If You Can Dream

My friends are so maso wtf. I really didn't expect to receive Ice Cream Cake, but I expected even LESS that that present was partially to throw me off the trail of ANOTHER epic birthday present?!

So a few months ago, Erin asked me to fill in for her If You Can Dream collab because her Ariel "dropped out last minute." Of course I said yes because I love Erin (she's the sweetest), I'm still obsessed with Disney Princesses (I own the DVD that has the MV for the song), I love the song (attempted a collab of it in 2007), and Ariel is my absolute FAAAAAAVORITE. *^*

Fast forward to Fanime last weekend.
I'm getting milkshakes with Chiisana, Sophie/Kuroko, Fome, Dibur, and Yano. Suddenly Sophie hands me her phone and earbuds, and tells me she has something to show me.

......???
A video starts. Wait. Ryan. Is this the Ryan I know? WHOA, NOW EVEN JEFFREY... AND JAY........ IS THIS ANOTHER GEMINI THING HOLY SHIT?!
Then the intro song ends and the title for If You Can Dream comes up.
My first reaction: "WHAT!!! YOU GUYS SANG THIS SONG WITHOUT ME?!"
.........
..................
=____=;;;;; They're so sneaky. Suuuuch tricksters. Wow.

Seriously though aaaaa what an epic collab! All of my precious Gemini family, and sweeties Erin and Robby who featured in Gemini's PonPonPon, and the talented members of NYA (NorCal Youtube Alliance) who I hang out with irl?! And the insanely adorable art is by Aaron and Kanso who I adore and got to see last weekend too?! Jackpot. Man, I'm so lucky!!

Everyone sounds so goooood!! Really, not a single weak spot imo. Mix and video are flawfree; I love the unexpected blend in vocals and the touch of the silhouettes. So many of my friends came together for this—I can't believe it. And it's NYA's first completed collab too! I love it to bitssssss *u* I've had it on repeat since last week~ It's such an honor to receive something so lovely ;A;

I'm gonna shamelessly point out that my most repeated part tbh is the part near the end with Chris/Hakuro's solo followed by Jeffrey's because KRISTOFF x SVEN OTP (the! adorable! art! doesn't! help!) and they're both the precious young boy characters of NYA and Gemini respectively who are blossoming into young men before our eyes QuQ;;.... Pets them both.... And AAAAgh they sound so good I squeal. I've never heard Chris belt or falsetto like that before and it sounds wonderful/// and then rings in Jeffrey's heavenly voice that I may or may not have once had a slight voice crush over before...... I'm just gonna go hide in a corner now so please treat yourself to this beautiful piece!

【GemiNYA】 If You Can Dream 「HBD Eva! 」

Vocals (In Order of Appearance)

Mickey Mouse - Ryan https://www.youtube.com/user/RyanEatPho 
Sven - Jeffrey https://www.youtube.com/user/jevacado 
Jiminy Cricket - Jay https://www.youtube.com/user/jaysingyou 

Ariel - Eva https://www.youtube.com/user/waterpix...
Jasmine - Mimi https://www.youtube.com/user/mimimois...
Aladdin - Robby https://www.youtube.com/user/llfyrell 
Pocahontas - Lucy https://www.youtube.com/user/Lyrratic 
Elsa - Yano https://www.youtube.com/user/yanoviP 
Anna - Karu https://www.youtube.com/user/karufuruu 
Olaf - Dibur https://www.youtube.com/user/diburmak... 
Cinderella - Erin https://www.youtube.com/user/RamenBlo... 
Prince Charming - Shades https://www.youtube.com/user/ShadesDa... 
Belle - Chiisa https://www.youtube.com/user/Chiisana... 
Beast - Kazou https://www.youtube.com/user/soundmut... 
John Smith - Chishio https://www.youtube.com/user/ChishioYT 
Kristoff - Hakuro https://www.youtube.com/user/ItsHakuro 
Prince Eric - Fome https://www.youtube.com/user/Fome 

===

Illustrations:
Aaron http://aeror404.deviantart.com/
Kanso @kanso_sp

Animation: 
Kuroko https://www.youtube.com/user/backstag...
Diji https://www.youtube.com/user/dijidori

Mix: Mimi, Ryan, Chiisa, Fome

~

Honestly, the sole reason for the delay in making this post was because I didn't have time until today to sit down and combine all the art together into one image.
LET US APPRECIATE THIS ENDLESSLY ADORABLE ART * 7 * !!

TWENTYTWO

OKAY OKAY~ I'm late as always, but I'm too stubborn to let my yearly traditions die—so here is my Birthday Girl shirt mirror selfie for when I turned 22 on May 2nd!

