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| Mango salmon rice bowl! |
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| Tea! |
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| A picture of my $1.25 ice cream with Myst taking a picture of her ice cream |
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| Salmon Lovers sushi plate featuring Chiisana! |
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| Sushi rolls! |
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| Mango snow ice! |
[Phlog] F♥♥D
A week ago, I hung out with Myst in Berkeley~ Then met up with others for dinner. And this is a food blog because we ate a lot LOL. (And are painfully predictable..)
human canvas stuff 2k15
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaa, Spring Break started !
And there are many upcoming photo posts. Be warned :'D;;
Chiisana (who's back for break yay!) slept over last Friday since we left early Saturday morning on a trip to Fresno with other friends, which I'll post about later. :>
We practiced applying eye make-up a bit! I defs need practice qqqqq
Mostly I wanted to experiment with having a more dramatic look for a photoshoot................. heh... since I would like to do better [than] [last] [year].
I'll.....work on it again when I eventually actually have more than 2 dark colors of eyeshadow.
THIS IS A CAMWHORE POST. with atrocious yellow bedroom lighting...
And there are many upcoming photo posts. Be warned :'D;;
Chiisana (who's back for break yay!) slept over last Friday since we left early Saturday morning on a trip to Fresno with other friends, which I'll post about later. :>
We practiced applying eye make-up a bit! I defs need practice qqqqq
Mostly I wanted to experiment with having a more dramatic look for a photoshoot................. heh... since I would like to do better [than] [last] [year].
I'll.....work on it again when I eventually actually have more than 2 dark colors of eyeshadow.
THIS IS A CAMWHORE POST. with atrocious yellow bedroom lighting...
The End of the Chapter
Is when the pen feels the heaviest.
Uncertain strokes on paper—
Too fast, too slow. A mess.
The nib's journey is done
Through roads of bliss and struggle.
The canvas is but bygones.
Time to lock up another easel.
--
Uncertain strokes on paper—
Too fast, too slow. A mess.
The nib's journey is done
Through roads of bliss and struggle.
The canvas is but bygones.
Time to lock up another easel.
--
[/ ]
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songs
I'm surprised I haven't yet mentioned this amazing song.
A Korean singer I deeply admire with the stage name Kris Leone came back with a new album last month that I snatched off iTunes as soon as it was available—before I had even heard it. Bah, I'm in love with all of her music. She debuted two years ago when she was 16'ish with songs that she wrote (in Korean and English) based off of experiences she's endured. She's so young, talented, and wise, and I hope she'll go a long way Q__Q
Her debut songs Into the Skies and Goodbye got me through some tough times and still really stir my emotions. Her new song's no different ;;
Here's the English version to her song "The End." The Korean version with the MV is here.
A Korean singer I deeply admire with the stage name Kris Leone came back with a new album last month that I snatched off iTunes as soon as it was available—before I had even heard it. Bah, I'm in love with all of her music. She debuted two years ago when she was 16'ish with songs that she wrote (in Korean and English) based off of experiences she's endured. She's so young, talented, and wise, and I hope she'll go a long way Q__Q
Her debut songs Into the Skies and Goodbye got me through some tough times and still really stir my emotions. Her new song's no different ;;
Here's the English version to her song "The End." The Korean version with the MV is here.
Where has it gone?
What have we done?
What kind of monsters have taken
All we worked for, all we've built?
...
But I guess it's just the end.
2 months, 1 week
In 2 months and a week, I'll be a college graduate.
Hold up, I need a moment.
hoooooooo lyyyyyyyyyy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ttttttttttttttttt
Frightening. Almost surreal. I take a brief glance into the face that is the dark, uncertain future--and more often than not, the moment is usurped by tears with no reigning purpose.
It's tough when you've got no plan, no self-confidence in ability, and no passionate drive for pursuit. Just. Don't know what to do. It's taken quite a toll on the past few months.
But I think I feel a little better now because I forced myself to try pursuing something that'd take place post-graduation and would make for a sufficient short-term plan if I get it. I've submitted an application to a huge internship opportunity that would have me working in LA/Hollywood for 8 weeks in the summer. (So much stress and effort since I found out about it only a week before the deadline and had to ask professors for a last minute letter of recommendation, order my official transcript, write a statement and cover letter, AND even spent my lunch break driving down to my university which is 20 minutes away from my workplace to pick stuff up... PHEW. Not to mention how I was hardly available during times mailing services are open. Somehow got everything submitted in time yesterday!)
