to all of them

How we get so much flaky bluffing bullcrap, paper promises, and ventures conceived only to quickly fizzle out to disinterest--because here we see conformists insecure about being left behind, grappling blindly onto every glorified fad with lack of any substantial motivation to actually pull through or produce anything heartfelt.

Love Live! Cosplay @ JX2014

Helloo 
I keep having things I want to blog about, and then I don't have time and the moment passes by with a trace of regret. So I'll go right into it while everything's still fresh!! even though it's 3 AM and I'm fucking exhausted as fuckturded fuck aaaa.

Lately I've been really busy (friends, work, mixing, still editing the dumb video, exercise) which is maybe a good thing?? I start school again next Monday and we're ending summer vacation with a bang!

Today, my NYA friends and I attended a small anime/Japanese cultural convention here in NorCal. Our very own Karu did a dance/singing performance actually and was fantastic. ;v; It wasn't exactly an eventful con, but what really made the day for me was probably the fact that Y and I did 'casual' cosplays of Love Live. A bunch of friends and I have been planning to do a Love Live cosplay group (aiming for AX2015 and we already have fabric picked out ohoho), but Y and I are the only ones who have our wigs so decided to put them to use. xD

Following suit to how I grew an attachment to cosplaying Kagepro, we were able to meet a lot of friendly and cute fellow Love Live cosplayers and got to take pictures with them, which makes the entire experience all the more enjoyable and cosplaying worth it. We even got to do a somewhat informal but still fun photoshoot! *A* First time working with a cosplay photographer!

Sonoda Umi - "Love Bind"

Since I already had similar clothes, I decided to cosplay one of Umi's SR cards from the rhythm game mobile app School Idol Festival (which btw gets a bit addicting but it's sooo goood ffff). Except I still fail with circle lenses so as usual, I had to tip between Glasses ver. and BlindAsHell ver. cosplays.

Y made a really lovely and suiting Nozomi! *^* And she did my makeup!!! Bless her for saving my incompetent, lazy soul. (Pinned up bangs here because driving heheh)

dumb things

Perfection it is not, but I'm not sure how much more I could ask for from my friend group. I'm really, very blessed. It's already surreal to have been able to form a group of friends who met over the internet through common hobbies and musical interests, live in the same area, are all extremely talented (seriously tho-- vocals, mixing, animation, and art are all A+), are all attractive and charming in their own ways, enjoy the same tropes and dumb jokes, and click well together.

Most importantly, they're all not only genuinely good people, but good friends. The amount of support and warmth and well intentions and acceptance makes me feel so lucky to be here. Not to mention the amount of affection (shown in varying degrees and ways) and how clear everyone makes it that they love and appreciate the company of each other.

I was reminded of and revisited what I wrote in March after NYA's San Francisco adventure:

I'm also really proud of my friends. I don't think this day would've been as much fun as it was if they didn't all make such great strides in coming out of their shells. Some of us have a lot of shyness, anxiety, awkwardness, inability to express or click easily with others, fear of being loud, fear of being noticed or of garnering attention, fear to be ourselves, fear of being assertive, nervousness when in crowds, distance from others, a dislike for socializing. Sometimes it feels like there's a divide among NYA between those that are outgoing and those that aren't as outgoing, and I saw every single person that usually isn't as outgoing or has any of those traits I listed above take a step forward. By the end of the day, everyone got along greatly and didn't seem afraid. I'm so proud. :)

Since then, even greater strides have been made and more shells shattered. Of course, we're all growing and learning from experiences outside of our interactions with each other, but I really do feel as though everybody in NYA has this magnetism for bringing out the best in others. It's not even limited to us NYA members because we've seen that we've influenced those that have spent time with us, in a good way. It's really nice to see and makes me proud to be friends with such caring and cool people.

I do feel like a lot of us in the group spent most of our lives feeling as though we should suppress our true feelings and behaviors. To be honest, all of us are pretty weird in our own ways and maybe that's why we can all understand and accept each other as we are. Moreover, we see what each other has been missing from our lives and try to provide it or give a nudge towards it, and in that way, we're healing each other and building meaningful confidence. This summer especially, I've been seeing everyone mature or unlock a side to them that may have feared shameful or unworthy. In any case, I'm really happy for all of my NYA friends and happy for myself for having them. I appreciate those dumbbutts.