I've seriously been posting this every single year since I turned 15 my freshman year of high school LOL. (Last year's; too embarrassed to link any older ones)

And now I'm a graduate! ;A;
My parents borrowed the cap at the last minute on grad day lol. And Chiisana did my hair and make-up~

Oops I entirely forgot to put on the white dress shirt this time lmao yolo too late oh well

Graduation/Fanime '15

FUCK. SUMMER STARTS /RIGHT NOW/.

Oh my god the past week has been insaaaaane.

It started last Wednesday when I went in to volunteer at the cable TV studio that I interned for this semester (they're also a community media center so after you get the right training, members can volunteer on productions).
I was operating one of the cameras on a TV studio taping........... and I FAINTED. LMAO. IT WAS HORRIFYING. I FELT SO BAD. But I also kind of laugh because of how pathetic I am and how horrible my luck is, and it's just so me to faint in the absolute worst case scenario.
The irony is that the show was about fitness and health LOL. So we've got all these trainers and health gurus talking on camera..... And aside from a weird headache I woke up with, I felt pretty fine? In fact, it all happened in the span of 5 minutes. Around the time the director called for 15 minutes to the end of the segment, I started feeling a bit dizzy and like I wanted to eat something, especially something sweet. (We suspect it was a blood sugar/pressure issue.) By the time the director called 10 minutes, I was like, "AGH OKAY I JUST HAVE TO ENDURE 10 MORE MINUTES THEN I CAN SIT DOWN." But then my vision started going blurry... I was seeing static and colors that weren't there, notably red... Everything started sounding bassy and I couldn't tell what anyone was saying anymore; it was a bit like the sensation of being hopelessly drunk. And then I was down :'D The floor director saw me losing control and caught me, and I faintly remember the people on set freaking out. The best part is that the director was shouting, "WHAT HAPPENED TO CAMERA 2!!" through my headset, so the first thing I did when I regained consciousness seconds later was get up and fix my camera framing LMAO. Still, I feel horrible for interrupting the taping and for worrying people sigh. That wasn't a good day at all.

Then Thursday was the biannual student short film festival at my school! ^^ I won an award a year ago, but this time wasn't able to participate in any of the films shown. Afterwards, I got to have fun hanging out and drinking with schoolmates for the first time! .......And last time as a student..... ;^; (Still yay! I guess better late than never!)

On Friday, I graduated from university. Q_______Q
Since I don't care much for festivities and conventions, I didn't buy a cap and gown because it's fucking expensive. $60 for some fabric I'm only going to wear for 4 hours and then never again, to take some low quality pictures for people I don't have much reason to be grateful to, to pretend to celebrate something I never got to feel like was a great or honored achievement anyway. Graduation wasn't a good day. Actually, I was pretty depressed and angry. Meh.

As it was our department-only convocation, every graduate had the chance to make a speech; and most of them went on long sentimental rambles that likely exceeded their 30 second limits. ..True to my nature—having been the only valedictorian in high school among 7 that did not give a speech—I made the shortest and least emotional "speech" out of the ~70 students that showed up LOL....

In the end, my parents borrowed at the last minute the gown of a family friend, that I slipped on afterwards to take some pictures haha.

On the bright side, Chiisana (who came back for the weekend) did my hair and make-up!

blessu stylist chiisana saves my life

glorious ugly university of perpetual construction work

On Saturday, I went to Fanime! Got to meet up with and hang out with frieenddsss~ We were at a milkshake place when they suddenly sprung THIS FREAKING VIDEO ("If You Can Dream" by GemiNYA) on me and I looooooost my shit LOL. That will get its own post though! God, I have a lot of posts to make still.

That night was the BACK-ON concert, which was awesome! They're the rare j-rock band that I actually really like whose music I've bought.. Tbh Chiisana and I weren't planning on getting Fanime badges until we found out BACK-ON was the musical guest xDD But yeah, they were great! Unfortunately I don't know how to appreciate instrumentalists but they seemed solid, and the vocalists had a crazy amount of endurance and energy. My favorite songs by them are: Nibun no Ichi and Departure, which were a ton of fun live!

We also went to Fanime on Sunday, but without badges.
I cosplayed UH.... my makeshift "maid version" of Kido Tsubomi from Kagerou Project (anime Mekakucity Actors) which basically was an excuse to wear pants and sneakers under a maid dress.

PC: Chiisana

With Myst, who bravely sang a solo during the Maid Cafe performances! It was great because we went over to congratulate Myst on the performance and took a pic together, and then people started showing up that wanted to take pictures with the both of us HAHA.

That night, I went over to sleep over at Myst's house where Kanso/Sean was staying for the weekend.

