I had my remaining wisdom teeth removed yesterday, and today I'm feeling much better and jobwork was light so decided I should go out and get some soft serve before the weekend crowds—except I guess the place I intended to go to (inside a supermarket) already had insane Friday crowds?! So I gave up there, did a search for what other soft serve places were nearby, and ended up getting this black sesame soft serve along with yummy taiyaki that I nibbled at slowly in teeny baby bites!
Usually whenever I get treats by myself these days, I eat sitting in my car or while driving home, but today... the weather was so perfect (we're clear of smoky skies right now!! though I hear the air gets worse again in a few days qq) and this outdoor plaza was really nice with open space and standing-height tables (am avoiding sitting in public as much as I can), so I just chilled out there while nibbling! I can't remember my last time doing something like that.
At the other end of the long table were two ladies who had the cutest 4 month old pooch called Elvis who looked like a little teddy bear ðĨš!! I never spoke to them but it was easy to eavesdrop on the endless stream of people who stopped by to inquire about their pup, petted him, took pictures. Luckily the owners were super open to all of this attention and conversation—they were super friendly and so was Elvis who hopped around a lot! aaa what a cutie
The peak of all this conversation though was a family with a 5 year old girl who loudly declared to everyone that since her dad is allergic to cats, she's going to get a puppy!!! She has to get a puppy!! Then she screamed when Elvis licked something off the ground HAHAHA.
I had just stopped there to slowly eat my ice cream alone—at the time the area was completely empty—expecting to feel extremely awkward and self conscious, but I ended up smiling and laughing at all the things that were going on around me... I felt safe, the sky was blue, the air was nice. It was really nice—this sort of pleasantness I haven't experienced in a long time. It made me think that I don't pay attention to these sorts of simple joys of life often enough.
Then I went home and decided I wanted to go on a short walk to deliver a package that came to us but likely was meant for the house that's one digit off (we've had a few confused packages before but I've never done a delivery like this) and my mom decided to come with me since she speaks their household language which I don't—but... I think she had an ulterior motive as she kept expressing her admiration for the fruit tree in front of their house... to me and my dad in our home, to me while walking there, to the friendly person who answered the door and confirmed it was their package........ then we walked home with both of our hands literally spilling with freshly picked fruit. That made me smile too.
A highlight of the past few weeks is that my favorite kpop group Lovelyz made their long awaited comeback, their first since Beautiful Days back in May of last year—which many fans were a bit disappointed in because they felt that the group wasted the perfect opportunity to change up their concept after the lukewarm reception of Lost N Found; so this comeback was really highly anticipated in a lot of aspects ;u;
I personally like all of the concepts and musical styles they've done from the cute bubblegum schoolgirls to the flowery healing goddesses and I could definitely consume those forever TT but it's been clear for a while that the members themselves are tired of the general public thinking that they lack the versatility and they're itching to branch out with their title tracks, so it's really satisfying seeing them slay this new era and being recognized for it. ð None of their actual fans are surprised that they can pull off this reversal though lol; they've clearly shown this potential on smaller stages.
Their new song is co-written by one of my biases Ryu Sujeong (!!) whom I believe came up with the idea of basing it on a spell/incantation and she chose Obliviate (used in Harry Potter by Hermoine to wipe away her existence in her family's lives/memories) and it's about wanting to forget about someone who's caused heartbreak and painful memories. Aside from being a fan of the magical theme, my favorite thing is how the lyrics in the bridge—"All the petals that bloomed in my heart are gone—" are a callback to Lovelyz' most iconic song which goes, "Ah-choo! Flowers must be blooming in my heart!" hehe.
The members have grown so well into confident, beautiful, charismatic young women. ð Most of them look more comfortable in their own skin than ever, unapologetically glowing throughout the promotions, like they KNOW exactly what they're serving and are owning it. ð
Their last MV was noticeably lower budget (for the competitive landscape of kpop MVs...) so I'm pretty pleased with what they put into this MV with all of the sets and making it artsy fartsy. ;u; I describe it as "Harry Potter meets Lacy Blindfolds meets Fairytale-Gone-Dark meets Art Museum meets Widow-who-prob-murdered-her-rich-husband ðĨðĨ"
I wish I knew better terms to explain it but I love the musical progression in the song—the instrumental is so interesting and layered (def I think a standout quality about Lovelyz' discography in general is that it never feels musically cheap or empty) and the way it builds is satisfying. Did not expect them to put so much power into the prechorus! And then the chorus gets super funky with a prominent bassline that feels signature to a lot of Lovelyz music. And THE KEY CHANGE WAS INSAAANE the first few times I heard it omg I think the unexpected twists and turns make the song really refreshing. LIKE WHAT is happening with the chords at 3:18 IT BLOWS MY MIND.