"I really don't care this time"

"I just want to get it done," I mumble through metaphorical sobs as has happened every time, as I render this video for the billionth time with the billionth change after the billionth time of hating it after working on it every single day for a week, at 3 AM with work in 6 hours fuck me I'm sooooooo bitter about this video but I want to get it up but I just don't like the quality of it fuck my coffee-filled veins tomorrow

It will never end.

Guess who uploaded her short film to youtube only to watch it and hate it (again) and decide to go over all of the editing (again) and is super bitter & whiny about it :D

When being detail-oriented is a curse

Maybe airing my dirty laundry out to the internet was what it took because I'm finally working on editing Kelly again so I can finally, finally upload this.... 2 and a half months after filming...............

[6:19:40 PM] Chiisana: t..there was more to work on..?!
[6:19:47 PM] Eva: i.. i was really unhappy with the result LOL
[6:19:52 PM] Eva: mostly the camera
[6:19:56 PM] Eva: because it wasn't good at getting shallow focus
[6:20:04 PM] Eva: like i wanted was for one thing to be really in focus
[6:20:09 PM] Eva: while everything else is blurry?
[6:20:22 PM] Eva: but even on the best settings, the camcorder didn't make things that blurry
[6:20:24 PM] Eva: so now i'm literally
[6:20:37 PM] Eva: going through every scene, making a copy, masking it, and adding a blur ._.

Masking out areas to be blurred: in this case, the background and the animals nearest to the camera.

And then there's keyframing because when the actress moves, I don't want her to be in the area that's blurred. (The diamonds along the bottom timeline indicate that a change was made to the masking at that point.) Thus it's a bit of 'animation' too.

I don't wanna do this kind of meticulous and tedious shit, maaaaan :(

Where's my editing team?! Where's my coffee?!! Personal masseur?!
I'm going to be a haughty filmmaker now. I demand benefits!!!!

another day passes by

and the things that I've been meaning to do are still put off:
unpacking cosplay luggage from AX.......
re-editing and uploading my short film Kelly..........
it's so hard i don't wanna do it  

Kuchibiru Kara Romantica

This is what summer's about! Just dropped a short cover that I spontaneously decided to do this evening after singing it a few times this afternoon. xD Nostalgia abound for me as this was part of Gemini's round 4 entry in DUBattle Royale, and I still like the song. I'm not even that into jazz, but this song and Scissorhands just hit the right spot?
It's so fun to sing! And I can't use this kind of stylizing/tone for most songs! AND very importantly: the notes are actually not that high!! So I can sing it! BANZAI.



[Box ver]

AAA - Kuchibiru Kara Romantica
(The Romance of Your Lips)

Happiness

NEVER. Never would I have ever expected to like exercising. What the hell?!

There was doing ab workouts for the sake of cosplay, and then everything got kicked up a notch in the past few weeks. Some friends and I have started to do sort of a "challenge" where we set ourselves a weekly goal of hours to exercise and then document our daily exercise times. At the end of the week, if you fail to reach your goal, you gotta pay up whatever amount you set for yourself. (For me, I put $1 per every half hour I'm under the goal.) And this money goes towards our hotel funds for next year's AX!

It's super effective because I have actually been exercising everyday :D! And trying new things~ I'm doing harder workouts, did a mile on a track for the first time in 5 years, have a weekly(?) 2-mile walk around a lake with friends, took a walk around and explored my neighborhood for the first time after I ate dinner yesterday. This is all a huuuuuuge feat to me considering that 1) I used to think the kitchen was too far, 2) I haven't really properly exercised since PE five years ago, 3) I used to be afraid of going outside, and 4) I still kind of dislike being seen in public.

But the right source of motivation is a strong factor. NYA is going to the beach in a week and a half. And I do like my body currently looking more fit than it used to. ^^



In other news, my jam right now is Red Velvet's "Happiness," just freshly debuted from SM. The song didn't capture me on first.. or second.. or third listen, but fuuuu I had to go buy the single off iTunes as soon as it came out LOL. The song's about how we can be happy if we stopped caring about the things that have corrupted adults: money and power; so they've already won brownie points with me for the message. I didn't really pay attention to SMROOKIES so I'm only getting to know these 4 lovely ladies now, but WOW ARE THEY TALENTED AND GORGEOUS AND ADORABLE and and and. help I really like Red Velvet.

This performance really helped to win me over ;A; They're singing live (!! f'reals, proof in the MR removed vids) and sound GOOD. WHILE DANCING WELL. AND LOOKING ENERGETIC AND GENUINELY HAPPY. AND BEING EXTRAORDINARILY PRETTY. And judging from interviews and whatever glimpses into their characters, they seem passionate about the stage and being performers. How many idols these days are like that?