I've made countless posts on here and tumblr in which I'm bullying Kanso because he cosplays Kano Shuuya who Kido kind of.. violently abuses because he's a mischievous idiot. AND FINALLY Kanso gets his revenge this year as he was Policeman Rin and I a weeaboo civilian :c

AX 2013

This is a better picture to show all the abuse lol, but I wanted to post this one because we took it literally minutes after the very first time we met! When we bumped into each other at the Artist Alley at AX! And now we're real friends and stuff and that's cooool ;A; except for, y'know, when he arrests me.

Fanime 2015

Then Monday, we briefly went back to the con to meet up with people and I spent the day hanging out with friends and got some really good ramen and dessert ;u;

Tuesday, I tried some "deep fried pho" (surprisingly yummy~) and went to the mall with some of the schoolmates I drank with after the film fest. ^^ Yaaay friends!!!! Better late than never yay!! Afterwards, I joined the Valkyrie Kiss (Dibur's band) members, Yano, and Fome for VK's bassist Tik's birthday.

AND TODAY. I had my first real job interview. OHMYGAH. See, I've only ever had one interview before and it was the internship one. One of my coolest professors, who's for some reason super generous to me, referred me to a part time position for a creative content company. IT WAS SO NERVE-WRACKING. I'm naturally awkward, but I guess I have no regrets since I did my best! Q^Q YAY I FEEL LIKE SO MUCH IS OFF MY SHOULDERS NOW. I feel reneeewwweeddddd.

YAY I'M GLAD IT'S OVER AND I DID IT.

Finally I can rest a little. Maybe. Idk. I have a lot to catch up on.

BEST ICE CREAM CAKE EVER

So I have a story to tell about what happened today in the Gemini chat.

It all started (for me) in the chat we had for executing O.K, which was Gemini's secret birthday present to Chiisana. I basically finished the mix and videos days ago, and frankly was confused as to why we haven't revealed it to Chiisana yet—especially since it's been a week since her birthday. But I was clearly alone in wanting to give Chiisana her gift asap, even if it meant I weren't around for it, since the others were adamant about making sure everything was perfect and that all of the Gemini members were online during the reveal.

Cut to today, when after very busy days, we finally found a window during which the majority of or all of the members could be online simultaneously AND able to join a skype call.

Scheming abound over in the O.K chat:

[5/18/2015 2:55:01 PM] Eva: i'm kinda scared chiisa's gonna go nap so i'll try to keep talking to her

[5/18/2015 2:57:19 PM] Eva: oh man it's almost 8 AM in australia
[5/18/2015 2:57:24 PM] Eva: wonder if jeffrey would be up..
(note: actually I miscalculated because I didn't realize he moved to a different timezone)

[5/18/2015 3:01:01 PM] 「 Mimi  」: or I can be like
[5/18/2015 3:01:02 PM] 「 Mimi  」: gaisssss
[5/18/2015 3:01:08 PM] 「 Mimi  」: we can haz call
[5/18/2015 3:01:10 PM] 「 Mimi  」: benton's studying for finals
[5/18/2015 3:01:13 PM] 「 Mimi  」: I'm ronery
[5/18/2015 3:01:14 PM] 「 Mimi  」: ;[
[5/18/2015 3:01:18 PM] Raien: yeah that works lmao
[5/18/2015 3:01:27 PM] Eva: yeah i'd believe that the most ahah

(note: hot babe is jeffrey. we have reasons for calling him our resident troll)
[5/18/2015 5:22:47 PM] Hot Babe: i HATE
[5/18/2015 5:22:48 PM] Hot Babe: being AWKE
[5/18/2015 5:22:52 PM] Hot Babe: SO EARLY
[5/18/2015 5:22:56 PM] Hot Babe: LIF EIS A POO
[5/18/2015 5:23:07 PM] 「 Mimi  」: hi jeffrey!
[5/18/2015 5:23:16 PM] Hot Babe: he000l0ol
[5/18/2015 5:26:51 PM] Eva: LOL HI JEFFREY!!!!
[5/18/2015 5:26:58 PM] Eva: okay roll call
[5/18/2015 5:27:03 PM] Eva: GOOD MORNING JEFFREY
[5/18/2015 5:27:05 PM] Eva: THANKS FOR WAKING UP
[5/18/2015 5:27:11 PM] Eva: eva is present who's present
[5/18/2015 5:27:11 PM] 「 Mimi  」: I'M PRESENT
[5/18/2015 5:27:14 PM] Jay: yayy jeffrey ur here finallyyyy

BUT JEFFREY ARRIVES WITH BAD NEWS.