And even though it's a big concept change, I appreciate that there's still plenty that ties this into Lovelyz' distinct sound—the sentimentality that they do best, the melodicness, the prominent bass, embracing some retro vibes. I AM, HOWEVER, a little tiny teeny bit disappointed that they're now probably diverging from the ✨story✨ that their main title tracks have been telling all these years... Copied and pasted this from my previous post about Lovelyz:
So now it would be....... Forgetting the pain? Or it kind of feels like a grudge? Erasure? It's technically still in line with them getting over romantic feelings, but the last installment was about looking back on things sweetly so it doesn't feel like a natural progression. Welp ðĪ·♀️ the story was nice while it lasted for 6 years!!
~✨~✨~
In my opinion, there are two really standout b-sides on this mini-album (called "Unforgettable")!
"Memories" is A SUPER INTERESTING SONG... There's plenty of Lovelyz' sentimentality, sweet melancholy, and dreaminess—BUT ALSO.... REGGAE?????? And the choruses are upbeat with synths that are totally reminiscent of magical girl/Sailor Moon vibes! And then at the end it's retro old-tape-that's-slightly-off-tune city pop.
"Worry Doll" is an incredibly comforting song T____T about wanting to hear out the worries in your heart, share the painful things together, and quietly stroke your hair as you sleep. ðð
And the instrumental is too good... It's too good... Acoustic guitar at first, but then it builds into pop-rock with some strings and flutters of piano, and there's even an unexpected electric guitar solo, and then ends with just acoustic guitar again and soothing vocals.
~✨~✨~
Finally... ack. Lovelyz has been posting a few TikToks of what they're calling the #ObliviateChallenge and a lovelinus friend (one of the ones I met the last time I saw Lovelyz perform in LA!) suggested that I do it....... Was on the fence about it but ended up doing it last weekend. I was ready to try my first social distanced outdoor gathering with friends and it felt like such a special occasion that I started putting on makeup for it—then we postponed on account of the suddenly hazardous air quality caused by the heatwave and fires ^^;; so yeah I tried to dance and filmed it and the air quality still continues to be shitty sigh.
League of Legends' "idol group" made a comeback with the pre-release single The Baddest (preceding their full EP which will probably be released in November so idk why they put this one out so early dfjksk) and it's another banger. ð Two of the singers are different from two years ago but I'm sooooo glad that Soyeon and Miyeon—both of (G)I-DLE—returned for their roles. ðĨš
I'm a huge fan of Soyeon's raps and this verse really surprised me! Firstly it's a much darker tone than what I've typically heard her use and it goes hard in a different way than usual—instead of being sort of quippy it's a more constant, low intensity with no rush to go anywhere. It's totally opposite from her flow from True Damage which was all about speed and bounce. And this one is so long; I kept being surprised when it kept going but it's cool that she gets so much spotlight. ^^
I have a lot of fun learning her raps (just started this thread for all of the oneshot covers I've done of Soyeon verses) but WOWEE this one was more challenging than I expected... It turned out to be such a test of stamina, breath control, and even memory haha. The flow is straightforward but the pure length makes it hard. And then keeping up with the kind of darker timbre while adding my own flair but also figuring out how to do this in a one shot without pushing my voice unhealthily so that I could get through full takes intact and also do multiple takes to choose from.. Sustenance has always been an issue for me because I don't use good vocal techniques but somehow??? after filling up my phone's voice memos with practice over 3 days, I'm pleasantly surprised I sorta figured out how to do this one without having a sore throat at the end of filming. ;u;
i was so happy for Soyeon getting such a long rap in The Baddest but aa,, hard,,,, i practiced a lot the past few days so here is my attempt!! ð#KDA#THEBADDESTpic.twitter.com/bdj3dJDG8U
— 3.2 sapphire cv. Eva ❖ CODEX (@waterpixieva) August 30, 2020
Wearin' my shoddy POP/STARS Kai'sa cosplay ehehe SPEAKING OF WHICH....
