALL THIS SHIT WITH YOUR SATELLITES AND ARE A LEADER IN MEDIA CONVERGENCE BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN ADD A FUCKING TRASH BIN FUNCTION OR WHATEVER TO STORE DELETED BLOG POSTS FOR A WEEK OR TWO SO THAT USERS CAN RETRIEVE ANY POSTS THAT WERE ACCIDENTALLY SENT TO THE TRASH?????? This doesn't fly with me.

Unless there actually is such a function and I'm just too stupid to find it, then I'll admit I was wrong. Please tell me if this is the case.

Okay I finished my tantrum over the spilt milk (or more like milk that disappeared while it was still in the refrigerator without a trace even though I'm the only one that lives in the vicinity) and will be starting over then. Just. pet peeves.

Edit:

Suck on this, Google.

NOW my tantrum's over. :x

Edit:

Action successfully taken. =u=)b

Blue Umbrella

These past few days have been characterized with a string of unfortunate happenings, but to all of that:

Let's focus instead on something in particular interesting that happened, which I still can't get over. = =

Yesterday was my first day back in university for the year, and it was raining. Stomaching a sharp nervousness and hatred towards school, I sluggishly made my way to my first class--to which I was 50 minutes early out of paranoia--with my blue umbrella.

Suddenly, a tall male coming from the opposite direction seemed to acknowledge me, and stopped me with a smile. A face I didn't recognize at all.

"So... are you, like, the sexy nerd type?" he asked in the most nonchalant way possible for such a fucking creepy line. And here I'm thinking, Holy shit what a disturbing stranger. But you know what, people don't usually stop people that they don't know without some kind of ulterior motive. He must be speaking in such a "friendly" manner to me because he needs my help. AH, HE MUST BE DOING SOME KIND OF A SURVEY... Okay, I usually ignore people like this but I have plenty of time to spare, so let's give him a hand. I bet he's having a hard time finding people to interview since it's raining like this.

And despite my hate for conversations, I went along with everything. We concluded that rather than.. such a description, I'm really just "nerdy." I told him my major, and vaguely what I might possibly want a career in.
An ever so familiar awkwardness, nervousness, cold behavior, stuttering, choppy and weak sentences, just timidly peeking out from under a blue umbrella.

Eventually, I started feeling really uncomfortable and was wondering where the fuck this train was going, and I don't recall exactly but I might have asked him if he needed anything/if I could help him.
And you know how he replies?
"Oh, no, I just thought you were cute."

.___.;;;;;;;;;;

This next part is a blur (no seriously, how do you even react to something like that? 'CAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER HOW I DID...) but he asked if I'd like to have coffee with him next week--y'know, sit down and chat and get to know each other and stuff.
Immediately, I explained that I'm busy, so no thanks. And he insists. So I explain that I work, so I'm really busy every single day (truth). And he insists again. There must be some way we can pave out some time from my schedule. So I explain that I live off campus so it's really not possible. Yet he insists once more. There must be some time we can hang out. Finally, I say that I can't and still would rather not, and he finally gives in.

So we exchanged names, shook hands, went off on our own ways, AND MOTHERFUCKING LORD FOR THE BLOODY LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE INVENTION OF GODDAMN PIZZA PLEASE DON'T LET US EVER CROSS PATHS EVER AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NEVER AGAIN.


'Kay so that's my story.
I'm literally just so...

Idk but I find this really fascinating. (Hullo, overthinking female mind at work here.)

Y'know, other than that first line, I don't mean to paint this dude out as a complete creeper. He was rather pleasant and polite, with a reassuring smile. Not to mention, patient because goodness knows I can't converse for my life. Other than the first line, I'm not exactly disgusted by this fellow, and I don't think he crossed any bounds. So don't get me wrong there.

But still. like.
what.
.............
?!??!!??!?!?!?! I WAS HIT ON.......??????

And I've been thinking about this a lot (tremendous amount of overthinking), and I'm pretty skeptical about the sincerity regarding this event.
I'm actually genuinely wondering if it might have been a prank. I've never been hit on before without it having been a prank. I'm the girl that you force your friends to hit on if they lose a bet, as punishment because it's "funny." Ughhh now I really regret having been a deer in headlights at the time, and not checking the premises for his friends who might be watching and giggling. It might have been a dare for him to approach a stranger.

I mean, people don't actually do that, right? Just go up to someone you find "attractive" and strike a conversation, then hope for sparks? IT'S TOO UNREALISTIC. Nobody does that.

And while I have no firsthand experience at love, dating, flirting, etc, I've been observing and advising the people around me.. BUT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING LIKE THIS HAPPENING BEFORE. In my head, you get to know each other, and then whatever's there somehow crosses the boundary into the dangerous territory beyond regular friendship. So I can't understand something like this: picking a stranger off the street, and then going on a date, getting to know each other, and then seeing if something develops.
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME. Q_____________Q It's like how in shoujo manga, I never got why people sometimes would date someone they don't have feelings for or maybe don't even KNOW AT ALL, and then hope to "get to know each other" and "develop feelings" afterwards.

