🌸 Eva's Skincare Masterpost 🌸

[Updated Jul 30, 2023]

Hi there!! I put this together for me to remember not to repeat mistakes, but decided to publish in case anybody's looking for [mostly Korean] skincare recommendations. This is yeaaars upon years of trying stuff haha. My skin goes through a lot of product, so I'll try to keep this post updated! I'd love recommendations so please feel free to share via commenting or tweet/DM or whatnot, and also if you'd like more details on anything in particular. :D


About my skin:
TL;DR: Products that work for me are likely extremely hydrating and gentle. I can't speak for acne.

Long version lolol: I have chronic dry skin, premature wrinkles, sensitive irritable skin, eczema (mostly subsided), and occasional red patchiness—although I've never had acne as my face doesn't seem to produce oil. If I fall asleep without more than a layer of cream, I will wake up looking like the floor of a crackly dry desert. My skin is still problematic, but skincare basically keeps me afloat~ My smile lines have been reduced a lot and admittedly I now have baby ass soft cheeks LOLOL

How I judge effectiveness depends on 1) if I can wake up without a dry face—even better if it's supple, smooth, glowing, 2) if it can reduce the frequency at which I must re-moisturize during the day—typically every few hours CRIES, and 3) if it stings or causes irritation.


Organized in chronological skin routine order......
[generally: cleanser - toner - essence - serum/ampoule - cream - eye cream - sleeping pack / sunscreen]

Bold = fixed part of my daily routine that I repurchase
* = I've only tried it once or in sample size

Camera stuff! Vlogs! Flowers! Bah!

Why do I never find the time to update this blog :(

Here's a hopefully quick one as I'm wrapping things up and prepping to fly out to Japan and Korea in 2 days!!

It's been busy... In March, I had a business trip to DC for one of the more intense projects that I handle. I get to honor some genius and hardworking students in STEM, so it's very fulfilling and worth the long days spent editing in my hotel room!

Aside from that, there's been lots of fun outings with NorCal youtaite and I'm working on Youtaite React episode 2. Also have a solo cover in the works!!! Hopefully will have it out not long after I'm back from the trip. ;o;

I plan to vlog in Japan and Korea, but I'm only bringing my DSLR so I may have some good biceps by the end of it all LOL. Unfortunately, it was reallyyy hard to find a lens that would be ideal for vlogging (good in low light, compact, AFFORDABLE...) so here's what I've got now!

A pancake lens! It's 24 mm with a max aperture of F2.8, so it's...not that wide (this camera has a crop sensor) and fine in low light but not the best. It was $150, which is really good since lenses go into the thousands lol..

And here's where a hack comes in. I took a risk on this $25 attachment that screws onto your lens and is supposed to make the angle wider by 0.43x. Downsides are that it's rather big for comfortable vlogging, it's fisheye, and it does distort around the edges—but for how cheap it is, it's pretty cool!

I apologize that I REALLY CAN'T REMEMBER whether or not I moved in between taking these two pics, and I don't have any other examples I can pull up quickly right now.. But here's kind of maybe a reference of comparison ;; I can't imagine I would've moved too much since there was a rail.

Anyway, I did have one free day in DC during that business trip last month, so I finally did some touristy things and checked out the botanic garden and a museum :'D I took the chance to try to familiarize myself with vlogging again so I put together a mini vlog! Featuring Sohly who's a youtaite that writes killer raps.

[Mini Vlog] A Day in DC!

I said I would make it quick but I realized I haven't gotten a chance to post up all of the pictures I took at the botanic garden of pretty flowers, so here is a photo dump /o/

YOUTAITE REACT Ep. 1

If you haven't seen this yet, SURPRISEEEEE LOL. Youtaite reaction videos have been a joke for a while, but this time we took the joke far, further, farthest... until it came into existence and now it's a Real Thing.

We kept this one small and top secret since it was a pilot and we weren't sure how it would work/if it would work out... It definitely took more effort and time than I expected it to, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out and super delighted by the awesome response we got. xD Later this month, we'll be filming episode 2 with a bunch of other youtaite (who're really pumped about it!) so I expect that one to be more fun than this one haha. Please look forward to it and thanks for watching!!