[5/18/2015 5:34:24 PM] Hot Babe: i am leaving
[5/18/2015 5:34:26 PM] Hot Babe: for class
[5/18/2015 5:34:26 PM] Hot Babe: in 5 mins
[5/18/2015 5:34:27 PM] Hot Babe: xox

[5/18/2015 5:34:37 PM] Jay: UH LETS ROLL
[5/18/2015 5:34:40 PM] Jay: I MEAN LETS FLOY
[5/18/2015 5:34:40 PM] Eva: let's gooo
[5/18/2015 5:34:43 PM] Eva: LET'S FLOY   (note: we are mocking jeffrey's opening lines in O.K)
[5/18/2015 5:34:43 PM] Eva: LOLL
[5/18/2015 5:34:45 PM] Hot Babe: what so we do
[5/18/2015 5:35:19 PM] Eva: jeffrey get on gemini chat and call it and then we'll react like WTF JEFFREY WANTS A CALL? THIS IS WEIRD
[5/18/2015 5:35:28 PM] Eva: and [chiisa]'s curiosity will do the rest of the work

The Gemini chat is calling!! There's chaos. Why is Jeffrey calling? Wtf??? Chiisana hurry and pick up; we're all in call now!

She joins us. There's a brief awkward silence as NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO DO.

Suddenly I go, "OH MY GOD..... THIS IS SO FUNNY. WAIT I THINK YOU GUYS HAVE TO WATCH THIS VIDEO HAHAHA. IT JUST SHOWED UP ON MY SUBSCRIPTIONS,"
and I link the O.K video.
We all revel in Chiisana's shock and happy tears. ;u;

Suddenly, Jeffrey interjects with, "Guys I'm leaving for class in one minute." I think to myself, hey the video is only 2 minutes and 30 second's long. That should be enough time for Chiisa to make it through the song before Jeffrey leaves.

And then Mimi says, "Hey, this is a pretty cool video too!"
AND WHAT DOES SHE LINK?
GEMINI SINGING RED VELVET'S ICE CREAM CAKE AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO ME.

At this point, it's been over a minute of Chiisana going, "What is happening...? Oh my gosh... You guyyyss.... I can't believe it........."
BUT NOW WE ARE BOTH competing broken records of: "What is happening..... Oh my gosh..... What theeeeeee.... What is this........" except with the addition of "HOOOOOLY SHIIIIIIIIT WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS?? DID I JUST GET RICK ROLLED?!??!!"

Chiisana: "I'm so confused.."
Me: "I think I'm more confused.. I THOUGHT I WAS IN CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION.... "

And naturally, Jeffrey has to go to class and ends up hanging up before I recover from reeling from shock LMAO. Love that punk of a kid.

Man, I don't care that we call Jay our resident saint; they're all sneaky little devils :'(! I had nooooo idea.... And the whole time, I thought I was calling the shots around here too LOL.

This is a really lovely cover though; I'm so happy!!! My bbbbyyys all sound absolutely charming, the blend is on point as always, video's got hella more aesthetic game than I've got, and the mix is great! Aaaaaahhh I can't believe they pulled this off—not because I don't believe in their ability, but because they're such busy people that I never expected them to take so much time out of their lives to make something like this for me ;_; Wahhhh I'm so thankful. This is the best family. <3

Please check out my awesome friends' work!!


【Gemini】 Red Velvet - Ice Cream Cake 「HBD Eva! 」

Song: Ice Cream Cake 
Original: Red Velvet
MP3: https://app.box.com/s/j2rxqsbbo3nmgd7...

Vocals:
Ryan (http://www.youtube.com/RyanEatPho)
Jay (https://www.youtube.com/user/jaysingyou) 
Jeffrey (https://www.youtube.com/user/jevacado) 
Mimi (https://www.youtube.com/user/mimimois...) 
Chiisana (http://www.youtube.com/ChiisanaChanx3)

Mix: Chiisana, Ryan, Mimi 
Video: Jay
Image Editing: Mimi

Gemini’s back!
And we don’t know about you, but Eva’s feeling 22, so happy belated! ♥
Not gonna lie, this project was a mixing fiasco and a half because we had to do it all without our lovely and talented mixer, Eva ;___; DON’T EVER LEAVE US GIRL. WE APPRECIATE YOU. In its entirety, this project was literally mixed down and passed around at least 3-4 times between Mimi, Ryan, and Chiisa prior to completion = u = In light of that, we hope you all enjoy this special treat since we haven’t posted in a while! We promise we actually have a lot coming up right around the corner, so keep an eye out! And finally to our precious leader Eva -we hope this lives up to your standards ♥ we did our best to learn from your example and we can’t thank you enough for doing all that you do as a one woman super team C: CAN WE BE LIKE YOU WHEN YOU GROW UP? weloveyoubbygirl ♥

WAHHH THEY'RE SO NICE. <33333 And rapping!Chiisana is back YAY!