I-I received two really beautiful pieces of art as surprise gifts in the past couple weeks?!?! q/////q Am not worthy.... am so not worthy.... I MEAN JUST LOOK. SO GORGEOUS. This one is by the incredible artist YouYou who also recently drew amazing pieces of chiisana and fome. Her coloring especially is so stunning and gives her artwork so much life. ð
When I saw @waterpixieva posting pictures of her cosplaying Kaisa, I wanted to draw her! and also to commemorate the coming back of KDA!!! ✨✨ When I look at her in this outfit, I'm really surprised because Eva is so cute to me ahhhh! And this pose is so sexy and mature !! pic.twitter.com/6Cq1t72YZg
And my youtaite friend Estelle whom I've been bonding with a lot lately over all of the anime interests we have in common—namely Mermaid Melody, other magical girls, and Yu-Gi-Oh 5D's lol—.... ðĨš drew me as a mermaid!!!
— ✨ ððžð―ðŪðĩðĩðŪ ✨ (@EstellexLux) August 18, 2020
Aaah so cute so cute I die... chiisana and I have been talking for a long time about putting together a revival Mermaid Melody collab and I've been enjoying relistening to a lot of the songs in the past few months... But now this was the catalyst for me to start rewatching the 2003 anime from the beginning and omg I'm having so much fun with it since I don't remember anything about the plot yet I already love all the characters and can sing along to all the songs!
A few weeks ago I saw a post that gave advice along these lines: that one should stop multitasking—and focus on making each task more meaningful. I haven't actually actively done anything with these words yet lolol but thought it was interesting to hear the opposite perspective of what I've typically done in the past whenever I'm stressed, which is to increase multitasking so that I won't have to feel at the end of the day like I've been too busy to do anything for myself. I think it is true it must have contributed to some anxiety and restlessness though, when I sometimes feel like doing just one thing "isn't enough." Been doing better though. Still kinda busy but not overwhelmed and that constant anxiety I kept referencing over the past couple months went away! Maybe hearing that advice did have a subconscious impact lololol.
- - -
Tonight, I'm devastated by the sudden news of the death of Chadw*ck B*seman. (Please excuse the disrespectful censors ;; I'm just hoping not to accidentally clog up any internet searches with my site.)
I don't want to do the thing of belittling him to a fictional character, but he really was a King in real life—with all of his advocacy; his thoughtfulness; his big, giving heart; the beliefs that he strongly stood for; the change and confidence that he helped champion for the young Black people, for the future of film, and for the world. I love all of his speeches ;; He is such a role model through and through.
For me personally... I associate him with really flowery memories. The two years that I spent hyper-obsessed with the MCU is a time that I often think back on with the warmest fondness and blurry envy. It was so much fun diving into all of the breakdown and analysis content—it felt like there was something always waiting for me that I could enjoy and I found it intriguing the way everything was connected. No franchise has engaged me as deeply since! Rewatching the movies was joyful (and heartbreaking in the best way)—especially Infinity War which I considered one of my favorite films ever. The anticipation and all of the theories leading up to Endgame was unbelievably fun. Watching behind-the-scenes, interviews, and promotions, I also fell in love with how funny and thoughtful the cast was. ;u; And of course, all of the excitement and love around the Black Panther release was unforgettably hype—what a great time that was for the world!!
And so, I'm happy that Chadw*ck (again please excuse the censor) was a part of this time in my life that I consider so rosy and blooming. I feel humbled and thankful that I was able to admire such a great person on- and off-screen, and to have experienced his impact. He left a lot of things worthy of celebration.