YOUTAITE REACT to their First Choruses

Closed captions are available~ ▶ FEATURED YOUTAITE: Fome http://www.youtube.com/fome http://www.twitter.com/at_fome Myst http://www.youtube.com/mystraven http://www.twitter.com/mystraven Kyle/Kairu http://www.youtube.com/NabaroKairu http://www.twitter.com/NabaroKairu Eva http://www.youtube.com/waterpixieva http://www.twitter.com/waterpixieva ▶ FEATURED CHORUSES/COLLABS: 【Zessei Bijin feat Fome】 IA IA Night of Desire 「HBD Ariah'!」 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2ivq... 『Magnet』 アンバのお誕生日の為に 【十人合唱】 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYCoU... 【So★CB-R1】月光潤色ガール【Re:_10UP】 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOtoo... Fighting Pose wa Date ja nai! Group Dub (only exists in .wmv lol) ▶ BACKGROUND MUSIC: マトリョシカ/Matryoshka (composed by Hachi) Magnet (composed by minato) SET-UP & EDIT: Eva DIRECTOR & MOTION GRAPHICS: Myst

YOUTAITE REACT Ep. 1: Behind-the-Scenes & Extras!

I cannot believe how much it came full circle that making youtube videos led me to choose to pursue a career in video production, which gave me the experience and resources in order to make youtube videos about my youtube videos.

I Wish ♥♥♥

Ahhh, where do I even start... I can't remember the last time I was this happy and satisfied with my life. ;u; Not sure why but I feel like I'm more in tune with myself than ever. I can't remember if I ever felt like, "Wow I am a healthy person!" the way I do now. It's probably good luck and good timing that a combination of things has led me to this, and I hope I don't take it for granted haha. I feel worry-free, I feel proud, I feel confident and self-empowered, I feel loved, and I feel like I have things I enjoy and look forward to. It's crazy.

So let's start with my I Wish collab, because I feel that it was likely a trigger in all of this... In my last post, I said my confidence in mixing took a nosedive, so I was pretty scared about getting back into this mix. ;A; But as I did, I realized that I really didn't hate the mix...? All I remembered was my dissatisfaction and struggle with it, so I had low expectations, but honestly I hadn't done a bad job at all...? So I spent about 5 days working on it more, took advice, redid the mastering, improved it, and just kind of threw in the towel when I was riding up against my self-determined deadline for the evening before Valentine's LOL. I'd say considering my current ability, I'm about 95% satisfied with the mix, which is pretty amazing!!!!!! There was so much frustration that I was hitting my limits, so I thank the heavens that I might still yet have potential in me. Also, I was pretty scared about the animation, because I'm really not experienced in animating and the standards for both aesthetics and technicality have risen ridiculously high (due to animators' hard work, respect) in this community. In the end, I've accepted that it's really not bad for being my first animation in AE and for being primarily a mixer/vocalist. Some seemed to like it a lot, yay ;o; <3

I'm really happy about this collab... All 12 of the other girls in it are suuuuch sweethearts, super supportive and gracious, and wow their voices. *___* They're all fantastic and I'm grateful they agreed! I'm glad to see them receiving love and extra recognition through this. ♥ One of my favorite things is that I was privileged to be in a place where I could invite and bring together friends from different communities—so I was able to have friends (and a new friend I stalked down because I liked her voice LOL) from the youtaite community, long-time friends with whom I've been singing since 2010 (Zoey and Chiisana since 2007 actually!), and some friends that I met in 2016 through the k-pop coverist competition PRODUCE90. That's a super beautiful thing to me ;____; And the adorable art makes me clutch my heart!

And of course, I'm proud that I was able to complete this collab at all. It's actually been hitting me with a lot of guilt throughout the past year, whenever I had to deprioritize it in favor of other projects, whenever it was me that was holding up the entire thing... I had wondered if I was wrong to be so ambitious to be organizing, mixing, animating, rapping in, and recording additional harmonies for a 13-person collab. The more time went by without me completing it, the more I felt I was failing—and I also didn't have the confidence that I could make it up to expectations. But ultimately... in this economy when most non-chorus battle collaborations never see the light, I'm glad I could shine some on this one. ^^

HONESTLYYYY it was good luck more than anything that I happened to be able to finish it up right around Valentine's Day, which I believe helped it get such good reception for being a collab of a kpop song most have never heard of before LOL!! I'm so grateful for how well it was received, like ;_____; it exceeded my expectations tenfold. ;___; There was so much love! Not to mention that I don't have any expectations for my youtube channel anymore, because I'm pretty much a washed up unspectacular person whose subs are mostly from ancient times and I cover mostly kpop despite being most active in a non-kpop community, and I've basically come to accept that it'll be this way until there's a turnaround. The amount of views/likes/retweets may not match up to others' works, but for me, it was shocking. Thank you.