From the promo material, they all look like the same person, but after seeing them perform and actively putting in effort to differentiate them, they're pretty distinct to me? ;v;

Irene (pink hair) is the leader, born in 1991 which surprises me since most debuts in k-pop now are of fetuses. She looks a bit like Na Eun and is really pretty with a feminine, classy charm. *A* I still haven't heard her properly sing. She sings and raps in Happiness and while none of it is impressive, none of it is weak? I like her.

Seulgi (orange hair) seems overflowing with talent as she's a main vocal and arguably the strongest dancer. She has so much power in her voice and her moves, and ferocity in her stare. *A* I like her too.

Wendy (blue hair) is the one with the belty SHIIINE ON MEEE high notes. She definitely can sing well and her predebut covers are rather interesting. She's from Canada! *A* I also like her.

Joy (green hair) is the youngest and looks a lot like child actress Kim Yoojung who I'm also a big fan of. //// She's just a bundle of sunshine and performs with such enthusiasm and a smile that makes me ... want to be her LOL. I look forward to getting to hear her properly sing or rap, but I do enjoy how cute her voice is. SHE'S ADORABLE. For some reason, she's the member I'm currently most drawn to. ;^;)/

Reaching for Clouds when Stars Don't Shine

Just wanted to jot down a bit about something that's been on my mind often. :D I had a pretty lengthy and interesting conversation with Yano and Kazou today about this, and I'm glad I did because it's reassuring that there are others that think the exact same way I do.

Maybe it's because I started becoming surrounded by people who desire great things: become a rock star, be a successful freelance composer, work for a big famous company, pick up and relocate, travel the world, and of course everyone I remember who aims to be a surgeon, gynecologist, a glorious lawyer for justice. There's nothing wrong with that! They do what they want!! But with exposure to that, constant external pressure to become something and decide on my path, and recently seeing into how almost everyone in my major has been actively working on films or radio to pursue their very special goal, I started wondering if there's something wrong with me. Because I have no dreams for the future.

Or so I really thought for years. But I think it's okay if your dream is to be happy and making a decently humble living. It's okay if your dream is to work a small-title job that you don't dread and that feeds you, while enriching other aspects of your life. It's okay to not have a big dream, to not want to be anything extraordinary, to take things step by step, to be content with your life! I'm actually very happy with my life right now and that's a great thing.

But in such a competitive environment where all that most family, coworkers, classmates, and acquaintances care about is when you're going to graduate and what your career plan is for the future, it's hard to not feel anxious or incompetent. University starts again later this month and that frightens me beyond the usual anxiety about attending school and being around other university students. I dipped my foot into the world of film last semester (and somehow won the sound design award for my first film, holy shit?!) and I see how serious and passionate the filmmaker-aspiring students are about their craft. And if not that, then they're managing the school's radio station or doing internships related to media.

When I go back, what can I say I've done this summer?
I worked dedicatedly hard on a cosplay, felt totally accomplished on its completion, was praised for its execution while proudly wearing it at a con. Took a break to catch up on sleep and indulge in relaxing things I like. Spent time recording and mixing for upcoming projects. Made money by working 20-25 hours a week and gained confidence in being capable in a field I've never been interested in. Started to exercise daily and am improving on my endurance and physical strength, and am actually enjoying/wanting to move despite 21 years of hating physical movement. Started working on next year's cosplay which we're excited to do a group for. Spent a lot of quality time with friends and felt like I'm building close and meaningful friendships. Been true to myself. Felt like I'm growing as a person and breaking more out of my shell. Was very happy with life in general.

Instead of that, what would people hear? Oh, Eva worked on no films or productions and has furthered herself in no way in the pursuit of a career. It's okay that that's important to them. But to me, all of the things I've done or plan to do this summer are just as important.

One of the things we discussed was how people say that you should aim high so that if you fall, you'll still be able to land yourself a formidable height. I can understand that, but it's not for me because my values and desires are different? We were talking about how if you're aiming so much for that shiny goal, oftentimes you miss out on or don't appreciate the steps in between. (I see it happening around me when people are dissatisfied that they're not successful yet, even though I think it's still possible to feel satisfied with the little achievements while journeying.) Or if you focus so much on reaching that one thing, you miss this path and that path and oh, that other path over there.