Also another thought while the importance of media representation is being widely discussed tonight... It hasn't been lost on me that although I work in small media, I still kindaaa work in media nonetheless. I still have the ability to impact a few people's lives with my work. And especially with the science fair vids that I edit—they are being watched by young students who get inspired by them to apply to these competitions someday or pursue their own projects that work towards making the world a better place. And I know that I have the responsibility to give minority kids as much representation as I can, not to fabricate anything but show them the excellence that already exists.—Nothing has changed but I certainly feel my drive for this renewed. ðŠ Earlier tonight I just wrapped up a new video that I'm looking forward to the client posting because it includes two Black girl scientists who are absolute superstars and I have high hopes that they'll inspire a lot of kids ðŦ
AAAH SHE'S HERE: CODEX's comeback!! SCB3 round 1 was back in February and the chorus battle took a hiatus as people were figuring out their altered lifestyles with the hit of the pandemic and finally now in August we're in round 2! Actually the deadline's been extended til next week but we were luckily already on track to finish by the original deadline so we uploaded really early ;v;
I've already fangirled over this group so much in my last post that I'm not sure I need to repeat how much I love CODEX and CYPHER...... Funnily enough, in that post I mentioned my "emotional favorites" being W and Our Sky, and—although this isn't exactly CYPHER—this new video feels like the 3rd entry of that Feels Trilogy. It is honestly just such a privilege that I get to be in this group, with these precious and sweet friends who are all so skilled that it blows my mind... I'm really in awe at all of them and this video totally captures my reasons for being so. LIKE....EVERYTHING IS SO PERFECT.........
ð Do you hearrrr those vocalsss? T___T Everyone brought the perfect emotions for this beautiful song and I love everyone's voices.. I think Kura especially is a standout in the song for his tastefully emotional, delicate, yet controlled solos at the beginning (also Chiisana's right after him!) and end. Overall everyone is such a good singer that it's hard for me to keep up; I really admire them!
ð The choral arrangement and the mix!!!!! That's [almost] all Fome. He recorded thorough guides of all the adlibs and harmonies for us to follow—resulting in a lot of tracks that he expertly weaved together—and I think that's a big strength of ours. As always Fome's mixes are really polished and he does it so quickly too, it's insane... Oh also the ending acapella part was his idea! (The "diva" adlibs at the end were a team effort tho which is cool ^^ a bunch of us submitted those for him to choose from)
ð Omg Yuki's art is to die for. It's such eye candy as always. I especially love her coloring style and it works so well with this shimmery, jeweled look. ððð Just stunning and I actually like that she didn't just straight up use our persona designs, but did something creative to execute a uniform concept while also keeping us distinguishable by our hair colors! Also the poses are so interesting and refreshing!
ð MOM... MOM, LOOK, I'm in a video animated by Howl!!! ð There is little greater an honor than that as a youtaite. Hahaha. His work really speaks for itself time and time again—he just has this ability to create breathakingly elegant things that are pleasing to the eye and moving to the heart.
From a personal standpoint, I... don't know how to feel about my vocals lol. I was always self conscious about the fact that I have the highest tone, perhaps the weakest singing ability, and I guess my voice is a bit more.. sterile and lacking grace compared to the others? So I think Fome and Howl were clever in scripting me in places where the song changes—to take advantage of that contrast between me and the others. And in some cases I think that worked really well! ;v; I'm actually pretty fond of how my 2nd and 3rd solos (both in the last third) worked because it feels impactful when it goes from a full, rich chorus to just me; or when it goes from Jae's low solo with solitary strings to my starkly different voice at the moment when the music starts to build and the glittery particles start appearing (I love those!!). On the other hand, my first solo is really important because it introduces the first chorus, but I was so damn frustrated while recording that because I struggle to sing it well. And I fear it might stick out in a negative way ;;; Bah. Idk, nothing I can do about it now but at least I feel satisfied with the other solos ;v;;
I have been...evidently very distracted this year and never posted about these collabs that I was in back in May AAAAAAHH.
Uploaded on Mother's Day, I was in Lucy and Mero's super collab of "Mother" from Carole & Tuesday which featured not only a bunch of amazing vocalists but a whole band of Davids (no but srsly there's 3 Davids) awesome musicians who came together to make the instrumental! It sounds so so so so so good. This was a fun collab to be a part of and also introduced me to some new friends. ;v; Such a touching and uplifting song aaa also it's a facecam video which is fun!
And then yaaaay it had been a while since I was in a k-pop collab!