It truly reminded me of how supportive and full of love the people around me are. ;o; It felt like it was the birthday of me and everyone else in the cast!

As for everything else in my life... After a few weeks of work being very stressful and deadline-ridden, it's been slow and chill for the past 2 weeks, which I've uh been taking advantage of LOL... I know it's going to get busy again soon, so I'm enjoying this. Typically I'd feel guilty over not being productive enough.. and I always feel like a failure for how late I can't drag myself out of bed until and how late I get to work...... but lately, I still think, "Wow I did amazing anyway!" Q^Q I'm quite pleased with myself for taking care of myself and how good I feel about myself despite whatever. I'm in such a good mental and emotional condition that I was able to shake off something that would usually put me in an unhappy and toxic mood. I haven't let physical discomforts get me down either. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm grateful for it right now. I also feel that I've found a good balance of doing good towards others, without giving away too much of myself, which is pretty important to me after how burnt out I was for a while. I'm glad I have time to spend on hobbies and indulgent fangirling—they bring me a lot of joy. I think I'm more comfortable with myself now. The other day, I noted how green the hills were and thought that a cloud looked cool, which I wouldn't have said a year ago!! I'm proud that I've been going to kpop dance class weekly and that my acid reflux has diminished a lot since I started going on a diet for it. AND!!!!! I might be doing a new solo after all, since I felt like recording it and actually enjoyed it ^^.... It's been a while since I truly enjoyed recording. I'm happy that I can work on passion projects, that I can feel "inspiration."

Also I think it's worth noting that right now I'm happy about the friends I have and—gross moment—about how wonderfully blissful and strong my relationship is. I owe a lot to Fome.

YEAH OKAY WELL HERE'S "I WISH" PLEASE APPRECIATE THE 12 BEAUTIES I GOT TO SING WITH!!! <3333

【COLLAB】 Cosmic Girls - I Wish (너에게 닿기를)

⇢ VOCALS:
SeolA  ★  Mimi ･ https://www.youtube.com/mimimoiselle
Xuan Yi  ★  ひのえ (Hinoe) ･ https://www.youtube.com/AqueousSky
Bona  ★  Nessa ･ https://www.youtube.com/nessaxvaa
EXY  ★  Eva ･ https://www.youtube.com/waterpixieva
Soobin  ★  Aerin ･ https://www.youtube.com/RamenBlossom
Luda  ★  mitsu ･ https://www.youtube.com/xRaemii
Dawon  ★  Zoey ･ https://www.youtube.com/XoZoeymonxx
Eunseo  ★  Ashley ･ https://www.youtube.com/KyungJae94
Cheng Xiao  ★  Brey ･ https://www.youtube.com/breyomi
Mei Qi  ★  serena☆ ･ https://www.youtube.com/SutekiAozora
Yeoreum  ★  Mima ･ https://www.youtube.com/MLOUDMima
Dayoung  ★  Yoonshin ･ https://www.youtube.com/lovelight4339
Yeonjung  ★  小さな (chiisana) ･ https://www.youtube.com/ChiisanaChanx3

⇢ ILLUSTRATIONS:
さる (saru) ･ https://twitter.com/saru_rkgk

⇢ MIX & VIDEO:
Eva ･ https://www.youtube.com/waterpixieva

Ambition

Man, I feel a strange wave of ambition surging through me... even though it comes with some stress and worry and even guilt. >_> I've decided that there are a lot of things I want to do and I hope it doesn't overwhelm me.