Or maybe that's how the real world works? You go on dates--which are like trials--and if you likey, you keepsies? 'Cause I guess that's what blind dates are like...

No, it still doesn't make sense to me.
I don't want to be misunderstood as fishing for compliments, but y'know, I know my merits and flaws. But to put it simply, I wouldn't be expected to be "attractive" here.

I think it's kind of a cultural thing. In American standards, I'm not considered attractive. And yes, I'm stereotyping America, and stereotyping myself as the typical glasses nerdy, plain Asian girl. I mean, maybe I might be attractive in other places... It feels like Asian countries generally treasure traits such as "cuteness," "shyness," "innocence," "properness," etc more. On the contrary, the general Western standards look towards more mature, sexier, outgoing, pretty pretty made-up girls. While I'm missing that moe factor and am a towering monstrous tall female, I think I fit the Asian standards a bit better whereas I'm not even on the radar for Americans. Not to mention, only in dramas and manga/anime do I ever see people actually falling for the nerd character.

In theory, what happened to me yesterday is in no way realistic. ._.
I guess I feel a little bad because idealistically, I should at least give him a chance or benefit of the doubt regarding the sincerity of it all--but in any case, my bottom line is that I have no interest in him whatsoever, so sorry.

Admittedly, I'm very thankful to my blue umbrella ;w; for giving me a mask.. for protecting me when I couldn't make eye contact, for hiding me through the entire conversation. I don't know what I would've done had I stood there awkward, bare and exposed.

the one that brings out the delusional fangirl in us :'c

(I think we might actually be trying to watch one Running Man episode a day because we could ttly develop abs from this laughter)

[12:20:05 AM] Eva: I WANT THIS PRESENT TOO
[12:20:06 AM] Chiisana: ME TOO.
[12:20:06 AM] Eva: GOD DAMMIT
[12:20:08 AM] Chiisana: WHY CAN'T WE GET A PRESENT LIKE THAT
[12:20:18 AM] Chiisana: TOO MANY CUTE BOYS
[12:20:26 AM] Eva: YONGHWA IN A BOX FOR ME TOO PLEASE
[12:20:32 AM] Chiisana: AHHHH
[12:20:36 AM] Eva: DAMMIT
[12:20:37 AM] Eva: AAAAHHH
[12:20:38 AM] Chiisana: YONGHWA YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME TODAYYY

[1:57:16 AM] Eva: YONGHWA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[1:57:16 AM] Chiisana: OMGGG
[1:57:17 AM] Chiisana: OMGGGGGGG!!
[1:57:19 AM] Eva: OMG
[1:57:20 AM] Chiisana: YAAAAAAAAAAAY
[1:57:20 AM] Eva: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
[1:57:21 AM] Eva: OMG
[1:57:22 AM] Chiisana: OMG
[1:57:23 AM] Eva: OH MY GOD
[1:57:23 AM] Chiisana: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
[1:57:24 AM] Chiisana: YONGHWA
[1:57:26 AM] Eva: YONGHWA YOU ARE A GOD
[1:57:26 AM] Chiisana: DAEBAK
[1:57:26 AM] Chiisana: MARRY ME
[1:57:31 AM] Eva: NO
[1:57:33 AM] Eva: I ASKED FIRST
[1:57:34 AM] Eva: STOP

shit. but. b-b-but Yonghwa though sob

#sometimeswe'realmostexactlythesameperson #it'skindofscary #I'mpretendingthisistumblrrightnow #shhhhh~

What happens during Running Man marathons

[10:26:11 PM] Chiisana: I'll be right back.
[10:26:15 PM] Chiisana: THEN WE CAN WATER.
[10:26:19 PM] Chiisana: ..
[10:26:22 PM] Chiisana: WATCH*
[10:26:24 PM] Chiisana: HAHAHAHA
[10:26:34 PM] Eva: ...
[10:29:59 PM] Chiisana: I think I laughed a little too hard at myself just now
[10:30:03 PM] Chiisana: for saying that we can water together

[10:33:47 PM] Eva: i went to open the door finally since i was starting to feel lightheaded
[10:33:57 PM] Eva: and suddenly i saw the winged cap i bought on impulse when i bought my Block B album
[10:34:01 PM] Eva: and suddenly i felt like putting it on
[10:34:01 PM] Chiisana: OAO
[10:34:06 PM] Eva: so now i'm going to watch Running Man with a cap on.
[10:34:07 PM] Chiisana: and now you can fly
[10:34:08 PM] Chiisana: oh
[10:34:09 PM] Chiisana: aw man
[10:34:11 PM] Chiisana: that's nice too