Chances are, I have no chance in actually being chosen. But I needed to at least try out of ~regret prevention~. The peace of mind and knowing that I'm able to pull all this together in that short time is worth all the effort. ^^
I guess I also feel a little more reassured because of how my professors revered me in their letters and from writing the required statement. To do that, I needed to present myself as if I had purpose. I had to define a goal, even if it weren't true. And in doing that, I feel like I have the potential to have a goal. Maybe I wrote such a persuasive statement, that I'm nearly persuaded that it's truly how I think and feel? LOL.. Who knows?
I'm glad I took this first step in trying to pursue a post-graduation venture before graduation actually hit, because I think I'm a little less afraid now and less doubtful in my ability to move forward. Why is the real world so scary @______@;;;; I don't like ittt...
In other news, someone sprung up on me with a request to help with sound on their film shoot and I didn't want to turn it down, so I ended up spending more than 20 hours of my weekend on the shoot.... We were severely shorthanded, so I was One Girl Sound Team (both sound mixer and boom operator) as well as part-time member of lighting & grip.
but yeahhh uAu since I didn't have a weekend, and I spent all of it being overly physically active, I'm exhaausstedddd.... alllll of my muscles hurttt...... wants to sleep for 40 hours......
Hold up, I need a moment.
hoooooooo lyyyyyyyyyy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ttttttttttttttttt
Frightening. Almost surreal. I take a brief glance into the face that is the dark, uncertain future--and more often than not, the moment is usurped by tears with no reigning purpose.
It's tough when you've got no plan, no self-confidence in ability, and no passionate drive for pursuit. Just. Don't know what to do. It's taken quite a toll on the past few months.
But I think I feel a little better now because I forced myself to try pursuing something that'd take place post-graduation and would make for a sufficient short-term plan if I get it. I've submitted an application to a huge internship opportunity that would have me working in LA/Hollywood for 8 weeks in the summer. (So much stress and effort since I found out about it only a week before the deadline and had to ask professors for a last minute letter of recommendation, order my official transcript, write a statement and cover letter, AND even spent my lunch break driving down to my university which is 20 minutes away from my workplace to pick stuff up... PHEW. Not to mention how I was hardly available during times mailing services are open. Somehow got everything submitted in time yesterday!)
Chances are, I have no chance in actually being chosen. But I needed to at least try out of ~regret prevention~. The peace of mind and knowing that I'm able to pull all this together in that short time is worth all the effort. ^^
I guess I also feel a little more reassured because of how my professors revered me in their letters and from writing the required statement. To do that, I needed to present myself as if I had purpose. I had to define a goal, even if it weren't true. And in doing that, I feel like I have the potential to have a goal. Maybe I wrote such a persuasive statement, that I'm nearly persuaded that it's truly how I think and feel? LOL.. Who knows?
I'm glad I took this first step in trying to pursue a post-graduation venture before graduation actually hit, because I think I'm a little less afraid now and less doubtful in my ability to move forward. Why is the real world so scary @______@;;;; I don't like ittt...
In other news, someone sprung up on me with a request to help with sound on their film shoot and I didn't want to turn it down, so I ended up spending more than 20 hours of my weekend on the shoot.... We were severely shorthanded, so I was One Girl Sound Team (both sound mixer and boom operator) as well as part-time member of lighting & grip.
but yeahhh uAu since I didn't have a weekend, and I spent all of it being overly physically active, I'm exhaausstedddd.... alllll of my muscles hurttt...... wants to sleep for 40 hours......
Slam on
This is the one high point of my day, and an UPWARDS SOARIN', HEAVEN SHAKIN' ONE IT IS.
My bossman at work.... gave the whole finance department free chunks of salmon sashimi!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S BIGGER THAN MY FACE!!!
Thank you.
I would like to thank this salmon today.
This salmon is the real MVP. Or maybe bossman is. Salmon? Salmon.
I can't believe it.
I really, truly cannot believe it.
This is a dream don't wake me up lol
And then I became overly amused by the fact that I was taking crappy webcam pictures with a saran-wrapped plate of raw fish lmao.
My bossman at work.... gave the whole finance department free chunks of salmon sashimi!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S BIGGER THAN MY FACE!!!
Thank you.
I would like to thank this salmon today.
This salmon is the real MVP. Or maybe bossman is. Salmon? Salmon.
I really, truly cannot believe it.