This one is such a blessing... Lia, Nami, and Aerin are all longtime friends—and all sweethearts with wonderful voices—that I'm really fond of ð AND the song is MY ANTHEM, love4eva by LOONA yyxy !! AND I got to sing the part of MY BIAS MY PERFECT GODDESS PRINCESS Yves (pronounced 'eve')!!! And entirely unintentionally, it was uploaded the day before my birthday so it just felt like a big birthday present to me LMAO.
:D :D :D This week I uploaded a surprise yolo solo cover!
The past month has honestly been a pretty rough time, both physically and mentally. My chest pain/rib discomfort went on for three weeks and completely disrupted my life and debilitated my body... It worried me whether that plus my prolonged sore throat could possibly be COVID related—I even took a test and at one point was really frustrated at the ridiculously delayed (3+ weeks) results. It's truly a shame considering all the praise I had for how easy the drive-in was and how the entire process was contactless and quick. Was surprised that they trusted me to do my own stabbing of nostrils! But no, this country is fucked if this is how our testing is going and it's fortunate that I had nothing lifethreatening. ð (Side note: I now believe the sore throat was likely a return of acid reflux due to switching to sleeping on one pillow months ago after years of using two; the turning point happened when I reverted back to two! Who coulda thunk!! A pillow!)
Within that time, at work we were supporting a huge virtual event that led to me putting in 10+ hour days for over a week with only 1 day off, and at certain times I was under a lot of stress. On the final day, I worked 14 hours. ☠️ This compounded with the stress of falling behind on projects and owing lines that I couldn't record due to other project priorities and then my health issues.. And whenever I could record I felt like I did nothing but struggle and fail to deliver—I just.. felt so down on myself about literally everything I did. All of my work made me cringe and I felt embarrassed to be me. orz
My mental health hit a pretty bad point when it was like... y'know I was in pain, still didn't have any answers, this country sucks, was exhausted from working, constantly felt anxious, couldn't sleep enough, my free time was all spent on deepening my insecurities and pervasive negative thoughts, some other personal issues, and it felt like I wasn't allowed to enjoy anything.
When I was finally free from the crazy work schedule and I had my lines in for my most urgent project, I felt.....so....liberated!!! To finally not be stressed or in pain, I felt like a whole new different person. That day I watched the finale of Good Girl—a show featuring a bunch of powerful Korean female singers and rappers which I quite enjoyed—and felt inspired all over again by Jang Yeeun's performance of "Mermaid" and how she's always played this role as a fierce rapper, and finally got to break out of that "bubble" to show that she could be a singer too and confidently challenged different genres. Her growth was so touching! I loved the song already but this time...I felt........maybe I could try to sing it?? My sore throat had at last recovered, the timely pressures were no longer so pressing, I realized the song wasn't too high, and this sparkling burst of inspiration was much too precious to pass up. ð
Immediately pulled my mic out and to my pleasant surprise it only took 1.5 hours to finish recording (albeit TV size) compared to my typical struggling for days or weeks...?! In hindsight there are reasonable explanations for this—the lack of belting or uncomfortably held out notes, not recording harmonies, the verse requiring more emotion than singing skill, the chorus requiring neither lol... But in any case, it was SO REFRESHING ! ! And then I did half of the mix that night! And was actually happy with my work?!?!
I also want to note too that I typically only record while my parents are asleep but because I was in such motivated spirits and wasn't struggling with the song, I pushed through and recorded while they were around AND through a neighbor's visit which I thought was really brave ;v;;
There are still more projects that I'm behind on, but I'm so. glad. that I treated myself by taking out a few days to dedicate to this. This was the self care I needed; it was the best thing I could've done for my soul. ✨ All things considered, it was incredibly satisfying to have a spontaneous desire to sing something... and then actually sing it. Stress free, without needing to try too hard, no restrictions, and for once I felt like I suited the song! Honestly have been feeling down about my mixing as well so it was validating that I actually felt proud of something I did so quickly and I had fun playing with all the reverb and delay. The video was such a blessing to do!! First time filming myself with a projector (an artifact from my mom's past job) and now I'm tempted to go this route with all future videos because HELLO THERE instant, moderately low effort, but extremely good aesthetics!!! Very exciting.