Also, this is the song that I liked so much that I had it on repeat for a while, learned the the rap, and even learned the dance to the chorus. (And I will fiercely deny that I dance, even in the face of videographic evidence.)

So I'm kinda mad. I would have wanted to sing this song with them!!! HMPH. (I really love them bah)

Me, Mimi, Chiisana, Jay, and Ryan during our meet-up in 2012

Jeffrey and I don't deserve any better than this quality when we're together tbh.

Fruit of my labor

YO.
I just turned in MY VERY LAST EVER SCHOOL ASSIGNMENT, in the form of final essays that I epicly procrastinated on.. which I try never to do for schoolwork but HOLY SHIT the senioritis got real. I'm attending my graduation ceremony this Friday.

[11:54:37 PM] Eva: i'm so excited man
[11:54:46 PM] Eva: i've got 0 plans and 0 obligations or responsibilities tomorrow
[11:54:54 PM] Eva: ........and then i remember that i'm supposed to cosplay but.
[11:55:09 PM] Eva: .........shrivels into a craisin
[11:55:19 PM] Eva: i'm a craisin i have no responsibilities.

O.K~!

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IT'S FINALLY OUT!!!!
The birthday festivities for Chiisana continue! ^___^
See: SPiCa -acoustic arrange ver- (for Chiisana & Ryan)

This one is a present from my beloved family Gemini to Chiisana, featuring the rocks she drew in 2011 during DUBattle LMAO!

I'm actually pretty proud of this mix ;u; Tried a bunch of new things, which was a cool experience. I learned a lot and think I improved through this!
Gemini vocals though<333

Please enjoy:


【Gemini】 B1A4 - O.K 「HBD Chiisana! 」

Happy belated birthday to our lovely gem Chiisana! We hope your birthday /rocked/…!! ♥
We’d also like to thank Rock-kun for his special guest cameo appearance~ He really rocked it! Rocks. 8D

Chiisana Rock // http://www.youtube.com/ChiisanaChanx3

Jeffrey Rock // http://www.youtube.com/jevacado (unaffection)
Mimi Rock // http://www.youtube.com/mimimoiselle (x3LoveyDovey)
Eva Rock // http://www.youtube.com/waterpixieva
Ryan Rock // http://www.youtube.com/RyanEatPho
Jay Rock // http://www.youtube.com/JaySingYou

♥♥♥

Illustrations: Chiisana (from 2011)
Video: Eva

Tuning: Ryan
Mix: Eva

MP3: https://app.box.com/s/uf4lrdjrg0b336x...

Stay tuned~ You haven't seen the last of Gemini ^^! Thanks for watching~

SPiCa

YAAAAAAAAAY
It's been soooooo long since the last time a project I was heavily involved in has been completed and released. Q^Q

It was my bestestestest friend Chiisana's birthday yesterday, and this one has been uploaded for that occasion!

It's Parefura (Palette's Fragment) and Gemini's first collab, dedicated to Chiisana and Ryan who are important members of both groups.

THE VOCALS ARE KIND OF 2 YEARS OLD..... and I mixed it mostly 2 years ago and kept going back to revise it over the course of 2 years and I'm still disappointed by my mixing............ but!!!! still a lovely collab I'm glad to be a part of. I'm very thankful for our artist Reiru and animator Curry who worked really hard for us!


 
【PareFura x Gemini】 SPiCa -acoustic arrange ver- 【For Chiisana & Ryan】

★MP3: https://app.box.com/s/aunmpmqwn1ovk4s...
===

Vocals:
Chiika || http://www.youtube.com/user/Symphonic...
Xephy || http://www.youtube.com/user/Xephy13
Mari || http://www.youtube.com/user/ruukai
Ian || http://www.youtube.com/user/Kyosukexp
Mango || http://www.youtube.com/user/Mangekyox3

Eva || https://www.youtube.com/user/waterpix...
Mimi || https://www.youtube.com/user/mimimois...
Jeffrey || https://www.youtube.com/user/unaffection
Jay || https://www.youtube.com/user/JaySingYou

SPiCa acoustic ver
Composer: TokuP
Original Singer: Hatsune Miku
Original: http://www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm12611983

Illustrations: Reiru || http://reiru.flavors.me/
Animation: Curry || https://www.youtube.com/user/SachiiKou
Mixing: Eva || https://www.youtube.com/user/waterpix...

~

Reiru's art is adorable, and it's always an honor to be drawn. Can I just take a moment to admire this coloring/texturing.....