[10:55:23 PM] Chiisana: OMGGG
[10:55:24 PM] Chiisana: YONGHWA!!
[10:55:30 PM] Chiisana: HAHAH
[10:55:33 PM] Chiisana: YONGHWAAA QAQ
[10:55:33 PM] Eva: YONGHWA!!!!!!!!!
[10:55:33 PM] Chiisana: OUR PROMISE!!!
[10:55:37 PM] Eva: YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
[10:55:40 PM] Chiisana: WE LOVE YOU
[10:55:41 PM] Eva: I LOVE YOU YONGHWA
[10:55:41 PM] Chiisana: <3333333333
[10:55:45 PM] Chiisana: YONGWHA
[10:55:48 PM] Eva: PLEASE LET ME BE REBORN AS SEOHYUN SO I CAN MARRY YOU
[10:55:49 PM] Eva: PLEASE
[10:55:50 PM] Chiisana: NO LET ME BE REBORN AS SEOHYUN
[10:55:51 PM] Chiisana: :((((
[10:55:58 PM] Chiisana: then again you and I are practically the same person so
[10:56:08 PM] Chiisana: LOL

[11:58:56 PM] Chiisana: ICE CREAM
[11:58:58 PM] Eva: ICE CREAM
[11:59:03 PM] Chiisana: ...
[11:59:04 PM] Chiisana: CRYING
[11:59:08 PM] Eva: omg i want to run out and get the one i bought
[11:59:08 PM] Chiisana: ...................
[11:59:09 PM] Chiisana: :(
[11:59:10 PM] Chiisana: LOL
[11:59:10 PM] Eva: can we pause LMAO
[11:59:13 PM] Eva: i need to use restroom too
[11:59:15 PM] Chiisana: fine.
[11:59:18 PM] Eva: ilu ilu ilu
[11:59:42 PM] Eva: GO USE THE RESTROOM AS WELL
[11:59:44 PM] Eva: MEETUP IN 3
[11:59:53 PM] Eva: GO, SOLDIER
[11:59:55 PM] Chiisana: sobbb

After the episode...
[12:19:36 AM] Chiisana: -life suddenly feels empty-
[12:19:44 AM] Chiisana: I get way too sucked up into these things
[12:19:45 AM] Chiisana: cry
[12:19:46 AM] Chiisana: what is real life

#noreally #pleaseletmemarryYonghwa #heisperfect #please #actually #awshit #ithinkishiphimwithSeohyuntoomuch #wheretobuyaYonghwaclone

Uh, now I'm just kinda afraid that I'm being misinterpreted because I'm saying that while sometimes I naturally would wish to be in a relationship, I also really don't want to be in one--seeing as how I just insulted and look down upon the majority of them. But yeah of course, whatever happens happens and anything can change anytime and we never know, and I'm not really ever actively looking for/hoping for/pursuing anyone.
Not a big deal, but like I said, I'm afraid I'm being misinterpreted xD~ also mind you that I was spewing rambling thoughts at 4 AM. |DDDD;; la la la la

Tea

I've been really into green tea lately ever since 1) I read in a health textbook that black and green teas are good for you--whereas herbal teas supposedly aren't distinctively healthy--and 2) I noticed that I get headaches a lot because I'm often dehydrated.

The company I work for is based in Taiwan, so we often have Taiwanese snacks and products around from our visitors from HQ. We recently ran out of the Kirkland brand green tea so I dug around our cabinets sullenly, and came across an interesting, sleek, cylindrical, black container that I would've NEVER thought was tea tbh LOL. And just my luck, it was green tea ♥

I found it fascinating because the pyramid-shaped teabag was originally so empty-looking that I thought I was being ripped off. ._. So I set it to brew and left for a few minutes, except when I came back IT WAS LIKE ALL THE SHRIVELED LEAVES WOKE UP WITH THEIR LEAFY ARMS OUTSTRETCHED AND YAWNING FROM THEIR LONGTIME SLUMBER AND THEN HAD BABIES OF IRON BECAUSE THAT SHIT WAS NOW GIGANTIC AND HEAVY IT WAS LIKE FUCKING SORCERY and it tasted so good I had to brew a few more cups with the same teabag even though you're not supposed to do that. #rebel

So I stalked Zenique's website and wow, I am not surprised that it's all organic because the tea's really light, but it's heavenly and refreshing.
I now have a favorite tea.<3

AND I JUST FOUND OUT THEY ONLY SELL IT IN TAIWAN AND THIS RANDOM POST IS REALLY ONLY BECAUSE I'M BOOHOO'ING OVER IT AND WANT SOMEONE TO GO TO TAIWAN AND GET ME SOME

the GIF of my life.