Also got to show off some cute The Little Mermaid paraphernalia which were gifts from chiisana ð Small side story, but I actually remember it was either the morning before I watched the Good Girl finale or the day prior, when I used that hairbrush and for some reason left it on my bed instead of putting it away... Later I noticed it and was like, "Huh it'd be cute if I could make a video with that kind of aesthetic sometime! Not that I have any ideas or will probably be making anything soon." IT WAS A PREMONITION... or maybe it was the cause? Idk.
Filmed on my bed!
Test model~ it wasn't very visible during the day so glad I waited til sundown
And finally, I quite enjoy doing basic things in After Effects so I had fun making the text effects—but especially being able to include rainbowesque bubbles felt like a mini dream come true. ^^ Thanks to Irozuku Sekai no Ashita Kara, I'm forever whipped for the colorful, glowing, bubbly bokeh look and you can count on seeing that again in hopefully improved forms! ð
This gratifying little project really reminded me what it is that I love to do best and why I continue to create things with all my heart.
【Cover】 Jang Yeeun - ëŠĐėëĶŽ (Mermaid) 【Eva】
Shoutout to Sonny for being the one to introduce me to this amazing song and the inspiring multitalent that is CLC's Jang Yeeun ð
At the start of this year I skipped my typical New Year's resolutions—for some reason I just didn't...feel...ready? to make new goals for myself?
Did I somehow intuitively predict that our entire world and lives would be turned upside down and never to be the same again? Did I know that I would've had no way to carry out my resolutions if I had made them? Either way, I'm glad I didn't waste my time I guess LOL. ðĪ·♀️
I cannot guarantee that I'll hit 100 but now that I'm more or less settled into the lifestyle that'll persist into the indefinite future, here are some goals I have in mind for myself.
Welp, at this point I always do these late—although this isn't quite as bad as when I posted it in November last year—but I turned 27 back in May and it's been my tradition to always post a mirror selfie wearing this Birthday Girl shirt ever since I was 15!
....
There's no logical reason to do this but I'm going to do the exact same thing I did last year and hijack the post to share my recent DIY + purchased earrings LOL.
?!?! THE LAST TIME I WROTE ONE OF THESE WAS APRIL?! EXCUSE ME, WHAAAAT?? And it's already mid July?!! Why is time suddenly going at superspeed?! Highly alarming; I literally need a moment to just pause and absorb this information. Wow.
Yaaaaaaaay, the baby has been birthed!! ðĶðĶ It has honestly been such a source of anxiety for me LOL.
Back in December 2018 a group of NorCal friends and I filmed the latest Youtaite React episode and I put it on my project backburner intending to get to it when I had time—since throughout 2018 I pushed back most singing projects in order to release 5(!!) episodes—and very quickly it's already been a year and a half that I'd been holding onto it without progress and the person who was interested in assistant editing was also living their busy life.....
Finally the week before AX (which of course was cancelled/turned virtual) I suddenly swerved from working on a chorus mix to deciding that I wanted to try to get YTReact out first instead. I thought it could be a nice thing to combat the AX cancellation blues and uplift the youtaite community a bit since we've recently been exposed to much more of the dark sides of it—a good thing so that we could flush them out—and it seemed like many were forgetting that there's also lots of wholesome friendships and meaningful personal development and great things that have come out of this community.
For this episode we answered questions that were submitted to us; and I do dare boast that the video turned out not only insightful and informative, but also wildly hilarious. It's a fun one because we filmed in pairs so there's bantering and also audience reactions to boost the energy!
Despite the insane amount of footage, I smiled a lot throughout the editing process because everyone was so entertaining. Sad that there are many gems I had to leave out but the video's already almost pushing 10 minutes, eek. Going forward I'm not too sure when we'd do more episodes heh..... is a lot of work... Anyway, if you watch it I hope you enjoy!
YOUTAITE REACT to Your Questions 【ep. 6】
Director / Brand Design: myst Producer / Camera / Video Edit: Eva Audio Recordist / Asst Director: fome Audio Edit: mochi Motion Graphics: KT (lower thirds), kumo (transitions), myst/Eva (intro)
A place where I'll continue updating with links to the people / organizations that I find who are accepting donations in direct support of the ongoing protests for Black Lives Matter and racial justice around the US. For those who can afford to, I'd like to encourage helping these brave people out because these demonstrations are a big part of creating tension to drive meaningful change right now. Thank you!!