This is a dream don't wake me up lol
And then I became overly amused by the fact that I was taking crappy webcam pictures with a saran-wrapped plate of raw fish lmao.
Transluscent
Oh, this icy, ethereal feeling.
Like I can breathe a bit again!!
The film festival is over, and my 20 hours of volunteering are done.
My frustrating, worrisome group presentation is over with.
And I'm finally officially no longer sick!
When I was really stressed out in January and realized that I would have school, work, and an internship this semester, I almost decided to not take the volunteering course. Volunteering at the film festival last year was frankly pretty life-changing for me, so I signed up again. After all, I've otherwise fulfilled all of my graduation requirements and I just needed the credits from any class. Plus, it's not an academically heavy class with a lot of homework. It made sense until it didn't make sense... But fuck, I'm glad I didn't drop the class because I knew it would be an unforgettable experience for me.
Ahahah I'm revisiting all of my blog posts from last year and the positive impact is crystal clear--how much the experience opened my eyes, nurtured my confidence, and even "made me outgoing for the first time."
- Evolution of a sloth
- TL;DR: I feel amazing
- Welcoming Spring
I'm happy to see how much I've grown just in the past year, and I can accredit the major trigger of the development to this film festival.
Maybe it's because I went in already knowing what to expect, but man, I was mostly fearless this year. All of that anxiety from last year? Pfff, old news. It's intimidating to be around strangers? Not a problem! Walking around downtown is scary and tiring? Whuddaya know, it's not so bad after all. Afraid of being incompetent? It's easy and people are forgiving; you got this! I can't get along with film people? Naw, bruh, you just gotta chill and try!
It's such a great and unique experience immersing myself in the film world, which is fascinating and--behind the scenes--intense.
And! volunteering forces me to confront social interaction. ^^ Which I hate...d. And now am sorta ambivalent about. Maybe it's okay. I don't know. I can't handle too much. But now I know that I can handle a decent amount!! Still far from extroversion though.
Like last year, I enjoyed doing ticket ushering when put on that task! I talked to hundreds of people! And it seemed like the managers trusted me a lot and approved of how I interacted with customers ^o^ Man, I'm really glad I do this to myself since I got to skip the working retail/customer service phase, and dove straight into a desk/cubicle job. It's like filling in the gaps in the swiss cheese of growing up. 8D
To be honest, when I realized that the end of the festival and my scheduled hours were approaching, I felt a tinge of sadness and longing?
But life moves on and now I'm feeling relieved by some stuff, feeling really fucking done with some stuff and some people ......... and so I'm fine. I'm happy that it's less stress on me and I get my evenings and weekends back. I'll try to volunteer again next year if my circumstances permit.
Otherwise... some chapters in my life are coming to an end. I think I'm probably sad somewhere, but have decided that I'm not going to care so that I don't feel sad. Numb, apathetic, a little spiteful. Tired. Don't take friends for granted.
~
Yanagi Nagi - Transluscent
I just fell in love with this song that Mimi showed me ;A;
Like I can breathe a bit again!!
The film festival is over, and my 20 hours of volunteering are done.
My frustrating, worrisome group presentation is over with.
And I'm finally officially no longer sick!
When I was really stressed out in January and realized that I would have school, work, and an internship this semester, I almost decided to not take the volunteering course. Volunteering at the film festival last year was frankly pretty life-changing for me, so I signed up again. After all, I've otherwise fulfilled all of my graduation requirements and I just needed the credits from any class. Plus, it's not an academically heavy class with a lot of homework. It made sense until it didn't make sense... But fuck, I'm glad I didn't drop the class because I knew it would be an unforgettable experience for me.
Ahahah I'm revisiting all of my blog posts from last year and the positive impact is crystal clear--how much the experience opened my eyes, nurtured my confidence, and even "made me outgoing for the first time."
- Evolution of a sloth
- TL;DR: I feel amazing
- Welcoming Spring
I'm happy to see how much I've grown just in the past year, and I can accredit the major trigger of the development to this film festival.
Maybe it's because I went in already knowing what to expect, but man, I was mostly fearless this year. All of that anxiety from last year? Pfff, old news. It's intimidating to be around strangers? Not a problem! Walking around downtown is scary and tiring? Whuddaya know, it's not so bad after all. Afraid of being incompetent? It's easy and people are forgiving; you got this! I can't get along with film people? Naw, bruh, you just gotta chill and try!