In that last case, we were referring more to having a specific, concrete goal.. but then again, most big dreamers I think wouldn't settle for an ambiguous one. After all, it's with specialization--a small surface area--that one can apply more of a push. And yet, I personally can't agree with wanting to sprint my entire life through a tube at the end of which is a narrow, little slit. To me, that's what it sounds like. Realistically, we can't control what opportunities we'll have in the future as much as we want to try. I'm sure those with real passion for what they're running towards could be able to put in the extra effort to earn themselves the job they want, but that kind of sacrifice might not be something I'm willing to expend. Realistically, a lot of people end up getting jobs or building careers in fields completely unrelated to the degrees they have. What matters is that you have a diploma, that you're competent in what you're applying for, and hardworking enough to keep the job.

So maybe I don't know what I want to do yet. So maybe I'm okay with learning everything that I can about a variety of things for now, and going after whatever opportunities later. So maybe I don't desire for much, don't want to be anyone famous, am completely happy in Norcal and in the house I'm living in (I already pay rent but willing to pay more later), happy with the job I have even if it's unrelated to my major, and want to "waste" time bonding with friends that feel like the icing on top.
If only I liked icing.

Fuwa Fuwa Time

Pre-AX and post-AX life is so different IT'S HILARIOUS AND WONDERFUL WAHAHAHA. Other than the days I have work, I literally just get out of bed between 2 to 5 PM and laze around, watch dramas, chat with friends, laze around some more with friends, play mobile games on my iPad that I'm getting a little addicted to (oops), and sing because I want to!

Though I'm finding myself in a weird slump in which I have the time to record and I have the desire to sing AND will to put effort into a cover.... but there's nothing I want to sing?! Nothing's calling out to me. There's that spark of inspiration that's missing, and it's this spark that most don't necessarily need these days because chorus battles dictate your activity whether you're passionate about it or not, but it's this spark that I find magical and organic. I think it's why I've become pretty picky about what goes up on my youtube channel (because really, I could upload anything or even nonserious short covers) because when I look through my recent videos, there are things like Tonight and Answer that make me go: Wow! This is something I actually really wanted and was motivated to do and put lots of effort into!

I do actually wanna upload a cover this summer so I'm on the quest for a song that'll motivate me. xD Maybe something new will be released in K-pop with an instrumental that I'll love and want to sing or rap?! Hopefully?!

Anyway, I started tiding over my craving for singing by revisiting old anime songs because those are fun unless they're just really out of my range... I'm enjoying it though since I only recently got back into the groove for watching anime after AX ahahah. (Except moe still annoys me and overly nonsensical things still annoy me, even more so than kdrama angsty makjang bullshit.)

I ended up uploading my one shot of Fuwa Fuwa Time (from K-On!) because using this kind of voice is super fun. =3= It's hard to find the right song for me ehehh.

Throwback because back in 2009, Chiisana and I did 2 duet versions of this song, with me supporting her Yui with my Mio, and her supporting my Mio with her Yui. :'D

But yeah, I think I just need to recharge for a bit more and then I'm .. actually.. a little too okay with starting on next year's cosplays soon already..... It's a little frightening.... LOL Deep down, a workaholic in the making. orz I'm totally enjoying this chill downtime, but I don't think I can stand personally feeling obsolete for too long? Idk, just me!

AX2014

Hi, blog! It's really been a while since I've sat down to post here without it having been... that one hour I waited in the salon for my haircut LOOOOL.

Unfortunately, I broke tradition and didn't vlog this year's AX trip D: but I don't regret it. This year was so busy and hectic and other times uneventful or frustrating. As a bonus, I was one of the hotel room holders so I took it upon myself to try to make sure I was on top of everything and could take responsibility for everything so at all times, I had something or another on my mind ;; AND there was cosplay... If I had decided to vlog, I would've been too overwhelmed and it would've been forced, holding out a camera and talking to it. I can't say that the entire trip was a pleasant time. To be entirely honest, I feel guilty that there were times I could no longer hold it in so there was once I had a mini breakdown and a few times I just withdrew into a little sulky, irritable ball in a corner. So in some senses, I feel like I failed as the leader figure pillar I was trying to be and I'm sorry to my hotelmates for that. But all that aside!! Regardless of whether things were positive or negative, it was all an interesting experience we learned from.

