Now listening to: AKB48 - #SukiNanda

Hi! I hope anyone reading this has been doing well and taking care of themselves 💕

TAT I feel like I've been doing really, really well myself ever since the holidays and it's rather awesome! It's great that my New Year's resolutions are fresh in my mind, as I've been consciously trying to keep at them/move towards them and I feel like I'm in a good place where my irrational thoughts are in check, I'm in tune with myself, I spend time doing things I enjoy, I'm driven to work at goals without being overloaded, and I'm always reminded that people support me. QUQ

Physically, I've recovered a good amount too! This week, I went to my first kpop dance practice since my lung surgery, planning to take breaks whenever I felt that I was pushing it—but I must've been in amazing condition that day because I kept up the entire time, didn't need more breaks than the others, and had no pain or trouble breathing! Unfortunately Chungha's "Gotta Go" dance has lots of chest movements so I had to go lightly on those, but I was shocked that I danced for hours without issue!!! Once in a while though, like today, I do still get scares of sudden pain, but at this point I've been through enough of them that never have serious consequences that I can calmly wait them out like, "yeah ok I'll just go back to the hospital if I need to lol" 👌



It's kind of huge to me that I'm back in the groove of mixing and singing/recording—they're such a big part of me but also such a time/energy commitment that it sucks when it feels like a chore or when I feel discouraged. ;u; This past week especially, I've been making good progress.

I have to make the confession that I've realized that I may have been lowkey putting off finishing my solo cover that I'd worked on since last March... It's true that I've been busy and some projects had to be prioritized over it, but others perhaps I kept cheating in the queue because I've been very afraid that my solo cover won't be good enough. I mean, just look at the way I talk about it LOL. Like ooooh it's my ~big girl~ comeback since my last solo in 2016 wowwsss such important project~~ And the longer my solo inactivity and the more aspects of it I decide to try putting effort into, the more I feel pressured that this ought to be the perfect representation of my skills—nothing less :<

Anyway, I dove back into it and fixed many things in the animation and mix that I had issues with and ....rerecorded a large portion of the mains. 8D;; I guess it's a.. positive thing that I improved at singing over the past year enough that I disliked a lot of my recordings? This upload still won't be super spectacular but I'm finally making it happen so there's that..! yells



Here's a random thing: I'm finally regularly gaming again with Maplestory 2!!! A bunch of friends and I had a Christmas LAN party, started the game together, and have been doing all the dungeon quests together >u< It's a fun game with lots to do; I really like it!

wow i love toasting marshmallows on my fake beach

My chara just has basic, non-paid items but I'm more than happy with the default aesthetic... It's cute //v//



And another tangent: yesterday I watched Crazy Rich Asians for the second time! Still loved it, still cried, although it didn't break me as hard as the first time. It's still an incredibly emotional experience—Rachel's journey and obstacles, the beautifully touching scenes that are both gorgeous visually and sentimentally tender, the painfully toxic dispositions that are true as hell to Asian culture, the fact that I understand the Cantonese in the movie, hearing Chinese songs that my parents listen to, the fact that there's a hugely renowned successful film that's a love letter to people like me!

The first time around, I described the movie as a Monstrous Personal Attack LOL because it all felt too relatable. Feeling like you'll never measure up to enough, feeling like you've failed to be as "successful" as you were expected to be, feeling like you're the disgrace that nobody in the family is proud of or supports, feeling very much judged and criticized by relatives from another country, feeling like you don't quite belong in any culture.

I'm happy to say that I no longer feel as much of a victim to these things anymore. Some things have changed, like me being able to be more honest and vocal about what made me unhappy, a shift in sympathy from others' perspectives (perhaps related to my hospitalization incident), and it's also helped that my bosses gave me a big raise in October and continually tell me that I'm valued and doing good work. ^^ It's honestly improved my life sooooo much to no longer feel guilted about how much money I make, how many hours I work, how much I sleep/waste time, how I chose an "unglorious" career path that means I will never be rich. Here in the Bay Area, it's an extremely competitive environment and I have friends whose salaries are twice the amount of mine because of their field. But honestly I think that's okay and it shouldn't define me ;; I did pay a fortune on my hospital bills but fuck it, I earned enough financial security that I'm privileged enough that I really shouldn't waste my worries on money. As long as I can keep living, it's fine. I think I'm still doing a good job and I'm glad that the pressure is off me now!