It's such a great and unique experience immersing myself in the film world, which is fascinating and--behind the scenes--intense.
And! volunteering forces me to confront social interaction. ^^ Which I hate...d. And now am sorta ambivalent about. Maybe it's okay. I don't know. I can't handle too much. But now I know that I can handle a decent amount!! Still far from extroversion though.
Like last year, I enjoyed doing ticket ushering when put on that task! I talked to hundreds of people! And it seemed like the managers trusted me a lot and approved of how I interacted with customers ^o^ Man, I'm really glad I do this to myself since I got to skip the working retail/customer service phase, and dove straight into a desk/cubicle job. It's like filling in the gaps in the swiss cheese of growing up. 8D
To be honest, when I realized that the end of the festival and my scheduled hours were approaching, I felt a tinge of sadness and longing?
But life moves on and now I'm feeling relieved by some stuff, feeling really fucking done with some stuff and some people ......... and so I'm fine. I'm happy that it's less stress on me and I get my evenings and weekends back. I'll try to volunteer again next year if my circumstances permit.
Otherwise... some chapters in my life are coming to an end. I think I'm probably sad somewhere, but have decided that I'm not going to care so that I don't feel sad. Numb, apathetic, a little spiteful. Tired. Don't take friends for granted.
~
Yanagi Nagi - Transluscent
I just fell in love with this song that Mimi showed me ;A;
Adam & Ev[a]'s Dilemma
Feels like it's been so long since I've been in a completed collab!! One that some lovely ladies and I recorded last year has recently been released. ;u; We're revisiting our roots by singing some Hello!Project again. The song is "Adam and Eve's Dilemma" by C-ute.
Chii organized a collab of C-ute's "Aitai Aitai Aitai Na," released in 2013, in which I sang the lines of Suzuki Airi, the group's lead vocalist. (I cannot listen to myself in that collab anymore, sorry..) Eheee and I got to reprise the role for this collab too, which is a huge honor~ I really like everyone in both these collabs♥
(For anyone who's already seen this video, Chii has updated it with annotations indicating when each person sings. ^^)
「アダムとイブのジレンマ」 コラボしてみた
tune & time: chishionrnr
mix: andoryunii
Chii organized a collab of C-ute's "Aitai Aitai Aitai Na," released in 2013, in which I sang the lines of Suzuki Airi, the group's lead vocalist. (I cannot listen to myself in that collab anymore, sorry..) Eheee and I got to reprise the role for this collab too, which is a huge honor~ I really like everyone in both these collabs♥
(For anyone who's already seen this video, Chii has updated it with annotations indicating when each person sings. ^^)
「アダムとイブのジレンマ」 コラボしてみた
Mika / mikayucha as Hagiwara Mai
Mong / mongtsatsa as Chisato Okai
Chiisana / ChiisanaChanx3 as Yajima Maimi
Chii / chiizuzu as Nakajima Saki
Eva / waterpixieva as Suzuki Airi
mix: andoryunii
~
My dilemma, aha...... Not quite a dilemma. Actually, I'm pretty happy. But I feel some senioritis and general laziness kicking in so I don't have much motivation and tire out easily.
These couple of weeks are pretty crazy though!
Still attending all of my classes. Group presentation next week. [Sometimes drifting off in lecture.]
Part time job as accounting assistant.
Internship at local cable TV studio.
Volunteering at film festival. [A short film I helped on is being played!]
Also doing some mixing for an overdue collab.. Got started on writing my 50 pages of screenplay due this semester..
And I see friend[s] at least once a week!
Oh and somehow I've been sick for over 2 weeks now LOL I don't even. But as long as the coughing and shit doesn't get in the way, it hasn't been bothering me much the past few days. :D Just, I'll be wearing like 4 layers and I'm still fucking cold. in California.
Tbh I'm really sleepy but I felt like writing a post would make me not feel like I'm going to bed without having been productive at all this evening. Because I did nothing productive after work and class qqqq
Work Hard; Laze Hard
My new motto, because there's never a moderate, healthy in-between.
Today, I slept in until 3 PM ..... and now it's 4 AM again because I've been spending all night on homework. Dat 90+ page/feature length screenplay requires too much damn planning. Tomorrow's totes gonna be the bestttt Monday morning :'DDDD
In other news, I bothered to put on eyeliner yesterday. Had a nice dinner with a group of friends for the first time in over a month. :>
we're so cute girl
Late post is a late post is late.