Ultimately, I did have a great time and I'm so glad that I go to AX every year. It's not really about the con, but about the people and experience. Sharing a hotel room with ~10 people (we had 2 rooms and 16 people total, but the distribution every night turned out a bit uneven so my room was often jam packed haha) and making new friends and becoming a family is an incredible adventure. There's so much warmth and mirth. <3 Anywhere you go, you have friends who're like family who really care about you and readily give hugs and support. That's really how I'll always remember our hotel room family this year. ^^

I don't have that many pictures because of being busy or otherwise just hanging out with friends casually (which doesn't make for an exciting photo or vlog subject).
The result of my Puzzle & Dragons Water Courier Ruka cosplay you can find in this post here! Summary and other pics from AX2014 under the cut! :>

Water Courier Ruka Cosplay @ Anime Expo 2014

Next time I decide on a cosplay, please remind me to imagine myself wearing the character's outfit because I clearly didn't think it through when I committed myself to Water Courier Ruka from the game Puzzle & Dragons LOL. I'm embarrassed to say the least about wearing this costume, buuuuuut...... since I worked my ass off on it, I should post the results at least here, right? (Facebook and twitter don't need to know-- Esp facebook PLEASE don't let this ever get onto there. orz)

This is actually my first time ever making a cosplay. ;_; All of the Kido stuff Yano, Myst, and Chiisana made for me because we were rushing the last weekend before AX and I didn't know how to use a sewing machine. So doing this Ruka cosplay was my first time using a sewing machine, first time using craft foam, spray paint, acrylic paint....... Sadly I couldn't get my green circle lenses in my eyes, but there's always next year! I still have tons of things to fix now that I know better. :>

I started in January, worked like a snail during the school semester, and then basically worked on this day and night once school let out haha. And in between, I'd been obsessively doing ab workouts, though to very little fruition. Anyway, this is how the cosplay turned out!

Some of us had been talking about having a Puzzle & Dragons cosplay group since AX last year, and then coincidentally they announced not too long ago that they'd be having a booth this year! So we actually received some goodies from the staff and got to take a lot of pictures in front of the booth haha.

Me as Water Courier Ruka
Myst as Princess Valkyrie
Chiisana as Tamadra

8D

I've slept ~1 hour in the past 40 hours, and it was a series of naps during video renders.

Light Falls (like the realization of impending cosplay doom)

Oh hi, long time no blog LOL. Casually writing this on my iPad while waiting at the salon 'cause Yano and I wanna get our hair cut before AX. =^=)b Speaking of AX, it's next week. FFFUUUUU--

Somehow I was able to pull a short cover out of my ass in time for Denny's birthday!

(Box ver)

Happy birthday, Denny!!

I know you're receiving at least 3 of these today but THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING SO PUBLICLY IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG. D8 (I wanted to whisper loli but ..nope not this time)

This isn't nearly enough to repay you for being a cool friend and for having been by my side through some of my darkest times, but please know that I really appreciate you. TAKE MY FEELS ASSHOLE TAKE EM

Sorry didn't have time for more or harmonies sob

Light Falls - vocaloid song produced by yuxuki waga

Uum, aside from recording (+rush mixing before work) this, I've been super busy everyday working on cosplay, working overtime because I'm doing another video for work, helping friends with their cosplays, recording lines....... yeah. 8'D

Since we leave for LA early Wednesday morning (think 5 AM), Tuesday's the last day... and I work Monday and Tuesday, sooo probably gonna be an all-nighter weekend LOL.

Just really frustrating because time spent doing cosplay is bad for my body since I generally work sitting scrunched over on the ground and I'm so concentrated I forget to drink water but I crave unhealthy junk foods..... But if I spend my time working out to look better in the costume, I won't have a completed costume to even wear. DAMN IT LOL. And then I can't do cosplay or exercise when I'm at work.. but I also need money in order to go to AX. orz ahahah~ I already sleep at 3-4 AM every night but I wish there was more time in a day! I have a lot of motivation to exercise!! I just don't have time and I'm always dead exhausted.

It occurred to me that I don't really have progress pictures oops EHEH. But it's really a lot of constructing parts and props separately? I've still yet to see everything I have put together. Last night I painted on the design on Ruka's top! Hopefully I'll be able to sew the top together today or tomorrow. Skirt's done, sleeves done, fins and tail done, ears painted and in process of being put together, belt is spraypainted but needs touchup and sealant, wig needs a second look/possible waxing, some details like bows that need to be attached..... I'll probably be okay for AX?! I thinkkkk???!! I can't promise that anything looks good or that I'll look good though LOL.

Wow I think I finished writing the post and I'm still waiting for my haircut. What else.. Jk Yano finished bye AHAHA