Firstly, I'm working on a video thing that may possibly become a series, or might just be a two-off deal. I'd also really like to get back into vlogging, so I will definitely be doing that during my Japan+Korea trip in April with Chiisana and Fome! Any vlogging done before that depends on if anything exciting happens haha. Thennnn I'd like to film a little "music video" for my birthday solo in May. ;u; Any solos before then really depend on the status of my other projects heh... I'm also going to do a duet with Fome for the first time! (which is very nerve-wracking)

Something that's new is that now that I've gone to 3 k-pop dance classes, I'd like to keep up with dancing as my form of exercise. ;o; If I'm ambitious enough to become decent enough, I might post some short dances to show what I've practiced........ This one would be nice to accomplish, but I'm unsure because I'm a pretty weak dancer so it'll take a lot. At the last class, we learned Red Velvet's new song Bad Boy so I think I'm going to keep working at that for now ;v;

This I really debated talking about because I'm ...beyond embarrassed. Recently, I worked on a birthday chorus for my friend Katie. If you'd like to watch, please pay attention to the adorable art, the animation, the vocals..... Everyone in this collab did great! But whatever you do, please don't pay attention to the mix. I wish I could own up to it, but I can't. ;;;;; It was a huge struggle, we couldn't find a good instrumental, and I was really frustrated that I couldn't do what I'm sure other mixers would probably be able to do really well...

It's made me kind of fear mixing a little bit. My confidence in mixing took a nosedive. But I do have to get back into it soon so that I can finish up my k-pop collab—which I mixed and animated—and upload ASAP. ;w; However, after that I think I'm going to take a step back and only mix for myself and Gemini for a while. Hopefully Gemini will have a new upload in the next couple months too, yay!

But back to Katie's birthday chorus, here it is~ Please enjoy the art, animation, and vocals~ (Realtalk I'm very delighted to be a magical girl)

[Happy Birthday KT!] Endless Starlight - League of Legends

Vocalist: Mizu: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCupzFTmUq6EW9UejXwWR6QQ k*chan: https://www.youtube.com/user/iKawaiiAishiteru mong: https://www.youtube.com/user/vamong/ Eva: https://www.youtube.com/user/waterpix... Cream: https://www.facebook.com/creamsherryart/

Mix: Eva (Main Mix) Mizu (Tune & Time) Art: creamsherry: (Sketch & Line) https://www.instagram.com/creamsherry... brella: (Color & Staff Chibis) http://umbrellaguns.tumblr.com/ Animation: utsu: https://www.youtube.com/user/Digitalx...

Kate Kim "So Long, Baby" + BTS Photos

Ayyy, this is an exciting post!!!

So quick story: my friend Gino has a high school friend—Kate Kim—who debuted in Korea as a soloist after participating on a singing competition show. She's AMAZINGLY super talented and a lot of our friends have been supporting her for years despite never having met her. She co-composed an awesome song, came back to California to film an MV for it, and when Gino told me about it, I was more than happy to help out on the shoot. ^^ It was a long, exhausting day of handling gear, but a very fun experience and I learned a lot from the crew leads! And now I can say I've worked on a k-pop video hahaha!

When I wasn't helping with lighting, I was taking behind-the-scenes photos on my camera. (Ah have I mentioned on here that I bought my first DSLR in October? :>) And I guess they ended up choosing one of the pictures I took as the cover photo for the single, which was really unexpected and cool!!! So you can see this on iTunes and on official Korean streaming sites and errthang....

Anyway, here is Kate's MV for "So Long, Baby" which is a wonderfully groovy bop. She sings with so much flair and oomph and it's got me singing, "do re mi fa sol~~" all the time. The music video looks so cool; the space we filmed in was tiny, but it's incredible what we were able to make out of it thanks to the crew's creativity. And look! how! cute! Kate is! And chic and sassy and gorgeous all at once.

It's also worth noting that Kate's as much of a sweetheart as I already had an impression of her being. Honestly every single person on the set was really nice and cooperative, so it was a positive and productive atmosphere the whole time. Gino vlogged/took behind-the-scenes videos (of course, because he's Gino) which you can check out below. You might spot me a few times~

Under the cut, I'll be sharing some of the photos I snapped on the shoot. :D I'm no photographer and I'm still very inexperienced with cameras, but I do really like how some of these turned out. Enjoy!

Artful Lying 2k18

(The second installment to this 2014 post.)

Hi!! I tweeted this a few days ago but thought I'd post here too since I used to often blog my make-up ventures. ^^

It all started when I developed a girl crush on EXID's Hani. I mean, truly, if I were there THAT WOULD BE ME.

She put me through this entire phase of "oh my god why does Hani make purple hair seem so tempting" -> "wait don't let me get purple hair though lmao I have two purple wigs omg" -> "ACTUALLY maybe...." -> "Okay it's happening, I want to try purple ends to my hair." But alas, I don't think I'll be doing it after all LOL... My hair's gotten pretty dry, so I'm wary about how much I'd have to bleach it in order to achieve purple.