Mimi visited California again over Winter break! Along with Ian, Benton, and Myst, we went up to San Francisco's Japantown to eat and play and do duh purikuras. It was fun! I'd also like to dub this day as The Day The Candy Jelly Love Never Stopped because we were constantly singing that sing and it was obnoxious and the best~
Unfortunately, Mysto had to leave but here's how our very sparkly purikura came out:
WE ARE SUCH CUTE GIRL. (No really though, they're all such natural cuties ///)
This one from our other session gets a special mention because
Benton: How should I decorate Ian on this one?
Me: ....Can you make him look submissive?
Meido!Ian. Yes.
Mimi visited California again over Winter break! Along with Ian, Benton, and Myst, we went up to San Francisco's Japantown to eat and play and do duh purikuras. It was fun! I'd also like to dub this day as The Day The Candy Jelly Love Never Stopped because we were constantly singing that sing and it was obnoxious and the best~
Unfortunately, Mysto had to leave but here's how our very sparkly purikura came out:
[Ian, me, Mimi, Benton]
WE ARE SUCH CUTE GIRL. (No really though, they're all such natural cuties ///)
This one from our other session gets a special mention because
Benton: How should I decorate Ian on this one?
Me: ....Can you make him look submissive?
Get Out!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH goes to hide my face forever....
My class today was cancelled so I've been a lazy shit YAY! \(^o^)/
So....... I've become very obsessed with Mnet's new female rap battle show called Unpretty Rapstar......................
Like.
Very Obsessed.
One of the members is Jimin of the girlgroup AOA, and she's the only idol among the cast. I've never liked her chipmunk squeaky rapping, but I'm trying to be more open to her now after getting to know her better from the show. I don't think she's cut out for this specific show (her freestyling so far has been cringeworthy) but she's growing on me!
uwu;; So I thought it might be fun to try to do one of her AOA raps, which is different from the style of rapping I typically practice these days (see: Overdose).
I wanted to do it as a one shot ^^!
I saved over 30 of my takes (the ones where I didn't too obviously fuck up the lyrics so you can imagine what the discard pile is like LOL) and still don't like any of them... This one I hated the least, although still horribly flawed and it's one of the less cutesy takes?? I wanna keep working at it and see how I can improve ;v; But this is my attempt for today.
Things I learned that I really need to work on: melody, pronouncing Korean, articulating clearly, keeping with the rhythm SOBBSSSSS
My class today was cancelled so I've been a lazy shit YAY! \(^o^)/
So....... I've become very obsessed with Mnet's new female rap battle show called Unpretty Rapstar......................
Like.
Very Obsessed.
One of the members is Jimin of the girlgroup AOA, and she's the only idol among the cast. I've never liked her chipmunk squeaky rapping, but I'm trying to be more open to her now after getting to know her better from the show. I don't think she's cut out for this specific show (her freestyling so far has been cringeworthy) but she's growing on me!
uwu;; So I thought it might be fun to try to do one of her AOA raps, which is different from the style of rapping I typically practice these days (see: Overdose).
I wanted to do it as a one shot ^^!
I saved over 30 of my takes (the ones where I didn't too obviously fuck up the lyrics so you can imagine what the discard pile is like LOL) and still don't like any of them... This one I hated the least, although still horribly flawed and it's one of the less cutesy takes?? I wanna keep working at it and see how I can improve ;v; But this is my attempt for today.
Things I learned that I really need to work on: melody, pronouncing Korean, articulating clearly, keeping with the rhythm SOBBSSSSS
Clipped
I haven't been this angry in a while.
Long story short: my professor discouraged me from doing an assignment, and I was so angry I cried.
Sounds stupid and unreasonable, right? That's exactly what it is.
But it's not about this minuscule event--it's not even about my professor--but the meaning behind it and everything it represents about the world's values and THEY MAKE ME ANGRY.
Last semester, I realized that I wanted to write a screenplay for fun because I enjoy the very process of writing in the screenplay format. I wrote a whole post about me realizing that I wanted to write for animation because I hate how reality restricts my creativity. How much I hate how the people around me are so focused on the very narrow mainstream. It's one of the reasons I'm always feeling like, "I don't belong," "I have no voice."
So today after my screenwriting class, I asked my professor about my idea.