I began compiling this list around June 25th, 2020 and am not including funds that have been inactive for over a month. If you know of anything I should add on here, please let me know! ð
* indicates that it was added in the most recent update
Jang Yeeun (ėĨėė) "Mermaid (ëŠĐėëĶŽ) (ft. Rohann)"
Sonny linked this song to me the other day and I've been listening to it a lot; I really like it. ð The "mermaid" theme and the way the instrumental so ethereally brings that to life, the fact that Yeeun is actually a rapper in her group (CLC) but can sing this well, the lyrics, it's all somewhat comforting.
For some reason my mental health took a huge dive in the past two days, although I'm doing better today! It felt rather sudden, but I guess the "build-up" was how I've been more on edge with anxiety lately and feeling burnt out after spending the holiday weekend hardcore working on projects and likely some hormonal changes. It's good timing that jobwork slowed down a bit for me this week so I've thankfully been able to take a breather and take a look at my values again. For a while I was questioning all over again what makes me happy, what makes me feel fulfilled. There were so many things that I suddenly forgot.
I enjoy making content and I feel gratified when people feel touched or inspired by the things I pour my heart into (although I don't want to be dependent on feedback—when it happens it's a nice bonus). I don't want to measure my value by my productivity or how many things I put out or how quickly they get done. I think I need to accept that I'm the kind of person who needs a lot of time to work on anything healthily and that if I'm upset at my level of skill, I can/should take the time to improve my skills. And to not be disappointed at myself for being slow, for not being as good at something as I'd like, or for not matching up to other people.
And to not be disappointed in myself for already doing my best. It's hard on days when that voice of anxiety keeps barking at you to do more, to do better, and it's just never satisfied, it's never enough, the entire day is wasted, nothing is enjoyable or meaningful. But yeah, the break from work is just what I needed to ease into trying to relax a bit and to try to convince myself that living a day without "accomplishment" is still living. I've been listening to meditation before sleeping and also occasionally taking breaks to rest my eyes while listening to a Jane Austen audiobook. Last week I said that I was saving the ACNH Summer update and Pokemon CafÃĐ Mix for when I finished my two current high priority projects—and to be frank I stopped looking forward to it for some reason—but I'm going to try to log off now and play a bit. Hopefully it's fun ;v;
Also this country is still on fire. I'm still upset about that. What the hell.
It's crazy to think that if there weren't a pandemic right now, I would've just been in LA for Anime Expo for our yearly con adventure—sharing a hotel room with way too many friends but making a ton of memories and inside jokes, meeting up with youtaite from all over the world, spending time every day making myself look somewhat presentable, sometimes dedicating hours to getting into cosplay, bumbling around this village of all sorts of weeaboos, constantly waiting in lines in the heat, bouncing through town in pursuit of food and dessert, every day an unpredictable adventure and escape from reality with high social pressure but...it's just too fun so we can't stop going back LOL. Now I don't know when I'll ever get to hang out with my friends in person again, I rarely leave my room, I kind of revel in not having to make myself look presentable or talk to anyone or go anywhere, hehhhh. (How do I still feel exhausted even without having to do these things? I can no longer imagine having to do those things.)
I revisited my cosplay photos from last AX in reminiscence and it reminded me that I've actually done a few closet cosplays at home this year that I kept meaning to put up on here too yet never remembered to..... Throwin' it back a little! ðŦ
I don't know what to do with these thoughts so I'm just gonna write them here. ;o;
Firstly I want to apologize if by chance, anybody who lives outside of the US saw some of my previous posts about our current events and felt that I was shaming you for not doing enough or not paying enough attention. I know everyone has their own issues and priorities and I really don't think that "if you're not with us then you're against us" applies to the context of those not involved (though it is true for those who have power and choose not to use it)—and I realized that the tone of my posts may have sounded like that, so I'm sorry if that needlessly pressured you. TT
Admittedly some of the harshness was intentional because I was frustrated at the people around me in the US who straight up wanted to turn a blind eye and didn't understand the issues at large that permeate and harm all of our local communities.. And to be frank, I'm still frustrated that there is a revolution happening and so many people aren't doing anything/aren't able to do anything.....including myself. ðĢ It was easier to have a fighting spirit before when I could keep saying that "every little bit helps"—which still does hold true and I know there's been a difference made but the reality is that it's not enough. We've definitely been seeing some good-willed, progressive change here and lots of people are listening and working on policies that protect people from those that abuse their power—but holy fuck it's scary how much it's not enough. It's SO SCARY that many authoritative people hear those voices and choose not to care, choose to blatantly continue to discriminate and oppress and be genocidal.