She's also made me wonder if I would want to try having frontal bangs again. >A> I was thinking of buying some extensions, but the other day I trimmed my bangs, and it was short enough to kiiind of fake it when my hair is really curled!

Typical Eva~

Cue transformation sequence aka an hour of me struggling to put on makeup

swirls

particles

glittering background

sparkly music

    

Yeah, I don't know who this is--

I think this was my first time highlighting my entire lower eye rim like this, but I'll probably try doing it more. Honestly, the makeup looked shitty in person (the camera tells lies and in this case, it's great) but it was fun to do!

Goblets in the Mailbox

Just a little thing I wanted to share~ A few days ago, my company did an exercise to stir our creative “design thinking,” in which we got into pairs and interviewed each other about the last gift we gave… which ended up going deeper into our gift-giving tendencies and mindset, how these were shaped by how we grew up, what the experience feels like for us. Then we had to draw as many sketches as possible, followed by building a physical “prototype” or model, as a solution for our partner’s problem/what they’re trying to achieve. My partner’s problem that I decided to address was how—although she does genuinely love being able to give things to everyone in her life—it’s a responsibility that can stress her out. And she often feels that her gifts aren’t big/good enough? :c

As our building materials, we dug out whatever we had in the office LOL so a lot of Lego’s, paper clips, paper, forks…. So I made her a model out of Lego’s! :’D I represented her as a Lego person, standing next to a mailbox because that was the first Lego object I found that worked as a container haha. Inside the mailbox were a bunch of little golden goblets, because for some reason we had an abundance of those in our kit. And the Lego person was surrounded by a handful of more Lego people, representing her loved ones, each holding an identical little golden goblet. My solution for my partner was for her to always remember and not to undermine all of the good deeds she’s done and gifts she’s given to others throughout the year, so that she might not feel as pressured by or guilty about these big gifts she feels she owes. So yeah ^^ a reminder that those goblets you’ve given out are important and they are goblets that will stay with you if you remember to keep them in your mailbox! TLDR please appreciate yourself and how much you’ve done for others ♥

babbie's first dance class and power rangers

Just wanted to write this down so that I'll have a reminder of it later on! Last week, I went to my first everrrr dance class. @A@ It was an "all levels" K-pop dance class that I attended with friends Chiisana, Chris, Gino, Kyle, and David. It was uh...not an easy decision to go for it—I've improved tons but I'm still not totally comfortable with putting myself out there physically and being watched, and even worse, being evaluated...... I feel like my body and my movements are awkward, I don't have experience with dancing, I'm a pretty slow learner and have a hard time seeing movements and interpreting how to imitate them, and I have very little physical strength and endurance asldkfjsdlfj BUT I STILL WENT so I guess I overcame something. o^o The class was hard!!! I struggled the whole time to keep up and limped from soreness for nearly a week. My legs have never felt this sort of excruciating burn before. We learned Pristin's "Weewoo," which I love but never expected could give me this much pain and could bruise my knees so terribly. So yeah!! Starting the year sorta with trying a new thing!!! Friends seem interested in attending more k-pop classes, but it will depend for me on whether it's a girl group dance or boy group dance, because the former usually means more fun putting in expressive character while I think I might collapse attempting the latter lololol.



Also this is the most random and dorky thing, but at this very moment this is what I'm obsessed with LMAO.

"Power Rangers Dino Force Brave [ENDING]"

2018 New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year! What a crazy year we just made it through.

I've been writing 100 resolutions each year since 2009; and admittedly they're usually more points of hope rather than committed goals haha. This year, I want to focus more on changing and developing habits, to better take care of my health and mental health. I actually made half of this list at the beginning of December, and I'm doing pretty well so far at keeping to it!

Since the very tragic event of a couple weeks ago, I've been putting a large emphasis on self care—so I hope this is something we all can make our 2018 about. ;u;

If you'd like to see how I did on my resolutions for 2017, you can read my review post here~

There's something very cathartic about the time spent reading old blog posts. This I had to do in order to jog my memory of the past year, so thank god so many things are chronicled! Without perspective, it's easy to feel like you haven't been moving forward, but it is really a healing experience to rediscover what I used to be like, the kinds of thoughts I had, everything I've been able to overcome, and the kinds of hope I had. ^^ And the good memories are good reminders that I'm capable of having opportunities for happiness and purpose. So I really like and am thankful that I blog! 2017 wasn't a heavy blog year for me (23 posts vs 238 posts in 2013 lmao) but I hope in 2018, I'll be able to leave more thoughts here and chronicle more of my experiences and learnings, good or bad [or trivial].