It's a feature length animated film. The theme is about not conforming to the mold that society casts upon individuals. It's about defying destiny and the pressures of the world's suffocatingly defined rules. It's about becoming special and achieving the different and desired, in a sea of un-individualistic drones who have accepted their short lives and fixed, pre-chosen purpose. The actual concept is weird and not something I'm too confident in, but I have an affinity for it. I wanted to create a story that is innocent and fun(?) on the surface, with a deeper meaning beneath--although not necessarily optimistic. In the end, what I imagine in my vision is that we're ultimately still one among countless--really a small part of the world and easily forgotten, though try as we may to make a mark. But the attempt might still be worth it? Interpret this theme however you will.
And I'm angry because my professor and a couple classmates who were around (one of whom was an informed animation major) tried to discourage me from this idea, on the basis that "it's not sellable."
No, I'm angry because what's sellable is more important than me expressing what I want to express in a fulfilling way.
No, I'm angry because the values of the world dictate that money rules all and that everything you do must fuel a prospective career. It's all about money, right?
No, I'm angry because I'm not yet ready to be a part of this world whose values differ so much from mine, in a way that I can't yet handle.
THEY ARE TOTALLY, COMPLETELY RIGHT that it's impractical for me to be writing this thing that would never actually become something. Because I'm a graduating university senior and my priorities should be in creating works that serve as relevant portfolio pieces and can propel me in career establishment.
Because animation studios create their stories in-house and by storyboarding rather than basing it off a pre-written script. That's how the industry works. I can't change the industry, and there's no place for me to be a special snowflake. There is a norm. In order to survive, I must enter industry. In order for me to enter industry, I must adhere to the norm.(insert me vomiting)
But I hate being told that I have to adhere to the norm to the point of silencing the creative voice that's mine and unique that I so very rarely find. How often am I passionate about creating things? Not very. So I don't know what to do. Because the one thing I want to do, I'm told not to do. The one way I can find to express, I can't express under my circumstances. I don't know what to do. I have already been feeling like I have no place to be my unique self in my school environment, and this instance reflects it.
Unfortunately, with class, homework, my job, internship, and film fest volunteering, [+cosplay???? hobbies?? sleep?? friends???], I don't have the time to write this script on the side for fun while writing another 50 paged script for class. And I don't prefer to put it off and just say, "I'll write it later," because circumstances and priorities change. Impulsive desire dies. I want to grab onto it now while I'm actually passionate about something.
I'm mad because it seems like the world--or at least the part of it that I'm directly exposed to--values practicality and conformity over creativity and self-expression. I can't do anything to change it but I can't change my values to match it. This is exactly the kind of mold I don't want to partake in. Man, being part of society is hard..... #hellafirstworldproblemsTBH
Long story short: my professor discouraged me from doing an assignment, and I was so angry I cried.
Sounds stupid and unreasonable, right? That's exactly what it is.
But it's not about this minuscule event--it's not even about my professor--but the meaning behind it and everything it represents about the world's values and THEY MAKE ME ANGRY.
Last semester, I realized that I wanted to write a screenplay for fun because I enjoy the very process of writing in the screenplay format. I wrote a whole post about me realizing that I wanted to write for animation because I hate how reality restricts my creativity. How much I hate how the people around me are so focused on the very narrow mainstream. It's one of the reasons I'm always feeling like, "I don't belong," "I have no voice."
So today after my screenwriting class, I asked my professor about my idea.
It's a feature length animated film. The theme is about not conforming to the mold that society casts upon individuals. It's about defying destiny and the pressures of the world's suffocatingly defined rules. It's about becoming special and achieving the different and desired, in a sea of un-individualistic drones who have accepted their short lives and fixed, pre-chosen purpose. The actual concept is weird and not something I'm too confident in, but I have an affinity for it. I wanted to create a story that is innocent and fun(?) on the surface, with a deeper meaning beneath--although not necessarily optimistic. In the end, what I imagine in my vision is that we're ultimately still one among countless--really a small part of the world and easily forgotten, though try as we may to make a mark. But the attempt might still be worth it? Interpret this theme however you will.
And I'm angry because my professor and a couple classmates who were around (one of whom was an informed animation major) tried to discourage me from this idea, on the basis that "it's not sellable."
No, I'm angry because what's sellable is more important than me expressing what I want to express in a fulfilling way.
No, I'm angry because the values of the world dictate that money rules all and that everything you do must fuel a prospective career. It's all about money, right?
No, I'm angry because I'm not yet ready to be a part of this world whose values differ so much from mine, in a way that I can't yet handle.