F5 Refresh

After so long of repeating, "I wanna try dyeing my hair red someday!" I've finally gone and done it!! ..Kinda.
I didn't get it bleached so this is about as red as it can get from my natural black. :> It's not quite the dark auburn/burgundy I would have found ideal, but I do like it with enough light exposure! Most of the time when I'm indoors, it just looks almost black though...

It's 3:33 AM and I'm leaving in 2 and a half hours to the airport because my company's annual trip is a cruise to Alaska! We're departing from Vancouver, so I'll be spending a night in Vancouver, then taking a bus down to Seattle. :D

It's gonna be quite an adventure. Hopefully it'll make up for how stressful the past few weeks have been trying to pull everything together so that I can be gone for these 6 days and be prepared despite allllllllllllll the stuff that's due. -falls over-

Also, I've just turned 22 years old! My annual birthday tradition will have to wait til I'm back LOL..
It's so strange; this might be the first in many years that I haven't been all, "I can't believe I just turned __ I'M NOT READYYYY."
But I've been preparing myself mentally for turning 22 in the past couple months.. I was planning to dye my hair for my 22nd birthday and somewhat wanted it to happen sooner.. I want change. I want change in preconceptions, lifestyle, attitude, confidence, whatever. Been wanting to move on from myself in a way haha. In this anticipation, I ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY THOUGHT I WAS 22 ALREADY LAST WEEK...... But now it's here and not a big deal :'D!

I'll mostly be internetless while on this trip, soooo~ be back in a week!!

Food for Thought: Uncertainty & Failure

Hi~ I just wanted to jot down some thoughts right now before the words escape me. ;u; I've been thinking about these things constantly lately not only because of my imminent college graduation, but also because a ton of people around me have recently been expressing anxieties, fears, and discouragement over the uncertain future.

If anyone's reading this and also shares these kinds of concerns, I hope you won't feel like you're experiencing this alone because you're definitely not. ;u;)/ It sucks that we're going through this, but I hope I can be at least a glimmer of encouragement for my friends.. No one should feel like it's an inherent problem within themselves or like there's something wrong with them. ;;

Because really, uncertainty's plague is inevitable and unperishable on every person—and it's an issue that people have either found some way to deal with, or have yet to. This all might be a gloomy way of looking at things, but interpret it how you will. And working through this is also for myself~

❥Misconceptions:
I'm still afraid of the future because I don't have some kind of surefire plan or direction to carry me through it. I think that I'm firmly on the path to failure and doom because I don't think I'm talented/capable/passionate/special/prepared enough to survive, and that I'm sure to lose to those people who know what they're doing.
I have the misconception that there are "winners" in this world (of whom I don't associate myself with), who will always undoubtedly succeed.
I have the misconception that most people and adults have their paths locked in place without a hitch. Therefore, I'm in the minority and not ready to be an adult.

And thankfully, I've been gaining perspective lately that have been helping me realize that these misconceptions are just exactly that. I mean, there could be some people out there who somehow miraculously embody these misconceptions???? Regardless, most people are more similar to us.

❥A Surface Is Just a Surface:
There's a coworker I've been talking to a lot lately who I believe has got 16 years on me. I work with mostly adults. And these adults never explicitly discuss their uncertainties in the realm of careers, either in the present or future. I've always gotten the impression that they're "locked in" without any room for any kind of apprehension. But this coworker was the first full fledged grown-up who's ever expressed in my company that...how smooth surfaces appear may not be how they actually are. You have to keep up certain impressions even if things aren't as in control as you'd assume. And failure is always a possibility, but it's not really a big deal. And that you can have non-career-related interests and pursuits that are also important and a large part of who you are. Careers are neither definite, nor define you. And he handles it all so coolly without worry, like it's just the natural order of life. Because you know, I think it is.

❥Not Everyone's an Expert:
It's helped that I've been exposed to working adults and professional workplaces a lot in the past few months. All these people that from a glance I would have assumed have everything all together, who are probably out of my league because they're competent enough to be hired for these jobs that I'm scared would reject me—they're not really too different... At the place I'm interning at, there are employees who don't actually know everything about what I'd expect them to know. And they're still respected, functioning employees who are adaptively learning.

❥Searching, Not Lost:
By first impression, I looked up to one of the volunteer coordinators at the film festival I volunteered at earlier this year, thinking she must be really something to be in this position. But in the afternoon I spent as her assistant sitting by her side, I learned that she's also still looking for a path and keeping options open. She wants to try this and that, go here and there. She cheerily asked colleagues to recommend her to non-profits she could possibly work with, but never seemed pessimistic, dismal, or unconfident at the lack of guarantee.