And why is there even still an argument about masks and the validity of a pandemic that's killed so many people????? Maybe sure, question it for the first week, but the idiocy is STILL ongoing and so many officials have just given up and/or believe that the economy is more important than human lives. God I feel fortunate to live in CA where masks are mandated and they recently paused reopening in response to cases rising, but whenever I look anywhere else........ WHAT IS HAPPENING..................... WHAT THE HELLLLL
WHAT ON THIS BLOODY EARTH CAN I DO ABOUT ALL OF THIS?? It makes me feel so helpless. We should continue to petition and email but I wish those got more mileage. I've heard of a few instances where a successful petition was referenced in helping bring about a result so yeah we should still keep signing them for the sake of those few, but we're also seeing that they're not effective collateral against everyone. Donating has been important and it's been great to see all of the success there—and now we're hitting a point where I want to be more proactive about where I'm continuing to donate because so many orgs have already been so widely supported, yay! However it'll take time for them to process all that money and put it to use; it's absolutely a good long-term investment but I'm getting impatient because bullshit is still happening every day.
It's becoming clear now that the protests are the biggest bringers of change. I'm really proud that people have been going out there consistently, even if the news no longer shows them. And I'm freaking frustrated that I can't join them and do more.
I've been thinking about how I can more directly contribute to the movement from afar, what my "lane" can be in my circumstances.... For now the answer I've come up with is that I'm determined to distribute my income as much as is reasonable. My job takes up a lot of my time (oh things have been so crazy lol) so I've started to think of it as, I'll keep working hard to make money that I can donate to people that need it more/can make a bigger difference than me. Idk how to explain that thought process without coming off as braggy—not that it's much to boast about since I'm so far removed from the frontlines—but that's why I'm trying to look into fundraisers that directly help the people on the streets or who are organizing demonstrations. I'd greatly appreciate any other leads because they've actually not been very easy to find (plus a lot of outdated posts) and I'm sure there's a lot of local orgs with a small online presence but could use help. ;;
That said, I'mma link some of the ones I've found recently in case anyone else is in the same boat and has money they can afford to redistribute. ;o;
Ello! Wowie has it been a crazy time LOL. The past handful of weeks has been a ton of learning, paying a lot more attention to current events, petitioning, emailing, donating, trying to share resources, having tough conversations with some people around me..... Admittedly I've been privileged enough in my life to not have to "care about politics" but now seeing that basic human rights are a debate of policy—and keep becoming increasingly and dangerously more so under the current US administration—it's really lit a fire under me to try to do what I can. :/
~✨~✨~
Just wanted to make a quick post to ease back into updates. It's kind of becoming my Thing to quickly learn raps that interest me (okay mostly Soyeon raps) and record a live cover on it on my phone with distracting Snow filters ahahaha. It's really fun since I enjoy challenging myself with raps and it's a nice, casual, quick way for me to share my vocal ventures without having to mix anything or wait for a collab to be completed. :'D
The one I just did the other day is Hayate's (cv: fome) rap from the virtual male idol group Kerberos' debut song Greedy. Super impressed by their whole production, especially the quality of the song and the mixing... Just superb, so professional. ð If you buy their single, you can also get their Japanese and Korean versions which are also super good—I'm particularly a fan of the Korean version since it flows with the song so well! This is pretty embarrassing though l-lol.....
h..ello scReaAMMs i tried to rap Hayate's part from Kerberos' Greedy....... i do not know who voices him but i stan
— Eva ❖ CODEX // Gemini (@waterpixieva) June 17, 2020
Wait, what it's already been 2 months since this one? Crap.... Okay so 2 months ago I also did Soyeon's rap from (G)I-DLE'S "Oh My God" which was basically a tongue twister ☠️
i couldnt resist learning another Soyeon rap hhh here's my attempt at her verse in #GIDLE's newest banger Oh My God ! pic.twitter.com/Siro6eJt25