THEY ARE TOTALLY, COMPLETELY RIGHT that it's impractical for me to be writing this thing that would never actually become something. Because I'm a graduating university senior and my priorities should be in creating works that serve as relevant portfolio pieces and can propel me in career establishment.
Because animation studios create their stories in-house and by storyboarding rather than basing it off a pre-written script. That's how the industry works. I can't change the industry, and there's no place for me to be a special snowflake. There is a norm. In order to survive, I must enter industry. In order for me to enter industry, I must adhere to the norm.
But I hate being told that I have to adhere to the norm to the point of silencing the creative voice that's mine and unique that I so very rarely find. How often am I passionate about creating things? Not very. So I don't know what to do. Because the one thing I want to do, I'm told not to do. The one way I can find to express, I can't express under my circumstances. I don't know what to do. I have already been feeling like I have no place to be my unique self in my school environment, and this instance reflects it.
Unfortunately, with class, homework, my job, internship, and film fest volunteering, [+cosplay???? hobbies?? sleep?? friends???], I don't have the time to write this script on the side for fun while writing another 50 paged script for class. And I don't prefer to put it off and just say, "I'll write it later," because circumstances and priorities change. Impulsive desire dies. I want to grab onto it now while I'm actually passionate about something.
I'm mad because it seems like the world--or at least the part of it that I'm directly exposed to--values practicality and conformity over creativity and self-expression. I can't do anything to change it but I can't change my values to match it. This is exactly the kind of mold I don't want to partake in. Man, being part of society is hard..... #hellafirstworldproblemsTBH
Stumble and Fall
Friday, January 16, 2015
2 comments Labels: cosmetics, covers (non-serious/short), covers (solos/duets), make-up, pictures
:D Basically the one recording thing I actually worked on during this winter break hehehehh. It's so short, but I started it before Christmas and only was able to finish a week ago orzz...
It's a cover of "Stumble and Fall" by Phoenix Ash, the j-rock-inspired band of which Fome/Sean is the lead vocalist. ;u; A little [belated] Christmas gift to Fome, who's a good friend I'd probably be more lost without.
I sang rock! Which is weird. Totally not my forte, if I even had one.
(Also mucho thanks to my buddy Kazou for doing a harmony guide for me since I'm harmonically deaf QuQ;;)
This is kind of an appropriate follow-up to my singing rock..... :'D Lately after work, I've been working on a demo reel to submit to organizations in my quest for an internship, which I need ASAP.. and is required for me to fucking graduate with my degree.. but that's another story. But yeah uwu I took a break the other night to finally try out the eyeliner that my raburii bestie Chiisana gave me for Christmas. First time drawing it like this~
..And then I was too lazy to do the other eye.
(And later was too lazy to clean it off UGHH this is why I'm super low maintenance and gross trololol)
Please excuse my unkempt state LOL.
I find makeup-no makeup comparison shots really interesting. It's color and it's enhancing or hiding, but it makes such a difference to one's features..!
The brand is K-Palette and I REAAALLY LIKE IT. I've been wanting to buy one of my own ever since I tried Chiisa's while we were at Anime Expo in July, preparing for a day out at con in cosplay. It's the only eyeliner I've ever experienced that didn't smudge even after a day of activity. Even though I tear up and blink a lot during the application due to sensitive eyes!! BLESSSSS. *^*)b
It's a cover of "Stumble and Fall" by Phoenix Ash, the j-rock-inspired band of which Fome/Sean is the lead vocalist. ;u; A little [belated] Christmas gift to Fome, who's a good friend I'd probably be more lost without.
I sang rock! Which is weird. Totally not my forte, if I even had one.
(Also mucho thanks to my buddy Kazou for doing a harmony guide for me since I'm harmonically deaf QuQ;;)
This is kind of an appropriate follow-up to my singing rock..... :'D Lately after work, I've been working on a demo reel to submit to organizations in my quest for an internship, which I need ASAP.. and is required for me to fucking graduate with my degree.. but that's another story. But yeah uwu I took a break the other night to finally try out the eyeliner that my raburii bestie Chiisana gave me for Christmas. First time drawing it like this~
..And then I was too lazy to do the other eye.
(And later was too lazy to clean it off UGHH this is why I'm super low maintenance and gross trololol)
Please excuse my unkempt state LOL.
I find makeup-no makeup comparison shots really interesting. It's color and it's enhancing or hiding, but it makes such a difference to one's features..!