❥The Mother Who Went Back to School:
There's a charming woman whom I've seen several times collaborating with film students on projects. She's cool, competent, optimistic, unceasingly smiling and willing to help with anything. I always assumed she was 1) a teacher or staff member, 2) a professional, or 3) a friend helping out because of side interests in the arts.
But I really got to know her on the film shoot I worked on last month—it turns out that she's a student who once had a high-paying corporate job! She went touring with her theatre major daughter who was considering universities, and she wished that she could work and be in a theatre environment too. Her daughter's answer turned her life around: "That's easy, Mom. Just quit your job and go back to school."

I look at these adults like peering into an obscured mirror, because it's the closest thing to looking at the future—which really doesn't exist. It arrives as the present and becomes a memory. But despite being nonexistent, it's the most frightening.

❥Failure and Perfectionism:
I can't believe I actually attained life lessons from school LOL. My professors this semester have discussed some things I now think everyone should know.
One of my professors ALWAYS feeds us the anecdote about the person who invented cell phones. To us, cell phones are important, brilliant, and a no-brainer in our lives. But most people don't know that it took the inventor of the mobile phone fucking 30 years of persistence before his vision was accepted. Of course, it's the ultimate success that overshadows the failure and tribulations. But they're there. It's reassuring to know, in a somewhat sick way.

One of the major factors in my writing this post is my screenwriting professor's talk in class today. He strongly recommended a book titled Art & Fear for those who have anxieties about being an artist. I'll probably check it out. So I started thinking: why is it that artists in particular seem to be the most shaken and insecure? There's gotta be more than just the fact that it's a risky career choice since many jobs in the arts don't guarantee financial stability, and the risk of success relying on subjective appreciation. It doesn't entirely explain all the insecurity.
So I realized, I think it's because art is such a personal thing—it's often deeply rooted in the self and grows from the artist's expression—that if it becomes what is perceived as "failure," it just hurts that much more. Like a pointed offense towards the artist.

But as my professor says: "Your art is not you. If something stinks, it doesn't mean you're a failure. You just take what you've learned and move on to your next piece. The only way to get better at art is to make a lot of art.
And the only thing stopping you from making a lot of art is being afraid that your art isn't good enough. Perfection is the enemy of developing as an artist."

This is a conversation I had with Fome last week when I was feeling like there's nothing about myself that I can feel confident about. :/

[4/6/2015 1:38:55 AM] Fome: i mean this without any presumption, and do not at all intend to sound patronizing. but i just think that, when you maybe get closer to your 30s, you will look back on things with a different perspective. possibly
[4/6/2015 1:39:22 AM] Eva: no, it's true and i agree
[4/6/2015 1:40:51 AM] Eva: when i can get an actual taste of industry and become numb from falling on my ass and i stop feeling like the people around me impose high expectations of success and breadwinning on me that i don't think i can fulfill
[4/6/2015 1:40:57 AM] Eva: i'll definitely have a different perspective
[4/6/2015 1:41:02 AM] Eva: but for now there's still the looming
[4/6/2015 1:41:06 AM] Eva: fuck i'm gonna fail
[4/6/2015 1:41:11 AM] Eva: and fuck my parents are not gonna take it well
[4/6/2015 1:41:45 AM] Eva: eventually it'll feel like "there's nothing to lose"
[4/6/2015 1:42:11 AM] Eva: but right now i haven't put a foot forward yet and so haven't suffered a loss so i have much to lose

After today's class, I kind of feel like... yes I still have much to lose. If I ever live up to the expectations imposed on me, it will most likely take a while. But I'm suited up more now with some padding to break the first inevitable fall on my ass. It happens. Everyone fails, and then you just live on and continue to give your best efforts. ^^;;

Of course, realizing these things doesn't mean an immediate change in mentality and emotion—it takes time, or some eruptive, reset-button-pushing trigger. So I'm probably still gonna freak out. A lot. Fuck. I'm still not ready for graduation or the future or anything.

❥But at least I've realized these things:
That you have travelers who walk into uncharted territory with a blank map, and travelers who stand still blaming life for handing them a blank map of uncharted territory.
There are risk-takers and those who are paralyzed.
One should plan and prepare themselves, but ultimately, no amount of planning equals absolute certainty.
And falling on asses is normal as long as you don't spend the rest of your life crying on the pavement.

[Phlog] F♥♥D

A week ago, I hung out with Myst in Berkeley~ Then met up with others for dinner. And this is a food blog because we ate a lot LOL. (And are painfully predictable..)

Mango salmon rice bowl!

Tea!