Edit: I just went to see how and why I posted so often in 2013 and tbh 2013 Eva can preach.

2017 New Year's Resolutions Review

Hoo boy, this year LOL. We're finally at the end of it.

It's strange because I have lots of moments when I feel like I'm being stagnant, but when I think back to the beginning of 2017, it........ feels like it was 2-3 years ago? SO MUCH happened this year. In hindsight, I grew a tremendous amount, took huge leaps in accomplishments, and have been steadily improving my skills and confidence. In October 2016, there were some things about which my bosses said, "I can imagine Eva doing ___ someday!" that became real by May this year. So that's pretty awesome!!

Emotionally and socially, I feel like I struggled more this year than in the past few years. I don't really know why. Also, this year I started being explicitly open about depression and thoughts related to death for the first time, so that is a step! I think it will be upwards from here. ;v;

Best Boy

Blublubbb a pretty unimportant post; I'm kind of rambling. Today, one of my bosses called me "the editing queen," which was cute, and then I went on to finish editing a video that I was pretty proud of! I thought about showing it to people or even maybe putting it on my professional profile... But giving it a watch-through, I realize that it's not necessarily impressive work? There's not really a point to showing it off? I feel that many people don't entirely understand what it is that I do as an editor, which I understand is not their fault at all. ;A; Contrary to what you'd expect, I don't have many technical strengths—but what I'm told that I do well is piecing together stories, telling people's messages cohesively and with pathos. Also being fairly quick(?) at sorting through footage, having a decent sense for selecting the best shots, and inserting them where fitting! These are not flashy skills, and they are skills that are usually not acknowledged... which is befitting since I've written tons of anxious posts here about not being sure that I was skilled at all? As it turns out, I guess I have the sort of skill that lies beneath the surface and is difficult to recognize. /o/ I tend to forget this a lot haha. But I do feel that it's hard to prove myself to anyone that doesn't know what I do on a close level, or to anyone that doesn't understand how video works..... It's a slope I'm still figuring out how to climb.

One thing I realized that I tend to forget to be proud of myself for is the fact that I'm a girl in this industry that's dominated by men and for challenging people's often sexist expectations. "Are you sure you want to go into this career path that's for guys? And requires physical work?" is something I was asked. I'm constantly hearing people say things like, the camera guy, the audio guy, the lighting guy—to which I've responded before, "Actually, I'm the audio guy." Surprise!!!

Some months ago, I was on a video shoot unrelated to work, for a parody sort of video with a bunch of my former uni classmates. I was on the lighting team, someone pointed out that I was the best boy (a position which means assistant to the head of lighting), and we laughed. They ended up crediting me on the video as something else that made equal sense, but in hindsight I wish I had told them seriously, "Yes, please actually credit me as best boy electric." The irony is delicious LOL!! It makes you think about the industry, which I hope learns better. Anyway today I will pat myself on the back for somewhat challenging sexism I think.

Some Personal Thoughts

Yesterday, Jonghyun from SHINee—an extremely talented and respected singer of a group I've loved since their debut 9 and a half years ago—passed away from suicide. It's heartbreaking; it's incredibly painful news that you've most likely heard about already. Aside from his music and breathtaking performances (and other achievements, the list goes on), I'm also grateful to him as he's now creating another legacy in sparking widespread discussion about depression and mental health. ;___; Rest in peace, Jonghyun.

I cried a shit ton; god it's like I'd lost control of my tearducts yesterday and they were leaking everywhere even when I wasn't really thinking about it. Honestly, I'm not fully at peace about it yet, but through this tragic experience, I feel like a part of me has been renewed or given a second chance.

Especially since I decided to distance myself from most social media and the articles related to it, I've spent a lot of time reflecting about myself.