The brand is K-Palette and I REAAALLY LIKE IT. I've been wanting to buy one of my own ever since I tried Chiisa's while we were at Anime Expo in July, preparing for a day out at con in cosplay. It's the only eyeliner I've ever experienced that didn't smudge even after a day of activity. Even though I tear up and blink a lot during the application due to sensitive eyes!! BLESSSSS. *^*)b
Suffocation
I'll be okay; I've already been feeling a lot better about everything. ^^
Not that any circumstances have changed. In the end, it comes down to your attitude and sometimes just.. shutting up and dealing with it.
What with all the stress, pressure, and nearly nonexistent relax time lately, I was feeling entrapped I suppose. Like juggling several bowling balls chained to your body. They will tangle and exhaust, but you're simply not allowed to drop any. Of course letting go is the solution to the weight, but there's no choice because necessity forces an inescapable momentum. On the one hand, it's as simple as dropping something you know this isn't the right time for--when personal advancement and fulfillment, priorities, experiences beneficial to future-building should take precedence. Because this is a crucial time in shaping your path. But it doesn't work like that. Is it holding me back? Yes, yet it's essential in other ways. And the mind knows that I'm lucky for what I have, that these are good circumstances even if stressful, despite not being relevant to what should be important right now. Regardless of what it is, it could feel fulfilling if only the heart found fulfillment and enjoyment in it. But it doesn't work like that. There's wishing I could quit. Knowing I should quit. Knowing I can't handle the consequences of quitting. Not having a choice in being prohibited from quitting. And my heart isn't in any of this stuff, beneficial to my advancement or not. Obligation obligation obligation.
Adding onto this is some loss of confidence and gnawing of regret and guilt that've been oh so plaguing me. In the small pond, I felt that I could do anything. In this larger world that I frankly can't say I genuinely care for, I don't know if I can even do anything or if I'm worth anything. And that's a shitty feeling that warranted the peeking head of some depression and expired attitudes I thought I'd buried. I do feel okay now! A few days in the dump but really you have to move on somehow. I just had to put myself again in a realm I care about, and see that despite the importance of larger things, they don't define me and don't tell all about me. Nobody's worthless after all :D
Not that any circumstances have changed. In the end, it comes down to your attitude and sometimes just.. shutting up and dealing with it.
What with all the stress, pressure, and nearly nonexistent relax time lately, I was feeling entrapped I suppose. Like juggling several bowling balls chained to your body. They will tangle and exhaust, but you're simply not allowed to drop any. Of course letting go is the solution to the weight, but there's no choice because necessity forces an inescapable momentum. On the one hand, it's as simple as dropping something you know this isn't the right time for--when personal advancement and fulfillment, priorities, experiences beneficial to future-building should take precedence. Because this is a crucial time in shaping your path. But it doesn't work like that. Is it holding me back? Yes, yet it's essential in other ways. And the mind knows that I'm lucky for what I have, that these are good circumstances even if stressful, despite not being relevant to what should be important right now. Regardless of what it is, it could feel fulfilling if only the heart found fulfillment and enjoyment in it. But it doesn't work like that. There's wishing I could quit. Knowing I should quit. Knowing I can't handle the consequences of quitting. Not having a choice in being prohibited from quitting. And my heart isn't in any of this stuff, beneficial to my advancement or not. Obligation obligation obligation.
Adding onto this is some loss of confidence and gnawing of regret and guilt that've been oh so plaguing me. In the small pond, I felt that I could do anything. In this larger world that I frankly can't say I genuinely care for, I don't know if I can even do anything or if I'm worth anything. And that's a shitty feeling that warranted the peeking head of some depression and expired attitudes I thought I'd buried. I do feel okay now! A few days in the dump but really you have to move on somehow. I just had to put myself again in a realm I care about, and see that despite the importance of larger things, they don't define me and don't tell all about me. Nobody's worthless after all :D
Overdose2.0
Yo ho, here's a quick second attempt I did at the rap in EXO-K's Overdose. Basically Sohly asked for the raw file of the recording I did back in July (WTF THIS HAPPENED HALF A YEAR AGO WTF??) and I couldn't find it and also thought it might be cool to see if I've improved, so redid it. :'D heheheheeh
[July 14th, 2014 version]
I wanted to say that it's been a while since I recorded, but I actually have recorded one other thing over Winter break but it's not quite done yet..! But ugh wow, recording out of impulsive desire is so much fun. Wish I could do it more often ;v;
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