On turning 30

To continue my yearly tradition (ongoing for 16 years!) of taking a mirror selfie wearing this shirt:

The twintails are a statement. 😈

Ya girl turned 30 years old last month!!!! Wao.

I hate it. Two months ago I genuinely considered never letting this number leave my lips or fingertips, barely mentioning my birthday and letting my age become vague this year... But I also hate that I thought of doing that. In the end, this is a page of my book so I'd like to archive it and talk about my aging worries honestly in a world where a lot of people prefer not to (almost including me lol).

I've been determined not to change anything, unless it comes naturally or responsibilities leave no choice. I won't become a different person just to fit the mold of society's expectations for a 30 year old adult woman. In fact, I'm gonna try to lean in harder to become comfortable with all those aspects of Me that may not be a model 30 year old!

But even if I try to stay unshakable, I hate that people's expectations and connotations will change nevertheless... The judgmental things I hear will only get worse. The nagging will only gain more ammo. My excuses for my incompetences will be gone. 😞

It kills me that I'm always expected to be a presentable working professional despite my awkward social and verbal skills; it's embarrassing how little common sense I have in many basic areas and lack of life experience, no interest in cooking, all my cowardice and little confidence in most things I do — it was always my youth I'd shield myself with as an excuse... so now I'll just feel like a deadass loser at times I guess!

I've got childish tastes; I just have to accept that. Thinking that there might one day be a version of myself that outgrows Water Pixie makes me sad... Let me be cringe. Who the fuck actually cares!

And I really don't want to hear: "Aren't you too old to be wearing that?" Fashion is hard. Self expression is hard. It's not fair that we're somewhat expected only in our teens and twenties to wear fun styles, be vibrant, be a little unordinary, unpolished, be cute and expressive... In our teens and twenties, we may not have the financial freedom or confidence to find our style ;; In my self consciousness, I literally purposely dressed plainly in my teens to avoid standing out — so I'm in that period now where I want to take joy in exploring different styles! Dress cutely sometimes, dress cool sometimes, embrace my inner Wednesday Addams sometimes! Only last year did I just start getting interested in pastel colors! I want to become okay with sticking out like a sore thumb sometimes!

All of us should be free to live at our own pace. As a lifelong late-bloomer, there's a lot I haven't experienced yet and that's alright! Never have I had real dreams, nor the optimism for longterm goals and I wish that were okay too. Any timeline for life milestones is fake and I hate all this unnecessary pressure over such an inconsequential construct. Every day is just a block of time in which we experience each day's emotions and celebrate our little accomplishments, try to secure our happiness and survival for the next day, for the next week. I don't know why this suddenly went existential and idk if it's related anymore. 😆

Anyway if you ever look at me and try to tell yourself, "Whoa that's a 30 year old adult woman" — WRONG!!! I'm just an Eva out here doing her best to not implode under a splatter of pressures.

Milestone years! 15 ⇒ 20 ⇒ 25 ⇒ 30