As of today, I'm not sure that I would call myself a depressed person exactly? I'm much better than I was before...... In the past two months, I haven't struggled as much with my confidence! It is still difficult to pull myself out of bed—but this is usually a mixture of both physical and mental setbacks. I still find myself without goals. And I'm still constantly dreading, never looking forward to things, because I know that they're going to consume all of my energy and it's going to be hard. Sometimes, everything seems hard, even though literally nothing in my life is considered hardship at all. "Going forward" is something I never think about. But in general, I'm mostly okay I think...! I'm able to see the light in a lot of things. I'm always late, but I still show up, push through, and work hard. I reread the post I wrote in April which sums a lot of it up, and I can already see that I've improved since then! (I've definitely been implementing the three goals I set for myself ^^)

But I'm thinking about what I can do right now to take care of myself better. For starters, I want to stop thinking about myself in terms of accomplishments. I want to tell myself regularly that I "did well" even when I haven't done anything of glory. I want to remind myself constantly that there are things that others can do more easily than I can, just naturally because we are different, that it's not a matter of me lacking. I want to celebrate myself for making it through things and for accepting challenges, even if I may not have technically performed the greatest or even up to my self-projected standard.

I really hate that I had to learn it through this tragedy, but I think I have a new appreciation of life in a way. Not that I think I would ever be able to go through with attempting suicide, but... this is probably the first time I've been deeply affected by the consequences of suicide. And it's horrific. It's painful. I don't mean to say this with a negative connotation, but it is fundamentally a selfish act. And I realized that these consequences that I always thought somewhat lightly of...are of a weight I hope to never want to cast. There's nothing glorious about it. The escape isn't worth it. I wish so badly that he could have held on a little more, that he could have been helped better, that he could have received enough love that he could believe in, that he could have done anything—ANYTHING to take care of himself other than that. And so I want to hold on a little more, and when I'm stable enough to give more, I want to give love and help those that need it. I want to indulge in little happinesses as I search for more big happinesses. I want to make decisions to take care of myself, no matter what they may be, so that I never end up on that desperate route.

Today I want to tell myself that I haven't failed at anything. Things that haven't gone the way I wanted them to go...that's okay. Life is a big picture, and I'm the only one trashing easels over a minuscule smudge in the corner. I need to let things go.

Today I feel proud! Because I just survived a week full of challenges!! I worked on lots of projects, including physically-demanding shoots! Before all of it, I was overwhelmed just thinking about it, but I'm happy with myself that I chose to go through with it all because I saw them as good opportunities that I'd grow and learn from. It's fortunate that I was able to hang on to that optimism! Afterwards, I honestly felt guilty because while I didn't do badly, I'm also not...necessarily skilled? And I'm scared that I may have fallen short of expectations. But I'm realizing today that they were called challenges for a reason—because they were not things that I could do easily or comfortably, and the fact that I even fucking did them is amazing. It was worth how exhausted and sore I am; I gained a lot of experience from this past week! I'm amazing.

You are amazing. You are doing well. Thanks for sticking around. Thank you for surviving your struggles.Thank you for being you and for being under this sky right now with me. ♥

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Hi hii..! I'm on a flight to DC for a business trip right now so I'm typing in Notes on my phone LOL. This trip is another of those science competitions with genius kids, where we film their activities for a week as well as an interview with each of them, and I edit a highlights video shown at the end. ^^ I'd say that these kinds of projects are some of my favorite and most fulfilling ones. Although it always means that I suffer sleepless nights editing away in my hotel room, it's always more than worth it when we see how the kids (and their proud parents) react upon watching it and realizing how incredible they are. Even better when there are comments on the videos by younger kids saying that they're inspired to enter these competitions themselves!! Q___Q And from a personal achievement standpoint, many times I'll rewatch some of these videos and still tear up.... I like to think that I pour as much heart into them as I can, and if I make myself tear up then I've succeeded LOL!

Recently, I had a pretty gross slump during which I lost confidence in....pretty much everything. It was really ugly. But I've been steadily climbing out of that hole for a week, so I think I'm okay now. I honestly felt so down about my singing and mixing ability, but I think I've overcome some of my doubts about mixing even though the reality is that I really do take a long ass time to work... @A@ Eventually I had somewhat of a breakthrough on mixing the k-pop collab I organized, which I'll be finishing up when I'm done traveling and uploading within November if everything goes right!

I've been pondering over blogging about this because I'm not quite certain about what's taboo to discuss as a professional, but it's probably fine haha... Even my company posted to our fb publicizing my promotion! ^^