A picture of my $1.25 ice cream with Myst taking a picture of her ice cream

Salmon Lovers sushi plate featuring Chiisana!

Sushi rolls!

Mango snow ice!

human canvas stuff 2k15

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaa, Spring Break started !
And there are many upcoming photo posts. Be warned :'D;;

Chiisana (who's back for break yay!) slept over last Friday since we left early Saturday morning on a trip to Fresno with other friends, which I'll post about later. :>

We practiced applying eye make-up a bit! I defs need practice qqqqq
Mostly I wanted to experiment with having a more dramatic look for a photoshoot................. heh... since I would like to do better [than] [last] [year].

I'll.....work on it again when I eventually actually have more than 2 dark colors of eyeshadow.

THIS IS A CAMWHORE POST. with atrocious yellow bedroom lighting...

 

The End of the Chapter

Is when the pen feels the heaviest.
Uncertain strokes on paper—
Too fast, too slow. A mess.
The nib's journey is done
Through roads of bliss and struggle.
The canvas is but bygones.
Time to lock up another easel.
--

[/ ]

I'm surprised I haven't yet mentioned this amazing song.
A Korean singer I deeply admire with the stage name Kris Leone came back with a new album last month that I snatched off iTunes as soon as it was available—before I had even heard it. Bah, I'm in love with all of her music. She debuted two years ago when she was 16'ish with songs that she wrote (in Korean and English) based off of experiences she's endured. She's so young, talented, and wise, and I hope she'll go a long way Q__Q

Her debut songs Into the Skies and Goodbye got me through some tough times and still really stir my emotions. Her new song's no different ;;

Here's the English version to her song "The End." The Korean version with the MV is here.

Where has it gone?

What have we done?

What kind of monsters have taken

All we worked for, all we've built?

...

But I guess it's just the end.

2 months, 1 week

In 2 months and a week, I'll be a college graduate.

Hold up, I need a moment.
hoooooooo lyyyyyyyyyy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ttttttttttttttttt

Frightening. Almost surreal. I take a brief glance into the face that is the dark, uncertain future--and more often than not, the moment is usurped by tears with no reigning purpose.

It's tough when you've got no plan, no self-confidence in ability, and no passionate drive for pursuit. Just. Don't know what to do. It's taken quite a toll on the past few months.

But I think I feel a little better now because I forced myself to try pursuing something that'd take place post-graduation and would make for a sufficient short-term plan if I get it. I've submitted an application to a huge internship opportunity that would have me working in LA/Hollywood for 8 weeks in the summer. (So much stress and effort since I found out about it only a week before the deadline and had to ask professors for a last minute letter of recommendation, order my official transcript, write a statement and cover letter, AND even spent my lunch break driving down to my university which is 20 minutes away from my workplace to pick stuff up... PHEW. Not to mention how I was hardly available during times mailing services are open. Somehow got everything submitted in time yesterday!)
Chances are, I have no chance in actually being chosen. But I needed to at least try out of ~regret prevention~. The peace of mind and knowing that I'm able to pull all this together in that short time is worth all the effort. ^^
I guess I also feel a little more reassured because of how my professors revered me in their letters and from writing the required statement. To do that, I needed to present myself as if I had purpose. I had to define a goal, even if it weren't true. And in doing that, I feel like I have the potential to have a goal. Maybe I wrote such a persuasive statement, that I'm nearly persuaded that it's truly how I think and feel? LOL.. Who knows?

I'm glad I took this first step in trying to pursue a post-graduation venture before graduation actually hit, because I think I'm a little less afraid now and less doubtful in my ability to move forward. Why is the real world so scary @______@;;;; I don't like ittt...

In other news, someone sprung up on me with a request to help with sound on their film shoot and I didn't want to turn it down, so I ended up spending more than 20 hours of my weekend on the shoot.... We were severely shorthanded, so I was One Girl Sound Team (both sound mixer and boom operator) as well as part-time member of lighting & grip.

but yeahhh uAu since I didn't have a weekend, and I spent all of it being overly physically active, I'm exhaausstedddd.... alllll of my muscles hurttt...... wants to sleep for 40 hours......

Slam on

This is the one high point of my day, and an UPWARDS SOARIN', HEAVEN SHAKIN' ONE IT IS.

My bossman at work.... gave the whole finance department free chunks of salmon sashimi!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S BIGGER THAN MY FACE!!!

Thank you.
I would like to thank this salmon today.
This salmon is the real MVP. Or maybe bossman is. Salmon? Salmon.

I can't believe it.
I really, truly cannot believe it.
This is a dream don't wake me up lol

And then I became overly amused by the fact that I was taking crappy webcam pictures with a saran-wrapped plate of raw fish lmao.